So mad and hurt right now...

FocusLady said:
UPDATE:

Thanks ladies for the hugs and advice. Turns out after watching the DVD with his mother, 7 sisters, and other family. The girl is related to him. He did it to get her here. I can't give details to what they are "trying" to do because I don't understand it. Plus with me studying and working in the legal field I don't want to know. I'm still confused. In the DVD he did look like he wasn't there and he wasn't happy at all. He didn't even touch the girl when they danced. His close family and friends weren't there. I spoke with the girl and she said that they were trying to get her to the states so she could go to school. I have heard of this and I'm sure you all have also. But I don't understand why he wouldn't tell me this. CRAZY.

Let me also clear the money issue. When we met he was having a hard time with money because he was supporting his family. Being the only male child; he's responsible for his parents and sisters. I helped him a lot but now that he's back on his feet he is helping me. We live together and he is supporting me through grad school. I don't pay any bills at all. All my money goes to me and books for school. He really isn't a bad guy at all. I was very hurt when I found the DVD. I'm still very confused by it and don't know whether to believe him and his family or not.

I have trust issues. Once you lie to me, you get the side eye forever...lol. I'm still working this out. Thanks again ladies. You are all so sweet and funny as well. I have no sisters so you ladies have given me good "sisterly" advice. (And enough crazy stories...LOL)
Click to expand...

Honey...please....open your eyes. Please. This one is so obvious that its ridiculous. :nono:
 
FocusLady said:
UPDATE:

Thanks ladies for the hugs and advice. Turns out after watching the DVD with his mother, 7 sisters, and other family. The girl is related to him. He did it to get her here. I can't give details to what they are "trying" to do because I don't understand it. Plus with me studying and working in the legal field I don't want to know. I'm still confused. In the DVD he did look like he wasn't there and he wasn't happy at all. He didn't even touch the girl when they danced. His close family and friends weren't there. I spoke with the girl and she said that they were trying to get her to the states so she could go to school. I have heard of this and I'm sure you all have also. But I don't understand why he wouldn't tell me this. CRAZY.

Let me also clear the money issue. When we met he was having a hard time with money because he was supporting his family. Being the only male child; he's responsible for his parents and sisters. I helped him a lot but now that he's back on his feet he is helping me. We live together and he is supporting me through grad school. I don't pay any bills at all. All my money goes to me and books for school. He really isn't a bad guy at all. I was very hurt when I found the DVD. I'm still very confused by it and don't know whether to believe him and his family or not.

I have trust issues. Once you lie to me, you get the side eye forever...lol. I'm still working this out. Thanks again ladies. You are all so sweet and funny as well. I have no sisters so you ladies have given me good "sisterly" advice. (And enough crazy stories...LOL)
Click to expand...

domis4.gif
 
FocusLady said:
UPDATE:

Thanks ladies for the hugs and advice. Turns out after watching the DVD with his mother, 7 sisters, and other family. The girl is related to him. He did it to get her here. I can't give details to what they are "trying" to do because I don't understand it. Plus with me studying and working in the legal field I don't want to know. I'm still confused. In the DVD he did look like he wasn't there and he wasn't happy at all. He didn't even touch the girl when they danced. His close family and friends weren't there. I spoke with the girl and she said that they were trying to get her to the states so she could go to school. I have heard of this and I'm sure you all have also. But I don't understand why he wouldn't tell me this. CRAZY.

Let me also clear the money issue. When we met he was having a hard time with money because he was supporting his family. Being the only male child; he's responsible for his parents and sisters. I helped him a lot but now that he's back on his feet he is helping me. We live together and he is supporting me through grad school. I don't pay any bills at all. All my money goes to me and books for school. He really isn't a bad guy at all. I was very hurt when I found the DVD. I'm still very confused by it and don't know whether to believe him and his family or not.

I have trust issues. Once you lie to me, you get the side eye forever...lol. I'm still working this out. Thanks again ladies. You are all so sweet and funny as well. I have no sisters so you ladies have given me good "sisterly" advice. (And enough crazy stories...LOL)
Click to expand...


Sorry but he is lying to you. I have many, many Nigerian friends and I've heard of this 'method' before. I hope you find the strength to leave him and see through his lies.
 
Ivonnovi said:
I'M USING MY 2,000TH POST FOR THIS!!!!!!


"Young Lady, if you were my daughter I'd STRONGLY advise you to develop a plan for INDEPENDANCE!!!!!" Though there may be many pleasant benefits to remaining with this man, there are some long-standing, and moral issues that if you commit to you will be dealing with the reprecussions of them for a very l-o-n-g time.

The US has immigration rules for good reasons, it's not your job our your place to help them circumvent these rules. YOU need a man THAT PUTS U 1ST, not second after the cousin he's married to and his extended family!!!!
PLUS, you'd be an accomplice to a crime if you continue to support this "mess".
Click to expand...


Girl that is THE post of the thread...definitely worth the 2 millenium mark!

