So mad and hurt right now...

[ladysaraii]

I'm sorry this happened. But I'm glad that you found out now, before it went any further into more money, marriage, and kids.

And I'm with Almaz....I'm just saying. Good revenge is a collaboration.

 

[NYAmicas]

ArE You alright? Id be devestated.

 

[DrC]

LOL

and where is your friend from

The one who told me about it is form Cote D'ivoire, including 3 other people, 2 from Ghana, 4 from Cape Verde, and the other 2 are from Botsawana. They say Nigerians are always one of the countries trying to start a war.

 

[Murjani]

Such a shame..I hope all is well with you this evening and that he hasn't talked his way back into the house.

Remove this individual(because he is no man) out of your life..

Stay strong..

 

[amara11]

Sorry for you unfortunate situation.

at some of these posts.

 

[trenise]

What a relief to find out now at this stage of things.

 

[Spiffy]

Wow! Just wow! I am so very sorry to hear this. My father is from Nigeria and believe me when I say that this is not something that ALL African men do. This man was just an A$$Hole. Period.

You say that you "should have known better," but how were you supposed to know that this man would do such a thing. Please don't start blaming yourself. You cannot be accountable for someone else's actions.

My advice is to of course get tested for HIV/AIDS, and get your life back on track. I would see if I could have the locks changed ASAP, and have his belongings waiting for him OUTSIDE the house. Have someone with you when he gets home this evening. Do not let him enter the house to retrieve his things. He does not deserve that courtesy!

ITA! Especially about having his things waiting outside for him. Do not let him in because he will more than likely try to talk his way out of what he did and you're vulnerable right now. Time is the ultimate healer; just completely cut this guy off.

Also, maybe don't count on getting the money back that he owes you erplexed and just chalk it up as a lesson learned to never loan a man money again.

:hug:

 

[Bachelorette]

The one who told me about it is form Cote D'ivoire, including 3 other people, 2 from Ghana, 4 from Cape Verde, and the other 2 are from Botsawana. They say Nigerians are always one of the countries trying to start a war.

war? where?

and yet 20 years ago, these same countries used to Claim Nigerian-ship when coming to the states and the UK. Lol people forget their history

 

[Bachelorette]

Sorry for you unfortunate situation.

at some of these posts.

what? You dont agree with Botswana?

 

[song_of_serenity]

I'm sorry OP...I know people say "At least you didn't have kids" or "At least it wasn't 10 years" or so in situations like this, but two years spent loving and trusting someone only to find THIS out is indeed devastating. I pray you find peace and I'm sorry this happened to you.

 

[Kneechay]

Like for real, I have no words.

Im truly sorry about what happened to you, but please realize regardless of what some of the posts in this thread state, this isn't indicative of all Nigerians. Go get tested like some have mentioned. This is seriously unfortunate and I hope you cut all ties so you can heal. Wishing you the best...

 

[MissJ]

Also, my ex is Nigerian, so one of my friends told me about this was who was married to a Nigerian. The lady worked with him. Well, turns out the Nigerian was already married. He managed to bring his family over here after some time, and then he tried to kick the American wife and her children out of the house so that his real family could move in. The American wife shot him.

My friend told me that story when my ex and me were having problems. At the time I didn't know it, but my ex had another girlfriend stateside and abroad. I was being played really badly with the help of his African friends (two Nigerian and one Ethiopian), who covered for him. The first guy Soji was a cheater since the day I met my ex, and we were together 4 years. Then later Tunde became a cheater, probably from Soji's influence. Then you guessed it, in the 3rd year of our relationship, my ex became indoctrinated in the cheating game. I'm so glad his Indian fiancee and her family dumped him back in India a couple years ago. What goes around comes around!

Anyway, ever so often, I would ask about the lady who shot her husband. My friend use to work with her, and he would tell me that she never came back to work. I'm guessing she went to jail.

