Separate But Together?

[C@ssandr@]

I was on facebook the other day scrolling through and saw a picture of my cousin's son and husband. It dawned on me that she's married. Now, I've been told this, but when I'm at her house there is no man essence. Apparently he lives there, but I don't even remember what he looks like. I thought maybe it's just me being aloof, but no because...

...I have another cousin who has 3 kids, a husband, and the man is never around. No one seems to know the story of why he's never at the family gatherings and such but he's always at home . This one is easy though. They are on the rocks and she's trying to hide it. One of my other cousins suggested he has a second family and is hiding it. Iunno, but I hope not.

Do you, or have you known couples who are "together" but don't give off a vibe of "togetherness"?

 

[hopeful]

Yes, I've seen it and it makes me feel sad.

 

[Live.Laugh.Love]

I don't know of anything as extreme as your examples. But it sounds like the men in those relationships aren't that into it me are waiting for their out, or they are extrmely anti social (which I doubt).

I know of a couple were the female is all over the man, and he is so non chalant to her, so all though they are together at events frequently, he seems like he is looking for a come up. He is the defition of a social climbing man if I have ever seen one.

As you know, you can't tell a woman In love anything. Sucks she is going to have to learn the hard way about men like him.

 

[C@ssandr@]

Yes, I've seen it and it makes me feel sad.

It hurts my heart because when I see my cousin she looks distant even though she's typically lively.

 

[C@ssandr@]

I don't know of anything as extreme as your examples. But it sounds like the men in those relationships aren't that into it me are waiting for their out, or they are extrmely anti social (which I doubt).

I know of a couple were the female is all over the man, and he is so non chalant to her, so all though they are together at events frequently, he seems like he is looking for a come up. He is the defition of a social climbing man if I have ever seen one.

As you know, you can't tell a woman In love anything. Sucks she is going to have to learn the hard way about men like him.

Tell them what? Both of these marriages are yearssss in, with kids, mortgages and alladat. I guess everyone involved is just getting by?

 

[ChasingBliss]

How about giving off the vibe of togetherness for other people then go home and act like mute strangers...

 

[TayMac]

This is totally different but I posted once about my mom's friend who is married and has NEVER lived with her husband. He lives in NY or NJ and she lives in the south. She never goes up there to visit.

I have seen them together at a Christmas gathering they had at their house. It was awkward.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

I know what you mean, I wasn't sure if my cousin was still married to her husband for awhile cause whenever she came to town, I never seen him. But then our grandfather passed last year and I sat right next to him at the funeral. A few months later, they had a housewarming party and I saw the pics. They're together. Maybe they had a rough patch? Ionno.

 

[C@ssandr@]

This is totally different but I posted once about my mom's friend who is married and has NEVER lived with her husband. He lives in NY or NJ and she lives in the south. She never goes up there to visit.

I have seen them together at a Christmas gathering they had at their house. It was awkward.

What's up with this? Green card situation?

 

[TayMac]

What's up with this? Green card situation?

No they are both AA...born and raised in the South east

 

[naturalmanenyc]

Yep, I know a couple that is living in separate houses. Not sure why and when I thought about asking, I realized that I don't care.
They do attend events together though.

 

[awhyley]

This is the strangest thread. Part of getting married is for companionship (and bill-sharing). What's the point, if you're gonna live at a different residence?

 

[Topsido]

It's called "Married but living Single". It's more common that most people think. This is usually after the "Married single mother" phase. It's usually perpetuated by the men. The women agree so they can still say they are married. (Faux) win win situation. He can come home whenever he's sick, ego's hurt, nursed etc, then go back to their single life.

 

[DarkJoy]

I know a cpl like this. She lives in California and he in France! They see each other like 3 weeks per year.

She is Asian (American born) and hes obviously a French national. Idgi.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

It's called "Married but living Single". It's more common that most people think. This is usually after the "Married single mother" phase. It's usually perpetuated by the men. The women agree so they can still say they are married. (Faux) win win situation. He can come home whenever he's sick, ego's hurt, nursed etc, then go back to their single life.

The couples I know like this actually live together but they basically have separate lives outside of their homes.

The married single mothers do everything on their own. School meetings, church, pta, after school activities and the only time father comes around is graduation or if kid is really really really sick and mother absolutely can't get to pick up from school. People are so used to mother being alone they "forget" that there is a father so when he does show up eyebrows are raised.

