Professional Ladies: Would You Date a Man Who is Still in School?

[cocoberry10]

I posted this in off topic, but some people don't really visit that section so I'll post here.

This is for a friend and classmate of mine. She met a man that she likes. Here's the issue.

They are roughly the same age (he's a year older). She finished graduate school (she's a classmate from law school) and is working and making a very good salary. This guy dropped out of college, but has returned (he's finishing up his bachelor's), and is planning to go to law and business school. She likes him, but she's conflicted for a few reasons. He won't be finished for at least 5 years. What if things get really serious? She wonders if he will expect her to support him through school. She also doesn't want to wait that long to get married, but she's not sure if she is willing to support him if he's not her husband.

They met because he was seeking advice from people who attended law school, and then he started trying to talk to her.

I am usually really good at giving advice, but I'm a little stumped here, because there are so many factors. Ultimately, she will have to make the decision herself.

This situation is remniscent of Barack and Michelle, but is also a lot different. First, he's not actually admitted to law/business school, but it seems he's serious about going (he's applying, etc.). Second, since he hasn't even started yet, she would be looking at another 5 years or more before he finishes.

 

[QueenHav]

I voted YES because she has proof that he's actually trying to get his ish together. Sure, date him...and monitor his progress.

 

[phynestone]

I'm not sure. He is doing something productive, but there's the possibility that he could drop her as soon as he gets his degree. I would encourage your friend to keep her options open, not live with him or financially support him in any way. Actions speak louder than words, and there are a lot of great actors out. I'm not being pessimistic, I'm looking out for #1.

 

[JustKiya]

I wonder if the poll will fall out differently, in the two forums. :scratchch

 

[DDTexlaxed]

Your title had me rolling until I read your thread. I feel silly today.

 

[MzLady78]

I'm not sure. He is doing something productive, but there's the possibility that he could drop her as soon as he gets his degree. I would encourage your friend to keep her options open, not live with him or financially support him in any way. Actions speak louder than words, and there are a lot of great actors out. I'm not being pessimistic, I'm looking out for #1.

He could drop her tomorrow or next month, what does that have to do with anything? erplexed

Doesn't really make sense to me to make a decision based on what "could" happen 5 years from now.

IMO, she's over-thinking this situation right now. They haven't even officially started dating yet and she's worried about whether or not she'll have to support him? Wow.

 

[cocoberry10]

I wonder if the poll will fall out differently, in the two forums. :scratchch

I do too!!!!

 

[cocoberry10]

He could drop her tomorrow or next month, what does that have to do with anything? erplexed

Doesn't really make sense to me to make a decision based on what "could" happen 5 years from now.

IMO, she's over-thinking this situation right now. They haven't even officially started dating yet and she's worried about whether or not she'll have to support him? Wow.

MzLady, I think it's based on some of the conversations he's had with her. He's asked her what her opinion was on a woman supporting her husband while he was in professional school. I think she's trying to make sure he's not some male golddigger. That's what made her ask me. Obviously, at this point, she is free to date others.

 

[MzLady78]

MzLady, I think it's based on some of the conversations he's had with her. He's asked her what her opinion was on a woman supporting her husband while he was in professional school. I think she's trying to make sure he's not some male golddigger. That's what made her ask me. Obviously, at this point, she is free to date others.

Oh ok, that makes a little more sense, LOL.

If she likes him, she should give him a shot but keep seeing whoever else she's seeing.

She might find other things that will cause her to lose interest long before the school situation becomes an issue.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

There's a good chance he wont marry until he's finish. I would hang out a little bit but I PERSONALLY wouldnt get too serious. I had a small experience with a guy how is finishing up he's Ph.D. He's great and all but I am not waiting for you, sorry. Not too long after I someone else and I am very happy and he's time line to marry is actually less than mine. So I am good to go. If she doesnt want to wait, KEEP YOUR OPTIONS OPEN!

 

[cocoberry10]

There's a good chance he wont marry until he's finish. I would hang out a little bit but I PERSONALLY wouldnt get too serious. I had a small experience with a guy how is finishing up he's Ph.D. He's great and all but I am not waiting for you, sorry. Not too long after I someone else and I am very happy and he's time line to marry is actually less than mine. So I am good to go. If she doesnt want to wait, KEEP YOUR OPTIONS OPEN!

