Should I break up with my "fiance"?

[Eclass215]

Ok ladies. Sorry if this is long but my heart and head are torn and I need to vent a lil bit. The main issue I'm having is whether or not to break up with my "fiance". You'll see why the " " is needed in a minute.

Backstory:

We met when I was 23 and he was 30. We casually dated for 5 months before I moved to another state. Did the LDR thing for 1 1/2 years, then I moved to MD. He ended up bing my realtor and decided it would be a good idea if I bought a condo and he would rent his house and move in with me. I also bought another house and rented that out too. So we moved in together and a year later he proposed. I wasn't even pressing the marriage issue for some reason, I just wasn't worried about it at the time - but I was happy when he proposed, and shocked!

Fast forward to a year after the proposal. We still have not set a date. I confront him about it and he says "Why rush?" erplexed Ummm....didn't YOU propose to ME?? Who proposes then doesn't want to get married!? This sets off a chain of events over the next couple of months that just turn into an emotional hurricane. I start asking him why he would propose if he didn't want to get married in the near future; when does he feel like he'll be ready; what is he afraid of; I'm now 28 and he's 34(almost 35) - WTF are we waiting for; I thought he wanted to start a family soon; is there something he's not telling me.....

Last month he finally tells me that he's not ready and he thinks we need a break. Not only am I shocked, I'm confused. He says he can't deal with the pressure of getting married and doesn't want to hurt me and lead me on any further if he's still not ready. This isn't adding up to me - so lo and behold, the truth comes out.

He cheated on me and now he's not sure if we should be married because he wasn't faithful and doesn't want to *** up a marriage by cheating. Needless to say, I am devastated. After a lot of emotional conversations, we decide he should move out. We start talking about the details, when will he leave, money, breaking the news to family and friends, who gets what, (finances were a big deal since it was his idea for me to buy these two properties with the thought WE'D be together and handle them both). I gave the ring back but he told me to keep it. I'm not wearing it though.

NOW - he says he wants to work on it. He wants to be faithful, he doesn't want to leave, he wants to try and be together and see how if goes for awhile before FINALLY setting a date.

But now I'm not so sure. As much as I wanted him to say those things, I am so hesitant at this point. He put me through so much emotionally over this past year that I kinda want to start the new year with a fresh start - without him. I'm just afraid of telling him to leave and not giving it another chance OR letting him stay and having things STILL not work out, then I just wasted more time. Financially, it will be a major change, but I can handle it. I just don't know if I should stay invested in this relationship, or let him go do his thing. Will he really be ready for marriage? Ever?

Thoughts? I'm kinda miserable right now.

 

[Lishaboo]

I'm not sure how long you guys were apart about if you really want to be with him and you can forgive his cheating you need to make him wait!!

He needs to realize that if you are what he really wants he is going to have to straighten up and if really wants to be with you he would be breaking his neck trying to get back with you. If not, you will know if he is not really serious and just playing games.

 

[Eclass215]

I'm not sure how long you guys were apart about if you really want to be with him and you can forgive his cheating you need to make him wait!!

He needs to realize that if you are what he really wants he is going to have to straighten up and if really wants to be with you he would be breaking his neck trying to get back with you. If not, you will know if he is not really serious and just playing games.

See - he didn't even leave yet. But I think I still want him to - but now HE doesn't want to leave. So I never even got any space to collect myself and my thoughts without him in my life. You think I should still tell him to leave?

 

[Ms Red]

This is such a hard situation to be in and I admire your courage and strength the way you've handled it thus far.

It sounds cliche, but I say go with your heart. The statements you made "I kinda want to start the new year with a fresh start - without him" and "Financially, it will be a major change, but I can handle it" are very telling.

What you've written tells me that you have had enough and that you're ready to move on and be treated the way you deserve to be. This man has taken up many years of your life that you cannot get back. If the relationship was meant to lead to marriage (and faithful marriage at that), don't you think it would have *by now*? I am no expert but you are still young and I feel that you can find true happiness without the drama if you give yourself the chance. Whether or not you decide to be with him, he needs to leave and be tested. You need space to think, pray, etc. without his needs and wants voiced. He cheated on YOU. He took YOU for granted. He doesn't get to decide to stay.

I pray you find a resolution and soon!

 

[HoneyA]

I think you already know the answer to this question. It will get better...

 

[JustKiya]

Hrm.

I'd start by trying to sell one of those properties. But that's just me.

And two, if a man tells you he doesn't think he can be faithful in a marriage - LISTEN TO HIM. I don't know how much you know about the details of his infidelity, but I'm not one of those ladies who thinks that a man changes all that much once he gets married. Ya'll brought a house together, were living together, were engaged to be married and he's still stepping out?

