Serious Question for the single ladies

[Ladybelle]

Hi, I was hoping you would be willing to answer a question for me:

If someone could give you all the answers about how to get married/obtain a husband- what would you want them to say, answer or reveal?

To the married ladies who came in here (nosy! j/k) , what about you? Is there something you wish you knew prior to marriage that would have made getting and/or being married easier or anything you would like to know about staying/being happily married?


All of your input is appreciated. Thanks!

 

[Bunny77]

I think that what Zaynab has frequently said is what I wish I had known for most of my single life... if you want to be married, date men who are looking to get married. Period.

Talk about it early on and find out where they stand. Don't waste time just going with the flow and then wondering after a period of time, "Where is this going?"

Also, we absolutely have control over our relationship lives. Date with a purpose if you want to be married and you won't have to go through as much **** constantly dating the wrong men.

 

[tiara76]

For myself all the answers come from my heart..which is why Im not married now and up until a few months ago didn't even know for sure if going that route was something i wanted to do based on what I observed and was told from other people, so listening to other folks about what its about is out the window and tuning into my heart to figure out what it is to me is the route I have taken

To have faith in love is to have faith in yourself and love yourself and know that true love is in the way you feel and connect to somebody....it doesn't matter what things look like on the outside or act how people act on the outside its what you feel on the inside that matters and trusting that what you feel if its really love will bring to you the mate who will share it with you.....

Love yourself where you are right now, for who you are right now and decide that you want a mate to love along with you to share with, grow with, create with and experience with and trust that he will come then be ready to expect the unexpected because love has infinite ways of surprising you and unfolding in ways you may have never expected it to and let your heart lead you....

 

[caltron]

Soon-to-be- Married woman here. I'm 34 and the biggest mistake I made during my single days was wasting too much time on men who were not worth it. I was so "in love" with these guys, I was patient and work on issue after issue with these losers hoping beyond hope that someday everything would be right. I completely wasted many years that I should have been carefree and happy.

The thing I wish I had known back then is that if things are not "right" in the beginning, then they're never going to be right. Don't waste your time dreaming about what a man could be in the future, and look at what he is RIGHT NOW because that is who he will always be. I believe that a good man will be too embarrassed to step to a woman unless he has already handled his business.

Once I took on this mindset, everything seemed to be smooth sailing. Back when I was dating losers, I never dreamed any relationship would be so smooth. I always figured that relationships were nothing but pain and work and a few fleeting minutes of joy every once in a while. All relationships have their ups and downs, but there should be much more joy than pain.

Another thing I wish I would have done is to step back and ask myself "is this the relationship I've been dreaming about my life?" Sometimes you get sucked into bad relationships and you just learn to accept and you stop seeking that perfect relationship that is out there for you if you would just be willing to let go of the bad one. It was only after I had the courage to dump my ex that I realized how unhappy I had been in the relationship.

 

[tiara76]

Soon-to-be- Married woman here. I'm 34 and the biggest mistake I made during my single days was wasting too much time on men who were not worth it. I was so "in love" with these guys, I was patient and work on issue after issue with these losers hoping beyond hope that someday everything would be right. I completely wasted many years that I should have been carefree and happy.

The thing I wish I had known back then is that if things are not "right" in the beginning, then they're never going to be right. Don't waste your time dreaming about what a man could be in the future, and look at what he is RIGHT NOW because that is who he will always be. I believe that a good man will be too embarrassed to step to a woman unless he has already handled his business.

Once I took on this mindset, everything seemed to be smooth sailing. Back when I was dating losers, I never dreamed any relationship would be so smooth. I always figured that relationships were nothing but pain and work and a few fleeting minutes of joy every once in a while. All relationships have their ups and downs, but there should be much more joy than pain.

Another thing I wish I would have done is to step back and ask myself "is this the relationship I've been dreaming about my life?" Sometimes you get sucked into bad relationships and you just learn to accept and you stop seeking that perfect relationship that is out there for you if you would just be willing to let go of the bad one. It was only after I had the courage to dump my ex that I realized how unhappy I had been in the relationship.

congrats on your upcoming wedding!!

no time has ever been wasted....everything u went thru was to prepare u to get to a place of what love is supposed to be....and if u werent there before going thru what it wasn't is what made u able to discern what it is and decide that that is what you really wanted....the beliefs you had about relationships had to be changed and experiencing is the only way to come about it if you didn't know beforehand that all it takes is knowing what love is...if u don't know that experiencing what you dont want and what doesn't make you feel good or is love is what will make you realize it and step into it

you may think it was time wasted working on "his" issues..i guarantee you it was time well spent getting yourself together

 

[caltron]

I think that what Zaynab has frequently said is what I wish I had known for most of my single life... if you want to be married, date men who are looking to get married. Period.