 

[MissJ]

I, in no way, said that all Nigerians are cheaters or have wives back home, etc. I stated that I made a rule for myself that I would not date a man with ties in other countries. He or his family could be planning some kind of wedding back home. Or like in a lot of instances I have seen among not only Nigerians, but other Africans, Asians, and Mexicans, men will come over here married and pretend like they are single. If you are living here, it's not easy to find something like that out.

 

[ambergirl]

Wow That is just so hurtful and mean-spirited.

Nigerian men do have a rep, shall we say, of shenangans like this but by no means is this type of behavior exclusive to Nigerians or Africans. Anytime you're dating someone who comes from a more traditional culture, stuff like this is a potential problem because marriage in many of these cultures is a family affair, not just an individual choice.

I know of a couple of friends who were similarly dogged by South Asian and Arab men because they literally would have had to risk being shunned by their families if they didn't marry within their cultures.

 

[NappiShawti]

i'm sorry this happened 2 u OP

i kno sumbody this happened 2. my ex-DH is nigerian & so are all his friends. us & his friend & (american) girlfriend used to hang out all the time ya kno just kick it or whatever.
the friend & his gf had been 2gether 4 more than a yr....well, the guy breaks up w/ her outta nowhere & spends the summer in nigeria & ends up gettin married 2 someone from his tribe? ohwell:

the girl was absolutely in shock that they had been 2gether 4 that long & then he up & marries sumbody he's only known for a couple months if that.

hate 2 say but i think alot of 9ja men like to 'play' w/ american or 'akata'(sp?) girls as they call it & then go home & find a real wife that their family will accept. there is nothin wrong w/ DATING american women, but MARRYING one is usually less tolerable from their fam members who are prolly still back in 9ja waitin on their precious son 2 marry a nice afri girl. this is just how they think; their culture is different from ours.

i had a devastating marriage to a jealous, insecure, possessive, lying, cheating, abusive, controlling 9ja man & i wouldnt wish that on ANYBODY ever! & yes i blame many of these^^ traits on his upbringing & 9ja culture. the men are simply not brought up 2 treat women (esp. american wome) w/ a certain kind of respect. to them women are wives, childbearers, housekeepers, etc. a 9ja man (a real one! lol) will scoff @ the idea of changin diapers & cleanin a house; to them that is a woman's job & that how they will treat u.

sorry so long...kinda went off on a tangent but just thinkin about 9ja men makes my blood boil. if i were u, i would stay far far away from dating african men & having children w/ them. u will most likely end up heartbroken. of course this is not true 4 all, but the vast majority i have come into contact w/ thru marriage to ex-Dh pretty much solidifies everything i just said^. sorry 2 whoever dont agree or think im stereotypin ppl. thats just my experience & unfortunately a lot of other unsuspecting american women too

fyi: 9ja/naija=nigerian

 

[Bachelorette]

i had a devastating marriage to a jealous, insecure, possessive, lying, cheating, abusive, controlling 9ja man & i wouldnt wish that on ANYBODY ever! & yes i blame many of these^^ traits on his upbringing & 9ja culture. the men are simply not brought up 2 treat women (esp. american wome) w/ a certain kind of respect. to them women are wives, childbearers, housekeepers, etc. a 9ja man (a real one! lol) will scoff @ the idea of changin diapers & cleanin a house; to them that is a woman's job & that how they will treat u.

I dont agree but ok.

Did you even know dude's family before you got married?

 

[mrsjohnson75]

ITA! Especially about having his things waiting outside for him. Do not let him in because he will more than likely try to talk his way out of what he did and you're vulnerable right now. Time is the ultimate healer; just completely cut this guy off.

Also, maybe don't count on getting the money back that he owes you erplexed and just chalk it up as a lesson learned to never loan a man money again.

:hug:

ITA with this.

CUT HIS ARSE OFF COMPLETELY!!! Forget about your money. Forget about him.

And never ever ever ever loan a "MAN" money. If he was a real MAN he would figure out how to get it on his own...NOT ask a woman for it. REAL men don't ask women for money.period!

