ackee walk
Well-Known Member
ah. thanks for clarifying. i was misunderstanding you.
Spinny: Why is IR dating so common on LHCF??
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Theo
New Member
Interesting choice of words with the bolded.
Care to expound? I also think its a matter of class... but kind of in a different way. It may be counter-intuitive and its completely anecdotal theory, but I feel upperclass (or at least college-educated and above) white men are more open to marrying outside their race than lower class white men.
Granted, I don't have much exposure to lower class white men ANYMORE, but white dudes from where I grew up weren't really checking for black chicks, but the ones I interact with now just seem to be more open.
mischka
shrinkage.
Interesting choice of words with the bolded.
I also think its a matter of class... but kind of in a different way. It may be counter-intuitive and its completely anecdotal theory, but I feel upperclass (or at least college-educated and above) white men are more open to marrying outside their race than lower class white men.
Granted, I don't have much exposure to lower class white men ANYMORE, but white dudes from where I grew up weren't really checking for black chicks, but the ones I interact with now just seem to be more open.
I think that's the case across the board - more educated people in general are less ignorant = less likely to subscribe to ignorant beliefs.
Congrats on Harvard by the way! I'm so jealous! I'm only ever going back to school again if it's Harvard!
explosiva9
Active Member
I've always dated white guys so..... I always went against the grain though but I don't see the big deal. A man is a man is a man and as long as I found him cute and smart, I'm down. I don't date dumb or ignorant.
DDTexlaxed
TRANSITION OVER! 11-22-14
In my case, it was simple. I fell in love with the man who is now my husband. He just happens to be white. I don't get the drama or hype. Why should you have to be alone if you are approached by a man of a different race? Brothers never approached me, but other races did.
Had I held out for a brother, I would be single still.
BTW, I do not bash black men.
Had I held out for a brother, I would be single still. BTW, I do not bash black men.
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carcajada
Well-Known Member
So do the white men you date(d) know they are your second choice?
TrueToHair
Well-Known Member
............................
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I'm not dictating anything (please indicate where I have). I've read about some of your experiences (i.e. Mischka about town) but that's about it.
I actually was drawing more on my own experiences. I've posted time and time again about how the biggest thing that affected who I found myself dating was my own behavior. That and the fact that I also realize that there are a number of factors that lead to who we date that are completely out of our control.
In other areas of our lives we change ourselves to fit the circumstances. We change for educational and professional pursuits. But the notion of changing for romantic pursuits is seen as either a last resort or desperate and that's never made sense to me.
To speak from personal experiences - I came out of a relationship with a dude who was fun and exciting but lacked intelligence and ambition. When we stopped dating I found myself super frustrated with the fact that I kept meeting people like him (Dear God: Really? This is it for me?!?).Interesting choice of words with the bolded.
I also think its a matter of class... but kind of in a different way. It may be counter-intuitive and its completely anecdotal theory, but I feel upperclass (or at least college-educated and above) white men are more open to marrying outside their race than lower class white men.
Granted, I don't have much exposure to lower class white men ANYMORE, but white dudes from where I grew up weren't really checking for black chicks, but the ones I interact with now just seem to be more open.
I took some advice of some friends and my dad and changed a lot about my dating behavior, and found that my results changed. It wasn't all good -
I still attract a "type" but I also realized that looking at me and what I was doing was something I needed to do and probably should have done sooner. It could be as simple as recognizing that men have a type just like women do and that unknowingly you may be exuding a "type" that you had no idea the other side was picking up on.
And a lot of what I'm saying refers not to those who find that white men approach and speak more often than BM but those who have sought out IRR in response to a string of bad Black-on-Black encounters.
mischka
shrinkage.
I see. In future might you not draw from your own experience in relation to my posts? It's very hard to disentangle those intentions when you post things like this:
which appears to be a direct insinuation that my behaviors somehow warrant or cause certain experiences. Nothing about this indicates you were thinking of your own experiences and the repeated use of second person pronouns indicates that you were, in fact, speaking to my experiences/posts so you can understand my misinterpretation. I understand we have differing opinions on the issue and when you post things like this it feels like you are asking me to justify my experiences (like, that's how you feel about yours but it isn't how I feel about mine and I don't think I should have to defend that), although I can accept that that may not have been your intention.