The married but living single take it to such an extreme that you never see said partner even at the "usual" family gatherings only the can't miss ones (i.e. big mama's funeral). Don't be fooled by Facebook pictures. Those clicks may be the only time some couples spend together.

The different state couples are usually women that don't want to admit they been played so they go through with wedding that no one is fooled by especially when he never relocates afterwards or green card games.

One day I'll share stories.

 

[C@ssandr@]

Ok, so this arrangement is pretty normal

 

[hopeful]

Ok, so this arrangement is pretty normal

I don't think so. In my experience it is rare that married couples live completely separate lives. Most of the couples I know do most of their activities together. A small percentage do EVERYTHING together. A small percent practically ignore each other. That's my experience anyway. IMO there is nothing normal about what has been described here. It's so rare that I can only think of two couples who live this way. One couple has lived completely separate lives for years. I knew them when they were first married and they were a beautiful couple. I don't know what went wrong. The other couple tries to put on a good front but they show no affection toward each other and don't seem to enjoy each other's company or share similar interests. Most couples IMO like and/or love each other. They may get on each other's nerves sometimes but for the most part are devoted to each other.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

Ok, so this arrangement is pretty normal

Its not normal at all. Its dysfunctional at best. Usually embraced by those more worried about keeping up appearances then embracing the truth (marriage over pregnancy, rushing to marry by certain age, ignoring red flags, thinking you can love him to change never works).

Some people do anything to avoid divorce even when divorce would be the best thing.

The children raised in these situations are hard pressed to reconcile what they see in normal homes vs. the dysfunction they were raised in because until you see normal you don't realize that mommy and daddy never spending time together isn't quite right. Or they are blindsided when the last kid heads to college and mom (or dad) files for divorce. The kids then get mad and hate on spouse that has finally moved on and dares to have gf/bf instead of seeing what was at home was not normal. The parent in the worst denial is usually bitter at parent that moved on and embraces the "betrayed" role instead of acknowledging that staying together for the kids did more harm than good.

 

[God_Favor]

Yeah, my co worker ( male). He doesn't want his wife but needs her money. He has told her he doesn't want to be with her, but she still hanging on and begging for sex when she ovulates. She begs him to call her parents on their bday to make it seem like they are a real couple. She makes way more , so he can't afford to leave, but he has made it clear he doesn't want her, he even tells her about the women he is really into. He lives in basement in a beautiful home, rent free and spends his extra money on dates with other women. She is happy to have him in the house and pretends she is happily married .....

 

[SpiritJunkie]

That's why people need to be happy with what they have....and not worry about others or compare. (comparison is the thief of joy) A lot of people are putting up appearances due to societal standards. It's ok if things didn't work out....it happens to us all at some point.

 

[ElizaBlue]

Not sure about your cousin's case, but I know several couples who are divorced and still living under the same roof due to the economy/mortgages, saving face and one because she just had the baby. They got pregnant during the divorce filing and neither wanted to stop it.

 

[SpiritJunkie]

Not sure about your cousin's case, but I know several couples who are divorced and still living under the same roof due to the economy/mortgages, saving face and one because she just had the baby. They got pregnant during the divorce filing and neither wanted to stop it.

You brought up a good point.....economic. Sometimes as the saying goes...cheaper to keep her/him....so many factors involved ....every couple has their own reasons...

 

[bklynbornNbred]

Not sure about your cousin's case, but I know several couples who are divorced and still living under the same roof due to the economy/mortgages, saving face and one because she just had the baby. They got pregnant during the divorce filing and neither wanted to stop it.

I think that's different than the OP's original post (unless couple is hiding fact that they are divorced). In those situations participation in certain events would not be expected anymore.

What OP is referring to is when spouse is basically a ghost. Its one thing for coworker to never see your spouse but if your church that you faithfully attend mistakenly thinks you are single (because he attends another church or just doesn't come to yours at all) that's a problem.

 

[LeftRightRepeat]

if your church that you faithfully attend mistakenly thinks you are single (because he attends another church or just doesn't come to yours at all) that's a problem.

I think church attendance is a separate issue. My mother went to church most Sundays, my father never ever went. This was true of most of my friends parents as well. I'm not sure if my father is an atheist or just doesn't like church services.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

I think church attendance is a separate issue. My mother went to church most Sundays, my father never ever went. This was true of most of my friends parents as well. I'm not sure if my father is an atheist or just doesn't like church services.