I think this is very good advice for her. I guess he should keep his options open too, since he hasn't even gotten to law school yet. He might meet a girl there and ditch her.

 

[phynestone]

He could drop her tomorrow or next month, what does that have to do with anything? erplexed

Doesn't really make sense to me to make a decision based on what "could" happen 5 years from now.

IMO, she's over-thinking this situation right now. They haven't even officially started dating yet and she's worried about whether or not she'll have to support him? Wow.

I should have re-read the initial post. Yeah, they should both keep their options open. Hypothetically speaking, if they were to date while he was working on his degree, I'm not sure if it would work out. I've seen too many situations like this not work out in the woman's favor if she and the man are just dating.

 

[cocoberry10]

I should have re-read the initial post. Yeah, they should both keep their options open. Hypothetically speaking, if they were to date while he was working on his degree, I'm not sure if it would work out. I've seen too many situations like this not work out in the woman's favor if she and the man are just dating.

Yeah, I do too. I think that's what she's trying to do, but he's trying to push for a more serious relationship. And I think because of his circumstances, she's not sure she wants to proceed just yet.

 

[janaq2003]

I think ol' dude is looking for a easy ride. why is he pushing for a serious relationship so quickly? I smell... a freeloader. JMO

 

[cocoberry10]

I think ol' dude is looking for a easy ride. why is he pushing for a serious relationship so quickly? I smell... a freeloader. JMO

By the way, I don't know if I said this in this thread (I know I said it in the other thread in off topic).

This guy lives in a dorm and is a Resident Assistant. Does that change any of your views?

 

[JustKiya]

By the way, I don't know if I said this in this thread (I know I said it in the other thread in off topic).

This guy lives in a dorm and is a Resident Assistant. Does that change any of your views?

I'll repeat my answer here, as a previous RA.

To me, that indicates he's even smarter with the little bit of his money he has. Yeah, it's not a good look to be living on campus in a dorm.
But damn how it looks, free room and board is where it's AT when the financial situation is tight. Assuming, of course, that's the perk of being an RA, as it was at the two colleges I RA'd at - along with a TINY stipend.

 

[cocoberry10]

I'll repeat my answer here, as a previous RA.

To me, that indicates he's even smarter with the little bit of his money he has. Yeah, it's not a good look to be living on campus in a dorm.
But damn how it looks, free room and board is where it's AT when the financial situation is tight. Assuming, of course, that's the perk of being an RA, as it was at the two colleges I RA'd at - along with a TINY stipend.

I think that too. I think that she should just take it slow and see where it goes. She can continue dating other men.

 

[MzLady78]

I think ol' dude is looking for a easy ride. why is he pushing for a serious relationship so quickly? I smell... a freeloader. JMO

Nevermind, reading is fundamental, LOL.

 

[Kurlee]

I would.........

 

[Crackers Phinn]

By the way, I don't know if I said this in this thread (I know I said it in the other thread in off topic).

This guy lives in a dorm and is a Resident Assistant. Does that change any of your views?

That means his living situation is going to be up in the air when he graduates. It'll be nice to have a girlfriend to move in with who doesn't need help paying her mortgage.
~~~~~~~~~

If you knocked about 8 years off both their ages then it still wouldn't be an ideal situation, but I could kinda see.

Basically dude is broke, so entertainment outside of bed is going to be on her dime.

Even entertainment in bed will be on her dime cuz what grown *** woman is trying to lay up on the community mattress in a dorm room when she's got her own nice and comfy with grandiose thread count at home.

Like I said whent you're 20, that ish is an adventure. When you're looking in the mirror at 30, ain't nobody who has already been there/done that trying to take those 15 step backwards.

I don't think this is anything like Barrack and Michelle other than the mention of law school.

 

[Mis007]

DATE yes, certainly under these circumstances. The time it takes for him to complete his studies I would like be married starting a family...

 

[Jazzmommy]

From experience I would say wait until he has a degree. When I dated my husband he was still in school and claimed he only had a year left. Well, that year turned out to be like 2.5 years. We have been married for 8 years and he STILL does not have a degree.

 

[cocoberry10]

That means his living situation is going to be up in the air when he graduates. It'll be nice to have a girlfriend to move in with who doesn't need help paying her mortgage.
~~~~~~~~~

If you knocked about 8 years off both their ages then it still wouldn't be an ideal situation, but I could kinda see.

