Should I break up with my "fiance"?

[Tallone]

You are still young and will have plenty of opportunities for BETTER suitors when you are ready. Don't try to hang onto that just because you had time invested in it. Shoot, fools have 10, 15 yrs invested into prisons but once you are out, thank the Lord you are!
You are worth better. He may or may not ever be ready. Are you trying to invest another 5 yrs to find out?
Time waits for no man and neither does Ms.<insert last name here>!

 

[Tallone]

Just Kiya sounds like an awesome big sister to have, doesn't she?

Where were you when I was fumbling through life LOL

 

[Xavier]

This is a tough one. I would really work on forgiving him, if you are really wanting to spend the rest of your life with him.

I know I might be in the norm but if he is a good man overall who you love, and he admitted to the cheating and wants to make things right, then I wouldn't be so quick to let him go. I wouldn't accept him back into my heart and life so easily, but I wouldn't just call it quits either.

I think that premarital counseling would be a great idea.


Maybe the 45% of black women are not married thread is getting to me.

 

[Eclass215]

As said before, you know what you have to do. Your decision is made, just hard to come to terms with it emotionally. Thats the ugly part of giving our heart and trust to someone. Just know that your heartbreak will not be in vain. This will just better prepare you for when the right mate for YOU comes along.

Pop that Beyonce CD in and put Irreplaceable on repeat..."Everything he owns in a box to the left"

That's what it is. I almost wish he would have made it easy on me and just left on his own.

There is no right or wrong answer (about forgiveness) it's about your inner peace.

I don't know if I'll have inner peace any time soon, sadly

You are still young and will have plenty of opportunities for BETTER suitors when you are ready. Don't try to hang onto that just because you had time invested in it. Shoot, fools have 10, 15 yrs invested into prisons but once you are out, thank the Lord you are!
You are worth better. He may or may not ever be ready. Are you trying to invest another 5 yrs to find out?
Time waits for no man and neither does Ms.<insert last name here>!

I know. I do know. I just hate it. I just feel so betrayed. I stopped dealing with a good man who just got married because I wanted to be with this guy. You know I'm sitting here wondering "what if...."

 

[Lola28]

See here we go with the Jedi mind tricks again! He wants to take things slow and see where things go from there and decide if he wants to marry you?! I'm so mad at this right now. YOU are the one that needs to take it slow and reflect not HIM. HE cheated on YOU and hurt YOU not the other way around.

OP you sound like such a thoughtful person that it's probably a fault for you. I'm loyal like that too. To a fault also. We tend to think of other people feelings and ignore ours when we are hurting so much inside. Why doesn't he want to leave,if I may ask?

 

[Eclass215]

This is a tough one. I would really work on forgiving him, if you are really wanting to spend the rest of your life with him.

I know I might be in the norm but if he is a good man overall who you love, and he admitted to the cheating and wants to make things right, then I wouldn't be so quick to let him go. I wouldn't accept him back into my heart and life so easily, but I wouldn't just call it quits either.

I think that premarital counseling would be a great idea.


Maybe the 45% of black women are not married thread is getting to me.

LOL - I know right! You don't even know how I stayed out of that thread because I didn't want to be swayed either way. This is hard.

 

[Eclass215]

See here we go with the Jedi mind tricks again! He wants to take things slow and see where things go from there and decide if he wants to marry you?! I'm so mad at this right now. YOU are the one that needs to take it slow and reflect not HIM. HE cheated on YOU and hurt YOU not the other way around.

OP you sound like such a thoughtful person that it's probably a fault for you. I'm loyal like that too. To a fault also. We tend to think of other people feelings and ignore ours when we are hurting so much inside. Why doesn't he want to leave,if I may ask?

I knowwww - I hate that I can be such a softie sometimes!!! I don't want to let him walk all over, me - but if you would have asked me a year ago, our relationship was PERFECT! Well - not 100%, but you know - I had no complaints. NOW.....the complaints keep rolling in. I'm just so bitter all the time.

I asked him why he doesn't want to leave and he said he loves me, he can't leave me, it would be too hard not to be with me, he wants to start a family and he does want to be marreid, blah blah blah. I'm wondering what the real reason is. I want to say it could be financial for him too - but he makes more than I do and would probably be in a better position living in an apartment alone instead of paying half the bills with me. So - is he sincere? I don't even know anymore.

 

[JustKiya]

Just Kiya sounds like an awesome big sister to have, doesn't she?

Where were you when I was fumbling through life LOL

Thank you!!! And I was most likely fumbling through things my danngone self. It's so much easier to be 'on-point' when it doesn't involved your own emotions, ya know?

 

[OneInAMillion]

Hi there!

I just wanted to send you a hug because I know this must be a really trying time

I don't have any more advice than what others have posted, but I do think its best that you just take time to reflect on yourself and your feelings. However long you need.

