Please Help My Marriage Is In Crisis! Adult Topic

The story he told did make some since and some didn't. For that reason it is all a LIE.
His business partner and friend show him a lap top of one of their biggest clients who is a friend as well. Evidently the client is having an affair and this is the girl.
My husband decides to upload the pictures after having his business partner tell him not to.
Why upload the pictures. I don't know.
He inturn goes back to work and their is a guy or guys who talk junk about women. One in particular he claims is angry and pissed because he has been through a nasty divorce. Claims all American women are greedy and selfish.
This when my husband states well some women in other countries aren't like that heres one I know and takes out the photo of the girl.
He says he didn't say anything, just smiled and allow the guys to weave their own story.

Me being upset and angry calls his business partner for answer to verify some of the story. The business partner is now mad because I know about the pictures and want answer. He fears that I will keep calling people and expose his major client of having an affair.
Therefore, losing money.

Anyway, I asked my husband at what time did he think it was okay. And why would he want to relate and weave himself into this group when he complains about them being jerks, losers, idiots. Whats does that make you? He said it was just a joke.
That he had never had an affair or any other sexual contact with her or any other women..
That he hadn't even met her.

I don't know what to believe. But I do know that what he did I can't forget. Even if he had cheated he still disrepected me and himself, his family. I ask him why didn't he stop to think about the consequences. He said he didn't know. It was just something he did.
My mind is going crazy because I know there is more to it. And I can't live with that.
 
The important thing is you are clear on how you feel.
Logically if it doesn't make sense, then it doesn't make sense, and you have every right to take space and sort things out.

Stay strong we're here for you.

 
sterry said:
Yes, my husband is Causcacian. He does work over in the Phillipines at times because this is were his business partner is from.
I really do believe my husband has no preference in the color of women.
I did leave. Took my girls and told him I would be back when I could think clearly. I feel better already just getting out of the environment.
I broke down and told my friend of 17 years.
I was scared because they are strong Christians very strict in their practices and thier children have been friends with my girls since they were born. She understood me.
I feel bad because I am concern about how they will think of him now.
Trust me I will be no fool where this is concerned. I needed to get away and pray and think.
Click to expand...

You did good. No sense being there with him recriminating and asking a gazillions of qestions for now. You would just be tearing each other apart. After you've calmed down a bit and you are both in counseling together, you will get help in sorting things out and healing your relationship, if it can be healed.

Like I said previously, he seems to want to work things out, so all may not be lost.
 
Smuckie_Slick said:
(your siggy ain't right shock)

:look:
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What is that man doing in the siggy?
You know what? scratch that.. i don't want to know....:nono:


Sterry, You can get through this.
Whatever happens your life will change for the better, you just have to make it so.
we're all here for you
 
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There was another thread on here with a woman finding k-y in her bedroom. The hubby claimed his FRIEND needed a place to have affairs and did it in their home so that's where the stuff is from. What's that about?
 
sterry said:
The story he told did make some since and some didn't. For that reason it is all a LIE.
His business partner and friend show him a lap top of one of their biggest clients who is a friend as well. Evidently the client is having an affair and this is the girl.
My husband decides to upload the pictures after having his business partner tell him not to.
Why upload the pictures. I don't know.
He inturn goes back to work and their is a guy or guys who talk junk about women. One in particular he claims is angry and pissed because he has been through a nasty divorce. Claims all American women are greedy and selfish.
This when my husband states well some women in other countries aren't like that heres one I know and takes out the photo of the girl.
He says he didn't say anything, just smiled and allow the guys to weave their own story.

Me being upset and angry calls his business partner for answer to verify some of the story. The business partner is now mad because I know about the pictures and want answer. He fears that I will keep calling people and expose his major client of having an affair.
Therefore, losing money.

Anyway, I asked my husband at what time did he think it was okay. And why would he want to relate and weave himself into this group when he complains about them being jerks, losers, idiots. Whats does that make you? He said it was just a joke.
That he had never had an affair or any other sexual contact with her or any other women..
That he hadn't even met her.

I don't know what to believe. But I do know that what he did I can't forget. Even if he had cheated he still disrepected me and himself, his family. I ask him why didn't he stop to think about the consequences. He said he didn't know. It was just something he did.
My mind is going crazy because I know there is more to it. And I can't live with that.
Click to expand...

I was confused reading that. Not because of you, but because the story was simply outlandish. It reminds me of high school.

However, if his story is true, it sounds as if your husband is bored. Not particularly with you, but with life. He has created an imginary world in which this young girl is in an ilicit affair with him. He needs help.

I have one question though...and you do not have to answer of course...

But when you say that he is "far from a Christian" what does that mean? Does he do things a man possesed by Satan would do, like killing small animals for pleasure? Or is he far from a Christian in the "I practice another religion" way?

I asked because the way I read it sounds like there are major issues other than looking at nude photos.
 
chokolate miss said:
I was confused reading that. Not because of you, but because the story was simply outlandish. It reminds me of high school.