Was just an example. Here's a different one. I've had friends that I've been in organization with for years be annoyed/upset when they are invited to out of organization things (like a wedding) alone because invitee had no idea they were married. Not once did husband attend any of our events. Not the fundraisers, not the family fun stuff, nada. Years.

The solo invitation wasn't a slight or bride being cheap but folks really didn't know. It's happened more than once.

 

[ElizaBlue]

I think that's different than the OP's original post (unless couple is hiding fact that they are divorced). In those situations participation in certain events would not be expected anymore.

What OP is referring to is when spouse is basically a ghost. Its one thing for coworker to never see your spouse but if your church that you faithfully attend mistakenly thinks you are single (because he attends another church or just doesn't come to yours at all) that's a problem.

Kinda sorta....these folks were living separate lives...but under the same roof. So on the outside it looked like a disinterested or absent spouse and in one case even a cheating spouse...when in actuality...their family dynamics had totally changed....they just didn't feel a need to make an announcement.

 

[Seraphina]

I was on facebook the other day scrolling through and saw a picture of my cousin's son and husband. It dawned on me that she's married. Now, I've been told this, but when I'm at her house there is no man essence. Apparently he lives there, but I don't even remember what he looks like. I thought maybe it's just me being aloof, but no because...

...I have another cousin who has 3 kids, a husband, and the man is never around. No one seems to know the story of why he's never at the family gatherings and such but he's always at home . This one is easy though. They are on the rocks and she's trying to hide it. One of my other cousins suggested he has a second family and is hiding it. Iunno, but I hope not.

Do you, or have you known couples who are "together" but don't give off a vibe of "togetherness"?

My brother and sister in law. Not to this extreme...their usually at home at the same time and know where the other is. But I lived with them for a few months and, even though they were both there, they seemed to rarely be in the same room. They didn't really go out to do things and they have very little in common when it comes to what they like to do. It often seemed like they were just co-existing.

 

[C@ssandr@]

Its not normal at all. Its dysfunctional at best. Usually embraced by those more worried about keeping up appearances then embracing the truth (marriage over pregnancy, rushing to marry by certain age, ignoring red flags, thinking you can love him to change never works).

Some people do anything to avoid divorce even when divorce would be the best thing.

The children raised in these situations are hard pressed to reconcile what they see in normal homes vs. the dysfunction they were raised in because until you see normal you don't realize that mommy and daddy never spending time together isn't quite right. Or they are blindsided when the last kid heads to college and mom (or dad) files for divorce. The kids then get mad and hate on spouse that has finally moved on and dares to have gf/bf instead of seeing what was at home was not normal. The parent in the worst denial is usually bitter at parent that moved on and embraces the "betrayed" role instead of acknowledging that staying together for the kids did more harm than good.

I know it's not "normal" what I meant is that is not uncommon. People like to paint marriage in a certain light, even those in marriages that suck. Not knowing how people really get down makes it hard to decide if that's a lifestyle one would one want for themselves. I think we're coming around to being more honest about it, but there's still smoke and mirrors about what it is/isn't, should/shouldn't be.

 

[sunnieb]

Of course this happens, but I still wouldn't call it normal.

As matter fact, I'm running across the opposite. When people find out I've been married 21 years, I always get that look like " yes she looks happy, but you never know what's going on behind closed doors". Well, what's going on behind our closed doors is a regular old marriage. We argue, we laugh, we love, we talk. That's about it.

It's almost like people refuse to believe that long term marriages can be happy. Not some fairy tale peachy perfect happy ending marriage, but just a regular happy marriage.

It's sad that some couples accept this separate but married life.

 

[C@ssandr@]

Of course this happens, but I still wouldn't call it normal.

As matter fact, I'm running across the opposite. When people find out I've been married 21 years, I always get that look like " yes she looks happy, but you never know what's going on behind closed doors". Well, what's going on behind our closed doors is a regular old marriage. We argue, we laugh, we love, we talk. That's about it.

It's almost like people refuse to believe that long term marriages can be happy. Not some fairy tale peachy perfect happy ending marriage, but just a regular happy marriage.

It's sad that some couples accept this separate but married life.

What's funny is that I think long term relationships can work, but I do not think they work for everybody. Not as a flaw, but statistically speaking and how humans operate. No, not everyone is built to keep evolving with one person. It literally doesn't compute.

I believe lots of people are happily married, lot's aren't, and others can't tell if they're with the wrong person, or if their rlshp has expired. It really seems like a social experiment and folks are too ashamed to admit it. That's what makes my brain hurt.