Spinny: Married and divorced in 1 yr

[Summer_Rain]

A guy friend of mine is divorcing after just 1 year of marriage, of which they've spent the last 6 months or so on the outs. I'm trying to wrap my mind around how or why you just "give up" on a marriage after barely 6 months.

According to him, she completely changed after their wedding. He claims that she's messy/sloppy, wasn't willing to to do thing sexually to keep his satisfied, etc. In his words " got tired of talking about the same thing over and over again and seeing no changes"

He claims that she didn't show these things prior to getting married, the dated and lived together for about 2 yrs first. I'm sure she has her own complaints, but I only know him so...taking that into consideration, is something like that worth filing for divorce after one year?

 

[Keen]

They lived together for two years and she changed that much? I'm thinking there's more to the story...

 

[Priss Pot]

I don't know why people (especially men) think that marriage changes a woman. I feel like if you were doing the stuff before, then why not continue to do it after? Why would she just all of a sudden stop doing stuff sexually just cause their married? I don't get it. There probably is more to the story cause suddenly stopping all of what she did before for no reason doesn't sound right.

But IF that is the case (what he stated), then 6 months is not time enough to just give up on something like that. They should try again and step up each other's game if that's the problem.

Being married is not an excuse to drop the ball.

 

[RockCreak]

I'm curious to know why he wants to call it "quit' already. Every relationship has it's issue but you have to find a way to resolve the problem. Is he just telling her what his problem is with her or is he trying to find out what the deal is as far as there being a "bigger" underlying issue. Communication is so key.. and sometimes how we think our way of communicating is may not be the way someone else communicate.

And I agree with Keen.... there's a lot more to the story than what your friend is spilling... folks just don't change like that.....

Ask your friend what's really good!

 

[QT]

I view some marriages like a paper trail. That is the only thing that their bound to. There is no love no compromise no commitment no longevity no communication. Just sad.

 

[dlewis]

A couple who dated for 22 years were married in May (the pictures I posted of the wedding I went to with DH) and they are divorcing. BLEW MY MIND!!

 

[mw138]

A couple who dated for 22 years were married in May (the pictures I posted of the wedding I went to with DH) and they are divorcing. BLEW MY MIND!!

Oh my gosh! What happened?

 

[Kerryann]

Some people do change when they figure that hey i have this person now so i dont have to do nothing anymore.

Summerrain something is missing with this story but you should suggest counseling because this is entirely too early for divorce

 

[naturalmanenyc]

Isn't it just awful!!!

We went to a wedding last year and found out early this year that they are divorcing. They dated and lived together for about 4 years before marriage. They got pregnant right away and have a newborn.

She said that the guy totally changed after the wedding and he got a new GF right away which makes me think he was cheating for a while.

A couple who dated for 22 years were married in May (the pictures I posted of the wedding I went to with DH) and they are divorcing. BLEW MY MIND!!

 

[scoobygirl]

I dated a guy who was married in April and had filed by December. He and his ex-wife had met as undergrads and dated for 8 years. While in grad school they lived in separate states. Apparently he was taking too long to graduate, she got lonely and fell in love with his best friend. She claimed to have loved this other dude all along but didn't realize it until they spent some time alone. The fall out was quite messy. He was a good guy, seemed like he would be good husband material, but I didn't know him that well maybe there was stuff going on in their marriage that wasn't obvious to others.

 

[dlewis]

Oh my gosh! What happened?

I really can't say and yall know I tell everything but I can't say about this.

 

[Mortons]

Thats crazy dlewis, they were dating as long as I've been alive. They have been together since '87, do they really know how to be without each other at this point?

 

[awhyley]

A couple who dated for 22 years were married in May (the pictures I posted of the wedding I went to with DH) and they are divorcing. BLEW MY MIND!!

What in the ? erplexed It seems like people sign these wedding papers and then loose their d@mn minds!

Some people do change when they figure that hey i have this person now so i dont have to do nothing anymore.

This is probably the jist of it right there. Operation "bag and tag" is complete, so then everything falls apart. Sad really. People just don't realize that there is work after marriage as well.

 

[dlewis]

We will see. He's moved out of the state.

 

[JayAnn0513]

Op: there is more to the story....but since you only know him you will never know.

For marriages like that I really think that it is best if they just move on now before anymore damage is done. If your marriage is in trouble in the first 12-24 months I'd be willing to say they had no business getting married in the first place.
**ETA** Marriage is wrong person is will make a person miserable. Ladies, please do not say yes just because he ask you to marry him. If you don't want to be married to him, they way he is today. The chances of him changing for the better are slim to none.


My BFF is a prime example of this. She got married June 07 to a selfish loser, seperated in Feb 09, and the divorce should be final by Feb 10. At their dinner for their first anniversary he told her he was unhappy, she was not satisfying him sexually, and he couldnt take it anymore. Before that she thought she was the perfect wife. She ran home from work to have dinner done by the time he got home, did all the cleaning, took care of all the bills (paid most of them as she made more money), etc. All he wanted sex on demand 24/7 in any manner he wanted no matter how she felt about it. Now she knows she's married a sex addict, but she didnt seem to notice this for the 12+ months they were living together.

