Serious Question for the single ladies

[Ladybelle]

This is soooo key. I'm finding there are good - on paper - and available men out there. The bolded is exactly what I would want to know also! Great question, JinaRicci!

the bolded question being:I want to know the really really- what should I look for?


I think this question is so broad- it's hard to say exactly what you should look for because what I might find attractive & great qualities in a guy may be a complete turn off for another woman. I do think there are some key things that should be universal.


Anybody care to elaborate on this question?

 

[tiara76]

@ the first bolded- do you think this is true for all women? are some of us just denying the inner truth or do some of us really not know what we could?

@ the second bolded- I agree wholeheartedly. And if you love yourself -you make better choices for yourself. Some of us (me included) say, have said that we love ourselves but when you look back on the decisions you have made, the crap you have put up with, the hurt & heartache- did you or do you really? It seems we sometimes sacrifice loving ourselves in order to be supposedly loved by someone else, which is really not good for the home team: me,myself & I.

THe good thing about all the experiences of heartache, hurting, sacrificing etc is that they all help you to become wholly loving of yourself and that is the blessing....

when we feel love within we create it without all around us and people will respond to it

 

[fuchsiastar]

THe good thing about all the experiences of heartache, hurting, sacrificing etc is that they all help you to become wholly loving of yourself and that is the blessing....

when we feel love within we create it without all around us and people will respond to it

This is exactly what I am working on right now, trying to cultivate love in everything that I do, every interaction, so that it just jumps off of me and out of me. I know that might sound hokey or out there, but I think that once I am able to do that, love will be in me so deep that I will be okay with anything I am faced with in terms of relationships. I will also attract the right mate to me, and the wrong partners will be put off by my energy. One of the things I am working on is smiling at everyone and opening my heart to actually "feel" kindness....towards the grocery store clerk, person across from me pumping gas, etc....I'm working on cultivating that feeling, if that makes sense. I'm also doing some journal work on getting to the core of my emotions, not just journaling about the activities/events of the day or how I felt about it, but really journaling about the core emotional work. Anyone have other tips on how to move forward in "feeling" love and "cultivating" love???

 

[tiara76]

This is exactly what I am working on right now, trying to cultivate love in everything that I do, every interaction, so that it just jumps off of me and out of me. I know that might sound hokey or out there, but I think that once I am able to do that, love will be in me so deep that I will be okay with anything I am faced with in terms of relationships. I will also attract the right mate to me, and the wrong partners will be put off by my energy. One of the things I am working on is smiling at everyone and opening my heart to actually "feel" kindness....towards the grocery store clerk, person across from me pumping gas, etc....I'm working on cultivating that feeling, if that makes sense. I'm also doing some journal work on getting to the core of my emotions, not just journaling about the activities/events of the day or how I felt about it, but really journaling about the core emotional work. Anyone have other tips on how to move forward in "feeling" love and "cultivating" love???

You are on the right track...cultivating love within comes from expressing love as much as you can...its easier to start expressing it to those you don't have an emotional attachment to....ie...people on the street, grocery store clerks etc....sending them smiles, good vibes, speaking and showing love...its a way to start getting used to expressing it, however make sure you are doing it to express it not to expect it back.....we can make a point to hold open doors and smile at people and if they don't say thank you or smile back we get upset...thats not the point of learning to love...the point is to be able to feel it and put it out into the world....when you can start showing love to the rude waitress or the uptight store clerk, the person who cut you off in traffic then you will know you are moving more into love and can start responding in ways that change the whole situation .... a lil love can lift even the person in the worst mood

always start with yourself...

write yourself a love letter and read it everyday
love everything about you the good the bad and the ugly make up the divine you....if you shun a part of yourself you shun your whole self, love it all
journaling is great to release and examine emotions
pamper yourself
celebrate who you are
listen to love songs
watch movies about love
what is it the most that you want other people to do for you...accept you, understand you, allow you to express yourself freely and honestly without judgment, be nice to you, etc....whatever it is...start by doing all of that for yourself first

 

[Kiadodie]

always start with yourself...

what is it the most that you want other people to do for you...accept you, understand you, allow you to express yourself freely and honestly without judgment, be nice to you, etc....whatever it is...start by doing all of that for yourself first

Yup, this is what I want and I look for it in others but I"m making an effort to be that for myself.

 

[JinaRicci]

the bolded question being:I want to know the really really- what should I look for?


I think this question is so broad- it's hard to say exactly what you should look for because what I might find attractive & great qualities in a guy may be a complete turn off for another woman. I do think there are some key things that should be universal.


