Sexless marriage

syze6 said:
She says she sits with him and have talks and ask him what is wrong. She has asked if her wants to be married? Is he happy? Is she not sexing him as he like, if so tell her what he wants. He will bring up issues with him not feeling he gets support from her.

She says, when he is right she supports him, but can't support him when he is clearly being inconsiderate, petty and provoking about things. I was telling her about our talk about narcissism and how he could be using sex as a mean to punish her, since he knows she feels rejected. He probably feels vindicated to hear her come to him, as payback for her not supporting him. He just wants to feel like she is on his side, no matter if he is dead wrong. This is even when it comes to the children and she finds it hard to encourage his irrational behavior. I told her to read up on the personality. He could very well deny himself the pleasure just to make her feel less then. IDK
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He sounds like a real trip!

I feel like asking what his relationship with his mother is/was? Does he have a history of being rejected?

They need therapy...
 
syze6 said:
She says she sits with him and have talks and ask him what is wrong. She has asked if her wants to be married? Is he happy? Is she not sexing him as he like, if so tell her what he wants. He will bring up issues with him not feeling he gets support from her.

She says, when he is right she supports him, but can't support him when he is clearly being inconsiderate, petty and provoking about things. I was telling her about our talk about narcissism and how he could be using sex as a mean to punish her, since he knows she feels rejected. He probably feels vindicated to hear her come to him, as payback for her not supporting him. He just wants to feel like she is on his side, no matter if he is dead wrong. This is even when it comes to the children and she finds it hard to encourage his irrational behavior. I told her to read up on the personality. He could very well deny himself the pleasure just to make her feel less then. IDK
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Mmmmmmm.......:perplexed

WOW....:ohwell: This is a red flag to me. Has he expressed these concerns to her before all of the lack of sex?? Or, did he just stop cold turkey?? Because if it's the latter then I would be very concerned if I were her. I need my husband to be able to communicate verbally with me if there is something that I'm doing to turn him off. :ohwell: Deliberately denying sex just because he's upset and doesn't want to verbally express his feelings is kind of hurtful and cruel imo. I'm hoping this isn't the case.

Then again, maybe he really does feel emasculated when she isn't supportive and that translates into him not feeling like she trusts him, and so therefore he feels less of a man. THAT (emasculation) could definitely cause a man not to be able to get it up.... :look:

I'm really hoping that it's more so the fact that he feels emasculated and not that he's just deliberately denying her sex because he's not getting his way. The latter just sounds so passive to me.... :perplexed

At least it seems as though they are now talking about their issues/problems, so that's a good start. :yep:
 
The porn, the weak excuses are red herrings for manipulative behavior. I find it hard to believe that this just escalated out of nowhere if they truly had more regular coloring in the past. All you can do is be a listening ear for her and keep an eye out if it escalates but there is something missing from this story.

Wouldn't be me though. I'd be right at the church asking for a refund. Did not get married to be abstinent or disrespected as he watches porn and ignores my needs. No siree Bob, not happening.:nono::nono:
 
syze6 said:
She says she sits with him and have talks and ask him what is wrong. She has asked if her wants to be married? Is he happy? Is she not sexing him as he like, if so tell her what he wants. He will bring up issues with him not feeling he gets support from her. She says, when he is right she supports him, but can't support him when he is clearly being inconsiderate, petty and provoking about things. I was telling her about our talk about narcissism and how he could be using sex as a mean to punish her, since he knows she feels rejected. He probably feels vindicated to hear her come to him, as payback for her not supporting him. He just wants to feel like she is on his side, no matter if he is dead wrong. This is even when it comes to the children and she finds it hard to encourage his irrational behavior. I told her to read up on the personality. He could very well deny himself the pleasure just to make her feel less then. IDK
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How the heck do you know so much about their relationship? Your answering all "Johnny on the spot" as if it were you or you know the man...
 
People do it though. A friend told me he and his wife have had sex a total of 9x since they got married. They got married in 2008. He's not leaving her.
 
syze6 said:
he said she never takes his side.
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There's the problem right there. I wouldn't sleep with someone who clearly isn't on my side either. Who says that her way is always the right way? I think she's emasculating him and this is how he's responding to it.
 