 

[LifeafterLHCF]

Well I just hope you pray forgive and move on..if a man wants a woman he will go over beyond to make you happy and to keep your smile..he didnt do that and you have wasted 5 yrs..even the seemingly good times were tainted bc he shared himself with another woman..I would want to know why did you cheat..was this a ego issue or something more..he not worth the time to get back...he is suppose to be a leader in a marriage not a coward..

 

[sunshinelady]

I knowwww -

I asked him why he doesn't want to leave his house and he said he loves what we have, he can't leave my good gussy, it would be too hard to see me with someone else, he wants to start a family with someone financially stable and he doesn't want to be alone, blah blah blah. I'm wondering what the real reason is. I want to say it could be financial for him too - but he makes more than I do and would probably be in a better position living in an apartment alone instead of paying half the bills with me. So - is he sincere? I don't even know anymore.

Fixed that for you.

 

[Eclass215]

Hi there!

I just wanted to send you a hug because I know this must be a really trying time

I don't have any more advice than what others have posted, but I do think its best that you just take time to reflect on yourself and your feelings. However long you need.

Thank you. I'm so glad I can come here and get support and help.

 

[Eclass215]

Fixed that for you.

You are killing me over here!!

Hmm....now you're making me think too.......

 

[sunshinelady]

You are killing me over here!!

Hmm....now you're making me think too.......

I know, but, seriously, my heart goes out to you. Remember this. No more playing wifey without being the wife. The longer you live with a man, the less likely he is to marry you.

If I decided to stay, he'd have to set a date and plan the wedding himself.

 

[Eclass215]

I know, but, seriously, my heart goes out to you. Remember this. No more playing wifey without being the wife. The longer you live with a man, the less likely he is to marry you.

If I decided to stay, he'd have to set a date and plan the wedding himself.

This is gonna be hard. He's on his way home now - I'm not leaving work for another hour. I want to get this off my chest ASAP. You're right though.

 

[kittenz]

He showed you who he is and he told you. Now YOU get to choose if you still love the man he is, not the man he says he can be. IMO the first step to deciding if you still want to be with him is to make him leave. Like everyone's said, you need your space right now to think and experience some of the freedoms he decided to have to while y'all were together.

((Hugs)) This may be the best thing he's ever done for you. He's giving you an opportunity to decide again, and redirect your life if you choose. Confront him when you're at peace with your decision, whatever it maybe.

 

[hopeful]

I would just break up with him and move on. You are at a pivotal age where you can rebound nicely. No man that is not your husband deserves more than five years of your life.

 

[blackmaven]

Eclass,

Only you can decide to stay or leave......what another lady can endure you may not be able to take.......we all know what we will accept,tolorate and say baby bye

 

[Eclass215]

Well I just hope you pray forgive and move on..if a man wants a woman he will go over beyond to make you happy and to keep your smile..he didnt do that and you have wasted 5 yrs..even the seemingly good times were tainted bc he shared himself with another woman..I would want to know why did you cheat..was this a ego issue or something more..he not worth the time to get back...he is suppose to be a leader in a marriage not a coward..

Yeah. He definitely made me question the type of man he is.

He showed you who he is and he told you. Now YOU get to choose if you still love the man he is, not the man he says he can be. IMO the first step to deciding if you still want to be with him is to make him leave. Like everyone's said, you need your space right now to think and experience some of the freedoms he decided to have to while y'all were together.

((Hugs)) This may be the best thing he's ever done for you. He's giving you an opportunity to decide again, and redirect your life if you choose. Confront him when you're at peace with your decision, whatever it maybe.[/QUOTE]

Right. I think that's where I'm trying to get to - at peace with my decision so I have no regrets.

I would just break up with him and move on. You are at a pivotal age where you can rebound nicely. No man that is not your husband deserves more than five years of your life.

I think that's what pisses me off about this too. I spent so much time with him and left so many others behind, just for him to cheat and say he's not ready to be married. I don't want to waste more time.

Eclass,

Only you can decide to stay or leave......what another lady can endure you may not be able to take.......we all know what we will accept,tolorate and say baby bye

Thank you.

 

[sunshinelady]

If you want to be gangsta with it, get the locks changed tomorrow.

Speaking from experience, you will never forgive yourself if you don't get angry first. Don't be too reasonable.

 

[Eclass215]

If you want to be gangsta with it, get the locks changed tomorrow.

Noooo I can't do that!!! Plus I already checked with the law and that would be an illegal eviction

 

[sunshinelady]

Noooo I can't do that!!! Plus I already checked with the law and that would be an illegal eviction

Really? Would he call the cops? You've got to give him 30 days?

 

[Eclass215]

Really? Would he call the cops? You've got to give him 30 days?

I don't think he would call the cops...then again he probably doesn't think I would change the locks on him! So who knows. But yup - since he gets mail there, I have to give him proper notice.

 

[blkbeauty]

You are at the age when I realize it was time to access my current long-term relationship. I was with my ex for 10 years from the time I was 19 to 29 and around 27, I really started to turn over a new leaf. Although I realized that we were not the perfect couple by that point, in the back of my mind I thought we had a chance. He wanted to break up with me, I stopped him, I wanted to bring up with him, he would stop me.