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A few things: I don't engage in internet beefs. If I have something to say it, I'll say it. And I don't pretend to know more/less about people on the internet other than what they publicly post. So when you say relationships with black men haven't worked out, I'm interpreting that at its most basic level "we met, we dated, it didn't work out".
And I came straight out and said it already - I take issue with the notion of dating IRR in response to failed relationships with BM. And on LHCF folks would rather talk about whats BM are doing wrong than what the other consistent thread in Black-On-Black relationships could be doing wrong ... US and OUR actions.
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mischka
shrinkage.
Listen. This has nothing to do with internet beef. I'm simply saying how your post came across to me and how, if that's not what you meant, that's why I took it the way I did. Take issue with IRR however you want as long as you don't project that into interpreting MY POSTS into things *I* didn't say. Why does there even have to be such a hostile response here? I enjoy your posts and I think this is derailing this thread, and both those things being true, I'm asking that you not focus your agenda at ME.
I don't give a siht about black on black relationships, so I'm not sure why my posts are some kind of example for the point you are trying to make. I'm not interested in cultivating a black on black relationship, I don't care why my relationships with black men didn't succeed, and I don't plan on trying in the future, so if that's what you want to discuss I have no idea what that has to do with my posts in here.
Anakinsmomma
Well-Known Member
Well, speaking for myself...
My first love at 15 was a BM and he treated me great until he cheated on me in the army. That was heartbreaking. And until college, all my dating was with BM because I thought that was all I was allowed to "bring home". Dated a HM for most of college and then back to BM. That's when the issues started.
Nowadays, meeting a marriage minded male in their mid twenties of any color is hard as hayle. I've always wanted marriage and kids relatively early, because I've always wanted my own family. But these guys would either string me along and then tell me some bull about they dont want kids til they're forty (and they're younger than me!) or the ever popular "I wanna be established first" when they are still working as a receptionist with a GED and no plans to go back to school. Whether this was because they were black, or because they were jerks is up for interpretation. But my point is, I wasnt waiting for ANY man of ANY color that damn long. I see this across the board, men thinking it's a requirement to spend their twenties, and ideally their thirties too, acting like a damn adolescent, hopping from relationship to relationship and not settling down until they're too old to be attractive to the PYTs. All wanting to be the old dude in the leisure suit at the club.
When I finally admitted to myself that, yes I do have a preference for Asian men and no, I no longer give a fluck what anyone else thinks my world changed. I also decided I would stick to my requirements for a relationship and with that attitude I met my fiancé. He rose to my requirements and he treats me like a princess. He's the first man I feel truly understands me and loves me for me. He loved me fat or thin, happy or bishy, straight or kinky. I've never had that before. He's the first man I've met that has as deep a commitment to family as I do.
Ok, enough of the love letter
My point is it was a combination of changing my attitude (ie settling because I was afraid of being alone) and opening my options up.
Sent from my iPhone using LHCF
My first love at 15 was a BM and he treated me great until he cheated on me in the army. That was heartbreaking. And until college, all my dating was with BM because I thought that was all I was allowed to "bring home". Dated a HM for most of college and then back to BM. That's when the issues started.
Nowadays, meeting a marriage minded male in their mid twenties of any color is hard as hayle. I've always wanted marriage and kids relatively early, because I've always wanted my own family. But these guys would either string me along and then tell me some bull about they dont want kids til they're forty (and they're younger than me!) or the ever popular "I wanna be established first" when they are still working as a receptionist with a GED and no plans to go back to school. Whether this was because they were black, or because they were jerks is up for interpretation. But my point is, I wasnt waiting for ANY man of ANY color that damn long. I see this across the board, men thinking it's a requirement to spend their twenties, and ideally their thirties too, acting like a damn adolescent, hopping from relationship to relationship and not settling down until they're too old to be attractive to the PYTs. All wanting to be the old dude in the leisure suit at the club
.When I finally admitted to myself that, yes I do have a preference for Asian men and no, I no longer give a fluck what anyone else thinks my world changed. I also decided I would stick to my requirements for a relationship and with that attitude I met my fiancé. He rose to my requirements and he treats me like a princess. He's the first man I feel truly understands me and loves me for me. He loved me fat or thin, happy or bishy, straight or kinky. I've never had that before. He's the first man I've met that has as deep a commitment to family as I do.