Time will heal your heart ((((HUGS)))))

 

[Triniwegian]

I am sorry to hear this sweetie.
Surround yourself with people that truly love you and take good care of yourself.
(((((((HUGS))))))

 

[Makenzie]

And never ever ever ever loan a "MAN" money. If he was a real MAN he would figure out how to get it on his own...NOT ask a woman for it. REAL men don't ask women for money.period!

Just felt this needed to be blown up for any and everybody to see.

To the OP - :hugs: It's a cliche, but time will heal the pain.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

hold up..wait a min...

*lights up my newport one hunnit for dis bu'shyt*

da hell kinda phuckery is dis hea....

u were datin an african and while u were packin or whateva u was doin wif his stuff, u found a DVD n played it...found out he was married.

u was financin him da whole time givin him money n shyt he was runnin all cross creation back n forth to africa, so now ur upset cuz he married. so basically, u was da America Jump-off.

don't be upset cuz u found out he got married. chile puleez..das da least or ur worris right na...why ya bu'shyttin...

u need to go n carry ya azzz down to da clinic n git tested n make sure he ain't bring u back dat "monsta" n shyt fa real fa real...and da money part? now u know das a no no. u ain't pose to be givin no man no money...git da phuck outta hea wif dat bu'shyt.

dayum...das phucked up ....dis hea whole shytuation is phucked up. i hope u ain't finance dat weddin.

so sorry u had to find out dat way....dayum. but on da real, go n getcha self tested chile....

 

[allygreeneyes]

(((HUGS)))

 

[MissJ]

i'm sorry this happened 2 u OP

i kno sumbody this happened 2. my ex-DH is nigerian & so are all his friends. us & his friend & (american) girlfriend used to hang out all the time ya kno just kick it or whatever.
the friend & his gf had been 2gether 4 more than a yr....well, the guy breaks up w/ her outta nowhere & spends the summer in nigeria & ends up gettin married 2 someone from his tribe? ohwell:

the girl was absolutely in shock that they had been 2gether 4 that long & then he up & marries sumbody he's only known for a couple months if that.

hate 2 say but i think alot of 9ja men like to 'play' w/ american or 'akata'(sp?) girls as they call it & then go home & find a real wife that their family will accept. there is nothin wrong w/ DATING american women, but MARRYING one is usually less tolerable from their fam members who are prolly still back in 9ja waitin on their precious son 2 marry a nice afri girl. this is just how they think; their culture is different from ours.

i had a devastating marriage to a jealous, insecure, possessive, lying, cheating, abusive, controlling 9ja man & i wouldnt wish that on ANYBODY ever! & yes i blame many of these^^ traits on his upbringing & 9ja culture. the men are simply not brought up 2 treat women (esp. american wome) w/ a certain kind of respect. to them women are wives, childbearers, housekeepers, etc. a 9ja man (a real one! lol) will scoff @ the idea of changin diapers & cleanin a house; to them that is a woman's job & that how they will treat u.

sorry so long...kinda went off on a tangent but just thinkin about 9ja men makes my blood boil. if i were u, i would stay far far away from dating african men & having children w/ them. u will most likely end up heartbroken. of course this is not true 4 all, but the vast majority i have come into contact w/ thru marriage to ex-Dh pretty much solidifies everything i just said^. sorry 2 whoever dont agree or think im stereotypin ppl. thats just my experience & unfortunately a lot of other unsuspecting american women too

fyi: 9ja/naija=nigerian

I realized that the cultural difference between Africans and Americans was too great for me to handle fairly recently. My first boyfriend was Nigerian. He turned out to be a liar and a manipulator by the end of the relationship. He was a domestic abuser, too. I remember when I broke up with him after he hit me. He cried to his mom on the phone who lives in Nigeria. Her response, she wants to talk to me. It seemed to me like she was excusing his behavior and felt I was wrong for breaking up with him over that. I did eventually go back to him, though (my mistake). He said he would never do it again, and I thought he needed anger management.