However, if his story is true, it sounds as if your husband is bored. Not particularly with you, but with life. He has created an imginary world in which this young girl is in an ilicit affair with him. He needs help.

I have one question though...and you do not have to answer of course...

But when you say that he is "far from a Christian" what does that mean? Does he do things a man possesed by Satan would do, like killing small animals for pleasure? Or is he far from a Christian in the "I practice another religion" way?

I asked because the way I read it sounds like there are major issues other than looking at nude photos.
Click to expand...

No, my husband is not a Satan worshipper. We used to frequently attend church. The whole family.
Im not sure what happen. He knows his bible up and down. He never interferrs with me or the girls when we go to church or pray/. He'll even tell the girls.....if they haven't prayed during meal. Hey....have you prayed yet. You better go ahead.

I have spoken to my husband. He said he just felt neglected. He felt as though I was getting tired and disappointed with him. He said I never compliment him, I never see the good things he does. He stated that he felt like a second fiddle. All he was good for was working.
He said that he tells me that good things all the time, but never hears them from me.
He was upset that he had made a picnic table for the girls and I did not compliment or stay outside with him as he made it. He felt as if I know longer stood by him.
Yes, his story sound outlandish. He felt it was a way to boost his self esteem.
He has gotten older, a little wider, not much and he didn't feel needed anymore.
He said he never had an affair or was intimate with another women. Because of boundaries. That he still loved me and desired me.
I guess he feel neglected.
 
Sorry but he is full of crap. "All men do it" is such a joke. DH does not sit around with colleagues/friends/family and discuss other women or fantasy relatoinships and DH certainly does not keep photos (much less 12 photos) of other women hidden on the computer or on his phone.

DH would be angry if anyone felt that he was having an affair and DH goes out of his way to squash such ideas. DH does not allow others to say & think what they want, he corrects their assumptions if they express them. DH does not even give rides to female friends since he does not want any random person to see him and think that he is doing something wrong. I have even told DH that he can feel free to give our female friends a ride....but he still won't do it.

If this were DH, and that is a mighty big if since he would not travel to a country known for such things, DH would at least try to calm my concerns and give me straight answers. The fact that your husband won't even address your valid concerns is even more of a problem to me than the photos.

ETA: Just finished the thread and saw that you spoke to him. I can understand his concerns; however, purposely putting you on the defensive to boost his self esteem was the wrong way to handle this. I hope that you have discussed better options for him in the future if/when he has such feelings again.
 
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Sterry, (((hugs)))) I hope everything is well and this all works out for you. I'm concerned with the name calling. No man should ever call his wife out of her name. There is a certain level of respect that he should have for you as his wife and it seems that he does not. I do not have any advice because it seems that most of the ladies have given great advice. I will say that you do not deserve to be called out of your name by your own husband. You are the mother of his children. If anything he should have respect for you from that aspect.
 
OMG, the enemy is soooooo busy this week attacking our husbands! Lord gives us strength!!! :bighug:

I'm sorry dear, but that is not normal and it's very disrespectful to you and your marriage. Like many ladies said, don't let him make you feel guilty about his behaviors.

Sending you PM.
 
PhonyBaloney500 said:
There was another thread on here with a woman finding k-y in her bedroom. The hubby claimed his FRIEND needed a place to have affairs and did it in their home so that's where the stuff is from. What's that about?
Click to expand...

a LIE. what man would let another man come to his house and sex all over his sheets or floor or cabinet top? even if he did which i doubt he did, he highly supports cheating. but like i said i doubt it. its likely his.
 
sunflower said:
Sterry, (((hugs)))) I hope everything is well and this all works out for you. I'm concerned with the name calling. No man should ever call his wife out of her name. There is a certain level of respect that he should have for you as his wife and it seems that he does not. I do not have any advice because it seems that most of the ladies have given great advice. I will say that you do not deserve to be called out of your name by your own husband. You are the mother of his children. If anything he should have respect for you from that aspect.
Click to expand...


Name calling. My husband does not call me derogatory names. But showing photos of another person is very disrespectful. I can't get passed that.
Why would he want someone to think he is having an affair.
He talked about not feeling appreciated and respected. I told him he had to appreciate and respect himself first. And how is he doing this by having everyone believe that he is a dog, a coward.
I can not gather this story.
I think he is going through a mid life crisis. Perhaps he feels I dont desire him anymore, so he made up this outlandish story so he could feel like he still had it. Like he could still get the girl. He said he felt neglected and not needed. That he has done so much for me and I never stroke his ego.
Bull, You see. Now I know why I like that show "Snapped" He really doesn't like me watching that show. I think he is afraid I will find the one where the women got away with the crime and repeat it.
 
my heart goes out to you. marriage is a struggle, every day.

