Should I live with my SO before marriage??

Here's my answer

Noooooooooooooooooooo

Take my advice please. Been there done that. It's not worth it.


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I've done this before, and I really recommend that you not do this. I too would think to myself "well we're around eachother all the time anyway..." but that's totally different from living with someone.
 
I agree with everyone saying don't do it ...even though I did... DH & I dated for a yr then he asked me to move in with him. But we bouht our home together....we went looking together and my name was on all the documents. Within the first 6 mos of living together we were engaged.

I guess the difference is that we did it as a join decision. I knew he was the one & he felt the same about me. I would be bothered if supposedly we are going to wed someday but he made such a big decision without my opinion or feedback. And the whole bit about his mama decorating the house...no bueno.

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BostonMaria said:
Here's my answer

Noooooooooooooooooooo

Take my advice please. Been there done that. It's not worth it.


Sent from my fancy iPhone using LHCF
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JasmineLatice said:
I've done this before, and I really recommend that you not do this. I too would think to myself "well we're around eachother all the time anyway..." but that's totally different from living with someone.
Click to expand...


Care to elaborate on what the downsides were? BostonMaria JasmineLatice
 
I'm sure you've read what the others have said. It worries me that he could put you out if something goes wrong as all you would be paying for is groceries. I'd politely tell him that you wish to wait until he proposes and you set a date/get married first. It's odd to me that he would change his mind (which people sometimes do) but doesn't have a ring to back it up. Moving in with each other just to save money doesn't make sense, you mind as well get married.
 
Serious question, but is anti-shacking more prevalent in the black community?

I've noticed that white folks always shack and have no problem getting married after doing so yet shacking seems to be looked down upon in our community.
 
If you move in with him and you plan on getting married, AND, you're paying on anything in that house, make sure your name on the deed.

Do NOT move in unless you both have talked and set a very specific timeline as you're both marriage minded. Don't just guess about him proposing, KNOW that is a fact before you pack up one suitcase to move in with him.


At the moment, you're a girlfriend, you're not a fiancee or a wife. That means his mother should do what she's doing as long as her son allows it. If you want any say in that home, you better let HIM know and let him know what he needs to do about that.

My husband and I moved in together prior to marriage (it was not my primary goal anyway) but there were lots of things we did and talked about before it even got to that point. I made damn sure above all else that I was protected in case it went south, and that I would not have to put up with any bull from him. That meant I went to a lawyer on my own and had a heart to heart about what my rights would be if we ever broke up. When it came time to sign papers, I had my own representation at the table.

Women don't realize in this day and age that you SHOULD do this! Don't marry if you don't want right away, but make sure your bases are covered and look after number 1.:yep:

When you approach this from a practical standpoint and not an emotional one, and you'll do better for yourself in the longrun.

-A
 
Lexsmarie said:
Hey ladies... so I'm a little bit confused and concerned.

I've been with my SO for a year as of yesterday (YAH!) and things are going great! Currently, I have my own place and he has his own place; every night we are staying with each other at one of our places (97% of the time). He mentioned many times in the past that he would not live with a SO prior to marriage because living the marriage life before being married is something he strongly believe should not happen. Well.... he just bought a house and asked me to move in with him when my lease is up in January. I was shocked, excited and concerned all at the same time. I would love to live with him, but why did he change his belief about "living the marriage life"? And if I move it, would this create an even longer time for him to propose?

Also, his parents are doing a lot of work into the house. Based on conversations, it is clear to me that his parents does not know that I am moving in the house with him in the future. His mother is making decisions and taking actions on decorating the house; what room should be what and etc. Which I am cool with but I would also like to decorate and be involved too. I don't understand why he hasn't told his parents about me moving in with him???

Ugh! Just so much on my mind and not sure what to do. He will be the first (and hopefully last) SO I've lived with.
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This sounds like this might be your gut talking and we always need to listen to our gut/intuition.

I understand him wanting to own a home, but the fact that he's not including you in work around the house and decorating is saying something to me.

I personally think that you should wait until you get married before you move in. It's not even because you two aren't married yet. In some situations it does work out. However based on what you're told us, I think you should

a) wait until you get married
b) get your name put on the deed of the house (yes I know it's not necessary, but I think it's a good move).

Hopefully you'll do whatever is best for you. Good luck.
 
Xavier said:
Serious question, but is anti-shacking more prevalent in the black community?

I've noticed that white folks always shack and have no problem getting married after doing so yet shacking seems to be looked down upon in our community.
Click to expand...

I can only speak for myself on this one. I think not moving in until he proposes is more of a strategic move, especially for a woman who plans to marry in the near future.

She has to decide if she is willing to risk delaying an engagement. He very well may propose within months of them living together or it could be years.
 
Xavier said:
Serious question, but is anti-shacking more prevalent in the black community?

I've noticed that white folks always shack and have no problem getting married after doing so yet shacking seems to be looked down upon in our community.
Click to expand...