Ok, enough of the love letter
My point is it was a combination of changing my attitude (ie settling because I was afraid of being alone) and opening my options up.Sent from my iPhone using LHCF
ScorpioBeauty09
Well-Known Member
When I finally admitted to myself that, yes I do have a preference for Asian men and no, I no longer give a fluck what anyone else thinks my world changed. I also decided I would stick to my requirements for a relationship and with that attitude I met my fiancé. He rose to my requirements and he treats me like a princess. He's the first man I feel truly understands me and loves me for me. He loved me fat or thin, happy or bishy, straight or kinky. I've never had that before. He's the first man I've met that has as deep a commitment to family as I do.
Ok, enough of the love letter
Because thanks was not enough.
This part of your post was soooo inspirational to me.
I think you may have misread my post - not its content but the (lack of) emotion behind it. My first paragraph was simply me trying to explain how I operate on LHCF to let you know that I was not trying to dig and start some message board back and forth.
Yours was the first post that I read that said something about having had negative experiences with BM and therefore choosing to focus on others (a sentiment you've just reiterated). Which to get back to the OPs question, is a sentiment oft expressed on this board.
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Cherokee-n-Black
Well-Known Member
Lol, I was talking more about having ghetto mannerisms, fashion, and hair styles ... you know the lower echelon look.I don't think appearing this way is going to appeal to most nbm. From the posts here, it doesn't seem like many are wearing apple bottom jeans, yelling in public, etc etc.
I actually think there is a lot of IRD going on in the mythical "lower echelon category" as well. Sometimes, they come from similar socioeconomic groups, but I've definitely seen it. I've also literally been bowled over by some IR couples where hubby looks so white bread and wifey is what would be considered "lower echelon" here. And I've definitely seen the kids as a result! I guess you could say it takes all kinds. Didn't ya'll see Napoleon Dynamite? Who can forget LaFawnda???
DirtyJerzeyGirly
Well-Known Member
I actually think there is a lot of IRD going on in the mythical "lower echelon category" as well. Sometimes, they come from similar socioeconomic groups, but I've definitely seen it. I've also literally been bowled over by some IR couples where hubby looks so white bread and wifey is what would be considered "lower echelon" here. And I've definitely seen the kids as a result! I guess you could say it takes all kinds. Didn't ya'll see Napoleon Dynamite? Who can forget LaFawnda???[/QUOTE]
This is like one of my favorite movies. Did you see the extra footage on the dvd?
Well they both get married and LaFawnda's brother is
I was honestly surprised by how many women on here are in IR. From the way how some posters on here speak about white folks that would be the last thing I would think.
Lol, I've never seen a preppy professional American wm type with a loud neck rolling Bonque'sha-a type.
VelvetRain
Well-Known Member
Wow lots of sterotypes running up and through this thread. My thing is just do you regardless. If you want to date outside your race get your date on and don't let nobody stop ya. I'm feeling lots of resentement directed at black men. Which in itself is kinda sad but a true depiction how many black women do feel in society. My preference is and always will be to be with a black man.
10WordzOrLess
New Member
For Me Honestly: Environment, personal preference, open-mindedness, "daddy issues".
fluffyforever
Well-Known Member
This is something I am curious about.
Why is IR dating so common on LHCF??
You read in articles that black women are the least likely to partake in it...but on here it seems fairly common...
Honest opinions, please
In my experience, a WM was the first to ask me out on a date. I didn't want to turn him down just because he was white. I said I would go out with him, and 10 years later we are still together. I will say that I come from a segregated city, but with highly integrated schools, so I was around males of all colors. I never had a preference; I literally crushed on all types.