Trust you do not want to be messing around with U.S. Immigration on this...I know folks who have played similar games and one got the heave ho back to Nigeria and the U.S. citizen was threatened with charges of breaking federal immigration laws and had legal fees to pay up the ying yang.

Besides, as others have said...something here is not adding up....

Tread carefully OP
 
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OP, I don't buy this explanation. Why would he secretly book a ticket to the other side of the world to marry a family member whom he barely knows?

I just don't buy it. He has informed you of other shady immigration dealings so why not let you in on this, especially if you're his girl - and especially since this is MARRIAGE. Cousins marry cousins in a lot of cultures - so if I were you I wouldn't believe the lie.

Girl, that dude and his whole family is playing you. My question for you is, what are you going to do if and when his WIFE moves in?
 
ThatJerseyGirl said:
hold up..wait a min...

*lights up my newport one hunnit for dis bu'shyt*

da hell kinda phuckery is dis hea....

u were datin an african and while u were packin or whateva u was doin wif his stuff, u found a DVD n played it...found out he was married.

u was financin him da whole time givin him money n shyt he was runnin all cross creation back n forth to africa, so now ur upset cuz he married. so basically, u was da America Jump-off.

don't be upset cuz u found out he got married. chile puleez..das da least or ur worris right na...why ya bu'shyttin...

u need to go n carry ya azzz down to da clinic n git tested n make sure he ain't bring u back dat "monsta" n shyt fa real fa real...and da money part? now u know das a no no. u ain't pose to be givin no man no money...git da phuck outta hea wif dat bu'shyt.

dayum...das phucked up ....dis hea whole shytuation is phucked up. i hope u ain't finance dat weddin.

so sorry u had to find out dat way....dayum. but on da real, go n getcha self tested chile....
Click to expand...
Why do never cease to make me laugh?!!!
:lachen:
 
FocusLady said:
Yeah I'm so done with him. I can't believe him. I called him at work and told him I found the DVD of his wedding and he was at a lost for words. I have helped him so much. When his family turned their back on him; I was there. I'm packing his things now for him to get after work. He owns me a lot of money. So we have some talking to do about my $$$ and some kind of payments. I don't even want to hear about this wedding or marriage.
Click to expand...


Good luck getting your money back...paging Judge Judy or Judge Joe Brown!

Here's a big hug for you. :bighug:

I know you need it. Smile. Remember this...
"What goes around, comes around." The universal law. Dude will get his comeuppance. Trust.
 
gabulldawg said:
:look:
IDK if you should believe this story. :nono: I know you are probably enjoying your arrangement - not having to pay bills/rent and whatnot. But you need to ask yourself if it's worth it. IMO he is lying to you. If that was the case why wasn't it stated sooner?

This makes no sense to me...
Click to expand...

Yup. He should have let you in on the "secret plan" if he wasn't doing anything wrong. I don't believe the facts from the update OP. Not for one minute.
 
I'm going to be unpopular and in doing so, be speaking from experience, not only mine, but that of many who have gone through it, whether American or from the home country. We talk ad nauseum about the lack of morals in AA men yet we're told we shouldn't group them all together. We know that many women "back home" suffer in silence from the fools they married but there are few socially and religiously accepted choices leading to our personal happiness. And we know that many women back home will "lose" their husbands' affections to the akata they meet over here while getting their master's and doctorates. We also know that the majority of HIV infections among married women have to do with our "back home" husbands in Africa. Let's get real, there is collective behavior for others to be wary of. Black men have some serious growing up to do, in Nigeria, in the U.S., in France and beyond.
 
Hmmm....

He may be trying to give you the okey-doke.

Is there anyway you can move? I'm just afraid he's going to bring his wife over and try to kick you out of the house. Who's name is on the lease? It might not be a bad idea to start looking for apartments. This story sounds very shady. I'm not Nigerian, but where I'm from, marrying a cousin is an abomination. And I know all kinds of illegals. No one I know has ever tried to marry a cousin in order to bring them over. Fortunately, all of my relatives were able to come here very legally.

If you're set on staying with him, use this period to save lots of money, and don't get pregnant by him. I wouldn't want to be yoked to that family for 18+ yrs.

ETA: OP are you sure that that was the wife/cousin you spoke to? Were you on skype?
 
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Let me restate the facts
1. the people that are telling you that the woman is his cousin are his family members!
2. he deceived you and married someone behind your back.

We’ve all heard the saying that “love is blind” but huney, that was back in the day. We are in 2010, love got lasik surgery and got smart. You are being played. Point blank and period.
 
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FocusLady said:
UPDATE:

Thanks ladies for the hugs and advice. Turns out after watching the DVD with his mother, 7 sisters, and other family. The girl is related to him. He did it to get her here. I can't give details to what they are "trying" to do because I don't understand it. Plus with me studying and working in the legal field I don't want to know. I'm still confused. In the DVD he did look like he wasn't there and he wasn't happy at all. He didn't even touch the girl when they danced. His close family and friends weren't there. I spoke with the girl and she said that they were trying to get her to the states so she could go to school. I have heard of this and I'm sure you all have also. But I don't understand why he wouldn't tell me this. CRAZY.