Talk about it early on and find out where they stand. Don't waste time just going with the flow and then wondering after a period of time, "Where is this going?"

Also, we absolutely have control over our relationship lives. Date with a purpose if you want to be married and you won't have to go through as much **** constantly dating the wrong men.

This is a great point. Men are very transparent about their intentions. If a man is looking to get married, you will know it right away like in a month. Before I met my dh, I briefly dated at least 2 guys that I know were sizing me up as wife material.

There's a lot of men who are just out to play and if they're in that mindset it's better to just let them go no matter how much chemistry you have with them--if you're looking to be married that is.

 

[Bunny77]

Caltron, congratulations!

 

[Ladybelle]

bunny77
Date with a purpose if you want to be married and you won't have to go through as much **** constantly dating the wrong men

ITA... this is so true in theory, but so hard for some women to apply cuz "i love him". How does one break past that mindset?

tiara76
Love yourself where you are right now, for who you are right now and decide that you want a mate to love along with you

I think the ability to be happily married is certainy affected by one's ability to love themselves. Are you happy with you? Do you really love you? These are questions worth pondering before considering "i do". I'm glad you're figuring it out for you- not anybody else.

caltron
The thing I wish I had known back then is that if things are not "right" in the beginning, then they're never going to be right. Don't waste your time dreaming about what a man could be in the future, and look at what he is RIGHT NOW because that is who he will always be.

congratulations! I've heard men say the very thing you said in the bolded.

 

[Bunny77]

ITA... this is so true in theory, but so hard for some women to apply cuz "i love him". How does one break past that mindset?

For me, it involves having a certain standard for what I'm looking for in a man and if I see early on that he doesn't meet it, then I move on FAST so that I don't get into the "I love him," mindset.

Recent case in point... I met a cuuuuuuute lawyer who had everything I'd want on paper and was a nice guy. But he's recently divorced with two kids. Now, I want to be married sooner rather than later. This man, nice as he is, is NOT in an emotional place to be remarried any time soon. This doesn't make him a bad guy, but just a guy NOT for me.

In the past, I might have still tried to date him just because I had nothing better to do and he was nice and fun and all that. And I probably would have caught feelings and then I'd be in trouble.

This time, I just mentally put him on my "NOPE" list to prevent the "I love him," thing from even happening.

So, I think you need to make the right choices in the very beginning BEFORE you fall into something that won't get you to the desired result.

 

[Ladybelle]

For me, it involves having a certain standard for what I'm looking for in a man and if I see early on that he doesn't meet it, then I move on FAST so that I don't get into the "I love him," mindset.

Recent case in point... I met a cuuuuuuute lawyer who had everything I'd want on paper and was a nice guy. But he's recently divorced with two kids. Now, I want to be married sooner rather than later. This man, nice as he is, is NOT in an emotional place to be remarried any time soon. This doesn't make him a bad guy, but just a guy NOT for me.

In the past, I might have still tried to date him just because I had nothing better to do and he was nice and fun and all that. And I probably would have caught feelings and then I'd be in trouble.

This time, I just mentally put him on my "NOPE" list to prevent the "I love him," thing from even happening.

So, I think you need to make the right choices in the very beginning BEFORE you fall into something that won't get you to the desired result.

That makes a whole lotta sense. Don't catch emotions/feelings for a man who is not ready to be caught or isn't a good catch. ITA!! I'm glad you got to this place, sometimes it's best to take emotions out of the mix and be level-headed/practical when it comes to this stuff.


Waiting for more responses...

 

[tiara76]

I do agree about not hoping for a man to be who he is not, however its not about that they will never "change"

it seems backwards but loving and accepting a man for who he is and where he is at instead of holding him to higher standards of where you think he should be "mysteriously" seems to make him want to become a better person all on his own

the one thing everybody wants to be is accepted for who they are and yet we don't do it for ourselves and we don't do it for anybody else.....and are always thinking we need to be better and so does everybody else....when we accept we are perfect right where we are we become better automatically and so do others...its like a butterfly effect

Let me do add that letting go of a desired outcome or how you think one should be is the best thing to do....you can accept somebody for who they are and let go of them.....you'd be surprised how many people come back when they are allowed to be who they are and not pressured into being something else
whether you are still around or not is another story, but in the long run everybody is moving to better places with themselves

 

[Ladybelle]