I know another couple married Feb 09 and he was keeping not 1, but 2 mistresses before they had been married 90 days.

 

[Summer_Rain]

I suggested counseling to them - but he feels that they are beyond the point of reconciliation. He's like "She'll say anything to get back together, but she won't follow through with her promises".

He had made little small comments about how unsatisfied he was for a long while now, but I never felt comfy having that type of discussion with him because he was married.

He told me that he was so unsatisfied that he just stopped having sex with her altogether.

She seems so nice too. I think he felt pressured into getting married though. What a waste.

 

[Zaynab]

A couple who dated for 22 years were married in May (the pictures I posted of the wedding I went to with DH) and they are divorcing. BLEW MY MIND!!

I've noticed that the people that date for long periods of time like that, several years or more--when they finally do marry, the divorce quickly, within a few years. To me, it speaks to whatever problems kept them from marrying for 22 years-is ultimately what led to their divorce.

 

[Zaynab]

I suggested counseling to them - but he feels that they are beyond the point of reconciliation. He's like "She'll say anything to get back together, but she won't follow through with her promises".

He had made little small comments about how unsatisfied he was for a long while now, but I never felt comfy having that type of discussion with him because he was married.

He told me that he was so unsatisfied that he just stopped having sex with her altogether.

She seems so nice too. I think he felt pressured into getting married though. What a waste.

Was he ever really emotionally invested in the relationship? I mean to just walk away like that, I have to wonder if he's a tad emotionally unavailable.

Re: sex. well I feel like men don't accept sexual shortcomings like women do. I just wonder if she wasn't fullfilling his needs after marriage, had she been before- at all?

 

[GreenD]

I hope they're still not paying off the wedding.....

 

[*5+5]

My male bff is thinking about divorcing his wife and they just married in July.

Their issue is that he doesn't feel desired by her b/c she never initiates sex, she turns him down often and he mentioned it's messing with his head b/c it's like his wife isn't attracted to him.

He said they had the same issue before marriage but they talked about it and things would get better for a month and then she'll fall back to her old ways. I told him it wouldn't be fair for him to divorce her for something that she wasn’t doing prior to marriage. And he said he thought it would get better and that it wouldn't be fair for him to spend the rest of his marriage cheating on her b/c he had to go out of his house to feel wanted.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

hold up lemme git dis hea straight....

*lights up a newport one hunnit for dis one*

they were livin t'getha for 2 years. so they up jumped da boogie n got married. now, she sloppy, she ain't polishin his knob as often as he would like...(well, das what i got from it, i mean hell...), and he tired of repeatin himself to her. so now, he wanna run outta da marriage. da hell does he want? a maid?

to me, he fulla shyt. cuz see, there are three sides to a story. yours, his n da truth. imma need him to grab his nuts n man up, cuz if he gotta problem with his wife, then he needs to find anotha approach with his wife and keep da bidness in da house. why won't he take time out to talk to her n find out what the problem is. it could be HIM. Instead of demandin and talkin to her like a child or like she is the hired help, maybe he would get what he wants. see, he knew she was like dat when they were living t'getha. das when u really get to know a person. how u go from neat freak to sloppy hot mess. sumfin ain't addin up. i bet if u talk to her, you'll get a whole notha side.

i think he got da definition of husband twisted. dat don't mean dat da wife cleans da house n suck on ur dyck all dayum day. ain't nobody got time for all dat. She prolly workin, tryna hold it down and just doesn't have the time. And he sittin up der throwin a fit, and on top of dat, takin da bidness to da streets, bringin others up in their household. i'm not sayin this with regards to the OP, but if he told u, he's tellin others, and they prolly lookin at her like what da hell, when the problem is really him.

now he wanna bytch outta da marriage cuz he can't git his house cleaned n his dyck sucked...gtf outta hea.

 

[Priss Pot]

Some people do change when they figure that hey i have this person now so i dont have to do nothing anymore.

Summerrain something is missing with this story but you should suggest counseling because this is entirely too early for divorce

OT: This right here is the worst advice that my mother had ever given me in regards to marriage. She would tell me that I need to lose weight to get a man. And that since she gained weight (a whole lot), she doesn't have to do anything cause she already got her husband.

I'm glad I realize that letting yourself go after marriage is NOT the way.

 

[dlewis]

OT: This right here is the worst advice that my mother had ever given me in regards to marriage. She would tell me that I need to lose weight to get a man. And that since she gained weight (a whole lot), she doesn't have to do anything cause she already got her husband.

I'm glad I realize that letting yourself go after marriage is NOT the way.

My friend girl says the same thing. And her husband is telling her "I don't find you sexy, please lose a little weight". And she refuses. Now she only been married a couple of months. I'm thinking it's to soon for all this.

I'm not sure what I would do if Dh told me I had to lose weight, he didn't find me sexy anymore.
I'm thinking I would try to lose some weight.