Basically dude is broke, so entertainment outside of bed is going to be on her dime.

Even entertainment in bed will be on her dime cuz what grown *** woman is trying to lay up on the community mattress in a dorm room when she's got her own nice and comfy with grandiose thread count at home.

Like I said whent you're 20, that ish is an adventure. When you're looking in the mirror at 30, ain't nobody who has already been there/done that trying to take those 15 step backwards.

I don't think this is anything like Barrack and Michelle other than the mention of law school.

You are telling some painful truths. I think she should hear this. I'm going to print it out and tell her.

 

[Kurlee]

wow, can't believe this thread. If he is truly in school and he is a good man otherwise, what is the problem? Maybe he had a late start or circumstances that prevented him from starting school at 18? I'm starting to see why so many women are single.

 

[cocoberry10]

wow, can't believe this thread. If he is truly in school and he is a good man otherwise, what is the problem? Maybe he had a late start or circumstances that prevented him from starting school at 18? I'm starting to see why so man women are single.

I understand what you are saying, but I think that there's no simple answer for this. My friend has been an attorney for 2 years, and this guy has at least 5 more years of school before he graduates. This assumes that he will not do any other graduate work (i.e. a Ph.D, etc.), and that he will have a job at graduation and pass the bar on the first or second try. These variables are absolutely uncertain, but then again, so is life, so she could just take things slow and see if he's got the qualities she wants.

 

[ackee walk]

I disagree with the folks that don't think this is similar to Barack and Michelle (at least on the surface). It's funny... I just read an article in Essence in which they had interviewed Hill Harper and one thing that he said was that a lot of black women in Michelle's position would have never dated Barack because he was a broke student, with a hole in his car and wasn't even interested in working at a firm/making loads of money. I think OP's friend's situation is similar in that this dude is trying to get with her, he looks like he is trying to make something of himself but his financial situation is not good and doesn't look like it will be good for years to come, while she is already established in her profession as an attorney.

Either way, OP, I think, ultimately your friend's decision boils down to basically two things: (1) how much chance is she willing to take; and (2) is he worth it? They haven't started dating yet and so maybe she won't be able to answer these questions until they've been dating for a little while. I would suggest she at least date him. See what he is about, what his character is like, see how much she likes him and whether she's even interested in anything serious with him. Yeah, he's a broke student now but that doesn't mean that they can't go on inexpensive dates where she can get to know him. Basically, I would not write him off automatically just because he is in school and I'm already an attorney.

I don't blame your friend for being on guard though and thinking about this early. I would be too, especially if a dude basically asked me how I would feel if I had to support him through school.

 

[madamdot]

I would not ditch him based on that (he could be the next Barack Obama . . . remember he met Michelle when he was still in school). But I would keep an eye on things: I dont like the "supporting husband" comment... its one thing is your husband went back to school.... this is different.

But like people said - don't over think it... but don't be naive either. If he can support himself now, he should not need her to do anything major.

 

[Kurlee]

I understand what you are saying, but I think that there's no simple answer for this. My friend has been an attorney for 2 years, and this guy has at least 5 more years of school before he graduates. This assumes that he will not do any other graduate work (i.e. a Ph.D, etc.), and that he will have a job at graduation and pass the bar on the first or second try. These variables are absolutely uncertain, but then again, so is life, so she could just take things slow and see if he's got the qualities she wants.

EXACTLY! You can't win for losing, because he is doing all the right things but is still getting the side eye, which I think is ridiculous. Yes, some of us may be degreed up and have started our careers, but even us, we may one day lose our jobs. He seems like he's on the right track, so at least get to know him before you reject him. And since when did being in school stop anyone from getting married? Many people marry while finishing up their masters, or in residency or law school.

 

[laCriolla]

she shouldn't let the POSSIBILITY he'll ask for $upport to be the reason she doesn't go out with him. because... he may NEVER ask for money. and if he does, she'll know exactly what she's dealing with and she can leave. If she doesn't go out with him, she may always wonder what if...

 

[cocoberry10]

From experience I would say wait until he has a degree. When I dated my husband he was still in school and claimed he only had a year left. Well, that year turned out to be like 2.5 years. We have been married for 8 years and he STILL does not have a degree.

Wow, sorry about that. I do think this guy will get a degree, but I also know that my friend probably wants to be married sooner than the 5-6 years it will take.