Sigh...I don't think this point can be emphasized enough. I know there are lots of people rolling their eyes, saying that their situation is different, but I just hope that women know that for a fact rather than just
assuming that it is. Also from experience, my father has been with his girlfriend for about 10 years now. She's moved into his house, supported him when he was out of work, etc. I believe that he's told her various reasons over the years why marriage wasn't working--saying he wanted to wait until his kids were grown (um...we were teenagers when they met, and even then he lived in another state!), saying that he wasn't sure about marriage in general, etc. (But on the side he'll tell me how there are things about GF that he disfavors...but does he tell her that? NO!)
Now, my sister, a college student, has been talking about how she's not waiting around forever for some guy to propose, and my dad gets on the phone with her like, "You keep putting these ideas into GF's head about marriage." No one is putting "ideas" into her head, she's just starting to see the writing on the wall, and that if a college-aged girl can have the common sense to know that she's worth more than some guy's half-hearted promises for "someday" then maybe GF is worth more, too.
And more than that, from my perspective, I've been thinking about these situations because were something to happen to my father, I would be the executor of his estate. At least, he hasn't informed me of any will to the contrary. I know, I just
know that if something happened to him that GF would expect a share of something--the savings, the house,
something. Now, I would be willing to share a little, just because I think it's a shame how my father has been leading her on. At the same time, I don't have any question that
if my father actually
wanted to provide for GF in the event of his death that he would marry her. I know him well enough to know that his ambivalence about marriage is a message that says,
"I don't think I want all of me and everything that I have to be yours. We can enjoy one another's company indefinitely, but I don't want my life or my possessions to belong to you." And for that reason, you can't really blame the family that doesn't share the inheritance, or gives an insignificant line in the obituary because I'll bet dollars to donuts that the family knows full well how important the GF really was to their loved one. And if they know that, regardless of how long they lived together that she was "just the GF," then that's all the family will treat her as.
But get this, a few years prior to meeting current GF, my dad met a Botswanan doctor who he was just wowed by. Ever since then he's talked about how he would have married her. Somehow, all of his concerns about kids and commitment didn't matter when he met a woman he
really liked.
I know it's hard, but the sooner you see the writing on the wall, the sooner you can move on to your brighter future. Having the courage to move on means that the worst is now behind you.
. A marriage can be dissolved, a child is forever. So how is a child less of a committment? Makes me wonder what level of committment these men really have to these kids they're creating.
