Because a caution flag should be thrown for any woman considering marriage to a man dealing with this situation. I'm not telling you becuase you're already 619.32 miles down the road... I'm telling the you that you were when you were about to marry into this.
A man who has not resolved the issues of parenting his child by another woman IS NOT MARRIAGE MATERIAL.
Before you married him you knew that he didn't have visitation... and was still battling charges...
And you STILL MARRIED HIM. That speaks volumes towards your views about him and his relationship with his children.
If your husband had acted as a FATHER FIRST, he would have stepped back and dealt with his situation with his son before taking on you and your children.
And you should have known better than to bring ALL of this drama into your life, let alone the lives of your children. They've already been through a crisis that brings adults to their knees... and THEN you decide to make them deal with an emotionally detached step-father and a psychotic step-brother.
And your mothering technique is better than hers????
You can't fix every child in the world. Especially when the parents in the situation refuse to. And extra-especially when you have minor children of your own in the equation.
Willing participant? Are you serious? A minor child is a "willing participant" in the failures of his parents?
V... you are testing my sympathy here. To be a willing participant, you have to have choice.
You had the choice to look at the situation of your guy's life and decide to take it on.
His mother had the choice to use her child as a weapon to hurt his father.
His father had a choice to decide to PARENT HIS CHILDREN over dumping them on the crazy woman he decided to create them with in favor of the new woman with the better lifestyle.
And this boy has enjoyed choice exactly where????
He didn't decide anything in this equation. Didn't decide to have a dad who'd rather go create a life over there with you and your kids. Didn't decide to have his mother take her issues out on him. Didn't decide to swallow pain in order placate the adults like his sister may be doing.
Yes negative attention is better than no attention. Most children play that card. It tends to be their only resource when the adults in their lives are making selfish decisions.
You didn't think it was fair?? Would you let someone treat YOUR children this way?
And BULLSHYT that you aren't excusing "DH's" role in this. You MARRIED HIM knowing his ideas about how to parent....
From your statements alone:
- He is ok with letting someone abuse his child.
- He is not willing to embrace your children in an active parenting role.
- He expects other folks - first his ex-wife and then YOU - to "deal with" the mess he helped create because he prefers to go off and be a hero to strangers.
- So...Strangers are more important than family.
And you looked at him and this situation and decided he was A-#1 Marriage Material. That your children would benefit from his being a part of their lives??
What are you teaching your children about marriage and the decisions that have to be made before speaking vows?
Well here's the thing. She's his mother. Part of his behavior is based on the fact that when he causes you drama and stress... his relationship with his mother runs smoother.
If you agree then act on it. Is your marriage worth more than the well being of this child?
He needs more than you are capable of providing at this point. Your children don't deserve to have to deal with the decisions of the adults who refuse to handle this boy in a healthy manner.
On one hand, its your responsibility to give it to him because you took him on when you took on his father.
On the other hand, it isn't your resposibility to do more than his own parents are willing to.
But I BEG YOU TO STOP STOP STOP!!! listing his mother's failures in comparison to your own supposed accomplishments.
SO WHAT that you have grown men wishing you were their mom?
SO WHAT that your schedule allows you more time with your kids than she enjoys with hers?
Your arrogance is insulting. And telling.
You could poof into the modern version of June Cleaver and you still couldn't compensate for the issues in his relationship with his mother AND FATHER.
The same critiques and faults you lay in his mother's lap can be directed at your husband. He is their father. Why isn't he there when their mom has to work extra hours at the expense of time with THEIR children?
Why doesn't he fight to be with his kids as much as he'd fight to save a stranger?
What's normal? Your kids have lost their father. So have his. The basic differece is that his children's father is still alive but has decided not to be a part of their lives. There's trauma and then there's TRAUMA.
I don't think this is your burden to carry at all. You shouldn't have taken this on and placed this on your children's shoulders.
But that was your choice.
Your H shouldn't have shrugged off his responsibility towards his children, shrugged and "hoped" it would get better. He knew what he was bringing into your life and you knew what you were taking on.
And that was his choice.
It's more tragic actually. And if they can't afford or are unwillingy to pay for someone to do what they refuse to - then I agree that its not on you to pick up the slack.
In terms of who's responsible for what... your children take priorty in your life just as his are supposed to take priority in his.
Wow, I appreciate the insight! I obviously don't agree with most of what you say but certainly appreciate your right to say it. We all want the world to be black and white. As I get older, I realized there are much more shades of gray. You sound sooooo much like Dr. Laura, who, btw, has been married 3 times and doesn't speak to her own mother! Relationship expert? I think not! But I digress.
I think if we all waited for every situation to be perfect none of us would ever get married.
DH is a good dad that had kids with and was married to a psycho *****, imo. That happens. Yes, SS
did play into and created much of the drama. I don't know if you have kids but kids can choose to do right or wrong. Juvenile delinquent facilities are full of those that have made the wrong choice. So not all children are innocent. We all have a story to tell and a place to lay blame if we so desired. I believe a lot of the things he has done he knew they were wrong, not just to us, but at school. Maybe you missed the part about his being suspended 17 times. Even a two-year-old can determine right from wrong in certain instances. SS knew he shouldn't look on DH's computer and report back what he found, look at financial statements, stand outside of closed doors eavesdropping, etc. Constantly tear down his Dad, threaten to beat up his sister, etc. cuss the teachers out, pull down a girl's pants, destroy other peoples' property, spraying mace at a dance practice and the list goes on and on etc. etc. etc, We can all make excuses for acting out. the truth is some of us do and some of us don't. There are consequences if you do and consequences if you don't.
Damn straight, I married my husband knowing that he was wrongfully accused of mistreating his son by a vindictive, scorned woman that did not want to see him move on. People do move on - it's not pretty but it is a fact of life and they do have that right. I saw him many a night cry over his kids and the fact that he could only have supervised visits during court proceedings.
Yep, I am June cleaver, Martha Stewart and B Smith all rolled into one and I'm not going to apologize. It's not arrogance and you should certainly not be insulted. That was not my intent. I'm laying out the facts so you can see the total picture, at least as much as I can give you from my limited perspective.
And yes I do think, even if you are a single mom, remember I was one too, you are obligated to make wise choices. Like working during the day while your kids are at school and being home at night with them. No sympathy there. My DH is an awesome firefighter and a hero to many but you know sometimes, it is hardest to save our own.
And lastly, I will not
STOP, STOP, STOP outlining the failures of his mom. I have many friends who are in various versions of blended families and they manage to remain civil and put the best interests of the children first. This babe came out of the box crazy and just stayed there. Not my doing but just her way. So it is a part of the problem. And for the record, I have never said one negative about their mom to SS or SD and I certainly cannot say the same for her.
Laginappe, I didn't come on the board looking for sympathy but I really do appreciate you taking the time to share your opinion. You've made some very valid points but are waaaaaaay off base in other areas. You are very insightful and caused me to think, and for that, my friend, I thank you!
. I told him this morning that I loved him and we would be in this together no matter what. So moving forward that's what we will do. Stay close to each other and stay close to God!