I do agree about not hoping for a man to be who he is not, however its not about that they will never "change"

it seems backwards but loving and accepting a man for who he is and where he is at instead of holding him to higher standards of where you think he should be "mysteriously" seems to make him want to become a better person all on his own

the one thing everybody wants to be is accepted for who they are and yet we don't do it for ourselves and we don't do it for anybody else.....and are always thinking we need to be better and so does everybody else....when we accept we are perfect right where we are we become better automatically and so do others...its like a butterfly effect

Let me do add that letting go of a desired outcome or how you think one should be is the best thing to do....you can accept somebody for who they are and let go of them.....you'd be surprised how many people come back when they are allowed to be who they are and not pressured into being something else
whether you are still around or not is another story, but in the long run everybody is moving to better places with themselves

letting go of the desired outcome - (marriage in this instance), is what I think some women have issues with. We stay with men for years hoping he will change, we somewhat accept him for what he is-- hence our ability to stay with him so long, but our heart is hoping he will become what we want him to be with changes ultimately leading to marriage, mistake! More times than not, that does not happen.

 

[Bunny77]

That makes a whole lotta sense. Don't catch emotions/feelings for a man who is not ready to be caught or isn't a good catch. ITA!! I'm glad you got to this place, sometimes it's best to take emotions out of the mix and be level-headed/practical when it comes to this stuff.


Waiting for more responses...

Yep!

The funny thing is, I felt absolutely NO hesitation in throwing that fish back in the water. In the past, I might have questioned myself or wondered if I was being too hasty. Not this time.

It's a very freeing feeling to be level-headed and practical, honestly. Plus, when the right one comes along, that's when you'll have plenty of time to let yourself fall in love and be as emotional as you want to be!

 

[tiara76]

letting go of the desired outcome - (marriage in this instance), is what I think some women have issues with. We stay with men for years hoping he will change, we somewhat accept him for what he is-- hence our ability to stay with him so long, but our heart is hoping he will become what we want him to be with changes ultimately leading to marriage, mistake! More times than not, that does not happen.

If marriage is what you want then definitely don't let go of marriage...let go of it having to be a specific person, let go of it having to happen the way you think its supposed to happen, don't base love on what things are supposed to be like....and the ability to stay with somebody isn't accepting them if all we focus on is not who he is but who we want him to be or how we want him to love us...and thats what it usually is....we attach to people so strongly because we want them to act a certain way, treat us a certain way, be a certain way and love us a certain way.....all those certain ways that we are "expecting" other people to be is what we need to be to ourselves...once we can do that we can let go of needing them to be it and still love them and detach from them...when we let go of needing them to be or do anything except what they feel like doing they tend to start treating us the same way we treat ourselves

 

[Ladybelle]

If marriage is what you want then definitely don't let go of marriage...let go of it having to be a specific person, let go of it having to happen the way you think its supposed to happen, don't base love on what things are supposed to be like....and the ability to stay with somebody isn't accepting them if all we focus on is not who he is but who we want him to be or how we want him to love us...and thats what it usually is....we attach to people so strongly because we want them to act a certain way, treat us a certain way, be a certain way and love us a certain way.....all those certain ways that we are "expecting" other people to be is what we need to be to ourselves...once we can do that we can let go of needing them to be it and still love them and detach from them...when we let go of needing them to be or do anything except what they feel like doing they tend to start treating us the same way we treat ourselves

that's so true. I'm married & I'm working on doing that still.

 

[Kiadodie]

If marriage is what you want then definitely don't let go of marriage...let go of it having to be a specific person, let go of it having to happen the way you think its supposed to happen, don't base love on what things are supposed to be like....and the ability to stay with somebody isn't accepting them if all we focus on is not who he is but who we want him to be or how we want him to love us...and thats what it usually is....we attach to people so strongly because we want them to act a certain way, treat us a certain way, be a certain way and love us a certain way.....all those certain ways that we are "expecting" other people to be is what we need to be to ourselves...once we can do that we can let go of needing them to be it and still love them and detach from them...when we let go of needing them to be or do anything except what they feel like doing they tend to start treating us the same way we treat ourselves[/quote]

The bolded is so true. I was and still am looking for "validation" thru certain men, usually the emotionally unavailable type. I am still working on validating and loving myself so I can STOP looking for it in others. This is so true and important. Thanks for stating this.

 

[Serenity_Peace]

Soon-to-be- Married woman here. I'm 34 and the biggest mistake I made during my single days was wasting too much time on men who were not worth it. I was so "in love" with these guys, I was patient and work on issue after issue with these losers hoping beyond hope that someday everything would be right. I completely wasted many years that I should have been carefree and happy.