The relationship has been over for years. There were good parts and bad parts, and I never ruled out being with another African. I went out with another African guy years later. He was not Nigerian, however. I was not interested in him romantically, but we did hang out and talk quite a bit. The first night we went out, he told me his life story: His mother was given to his father as a WIFE when she was 10. His father was in his 30s at the time. His mother went on to have several children with the father. One day they were in a fist fight, and the father's mother tried to get into the middle of it. Well, this guy's mom accidently hit the mother, and all heck broke lose. The father, his sisters, and their mother all agreed that the guy's mother should be banished from the family, and she was, leaving all of her kids with them.

I was shocked at hearing all this, and he would tell me that it's common and accepted for husbands and wives to fight like that. Here I was thinking that my ex needed anger management, when it was probably just part of his culture. My ex later admitted that when he went to therapy for his domestic violence, he realized that he was acting out of his upbringing. But he had never really talked much about Africa like this other guy did. He had a lot of negative stuff to say. Well, I would perceive it as negative, and so did his other friends from Africa. They lived in Africa for 25+ years, so I don't think they were making it up.

After having known this guy and hearing all his stories, I decided that I probably didn't know what I was getting into, and that my culture and their culture was probably too different for me to actually be in a relationship with people who were born and raised in Africa long enough to soak up the kind of things he was talking about.

 

[YankeeCandle]

I despise his lowdown and hateful acts of deception. OP, I hope you can feel the fire and intensity our collective wrath!

I know it is likely cold comfort to you now, but I remind us all that within Western countries, native-born people (often men) lead double, triple and quadruple lives of deception that blind-side their wivessss or girlfriends of 5, 10, 15 years.

Shoot, I can't go one week with seeing a Dateline NBC promo for "Shattered Lies: How an [American] Seducer Laid His Bait" and "Secret Bigamists: How to spot them amongst us."

IMO, the major difference with people from abroad is that logistically speaking, unless you yourself have friends or family in the man's country of origin, it is much harder to do a thorough background search (both a formal paid for one and an auntie-digging-up-dirt one ) on them and their families.


But anyway, I just want you to know that you are not the first intelligent, independent woman to be done wrong in this fashion...by an man from ANY background. Please accept a to you and a figurative Chuck Norris kung fu kick to your duplicitous ex.

 

[naijamerican]

OP, I have nothing but the utmost sympathy for you in your situation.

Having said that, I think it's best to stop with these "I heard Naija men are like this," unless it's fruitful and productive for the OP. I distinctly remember when MissJ had that situation and, to her credit, I also remember that she never denounced Africans outright, but merely acknowledged that yes, there is a cultural gulf between Africans and African Americans that plays out in the context of dating relationships. But this foolywang has nothing to do with being Nigerian, and everything to do with the man himself, the company he keeps, and the norms amongst those men that allow them to step out on their wives shamelessly. The fact that he has a country to go back to that's far away just makes it easier for him.

So OP, what are you going to do? What have you done? Have you been in contact with him? Again, I'm so sorry to hear of what happened. My heart truly goes out to you; I can't imagine the devastation, loss of trust, and the other range of emotions you must be feeling right now.

 

[spelmanlocks]

This happened to a friend of my mother's as well. The guy had wives back in Nigeria and she was devastated. Regardless of where he is from this is a serious betrayal and really there is no way you could have known this. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

 

[Mai Tai]

OP, I have nothing but the utmost sympathy for you in your situation.

Having said that, I think it's best to stop with these "I heard Naija men are like this," unless it's fruitful and productive for the OP. I distinctly remember when MissJ had that situation and, to her credit, I also remember that she never denounced Africans outright, but merely acknowledged that yes, there is a cultural gulf between Africans and African Americans that plays out in the context of dating relationships. But this foolywang has nothing to do with being Nigerian, and everything to do with the man himself, the company he keeps, and the norms amongst those men that allow them to step out on their wives shamelessly. The fact that he has a country to go back to that's far away just makes it easier for him.