 

[Bunny77]

I've noticed that the people that date for long periods of time like that, several years or more--when they finally do marry, the divorce quickly, within a few years. To me, it speaks to whatever problems kept them from marrying for 22 years-is ultimately what led to their divorce.

I was just gonna mention something like this... so far, the situations mentioned in this thread all involve the couples either being together for a while first, or living together.

I wonder too if they never really worked on those problems before marriage because they "knew" they could always have a foot out the door and leave whenever they wanted (although they didn't). Then when it became for real, for real, they didn't know how to handle it.

 

[Summer_Rain]

Was he ever really emotionally invested in the relationship? I mean to just walk away like that, I have to wonder if he's a tad emotionally unavailable.

Re: sex. well I feel like men don't accept sexual shortcomings like women do. I just wonder if she wasn't fullfilling his needs after marriage, had she been before- at all?

I still haven't asked him any deep deep details but he basically said that he felt like their sexual relationship was suppose to mature after marriage...so if she wasn't giving him head before, she'd definitely give it to him after (just an example)...but instead, it regressed.

They lived together, but between the pressure from her mother (to do right in the "eyes of the lord" and not live together without being married) he claims that he was guilted into it.

I agree that men are a lot less forgiving about when it comes to sexual shortcomings. It seems like for him, that was the straw on the camels back, if she wanted to be lazy and leave her clothes laying around, fine - just bring it in the bedroom. At least that's the impression he left me with.

Anways - as he was talking about it, I thought back to that thread for advice on surviving the first year of marriage, there really needs to be a Mocha Manual on this if there isn't one already

 

[dlewis]

Good sex for a man will make alot of things better.

 

[Rastafarai]

A couple who dated for 22 years were married in May (the pictures I posted of the wedding I went to with DH) and they are divorcing. BLEW MY MIND!!

Interesting. But can we use quantity as a determinant for longevity?

I'm thinking the quality of their relationship was lacking, somehow.

 

[Summer_Rain]

hold up lemme git dis hea straight....

*lights up a newport one hunnit for dis one*

they were livin t'getha for 2 years. so they up jumped da boogie n got married. now, she sloppy, she ain't polishin his knob as often as he would like...(well, das what i got from it, i mean hell...), and he tired of repeatin himself to her. so now, he wanna run outta da marriage. da hell does he want? a maid?

to me, he fulla shyt. cuz see, there are three sides to a story. yours, his n da truth. imma need him to grab his nuts n man up, cuz if he gotta problem with his wife, then he needs to find anotha approach with his wife and keep da bidness in da house. why won't he take time out to talk to her n find out what the problem is. it could be HIM. Instead of demandin and talkin to her like a child or like she is the hired help, maybe he would get what he wants. see, he knew she was like dat when they were living t'getha. das when u really get to know a person. how u go from neat freak to sloppy hot mess. sumfin ain't addin up. i bet if u talk to her, you'll get a whole notha side.

i think he got da definition of husband twisted. dat don't mean dat da wife cleans da house n suck on ur dyck all dayum day. ain't nobody got time for all dat. She prolly workin, tryna hold it down and just doesn't have the time. And he sittin up der throwin a fit, and on top of dat, takin da bidness to da streets, bringin others up in their household. i'm not sayin this with regards to the OP, but if he told u, he's tellin others, and they prolly lookin at her like what da hell, when the problem is really him.

now he wanna bytch outta da marriage cuz he can't git his house cleaned n his dyck sucked...gtf outta hea.

Aight ...after plugging all that into my handy dandy Madea translation machine, I agree with you 100% and pretty much told him the same thing.

IMO, it's really a punk move to just throw in the towel after 1 yr. There was just that one thing that stuck with me, and it was question on how long should he continue to talk, bed and plead without seeing any results?

My question for the married ladies - I know there is no set etched in stone timeline to this, but what do you do when you've been talking to your husband for days/weeks/months on end about things that ultimately are pivotal to your happiness and the success of the marriage, yet he shows no signs of improvement?

 

[biancaelyse]

Let's speak in hypotheticals.....


Let's say hypothetically that there is a guy from my corp office that used to come to my site monthly for meetings. He got married earlier this year and is having an affair with our receptionist - hypothetically. Whenever he travels to my location, he always comes to town a few days early and the receptionist calls in sick .

He had a dirty message on his company blackberry from the receptionist and his wife found it. She started e-mailing and calling the receptionist at work. The idiot receptionist calls in an IT ticket to have the wife's e-mail blocked and the cat is let out of the bag and dude gets fired.

His wife left him too and they are getting divorced hypothetically.

 

[TCatt86]

My friend girl says the same thing. And her husband is telling her "I don't find you sexy, please lose a little weight". And she refuses. Now she only been married a couple of months. I'm thinking it's to soon for all this.

I'm not sure what I would do if Dh told me I had to lose weight, he didn't find me sexy anymore.
I'm thinking I would try to lose some weight.

So she was already big when they got married? if you married me at 185 then don't all of a sudden feel like that's too fat for you and I'm not sexy to you anymore. I really plan on staying as close to my marriage weight as possible, with some consideration for pregnancy. Now if she gained weight that fast she should be ashamed of herself.