I think most people in an IR have a broader circle than just BM. If you go to school, to work, and live next to NBM, there is a higher chance of you dating one. I don't think it (finding love) has a lot to do with education levels, but I do see fewer BM in college,and especially graduate school, when more BW are earning those degrees. But no one is restricted to dating only classmates.
People talk a lot about BM not being marriage minded or having kids until later in life, but I don't think they are any different than NBM. Most men I know in general don't think that way until they find the "one". I know this one "playa" from high school I used to crush on (NBM) who was dating/ hooking up a new girl every month. I remember him saying he didn't want to settle down or ever have kids. Fas forward to freshman year in college: he was married by the end of the school year. We've graduated and I still joke about him marrying so fast and how he flipped. (And no, he didn't marry because of a baby, but he now wants a couple before he turns 30.) Most men I know are like this. Some will never mature, but it isn't just BM who like to stay young forever. I don't ever think I have met one NBM who is young and voiced that they are looking for a wife from everyone they date. And my white male circle is the largest circle I have.
On this forum, I don't think there are more BW that date IR than IRL. They probably just stand out more than BW/BM relationship threads. IRL, I see a lot of IR BW relationships everywhere I go. But I know its still not the majority. Those couples just stand out more to me for whatever reason.
weaveadiva
Well-Known Member
^^^
you're still with the first guy who ever asked you out?
awww...that's sweet
and quite rare
you're still with the first guy who ever asked you out?
awww...that's sweet
and quite rare
princessnad
New Member
I think it is mostly about the lack of preconceived notions holding us back. I think the women in here are more open, in general. Many of the mental barriers that restrain some bw who would like to get into interracial relationships (negative internalized stereotypes) are not generally embraced by the women here.
If you can decide that despite the stereotypes, our hair can and will grow, then you are more likely to decide that despite the stereotypes, a white man will not only want you for sex/ not want you/ not want to marry you etc.
If you can decide that despite the stereotypes, our hair can and will grow, then you are more likely to decide that despite the stereotypes, a white man will not only want you for sex/ not want you/ not want to marry you etc.
princessnad
New Member
Another question that I would like answered: Do you think that white men who are educated are more likely or less likely to get into an IR with a BW than an uneducated WM??
princessnad
New Member
I see you answered my question. I agree with you to an extent. The "educated, liberal" population may be more likely to date interracially than the poor conservative. But there are a lot of upper class conservatives who won't be crass about it, but certainly won't be crossing the color line either.Interesting choice of words with the bolded.
I also think its a matter of class... but kind of in a different way. It may be counter-intuitive and its completely anecdotal theory, but I feel upperclass (or at least college-educated and above) white men are more open to marrying outside their race than lower class white men.
Granted, I don't have much exposure to lower class white men ANYMORE, but white dudes from where I grew up weren't really checking for black chicks, but the ones I interact with now just seem to be more open.
YasashiiSekai
New Member
I don't see what the big deal about interracial dating is....well...at least in this century.
I hate it when people say some Black women on here are more "open minded" when it comes to dating.
I guess close minded means being racist cuz low key, that's what I think it is.
If two guys who are attractive, and have the same status in life, the same morals and values, but are different racially, come up to you and ask you on a date are you gonna reject one because he isn't the same skin color as you?
I think people who are so called "open minded" are just sensible.
If you ask me, it's pretty dumb to igg someone over something they can't help.
I hate it when people say some Black women on here are more "open minded" when it comes to dating.
I guess close minded means being racist cuz low key, that's what I think it is.
If two guys who are attractive, and have the same status in life, the same morals and values, but are different racially, come up to you and ask you on a date are you gonna reject one because he isn't the same skin color as you?
I think people who are so called "open minded" are just sensible.
If you ask me, it's pretty dumb to igg someone over something they can't help.
Oasis
grabbing life by the pussy
Maybe a little more likely, but not by much. Especially when it comes to actually marrying. I think they parallel what was found for Americans as a whole here:
http://pewresearch.org/pubs/1616/american-marriage-interracial-interethnic
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