Anybody care to elaborate on this question?

asuperwoman: thanks for replying. ITA- qualities will be different. But I'm not talking about what to look for in qualities. I'm talking about how to tell the real from the fake. There are a lot of men out there looking for a good catch- actively working to do so and they have strategies in place. We're looking & they're looking- so likely we will cross paths.

Like fuchsiastar said- they look good on paper-have all the 'right qualifications' i.e. whatever you are looking for. When you meet them- they also appear to be consistent. This is a player on another level. They can also showcase their good qualities with all the right things in place- the classic things we look for (i.e. how does he treat his mother...) but it takes time to reveal their true nature. Time with eyes wide open & no emotions involved.

I responded with this question b/c I wanted to know how are women approaching this issue as they are looking for a mate. This is the one thing I would want to know the most. Besides waiting (time could be long), are there any other things you are doing to know very early on-to find out the man's true character?

 

[Bunny77]

asuperwoman: thanks for replying. ITA- qualities will be different. But I'm not talking about what to look for in qualities. I'm talking about how to tell the real from the fake. There are a lot of men out there looking for a good catch- actively working to do so and they have strategies in place. We're looking & they're looking- so likely we will cross paths.

Like fuchsiastar said- they look good on paper-have all the 'right qualifications' i.e. whatever you are looking for. When you meet them- they also appear to be consistent. This is a player on another level. They can also showcase their good qualities with all the right things in place- the classic things we look for (i.e. how does he treat his mother...) but it takes time to reveal their true nature. Time with eyes wide open & no emotions involved.

I responded with this question b/c I wanted to know how are women approaching this issue as they are looking for a mate. This is the one thing I would want to know the most. Besides waiting (time could be long), are there any other things you are doing to know very early on-to find out the man's true character?

I know no method is foolproof, but I REALLY think that actions truly speak for themselves. Even the best playa in the world isn't going to spend a whole lot of time trying to convince a woman that he's the real deal when he's just a player.

Also, I think that men are always giving us signs. They're telling us things ALL. THE. TIME. without even realizing sometimes what they are saying.

We often are not listening, or we are disregarding these little yellow flags as "no big deal."

Then they turn into red flags. Then we're screwed.

As my dad said once, a man really tells you all you need to know about himself very early in the process. Men are not very good at hiding and being covert.

We just have to REALLY pay attention. I think we all can admit that when we look back on some of our failed relationships, there were early signs that something wasn't quite right, but we chose to ignore them.

 

[tiara76]

listen to your heart.....not your emotions your heart...your emotions can lead you all over the place..,,,

example....the man who goes all out his way for you makes you feel good emotionally on a deeper level your heart may be tellin u something else and he could be the worst thing for you....a man who is into you may be behaving in ways u think means he doesn't care about you so your emotions of hurt and rejection call the shots rather than what ur heart tells you

your heart knows the truth

 

[gabulldawg]

I know no method is foolproof, but I REALLY think that actions truly speak for themselves. Even the best playa in the world isn't going to spend a whole lot of time trying to convince a woman that he's the real deal when he's just a player.

Also, I think that men are always giving us signs. They're telling us things ALL. THE. TIME. without even realizing sometimes what they are saying.

We often are not listening, or we are disregarding these little yellow flags as "no big deal."

Then they turn into red flags. Then we're screwed.

As my dad said once, a man really tells you all you need to know about himself very early in the process. Men are not very good at hiding and being covert.

We just have to REALLY pay attention. I think we all can admit that when we look back on some of our failed relationships, there were early signs that something wasn't quite right, but we chose to ignore them.

I think a problem for myself and other women who may not have a lot of dating experience is knowing what those signs are. Looking back on my past relationship there really weren't any signs that I noticed early on that could have prepared me for how things turned out in the end. Maybe if I was schooled on the general warning signs, things could have gone differently, and learning now can hopefully prevent the same thing from happening in my next relationship(s)...

But i guess the problem is that all warning signs aren't the same? Are there some general warning signs that should be avoided, though?

 

[Bunny77]

I think a problem for myself and other women who may not have a lot of dating experience is knowing what those signs are. Looking back on my past relationship there really weren't any signs that I noticed early on that could have prepared me for how things turned out in the end. Maybe if I was schooled on the general warning signs, things could have gone differently, and learning now can hopefully prevent the same thing from happening in my next relationship(s)...

But i guess the problem is that all warning signs aren't the same? Are there some general warning signs that should be avoided, though?