The thing I wish I had known back then is that if things are not "right" in the beginning, then they're never going to be right. Don't waste your time dreaming about what a man could be in the future, and look at what he is RIGHT NOW because that is who he will always be. I believe that a good man will be too embarrassed to step to a woman unless he has already handled his business.

Once I took on this mindset, everything seemed to be smooth sailing. Back when I was dating losers, I never dreamed any relationship would be so smooth. I always figured that relationships were nothing but pain and work and a few fleeting minutes of joy every once in a while. All relationships have their ups and downs, but there should be much more joy than pain.

Another thing I wish I would have done is to step back and ask myself "is this the relationship I've been dreaming about my life?" Sometimes you get sucked into bad relationships and you just learn to accept and you stop seeking that perfect relationship that is out there for you if you would just be willing to let go of the bad one. It was only after I had the courage to dump my ex that I realized how unhappy I had been in the relationship.

You ain't sad nothing but the truth here. I'm trying to find the strength to follow this always, keeping in mind that if it wasn't feeling right in the beginning, then it's never going to be right! And if it's not the relationship that I've envisioned for myself, then it's not worth pursuing. Wasting time is something that I'm great at; it's all about changing the mindset.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!

 

[JinaRicci]

Hi, I was hoping you would be willing to answer a question for me:

If someone could give you all the answers about how to get married/obtain a husband- what would you want them to say, answer or reveal?

To the married ladies who came in here (nosy! j/k) , what about you? Is there something you wish you knew prior to marriage that would have made getting and/or being married easier or anything you would like to know about staying/being happily married?


All of your input is appreciated. Thanks!

Personally I think it's easy to get married/obtain a husband- there's no shortage of men who want to get married. It's more about us making the choice & finding what we want/need- a good husband.

So I would want the person to talk about how to discover his heart. What should I be looking for early on so I don't waste my time or energy getting further involved? And to me it's not about the standard- how does he treat his mom/friends/sisters... cause men can fake that- are faking that...

I want to know the really really- what should I look for?

 

[Ladybelle]

Personally I think it's easy to get married/obtain a husband- there's no shortage of men who want to get married. It's more about us making the choice & finding what we want/need- a good husband.

So I would want the person to talk about how to discover his heart. What should I be looking for early on so I don't waste my time or energy getting further involved? And to me it's not about the standard- how does he treat his mom/friends/sisters... cause men can fake that- are faking that...

I want to know the really really- what should I look for?

what qualities you should look for in a man, is that what you're asking?

 

[JinaRicci]

^^ No- I mean how to determine what's really in his heart- despite what he may say or do. Early on- way early.

 

[tiara76]

^^ No- I mean how to determine what's really in his heart- despite what he may say or do. Early on- way early.

good answer..people are really good at hiding their hearts and playing the role....

 

[Ladybelle]

^^ No- I mean how to determine what's really in his heart- despite what he may say or do. Early on- way early.

very good question, and I'd have to really think about the answer.

 

[preciouzone]

^^ No- I mean how to determine what's really in his heart- despite what he may say or do. Early on- way early.

I personally think that you will know a man ( or anyone for that matter ) by their fruit. Are their words and actions aligned? Do they do what they say they are going to do? And for those of them that like to fake it... time will definitely bring out their true nature.

 

[preciouzone]

I recently broke off a friendship with a close friend of mine because
I really thought that he was the one for me and so I stuck around.

There was a thread going on about the 5 Love Languages and mine
is Words of Affirmation and his is Quality Time. So we would hang out
and I would receive WOA from him and he would receive QT from me.
After realizing what was going on, I had to be true to myself and to him
by letting him go. He was not emotionally available at all, and although
he was marriage minded... he wasn't even wanting/ready to even be in
a relationship anytime soon.

I don't count this as time wasted at all. This situation just taught me a lot
about myself and about men in general... especially when a man knows what
or who he wants he takes action and goes after it. I heard someone say once
that when a man is REALLY into you and likes you there is no guess work. And
the reason why some women stay in relationships that aren't working ( and know
it's not working or going anywhere ) is because they haven't yet experienced how
easy it is to be with the right man.

 

[tarheelgurl]

If marriage is what you want then definitely don't let go of marriage...let go of it having to be a specific person, let go of it having to happen the way you think its supposed to happen, don't base love on what things are supposed to be like....and the ability to stay with somebody isn't accepting them if all we focus on is not who he is but who we want him to be or how we want him to love us...and thats what it usually is....we attach to people so strongly because we want them to act a certain way, treat us a certain way, be a certain way and love us a certain way.....all those certain ways that we are "expecting" other people to be is what we need to be to ourselves...once we can do that we can let go of needing them to be it and still love them and detach from them...when we let go of needing them to be or do anything except what they feel like doing they tend to start treating us the same way we treat ourselves

OMG, this was so well said. I really appreciate you saying this.