Seeking8Rights said:
How the heck do you know so much about their relationship? Your answering all "Johnny on the spot" as if it were you or you know the man...
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I don't think that matters. Even if she's pretending that it's not her, the advice ain't gonna be any different.

Op, it sounds like he is disinterested.

He is probably cheating and doesn't feel like leaving your friend. If your friend is the type that will hang on to him, I would not be surprised if he expressed dissatisfaction and she is choosing denial. So instead of just bouncing, he's laying up with somebody else. Both of them are too lazy/scared to initiate a break up.

I also suspect that your friend is leaving out pertinent details.


I've seen this before :nono:
 
Seeking8Rights said:
How the heck do you know so much about their relationship? Your answering all "Johnny on the spot" as if it were you or you know the man...
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This is not about me at all. What I have found is that many of these forums help others who are not members. It gives different perspectives that help and encourage others. I have been able to share some great information with others in my circle as a result of consulting with the ladies of this forum. So many times when people pose problems or situations, it really is to help others.
 
FlowerHair said:
This might be one of the roots of the problem!! Not saying that she should cheat on him, but please buy her a copy of "Why men love bit..es". He may feel too safe with her. She should shake him up a little to get through to him.
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i read this book and enjoyed.
my friend had bought it (she is too good to men all the time and always ends up in a bad relationship). she tells me tht her boy friends know that she is deep into them and when they know that... then don really care anymore
 
So my friend is leaving the marriage. She said she has thrown in the towel because she is tired of trying. She has has talks with him, asked if he is unhappy and wants to end the marriage to which he always says that is not what he wants. They continued on the same sexless path. She said she could count on one hand literally how many times they had sex last year to which SHE initiated. She says she has grown tired of the hot and cold and tantrums he seems to throw when he can't get his way with stuff he is clearly wrong about. She caught him servicing himself one night and it was a blow to her because he doesn't even try to have sex with her. He constantly says things to evoke negative reactions in her, that she ignores and he claims she doesn't care about him. She said he will literally say something the he knows will bother her and she could never understand...why? Yet when they get around others he acts like he is so in-love with her. Then they go home and behind closed doors are like two distant roommates.

I have been a listening ear, but I told her she has to do what is right for her and if she feels she tried than it's her call. She even suggested counseling together but he didn't want to do couples therapy. I told her you never know what this new year will bring for her.
 
syze6 said:
The one is feeling unattractive and down on herself. There is not medication involved on either part. It's hard to imagine a man who lives with a woman, sleeping in the bed not being bothered by their lack of coloring activities. Not only that but not even trying to initiate contact. He gets in bed and pretty much sleeps on his side of the bed. There isn't so much as a booty rub, or snuggling from the back.

I don't understand a man that a wife approaches after the kids are asleep, not wanting to color. Even when the wife shows interest in coloring, he gives an excuse about just finished eating or something silly. This is after going weeks at a time without connecting. It seems with that much of a stretch a man would be more than happy to connect.
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@syze6 How old are they? A male's sex drive diminishes after 45ish...unless he get the blue pill.
 
I never wanted to comment on my feelings but I always thought they were a young couple to be sexless and when she would talk about how whenever they finally did have an encounter. He always wanted to just lay there and be submissive and not really participate. She said he told her at one time he liked to feel as if sex is taken from him. So he would pretend to be asleep at times and just subdued. Now, I was thinking that was kinda of crazy for a man but she said it made her feel as if she was in the act by herself and alone and not enjoyable to her at all. That raised some kind of red flag to me but I stayed mum. I wondered if he had ever been assaulted in some way, I understand wanted to feel wanted but to just lay there and not touch, feel, grab...nothing? Just odd to me so I can't imagine what that had to feel like.
 