This is a very good point. I know that in my past relationships, I simply didn't know either what signs to look for or not. This seems to be a big problem among folks who were not taught much about what to look for in a dating relationship besides general basics.

I guess the warning signs too depend on each person. A guy I'm dating might have a trait that's a big warning sign to someone else, but for me, it's fine. (Obviously, I'm not talking about negative behavior here).

Certain things like general lack of respect, courtesy, failure to keep one's word, etc., usually are bad signs across the board!

 

[aribell]

^^^Is it possible to look for positive signs instead of just outright negatives? I tend to think that a person's character is in the details. So I know that if he gives money to the person on the street that he's probably not going to be stingy with me. If he's punctual and keeps a clean house and car, etc. then he's probably also responsible with his money, and so on.

I don't think there are ever any guarantees about someone until you really get to know them, but people tend to have pretty consistent personalities and usually leave clues about things that haven't been revealed yet.

But if someone is actively hiding stuff, or putting on a show, then I guess only time will tell.

 

[chokolate miss]

@ the first bolded- do you think this is true for all women? are some of us just denying the inner truth or do some of us really not know what we could?

@ the second bolded- I agree wholeheartedly. And if you love yourself -you make better choices for yourself. Some of us (me included) say, have said that we love ourselves but when you look back on the decisions you have made, the crap you have put up with, the hurt & heartache- did you or do you really? It seems we sometimes sacrifice loving ourselves in order to be supposedly loved by someone else, which is really not good for the home team: me,myself & I.

Ok, maybe I should speak only for myself, LOL!

But I think many of us do know the answer. We talk to our girlfriends and whomever else and then get mad when they do no say what we want to hear. However, I should not overspeak, because there are other women who simply just have no idea how to relate to a man and what to look for in one.

I know in my case often times, I knew right from wrong. Yet, you know know the song...I don't wanna be right! That was me. Just so stubborn. I'm was one of those people who would try to force on a man what should come naturally. I needed to know that he wanted me, cared for me, and wanted to take care of me (in the Steve Harvey kind of way).

This was all because I was not secure with the person that I was and needed some type of reinforcement.

But I have a friend who is clueless about men. Prime example and I'll try to make it short. This guy who she was "dating" told her that he wanted to have sex with her, because it would make the two of them closer. He tells her that he does not like women with three-month rules and the like because these women are playing games...and on and on.

I tell her girl he's lame and just trying to get into your pants. Mind you they were not even in a relationship. But she got mad and cussed me out. We did not speak for two months. So you are right there are women who are simply cluessless, but this is not accidental-ignorance is bliss or pain for some. My friend will take attention from any man who is willing to give it to her. So, if that means refusal to believe some blatant truths she will.

And to the bolded, PREACH!!1

Sorry so long...

 

[aribell]

Hi, I was hoping you would be willing to answer a question for me:

If someone could give you all the answers about how to get married/obtain a husband- what would you want them to say, answer or reveal?

Sometimes I think it's so difficult to discern the truth about the whole dating thing. There are so many people throwing out this and that statistic, saying do this but not that. The woman is too curvy, not outgoing enough, etc. If you want a black man do things this way, but if it's a white man it works that way. And then there's always someone who has the story that's the exception to the rule.

I would love the actual truth of the matter, if such exists. Thus far I've found that following my own intuition and remaining true to my desires and values has been more useful than specific pieces of advice.

 

[Ladybelle]

Sometimes I think it's so difficult to discern the truth about the whole dating thing. There are so many people throwing out this and that statistic, saying do this but not that. The woman is too curvy, not outgoing enough, etc. If you want a black man do things this way, but if it's a white man it works that way. And then there's always someone who has the story that's the exception to the rule.

I would love the actual truth of the matter, if such exists. Thus far I've found that following my own intuition and remaining true to my desires and values has been more useful than specific pieces of advice.

ITA, and at the 2nd bolded- if you have the ability to be true to yourself and not be blinded by emotions (as some of us are) I think your method will always prove to be beneficial. The thing is, there is no formula for getting married - (not that i know about) if I could sum it up- it would be to LOVE you more than any man and when a man comes along who doesn't love you and treat you as well or better than you do, you won't be so afraid to let him keep it moving. To some extent- i think we attract what we are even though it may not appear to be so on the surface.

example: an insecure/needy woman with a possessive/controlling man- he fulfills her need to feel "secure/needed" by being a control freak and she feels comforted by that b/c she's convinced herself he loves her because he gives her a sense of false security.

 

[Ladybelle]

Ok, maybe I should speak only for myself, LOL!