 

[FluffyRed]

If someone could give you all the answers about how to get married/obtain a husband- what would you want them to say, answer or reveal?

To the married ladies who came in here (nosy! j/k) , what about you? Is there something you wish you knew prior to marriage that would have made getting and/or being married easier or anything you would like to know about staying/being happily married?


All of your input is appreciated. Thanks!

I just recently realized my major relationship issue is internal.

What I was shown was marriage and kids = slave labor and totally losing yourself. I don't want that. Never have. I need to know how to work that out in my mind. I truly believe if I wanted to be married, it would happen.

I don't know how to be married and not automatically go into robot-mode. I was trained that way by my Martha Stewart-esque grandmother. Marriage is a job to me.

Maybe I can do a LTR and never get married. But I don't want a guy who did not want to marry me.

That's what I want answered.

 

[Renewed1]

Great thought provoking answers, ladies. keep them coming.

 

[chokolate miss]

I had to learn these lessons the hard way...as many of us do.

I recently started dating my ex because I thought he was a different person that the one I broke up with. (I know don't even say it, LOL! I usually never backtrack, butI thought that he had changed)

Well needless to say he did not change. I was complaining about the things that I wanted him to do for/with me and his response was, "I am the same person, what do you want from me?"

At that point, I knew that I was not going to get my needs met in the relationship and as much as it hurt...for the second time...I had to move on.

As cheesy as this sounds, I learned a lot from being on this forum...the old me would have stuck it out for a year or so, sad a moaning to my friends about how unhappy I was.

So I will say to answer the OP's question and I don't know if this has been said, but a lot of us already know the answer. We just don't follow what we know is right.

So you could still stamp The Idiot's Guide to Relationships 101 on my forehead and I would have still done some boneheaded things. We know what is right. We get that feeling that in the end we are going to get hurt, but we hold out for them to see that we "love" them so much and hope that they will appreaciate it enough to "love" us back.

Not gonna happen!!

I have to love myself more than I love any man, that I want to be in a relationship with. I have been coming into relationships in pieces...and it is still a work in progress. But no book or advice can teach that

...stepping off of soapbox!

 

[fuchsiastar]

This is soooo key. I'm finding there are good - on paper - and available men out there. The bolded is exactly what I would want to know also! Great question, JinaRicci!

So I would want the person to talk about how to discover his heart. What should I be looking for early on so I don't waste my time or energy getting further involved? And to me it's not about the standard- how does he treat his mom/friends/sisters... cause men can fake that- are faking that...

I want to know the really really- what should I look for?

 

[Ladybelle]

I had to learn these lessons the hard way...as many of us do.

I recently started dating my ex because I thought he was a different person that the one I broke up with. (I know don't even say it, LOL! I usually never backtrack, butI thought that he had changed)

Well needless to say he did not change. I was complaining about the things that I wanted him to do for/with me and his response was, "I am the same person, what do you want from me?"

At that point, I knew that I was not going to get my needs met in the relationship and as much as it hurt...for the second time...I had to move on.

As cheesy as this sounds, I learned a lot from being on this forum...the old me would have stuck it out for a year or so, sad a moaning to my friends about how unhappy I was.

So I will say to answer the OP's question and I don't know if this has been said, but a lot of us already know the answer. We just don't follow what we know is right.

So you could still stamp The Idiot's Guide to Relationships 101 on my forehead and I would have still done some boneheaded things. We know what is right. We get that feeling that in the end we are going to get hurt, but we hold out for them to see that we "love" them so much and hope that they will appreaciate it enough to "love" us back.

Not gonna happen!!

I have to love myself more than I love any man, that I want to be in a relationship with. I have been coming into relationships in pieces...and it is still a work in progress. But no book or advice can teach that

...stepping off of soapbox!

@ the first bolded- do you think this is true for all women? are some of us just denying the inner truth or do some of us really not know what we could?

@ the second bolded- I agree wholeheartedly. And if you love yourself -you make better choices for yourself. Some of us (me included) say, have said that we love ourselves but when you look back on the decisions you have made, the crap you have put up with, the hurt & heartache- did you or do you really? It seems we sometimes sacrifice loving ourselves in order to be supposedly loved by someone else, which is really not good for the home team: me,myself & I.