Let me also clear the money issue. When we met he was having a hard time with money because he was supporting his family. Being the only male child; he's responsible for his parents and sisters. I helped him a lot but now that he's back on his feet he is helping me. We live together and he is supporting me through grad school. I don't pay any bills at all. All my money goes to me and books for school. He really isn't a bad guy at all. I was very hurt when I found the DVD. I'm still very confused by it and don't know whether to believe him and his family or not.

I have trust issues. Once you lie to me, you get the side eye forever...lol. I'm still working this out. Thanks again ladies. You are all so sweet and funny as well. I have no sisters so you ladies have given me good "sisterly" advice. (And enough crazy stories...LOL)
Click to expand...


No hunny, that is his wife. Probably a gf he had before he met you. As an immigrant I know this game too. Best believe once his "cousin" gets here, you will swiftly be kicked to the curb. Dont' fall for this :nono: In any case, you are aware that you are involved with a married man :perplexed....
 
Please tell me you didn't believe him dear:nono::nono::nono:. Even if by some miracle it is true, this is a mess and why do you want to be involved in this mess. Marrying your cousin in Nigeria is an abomination. He is full of crap. That girl is his wife. I completely agree with the advice a lot of ladies have given. My advice is :roadrunner::roadrunner::roadrunner:. Good luck.
 
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Even if this is true, which I believe it is not true, I would NOT be okay with dating a person who can live with me and sleep with me but they neglect to tell me they married their cousin on a vacation. So cousin or not, he is not being open and honest about very vital things such as marital status. Plus he is knowingly breaking the law and you now are a part of it just by the knowledge of it.

Im am sure you have a connection to this man but the foundation is rocky and built on lying (even if by omission) and deception. That is not how you want to start your relationship and you defintely dont want to take that into a marriage. Because you will have to realize that your accepting his lying or deception means that you are okay if it happens again. You are letting him know that you will tolerate lies and deception. That is not something you want to establish as a norm in your relationship.

I do hope you take more time to consider this and the implications and be sure that you are willing to take on all that comes with this relationship if you choose to stay. But you appear to be, by all counts an intelligent and goal-oriented young lady. So all the amenities that he "provides" are things you can provide to yourself. They need not be part of the reason you choose to stay or go. Anyway I hope the best for you since this has to be disconcerting.
 
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Natchitoches said:
I'm going to be unpopular and in doing so, be speaking from experience, not only mine, but that of many who have gone through it, whether American or from the home country. We talk ad nauseum about the lack of morals in AA men yet we're told we shouldn't group them all together. We know that many women "back home" suffer in silence from the fools they married but there are few socially and religiously accepted choices leading to our personal happiness. And we know that many women back home will "lose" their husbands' affections to the akata they meet over here while getting their master's and doctorates. We also know that the majority of HIV infections among married women have to do with our "back home" husbands in Africa. Let's get real, there is collective behavior for others to be wary of. Black men have some serious growing up to do, in Nigeria, in the U.S., in France and beyond.
Click to expand...

Not an unpopular post with me my dear! ITA.
 
You wrote: "In the DVD he did look like he wasn't there and he wasn't happy at all. He didn't even touch the girl when they danced. His close family and friends weren't there. I spoke with the girl and she said that they were trying to get her to the states so she could go to school. I have heard of this and I'm sure you all have also".

It saddens me a little bit because it sounds like you are trying to talk yourself into believing that there is a smidgin of hope that he could possibly be telling the truth... :nono:

HE SO ISN'T! :pinocchio

It also sound like you might be relying on him financially. In a sense you might feel trapped, hence you're maybe trying to make yourself believe that everything has been a misunderstanding, everything is fine and you can continue living as you are.
If you're not relying on his finances, then all the better; it will be easier to leave.

It will be hard but its time to plan a way of getting out of this financially and emotionally.
 
Girl, are you really going to fall for this??? Really??? If it was just a plan to help out his poor relative, why couldn't he just have explained that to you, instead of going behind your back. What else will he do behind your back?

I really don't know whether to laugh or cry here :ohwell:.
 
I'm getting out of a bad relationship myself and the one thing I've finally realized is that you CAN NOT let this man convince you into thinking this situation is okay. You found the DVD because it was a sign that this man is not being honest with you. If he'll lie about something as big as marriage there's no limit to what else he's lying about now and what he'll do in the future.

ETA: Don't get into this any deeper than you already are. What you are doing is accepting his bad behavior by allowing him to shower you with money. What he did is wrong and there's nothing that will change that. I myself thought that if my "man" was so good to me that the bad can't be too much to deal with...well it was and it only left me worse off than if I would have went with my initial decision to leave.
 
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