Nah, bruh. You've already taken up five years of my life.

 

[Eclass215]

Hrm.

I'd start by trying to sell one of those properties. But that's just me.

And two, if a man tells you he doesn't think he can be faithful in a marriage - LISTEN TO HIM. I don't know how much you know about the details of his infidelity, but I'm not one of those ladies who thinks that a man changes all that much once he gets married. Ya'll brought a house together, were living together, were engaged to be married and he's still stepping out?

Nah, bruh. You've already taken up five years of my life.

And that was my thought - he's telling me who he is, so I should listen. Then I got my ole' soft compassionate side that wants to give him another chance - ugh. But no, the houses are both in my name so he has no stake in either.

*sigh* I know what I have to do. I'm just so sad about it.

Thanks.

 

[sunshinelady]

If you let him stay, he will never appreciate what he had with you. If you can handle it financially, then let him bounce.

The condo is in your name, right? If so, then there should be no question about him moving.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

I will not tell you what to do because you need to decide what you can tolerate in your family life. I will share what my favorite aunt told me about a cheating situation: "Get the other woman's address and send her flowers because she showed you the kind of man you almost married."

I'm sure that you know this but men will buy a "shut her up" ring and never set a date. It happens all the time. I know a few women who had engagement rings after years of dating with no date set and they never married the guy who gave them the ring.

 

[Finewine]

I've never been cheated on but I believe trust is a major part of a relationship and cheating breaks that trust. Maybe talking to someone can help you get over it or choose to leave the relationship without regrets. Try couples therapy. After what he's done he should be willing to go. After a few sessions you can reassess the situation.

Hugs, and good luck to you. I'm sure this is a really hard situation.

 

[JustKiya]

And that was my thought - he's telling me who he is, so I should listen. Then I got my ole' soft compassionate side that wants to give him another chance - ugh. But no, the houses are both in my name so he has no stake in either.

*sigh* I know what I have to do. I'm just so sad about it.

Thanks.

Yeah. I can understand giving people second chances - with some things. Giving me a 'shut up' ring (no offense - but if he wasn't down on setting a date for no good reason, that's what it is, in my mind) is erplexed enough, but to turn around a cheat on me? Sorry, son. You'll be aiight.

 

[Eclass215]

This is such a hard situation to be in and I admire your courage and strength the way you've handled it thus far.

It sounds cliche, but I say go with your heart. The statements you made "I kinda want to start the new year with a fresh start - without him" and "Financially, it will be a major change, but I can handle it" are very telling.

What you've written tells me that you have had enough and that you're ready to move on and be treated the way you deserve to be. This man has taken up many years of your life that you cannot get back. If the relationship was meant to lead to marriage (and faithful marriage at that), don't you think it would have *by now*? I am no expert but you are still young and I feel that you can find true happiness without the drama if you give yourself the chance. Whether or not you decide to be with him, he needs to leave and be tested. You need space to think, pray, etc. without his needs and wants voiced. He cheated on YOU. He took YOU for granted. He doesn't get to decide to stay.

I pray you find a resolution and soon!

You got me tearing up at work over here.

Thank you for that. You are SO right. Now I gotta go dry my eyes in the ladies room!

 

[Eclass215]

I think you already know the answer to this question. It will get better...

I do

Yeah. I can understand giving people second chances - with some things. Giving me a 'shut up' ring (no offense - but if he wasn't down on setting a date for no good reason, that's what it is, in my mind) is erplexed enough, but to turn around a cheat on me? Sorry, son. You'll be aiight.

Thanks hun. And yeah, the first time I heard about a "shut up" ring was here today - now I see that's all it ever was. He's all kinds of wrong.

If you let him stay, he will never appreciate what he had with you. If you can handle it financially, then let him bounce.

The condo is in your name, right? If so, then there should be no question about him moving.

Yup. Darn it. Why does this have to be so hard

I will not tell you what to do because you need to decide what you can tolerate in your family life. I will share what my favorite aunt told me about a cheating situation: "Get the other woman's address and send her flowers because she showed you the kind of many you almost married."

I'm sure that you know this but men will buy a "shut her up" ring and never set a date. It happens all the time. I know a few women who had engagement rings after years of dating with no date set and they never married the guy who gave them the ring.

That is the TRUTH right there.

I've never been cheated on but I believe trust is a major part of a relationship and cheating breaks that trust. Maybe talking to someone can help you get over it or choose to leave the relationship without regrets. Try couples therapy. After what he's done he should be willing to go. After a few sessions you can reassess the situation.