So OP, what are you going to do? What have you done? Have you been in contact with him? Again, I'm so sorry to hear of what happened. My heart truly goes out to you; I can't imagine the devastation, loss of trust, and the other range of emotions you must be feeling right now.

PREACH!

I come from a family where the men on the Nigerian, and American side CHOOSE to be good and faithful, husbands. I have a ton of uncles, and male cousins that have beautiful Nigerian wives and families and would never think of becoming a polygamist.

It is disgusting how some people group a whole country of men (especially the most populated country in Africa) based on their individual experiences or on some ish they heard through the grapevine. The world is a lot bigger then the things that you or I have seen. To group a whole culture really shows how little of the world some people have actually experienced.

PEOPLE cheat. That's a fact of life...but all this rhetoric about "I'll never date an African" is plain old silly. Hell, we have polygamist living right here in the US of A, and there are primarily white religions here that actually promote it. Never stopped any of us from dating and marrying white boys... just sayin...

 

[MissJ]

Well, when I say I'll never date an African, it's not a big deal. I don't want to date men who were raised by single mothers, either. I only want to date people I would see myself marrying. I want to get married like soon! I also wouldn't date a cheater or an athlete, who is likely to be a cheater. I don't see it as discriminating. It's more of wanting to be with someone with a similar upbringing and similar views. I know that marriage is a contract. If my idea of marriage is different than your idea of marriage, then there really is no marriage. There's no mutual assent. We didn't agree to the same thing. If your idea of marriage is a woman doing everything for the man, because your mom did everything for you, no dice. If your idea of a marriage is that you can take on as many wives as you can afford, no dice. If your idea of marriage is that you can have as many jumpoffs as possible, because you make a lot of money, no way jose.

I don't have anything against Africans, and I don't judge everyone based on my own experiences. I also will not minimize my experiences either. It's not easy to come home thinking everything's great and having to fight a man almost twice your size for hours, because he won't stop hitting you and won't let you leave. I don't see why African ladies get upset like it's a personal attack, when true stories are told about the men from your continent. Heck, when people speak about black men, I know they're not talking about me, so I really don't care. And I acknowledge any shortcomings I see. I don't accuse people of trying to paint all black men or black people in general with one brush. We're not talking about you, your daddy, your brother, or your lil cousins. Stories are told here about African-American men all day long, but you don't see us African-American ladies getting mad over it.

 

[socurlyqt]

OMG!! Who are you!??!?! That hsit was HILARIOUS!

ETA: sorry that happened to you. But she's right.

hold up..wait a min...

*lights up my newport one hunnit for dis bu'shyt*

da hell kinda phuckery is dis hea....

u were datin an african and while u were packin or whateva u was doin wif his stuff, u found a DVD n played it...found out he was married.

u was financin him da whole time givin him money n shyt he was runnin all cross creation back n forth to africa, so now ur upset cuz he married. so basically, u was da America Jump-off.

don't be upset cuz u found out he got married. chile puleez..das da least or ur worris right na...why ya bu'shyttin...

u need to go n carry ya azzz down to da clinic n git tested n make sure he ain't bring u back dat "monsta" n shyt fa real fa real...and da money part? now u know das a no no. u ain't pose to be givin no man no money...git da phuck outta hea wif dat bu'shyt.

dayum...das phucked up ....dis hea whole shytuation is phucked up. i hope u ain't finance dat weddin.

so sorry u had to find out dat way....dayum. but on da real, go n getcha self tested chile....

 

[socurlyqt]

MissJ;10911198]Well, when I say I'll never date an African, it's not a big deal. I don't want to date men who were raised by single mothers, either[/B].

Why dont you want to date men raised by single mothers?

 

[msbettyboop]

and at some of the posts in this thread. Just because a few people from somewhere act a particular way doesn't mean ALL the million plus people from the same place act the EXACT same way!!! Stop fuelling the stereotypes fire!!!

OP, sorry to hear that. Burn all his stuff and kick him to the curb then take an STD test. Karma will get his a*** eventually. Take it as a lesson learnt, let it go and move on. Good luck