What finally broke the cord, was me picturing see me married to him at 60. When I sat back and really thought about all the stress he put me through over the years, it was a no go. Slowly but surely I took care of myself and looked out for only me. We broke up with him when I turned 28, dated someone else when I was 30 and got married 6 months ago.

I can't tell you what to do, except do not worry. Take life in the present, not the past or the future. But I can say this, once trust is broken its very hard to forget.

 

[msdeevee]

You have wasted 5 years of your life already on this man.

In some peoples thoughts your prime years , once you rebound from this loss you may be in your 30's .

He was able to live with you for these past 5 years while you played wifey at your youthful best.

I may be wrong but didn't he prosper financially? he lived with you , you bought another property and he was able to rent his out ...so I gather he was banking his rental money . I assume he was also at least paying half with you but that would still put him ahead.

What a great deal for a couple but in that time he was cheating and lying to you.

I know this scenario because I've been there done that. I wasted 5 years of my 20's waiting for a man that loved me (he said ) but not enough to be faithful and marry me like he said he would. All I got out of it was a broken heart and left alone and he married someone else 6 months after I finally broke up with him after 5 years. That devastated me but it freed me to find my husband.

Cut your losses, if you still want to give him a real chance to prove he loves you and wants to be with you. See how he makes out without you while you go on with your life.

 

[blackmaven]

I don't think he would call the cops...then again he probably doesn't think I would change the locks on him! So who knows. But yup - since he gets mail there, I have to give him proper notice.

He takes advantage of you kindess. Always be true to you,don't ever change for anyone. It is a quality few possess

 

[Summer_Rain]

EClass - just know that whatever you decide today will establish the pace for the rest of your relationship with him. He cheated, he lied, he put your sexual health in danger - he has given you the blueprint for what to expect. At the end of X amount of time, when he walks away he'll look at you and say "EClass...I told you who I was and what I was about, what did you expect?"

This is not to say that he can not change - but he has no incentive to right now because it seems like you feel more guilty and are more worrisome than he is.

 

[awhyley]

Just Kiya sounds like an awesome big sister to have, doesn't she?

Fa real. Her advice throughout this thread has been amazing.

See here we go with the Jedi mind tricks again! He wants to take things slow and see where things go from there and decide if he wants to marry you?!

I thought that's what I read as well, but I couldn't believe it when I saw it. I mean, he wants more time, MORE TIME! This joker can't be serious. If the cheating wasn't bad enough, that's the nail in the coffin right there.

You have wasted 5 years of your life already on this man.

I may be wrong but didn't he prosper financially? he lived with you , you bought another property and he was able to rent his out ...so I gather he was banking his rental money. I assume he was also at least paying half with you but that would still put him ahead.

BINGO!!! I just wanted to add that Eclass, you owe this fool NOTHING! And if you marry him, he may end up owning half of your stuff. He already thinks he's got it made, (which is why he doesn't want to move). He thought that you'd beg for him to stay after he offered to leave, but when that didn't happen; he saw that he had to string you along with more promises. You're 28 years old; not 38 or 48, you'll bounce back from this a wiser person.

I'm confused about this 30 day rule thing. Thursday is 31Dec; by Friday, I would want his @ss outta there. It isn't like he doesn't have a place to go back to, (or the resources to spend at a hotel or something). Break the news and have him pack his sh*t. (**Not that it matters, but I am curious; do you know the person who he cheated with? Did he think you would find out? I'm wondering why he split the beans.)

 

[Eclass215]

You have wasted 5 years of your life already on this man.

In some peoples thoughts your prime years , once you rebound from this loss you may be in your 30's .

He was able to live with you for these past 5 years while you played wifey at your youthful best.

I may be wrong but didn't he prosper financially? he lived with you , you bought another property and he was able to rent his out ...so I gather he was banking his rental money . I assume he was also at least paying half with you but that would still put him ahead.

What a great deal for a couple but in that time he was cheating and lying to you.

I know this scenario because I've been there done that. I wasted 5 years of my 20's waiting for a man that loved me (he said ) but not enough to be faithful and marry me like he said he would. All I got out of it was a broken heart and left alone and he married someone else 6 months after I finally broke up with him after 5 years. That devastated me but it freed me to find my husband.

Cut your losses, if you still want to give him a real chance to prove he loves you and wants to be with you. See how he makes out without you while you go on with your life.

Right - and I was hoping to start a family soon, and I can't keep messing around with him (end up pregnant and then really be confused). Financially, that's a whole other story, but he'll be fine if he leaves. I just need to go home and talk to him and let him know where I stand right now.

 

[sunshinelady]

Right - and I was hoping to start a family soon, and I can't keep messing around with him (end up pregnant and then really be confused). Financially, that's a whole other story, but he'll be fine if he leaves. I just need to go home and talk to him and let him know where I stand right now.

Check the law again, seriously.