Hugs, and good luck to you. I'm sure this is a really hard situation.

Thank you so much.

Thanks ladies. You really helped me a lot.

 

[*5+5]

Eclass,

Do you own an Eclass, along with those two properties? If so, you're doing well at 28.

I'll say he would have to go sooooooooooo hard to get back in my good graces. He would really have to work for it; I'm talking fight a lion, swim thru fire and at the minimum purchase me a new ring before I would consider giving him a 2nd chance.

Seriously, just chill as if it's over and if he can convince you that he is worthy and ready for a 2nd chance without any doubt in your mind that this time around he's not going to be draggin' feet to the alter or cheating, than slowly ease your way back into it. Only if you're sure

 

[sunshinelady]

Now, what will happen from here is that you will try your best to look for the good in him. and, you will try to look for all the things you did wrong to cause the situation. DON'T! Stop those thoughts in their tracks.

Invite a friend over to sit there while you tell him that he needs to leave. Otherwise, those puppy dog eyes will get you back.

 

[MrsHdrLe]

You'rea beautiful, smart, secure woman with a lot to offer. I won't tell you what to do, but this one's for you

 

[Eclass215]

Eclass,

Do you own an Eclass, along with those two properties? If so, you're doing well at 28.

I'll say he would have to go sooooooooooo hard to get back in my good graces. He would really have to work for it; I'm talking fight a lion, swim thru fire and at the minimum purchase me a new ring before I would consider giving him a 2nd chance.

Seriously, just chill as if it's over and if he can convince you that he is worthy and ready for a 2nd chance without any doubt in your mind that this time around he's not going to be draggin' feet to the alter or cheating, than slowly ease your way back into it. Only if you're sure

Thank you for making me laugh!! Still waiting on my Eclass though, lol.

But yeah, I don't know if I'm sure anymore....so that's what's holding me back from even considering making him go through Eclass Bootcamp to get back in my good graces.

 

[glam-]

Aww, EClass, my heart goes out to you. I think you've received some great advice here and it sounds like your heart is open to that. Like the other poster said, you get to decide- not him. All I can offer is

Rest assured, you are still young and you obviously have your life together. It will be alright.

 

[Eclass215]

Now, what will happen from here is that you will try your best to look for the good in him. and, you will try to look for all the things you did wrong to cause the situation. DON'T! Stop those thoughts in their tracks.

Invite a friend over to sit there while you tell him that he needs to leave. Otherwise, those puppy dog eyes will get you back.

I can't say I haven't done the first part - and even a lil bit of the second part , but that didn't last too long. This whole situation os just SO frustrating!!!!

 

[Eclass215]

Thank you!!!!

 

[Maynard]

Nah, bruh. You've already taken up five years of my life.

This right here.

I think you have your out. When people tell you who they are LISTEN.

 

[Eclass215]

Thank you glam! I feel much better now after all this wonderful advice. I wish I could have it sitting in front of me tonight when I go home to confront him.

 

[blackmaven]

Sounds like you still want to be with him but that cheating is is heavy on your mind. You need space to cry,scream,relax and cry again. You will be alright no matter what you decide.

 

[Aveena]

Have you forgiven him for cheating?

 

[Eclass215]

I know. I'm trying not to be hard headed about it - but it's hard when you make plans to spend your LIFE with someone- and he just ***'d it all up. I'm pissed.

 

[Eclass215]

Have you forgiven him for cheating?

Ummmm......I think so.....but I'm not really sure. Like - I want to, but I'm just afraid he's going to do it again, so have I really? I don't even know.

 

[Shoediva]

As said before, you know what you have to do. Your decision is made, just hard to come to terms with it emotionally. Thats the ugly part of giving our heart and trust to someone. Just know that your heartbreak will not be in vain. This will just better prepare you for when the right mate for YOU comes along.

Pop that Beyonce CD in and put Irreplaceable on repeat..."Everything he owns in a box to the left"

 

[Eclass215]

Sounds like you still want to be with him but that cheating is is heavy on your mind. You need space to cry,scream,relax and cry again. You will be alright no matter what you decide.

Thanks. Yeah that's why I wanted him to leave. Just leave me alone for awhile, then let me decide.

 

[Aveena]

There is no right or wrong answer (about forgiveness) it's about your inner peace.

 

[blackmaven]

Thanks. Yeah that's why I wanted him to leave. Just leave me alone for awhile, then let me decide.

Are you going to put his clothing in black garbage bag or let him pack suitcase? Let him know you are serious!!!