syze6 said:
I never wanted to comment on my feelings but I always thought they were a young couple to be sexless and when she would talk about how whenever they finally did have an encounter. He always wanted to just lay there and be submissive and not really participate. She said he told her at one time he liked to feel as if sex is taken from him. So he would pretend to be asleep at times and just subdued. Now, I was thinking that was kinda of crazy for a man but she said it made her feel as if she was in the act by herself and alone and not enjoyable to her at all. That raised some kind of red flag to me but I stayed mum. I wondered if he had ever been assaulted in some way, I understand wanted to feel wanted but to just lay there and not touch, feel, grab...nothing? Just odd to me so I can't imagine what that had to feel like.
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he clearly has some issues he needs to address
 
syze6 said:
I never wanted to comment on my feelings but I always thought they were a young couple to be sexless and when she would talk about how whenever they finally did have an encounter. He always wanted to just lay there and be submissive and not really participate. She said he told her at one time he liked to feel as if sex is taken from him. So he would pretend to be asleep at times and just subdued. Now, I was thinking that was kinda of crazy for a man but she said it made her feel as if she was in the act by herself and alone and not enjoyable to her at all. That raised some kind of red flag to me but I stayed mum. I wondered if he had ever been assaulted in some way, I understand wanted to feel wanted but to just lay there and not touch, feel, grab...nothing? Just odd to me so I can't imagine what that had to feel like.
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Well, I've never...:nono:
Now we know why he didn't want to have sex with his wife. He's into some freaky stuff that he was too afraid to ask her to do. I'm sure he has that type of sex - with someone else!

I wish her the best and I hope she finds a better man for her.
 
syze6 said:
So my friend is leaving the marriage. She said she has thrown in the towel because she is tired of trying. She has has talks with him, asked if he is unhappy and wants to end the marriage to which he always says that is not what he wants. They continued on the same sexless path. She said she could count on one hand literally how many times they had sex last year to which SHE initiated. She says she has grown tired of the hot and cold and tantrums he seems to throw when he can't get his way with stuff he is clearly wrong about. She caught him servicing himself one night and it was a blow to her because he doesn't even try to have sex with her. He constantly says things to evoke negative reactions in her, that she ignores and he claims she doesn't care about him. She said he will literally say something the he knows will bother her and she could never understand...why? Yet when they get around others he acts like he is so in-love with her. Then they go home and behind closed doors are like two distant roommates.

The highlighted would PISS ME OFF SOOOOOO MUCH
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Wow thanks for the update. The "like when the sex is taken from me" line was a red flag imo... I wish your friend the best
 
Glad she realized that it was her making that situation her sick reality. She had the power and options of changing it all along
 
MomofThreeBoys said:
I think the gay card is pulled entirely too often on this forum but this actually might be the case in this situation.
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I pondered really hard before I posted that comment. And I've seen a similar situation played out. The friend will never admit that her man is gay. They lived together for years, then all of a sudden he didn't want to have sex anymore. He used wanting to wait until marriage as an angle. He was very suspect. All of a sudden he had new male friends, and she was treated like a third wheel. She didn't leave him alone, but she moved out and started seeing other people.
 
I never considered him being gay but rather maybe being sexually abused at some point. I find it odd for a man to when he does have sex not wanting to take charge but be submissive. I know we women can be aggressive with sex and will play the seduce game but everytime...I don't see that. It seems that he obviously gets turned on in some way with feeling he is being taking advantage of. Or as another poster said he is in to some freakiness that he has experienced before. What is strange is that she said when she would try to discuss it, it didn't seem as though it was an issue to him their lack of sex. She confessed they only had sex 5 times last year and the year before about 7. She keeps a journal and writes everything down to which he seemed to get offended by. I asked if she has ever been with someone else during that time to which she said no, she took her vows serious. I'm finding it hard to believe he was NOT having sex with someone else. How do you go from having sex to not having it?

She says it's like a weight has been lifted. He blames her for everything wrong in his life. He wanted to go back to school and never attempted. Meanwhile she graduated with her Doctorate, she has a healthy family base where he doesn't. He has all these so called friends but when he needs something they are not around, whereas she has me and another girlfriend and we are ride or die for each other. She says he would rather paint doom stories of his childhood than anything positive and he is always the victim in everything. He is a motherless man, who to me sounds like he wanted a mother in her instead of a partner.He thinks the world owes him something for his loss and he gets to act however he wants due to his pain. So I'm glad to see she has come to terms with it and looking forward to the future. Sexless at 40...please! I know couples who will fight like cats and dogs and still have sex with each other. I think he was holding resentment toward her for some reason because what women has to keep talking to a man about the lack of sex and intimacy. as she was.
 
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