***Nope***
 
Another thing, from the way you've described it, your SO went and bought a house by himself without your input. A house is a loooooong term commitment, esp in this economy. If he were planning on you being a part of his life forever, I would think that you two would be shopping for the house together, with him asking your input on neighborhoods, # of bathrooms, etc. I'm also assuming that the fact he is able to buy a house means that he is no spring chicken, so what is he waiting for if he already has the woman he wants to marry?

I'm sorry, but from what you've written here, your SO does not seem to be thinking about marrying you anytime soon if ever. The fact he's asked you to move in, and your long time together, means nothing. Men are capable of living in these "like marriage" situations indefinitely if it's to their advantages even if they have no intentions of marrying. What often happens is that they will live with a "miss right now" for several years. "Miss Right" then comes along and "Miss right now" is unceremoniously dumped after wasting several years of her life, and then finds out that "Miss Right" has been proposed to after two or three months.

I firmly believe that if a man wants to marry you, there will be no doubt about it in your heart, and your posts here sound like you are unsure of what he plans for you--which usually means that he is not planning on putting a ring on it.

Hopefully we're all wrong here and he will surprise you with a ring in the next few days. But if he doesn't, you really do have to have a serious talk with your SO. Some women don't want to have that talk because it's unromantic, but I believe in the real world in this day and age, very few proposals are truly surprises.
 
Lexsmarie,

It seems as though you will move in (as planned). If you've taken nothing else from these posts then please consider the ones re: financial security.

Make it crystal clear to him that your financial contribution will be grocery & utilities only. SAVE your money.

Good luck.
 
I say do what makes you happy.

No calculated plan is going to guarantee a perfect outcome. Meaning, not moving in will not guarantee marriage... and moving in will not guarantee a delayed proposal. You live and you learn, but at least know you made the decision.
 
tbh, i'd be more concerned about my fear of moving in delaying an engagement/marriage.

i don't want to have to strategize or manipulate the man i love into marrying me. and not moving in when it would be best for both parties (in theory, if he's not making you pay rent) so he'll marry you sounds like a strategic move to me.

there are more red flags about the whole post but that's what stuck out to me.
 
Carrie A said:
Care to elaborate on what the downsides were? @BostonMaria @JasmineLatice
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Oh my bad was I vague? :lachen:
Just kidding

Forgive me in advance because I have a feeling I'm going to babble :lol:

OK I guess I'll put it like this. If you're going to live in the same house, wash his clothes, wash the dishes, cook, clean, pay half the utilities+rent, take care of him when he's sick, etc.... everything a wife does, then why not just wait until you are married to do these things? IMO a man reaps most of the benefit from living with a woman and not committing to her. He gets everything in exchange for no real commitment on his end.

What's the worse that can happen? Well he can decide to prolong the marriage. He already has the cow, why buy the milk? LOL Do YOU want to get married? Maybe not now. Later on you might and what if that just doesn't happen? Do you really want to take that chance? I'm 40 and realize now that the "try before you buy" crap just doesn't work. It takes YEARS to really establish a relationship with someone. You really can't tell in one year of living together if you are going to be compatible. Oh he's gonna get on your nerves. Why wouldn't he? He's only human. We're all selfish. It takes years, tears, patience, dying to self, killing of selfishness, and determination (we're talking 5-10 years) for a couple to really understand each other. I've been with my DH for 8 years and I'm still learning.

I have a few friends that lived with their SO first and they got married. Unfortunately that percentage is much lower than the friends that lived with their SO and broke up with them. Its just so much easier (in my opinion) to break up with somebody if you are not married. Marriage forces you to take a deep breath and say hey I am committed to save this for the sake of my marriage. I made a promise to the Lord (I'm Christian) and I don't want to break that vow. Its not that easy to just walk away especially if there are children involved. Of course divorce rates are high and I know this. I have seen way too many of my friends shack up with their men, have kids with them, only to have their man leave them AND marry another woman (no that didn't happen to me thank God).

OK that's it. My dos centavos :grin:

ETA: Advantages of being married vs being the girlfriend:

  • My DH's insurance is WAY better than mine! LOL I am on his health insurance policy.
  • We have life insurance on each other and if something were to God forbid happen to him or vice versa, we are covered and will receive Social Security as well.
  • I have his last name and have rights
  • If he is sick I can make a decision on his behalf and vice versa
  • Whatever is his is mine and whatever is mine is his
  • I can have fantabulous, mind blowing "crayon sessions" with this man and can feel wonderful knowing it ain't a sin LOLOLOLOL :grin:
I mention the insurance and stuff because if GOD FORBID something happen to you and him and you're only the girlfriend he could leave you high and dry unintentionally and legally there may be people before you that can take it all and leave you with nothing.
 
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I myself wouldn't move in, it leaves you with very little choices and when we limit choices it makes it all too difficult to leave if it doesn't work out.
 
My concern is that in the event that he does intend on proposing, he just made a major life decision without consulting you. Houses in this market are a long term commitment and you didn't get much say. Did he pick one that you all could afford if things go wrong, can you afford it on your income of he becomes unemployed, is it close enough to your job, is the neighborhood family friendly and in a good school district, if you live in a hurricane state, what is the category of the home? Do you like the home so much that you are willing to put into it? When you are in a serious relationship heading towards marriage, decisions that will affect both of you should be made with everyones input.