But I think many of us do know the answer. We talk to our girlfriends and whomever else and then get mad when they do no say what we want to hear. However, I should not overspeak, because there are other women who simply just have no idea how to relate to a man and what to look for in one.

I know in my case often times, I knew right from wrong. Yet, you know know the song...I don't wanna be right! That was me. Just so stubborn. I'm was one of those people who would try to force on a man what should come naturally. I needed to know that he wanted me, cared for me, and wanted to take care of me (in the Steve Harvey kind of way).

This was all because I was not secure with the person that I was and needed some type of reinforcement.

But I have a friend who is clueless about men. Prime example and I'll try to make it short. This guy who she was "dating" told her that he wanted to have sex with her, because it would make the two of them closer. He tells her that he does not like women with three-month rules and the like because these women are playing games...and on and on.

I tell her girl he's lame and just trying to get into your pants. Mind you they were not even in a relationship. But she got mad and cussed me out. We did not speak for two months. So you are right there are women who are simply cluessless, but this is not accidental-ignorance is bliss or pain for some. My friend will take attention from any man who is willing to give it to her. So, if that means refusal to believe some blatant truths she will.

And to the bolded, PREACH!!1

Sorry so long...

I hear you and I agree .Most of us have an innate sensor to pick up on b.s but we sometimes turn those sensors off or ignore them for various reasons. The few of us who just don't know any better are few and far between. I mean, you couldn't have really thought this man with four baby mama's and no history of a successful relationship would be any different for you. But, somehow you convinced yourself that you would help solve the problem when the problem was with the common denominator:HIM. (when i say "you" i mean women in general btw.)

are there general dating/marriage rules I think one should adhere to? Yes! The book "he's just not that into you" was really the truth. But, I also believe there are exceptions to every rule- you just have to know when the follow the rules and when to bend them & this depends on the man you're dealing with.

 

[jerseygurl]

I think that we have to be in the right frame of mind to be able to go into a relationship with marriage as the end goal. Looking back at her previous posts, I think Zaynab had it right from jump. she knew what she wanted and was not afraid to ask if the man was also seeking the same. I believe that we all have this built in radar to catch BS but we seldom tap into it for various reasons.

If we are feeling vulnerable, men detect it and swoop in on us and because of our mindframe, we are sucked in and then wonder what happened later. I also believe that sometimes we are not aware that we are wearing our heart on our sleeves and it makes it easy for dude to play mind games with us.

For me, I had to decide what it was I wanted from a man in all areas of life. I also had to evaluate what I had to offer a man and why I wanted to be married rather than just go into a long term relationship with some random man. After weighing all of this factors, I began actively seeking a man who shared the same values, respected women, family and the institute of marriage. When I changed my mind frame, it was easy for me to eliminate the slackers and find what I was looking for.

Long post I know but I hope this helps

 

[Ladybelle]

I think that we have to be in the right frame of mind to be able to go into a relationship with marriage as the end goal. Looking back at her previous posts, I think Zaynab had it right from jump. she knew what she wanted and was not afraid to ask if the man was also seeking the same. I believe that we all have this built in radar to catch BS but we seldom tap into it for various reasons.

If we are feeling vulnerable, men detect it and swoop in on us and because of our mindframe, we are sucked in and then wonder what happened later. I also believe that sometimes we are not aware that we are wearing our heart on our sleeves and it makes it easy for dude to play mind games with us.

For me, I had to decide what it was I wanted from a man in all areas of life. I also had to evaluate what I had to offer a man and why I wanted to be married rather than just go into a long term relationship with some random man. After weighing all of this factors, I began actively seeking a man who shared the same values, respected women, family and the institute of marriage. When I changed my mind frame, it was easy for me to eliminate the slackers and find what I was looking for.

Long post I know but I hope this helps

it helps! all experiences/suggestions/advice are welcomed.

 

[Renewed1]

Well, I don't know if my theory is going to work or not. But I decided to approach a relationship from a LOGICAL standpoint (like a MAN) rather than an emotional one (woman).

I realized that I go into relationships with my heart; instead of my head. Understand that my brain is telling me that this guy is wrong; but my heart says test it out, be patient. But my COMMON SENSE is telling me that my brain is right and to ignore my heart.

I think this is how men approach relationships; with their HEADS (well the thing on top of their bodies). They know what they IMMEDIATELY like and dislike. If the dislikes are greater than the likes.....they are giving the girl the deuces and moves on to the next woman.

I decided to adopt that philosophy THINK LIKE A MAN; ACT LIKE A LADY.