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just my two cents...

to me, it seems a bit selfish of him to go out & buy a house without seeking your advice, input or approval. Especially if he was thinking that the place was going to be "Ours" instead of "his". I wonder if he's still has the "me" mentality instead of the "we" mentality.

And, when you throw in the fact that he has his mother over there helping him decorate?? nooooo child, no! There can only be one woman & one man of a house. Now, if you do move in, his mother is gonna feel like her toes got stepped on because she's put in this effort & here you come possibly changing things more to your liking.


I don't know what his plans are for your relationship, but just from this scenario - he sounds a bit too selfish & controlling to be a husband. I could be wrong though.
 
ITA with everything BostonMaria said.

He expected things from me as if I were his wife, but at the end of the day, I wasn't his wife. I didn't have the rights a wife would have. I felt ashamed that I was in a situation where he was basically getting everything he wanted from me and I wasn't getting much in return.

I wanted him to do things like, come home at a decent time, call/check-in to let me know how things were going throughout the day, consult with me before making large purchases, have the decency to let me know that company is coming over. Those are some of the things a good husband may do. There was only one problem.. he wasn't my husband. He may have done those things sometimes but not on a consistent basis, and honestly he shouldn't have had to because we weren't married. Just like I shouldn't have been cleaning and cooking for him.

We had a 12 month rent agreement. I broke the lease after 5 months and moved on.

ETA: I really do wish the OP the best though. I have heard success stories for situations like this, so I guess it's possible for everything to go well.
 
I have always been opposed to co-habitation for myself and have yet to regret it. IMO, there isn't anything inherently wrong with co-habitation, but when the arrangement fails, it's generally because those involved weren't honest with themselves and each other about their intentions and expectations UP FRONT.

As for your situation,

Lexsmarie said:
...Well.... he just bought a house and asked me to move in with him when my lease is up in January. I was shocked, excited and concerned all at the same time. I would love to live with him, but why did he change his belief about "living the marriage life"? And if I move it, would this create an even longer time for him to propose?

Also, his parents are doing a lot of work into the house. Based on conversations, it is clear to me that his parents does not know that I am moving in the house with him in the future. His mother is making decisions and taking actions on decorating the house; what room should be what and etc. Which I am cool with but I would also like to decorate and be involved too. I don't understand why he hasn't told his parents about me moving in with him???...
Click to expand...
only your SO can answer these questions and there's no way address these issues without bringing them up to him directly.
 
I'm a few months out of a "live-in bf" situation. I moved in with him, and it didnt seem like much of a big deal at the time. we "shacked up" for 3 years. Everyone who mentioned a break up is correct. If anything goes wrong you have no home to go back to, no rights, and will probably have to "start all over" with the money you've saved (hopefully). If your relationship is the real deal, then moving in now would probably be more detrimental than it is conducive. I say wait because living together and splitting responsibilities is already so much like a marriage that you are better off with a ring first.

And remember you are moving him with HIM. No part of it is yours...momma is not gonna let you in easy after she help him set it up. Not because she's his mother, but the symbolism alone of someone "making a house into a home" is a big frikkin deal. You'll be a longterm guest :yep:.
 
Hmmmmm the OP sounded all too familiar. :nono: I'd definitely not do it if I were you. This has already been said, but I really hope that you talk to him about how a marriage fits into the picture.
 
*lights up a newport one hunnit*

he purchased a home without any input from you? momma already comin ova decoratin and takin ova? chile puleez....

he must be blowin yo back out cuz i know u done told him yeah, but i wouldn't do it. ur gut is already tellin u. i haven't read all of the responses, but sounds to me like he wants you to move in for convenience.

24-hour in house puddi

financial help with the purchase of this home.

what's in it for you besides a stiff one at night? if he up jumps da boogie n die, guess what? u gots to go shuga. and when u go, u goin broke cuz u ain't da beneficiary on da insurance policy. momma ain't gonna wanna hear nuffin else.

at this stage of the game, you have more to lose than he does.

don't sell urself short by movin in tryna audition for da role of wifey. damn dat shyt. u sittin round da house, cookin, washin dis nicca's drawz, cleanin up behind him, phuckin him from da chandaliers, suckin da nerves outta his penis n shyt....while he gotchu sittin idle on Promise Street thinkin ur gonna get the leading role.

u need to sit down and throw his words back up in face regarding marriage.

think about what you're bout to do cuz fa real fa real, i see a bumpy road ahead if u move in. stand for something or fall for anything. have a plan or plan to fail.

shakin works for some, while it may not work for others. but hey, i could be all wrong.

*goes back to read responses*

yeah, i'm hustlin backwards t'day yall lololol
 
ThatJerseyGirl said:
24-hour in house puddi

don't sell urself short by movin in tryna audition for da role of wifey. damn dat shyt. u sittin round da house, cookin, washin dis nicca's drawz, cleanin up behind him, phuckin him from da chandaliers, suckin da nerves outta his penis n shyt....while he gotchu sittin idle on Promise Street thinkin ur gonna get the leading role.
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:lachen: :lachen: :lachen:
 
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