 

[runwaydream]

Well, I don't know if my theory is going to work or not. But I decided to approach a relationship from a LOGICAL standpoint (like a MAN) rather than an emotional one (woman).

I realized that I go into relationships with my heart; instead of my head. Understand that my brain is telling me that this guy is wrong; but my heart says test it out, be patient. But my COMMON SENSE is telling me that my brain is right and to ignore my heart.

I think this is how men approach relationships; with their HEADS (well the thing on top of their bodies). They know what they IMMEDIATELY like and dislike. If the dislikes are greater than the likes.....they are giving the girl the deuces and moves on to the next woman.

I decided to adopt that philosophy THINK LIKE A MAN; ACT LIKE A LADY.

wow, great post. i think you'll have a lot of success with this method. the reason i think alot of women are facing these problems in their relationships is because they're too emotional.
if you do this be sure to come back and let us know how it works for you

 

[tiara76]

I think as women we are under the impression that following our heart means following our emotions...emotions come and go, feeling your heart and what its telling you is something totally different....I think its about logically trusting your heart...old baggage and pent up emotions from the past ideally are to be released so that you don't confuse yourself on whats really going on.....also the more intune you are to yourself the more intune you are to others....if we are dilluding ourselves, lying to ourselves, running from ourselves, loathing parts of ourselves and not accepting ourselves....we will run into others who do the same thing...however since we don't like to look at ourselves, we like to point the finger and be like "he's lying to me, he's not accepting me, he's treating me bad, he "fooled" me.....

 

[Bunny77]

^^^Is it possible to look for positive signs instead of just outright negatives? I tend to think that a person's character is in the details. So I know that if he gives money to the person on the street that he's probably not going to be stingy with me. If he's punctual and keeps a clean house and car, etc. then he's probably also responsible with his money, and so on.

I don't think there are ever any guarantees about someone until you really get to know them, but people tend to have pretty consistent personalities and usually leave clues about things that haven't been revealed yet.

But if someone is actively hiding stuff, or putting on a show, then I guess only time will tell.

Good point! I'm always so focused on what NOT to look for, that I don't say much about what TO look for.

I always judge a person's character first on how they treat ME and then how they treat people close to them. Only because I think back to a guy I know who presented himself as a bleeding heart who cared for others and wanted to help (like going down to New Orleans to help during Katrina, etc.)... and he turned out to be a total sociopath with me when he got angry!

I know other women will say, "Oh, he treats his mom and sisters so well, so he must be a good guy." Negatory in their situations... he might put the women in his family on a pedestal, but hate other women outside of his family.

I think you can get an idea of how someone acts by looking at the little details, but in the end, I get my ideas mostly from how they are with me first!

 

[JollyGal]

If someone could give you all the answers about how to get married/obtain a husband- what would you want them to say, answer or reveal?

If feel like every single reply in this thread speak volumes about how I feel.

I would want the answers to consist of (based on experiences);

Think with your head and not your heart
Speak about LTR/marriage early as opposed to saying you want to go with the flow in this relationship
Leave him if he doesn't introduce you to his family and friends within 6 months
Deal with YOUR issues first before getting into a relationship heading towards marriage
Be honest with yourself if he isn't someone you can picture waking up next to for the rest of your life GET RID OF HIM
Listen to your senses. If one sense doesn't like something about him then believe that the other senses will not. (This includes smelly breathe )
Look at his relationship with his family- especially if you're family orientated and want a family of your own
If he speaks about sex and suggests it early in the relationship or even courting stages HE IS NOT WORTH IT
Is he interested in your life and talents?
Does he keep his promises?
What is he like with his finances?
Listen to the questions that pop into your head about him
Is he committed to his profession?
Is he ambitious?
Does he answer your questions fully?
Be honest about what you want from the get go

From my experiences I have failed a few times but I see that as a blessing. Those men were not worth even a split second of my time. The ones who I didn't fail with are still my friends to this day but I know we're not compatible.

I believe I will get married I just haven't found him yet.

 

[JollyGal]

Maya Angelou- When someone shows you who they are...BELIEVE THEM Marriage will not change someone.

 

[TG2000]

and look at what he is RIGHT NOW because that is who he will always be..

If that statement ain't the truth!! I love it!

 

[jerseygurl]

Apart from the "how he treats the women in his family", I also watch for how he treats people when he thinks I'm not looking. Also we have to be careful to be even more diligent after the relationship has been defined, i.e. boyfriend-girlfriend stage. They can start taking you for granted. A guy I was dating once gave me a dressing down in public because I dared to correct him on something he did. But did I learn from that? It took something more drastic for me to move on.