i wonder, if he think it's so cool for men to talk about other women, affairs, if he thinks that as a man taking part in an affair makes you look cool to other men.. then why wouldn't he just have an affair? i wouldn't believe his claim. 12 pictures of an unknown girl? in MY mind, if MY husband was going through the same things, i would assume that this is his mistress and i would seperate myself to see where i wanted to be.
 
sterry said:
Name calling. My husband does not call me derogatory names. But showing photos of another person is very disrespectful. I can't get passed that.
Why would he want someone to think he is having an affair.
He talked about not feeling appreciated and respected.I told him he had to appreciate and respect himself first. And how is he doing this by having everyone believe that he is a dog, a coward.
I can not gather this story.
I think he is going through a mid life crisis. Perhaps he feels I dont desire him anymore, so he made up this outlandish story so he could feel like he still had it. Like he could still get the girl. He said he felt neglected and not needed. That he has done so much for me and I never stroke his ego.
Bull, You see. Now I know why I like that show "Snapped" He really doesn't like me watching that show. I think he is afraid I will find the one where the women got away with the crime and repeat it.
Click to expand...

If he felt neglected, not appreciated, etc., then why didn't he just talk to you about it? With family, home, your business, you have a very full plate. Are you supposed to read his mind? I have a problem with his answers - it seems he's not taking responsibility for his actions and instead is trying to imply that all this is your fault because he feels you neglected him, ignored him, etc. And he mentions how much he's done for you. Was it all just for you? Doesn't your entire family, in some way, receive benefit from the things he's done? And also aren't there things that you do for the family as well?

While I find his reasons and some of the things he said suspect, I am glad that you and he are at least talking. But he really needs to come clean. It is very common for men who have cheated to justify doing so by blaming their SO, saying they felt unwanted, unappreciated, etc. It seems to me if they really wanted the attention of their spouse, they would work within the marriage to solve the problem, and not involve a third party unless its a marriage professional. His reasoning just doesn't add up. If he's feeling neglected by you, then how would showing off pictures of another woman to his co-workers help? It might stroke his ego by having his co-workers think he's got a woman on the side, but that doesn't solve the problems at home. And why would he want to give anyone this type of impression? Is this who he wants to be? I don't get it. This just doesn't make sense.
 
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sterry said:
Name calling. My husband does not call me derogatory names. But showing photos of another person is very disrespectful. I can't get passed that.
Why would he want someone to think he is having an affair.
He talked about not feeling appreciated and respected. I told him he had to appreciate and respect himself first. And how is he doing this by having everyone believe that he is a dog, a coward.
I can not gather this story.
I think he is going through a mid life crisis. Perhaps he feels I dont desire him anymore, so he made up this outlandish story so he could feel like he still had it. Like he could still get the girl. He said he felt neglected and not needed. That he has done so much for me and I never stroke his ego.
Bull, You see. Now I know why I like that show "Snapped" He really doesn't like me watching that show. I think he is afraid I will find the one where the women got away with the crime and repeat it.
Click to expand...

I'm sorry. From several of your post it seemed that he was calling you names. I must of read those post wrong. I hope it all works out. Even if he felt that he was not desired he should of came to you first. IMO, he had no good reason to do what he did.
 
As the non-Christian in my marriage, I just want to provide a different perspective.

From the outside looking in I am often considered the culprit if something goes wrong, but I do have the advantage of being the woman.

Sterry, your husband complains of feeling neglected and under appreciated and you, yourself admit that you have quite a few priorities and he is often one of the last ones. YOu said that him saying all this is kinda bull but let me give you an example from my own marriage.

I told DH that he didn't make me feel wanted, and he said, just like you - bull, don't I reach for in bed, don't I always touch on you? I told him yes but that is a physical response that is not an emotional expression of your need for me. We then had some meaningful conversations about how to show me that he needed me.

Maybe your husband needs you to express your need or whatever differently than you do right now.

Now this by NO MEANS gives him a reason to do what he did, but you might want to at least acknowledge that he may not have gotten your full support in the past. Be it because he has gotten a bit pudgy, or because he is not committed to G-d or because he is not your child, whatever the reason, he is not one of your priorities.

With some work, you two can get back on the right road.
 
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:sad: sterry I am so sorry this is happening to you! :wallbash: Men continue behavior that they can get away with and it gets worse over time. Whenever you notice something is wrong, it is usually far more than you can imagine.

My advice:
#1 Know what you will tolerate - Whenever you are feeling overly emotional, start doing small multiplications in your head (1 x 2 =, 2 x 3 =, 3 x 3 =, etc.) before addressing him. This technique will allow you to speak clearly and factually. Remember when a man loves you, he also respects you. Always communicate so he will KNOW what you want and expect. Men somehow don't take hints well at all!

#2 Spend more time with male co-workers that you can communicate with and that find you attractive. Somehow men notice when you are spending time with other men. I'm NOT saying get involved or have an affair at all. We somehow gain more confidence whenever we are accompanied and complimented with the opposite sex. Remember you do not want this male friend

#3 Focus on keeping yourself happy and in excellent shape. Exercising is wonderful when dealing with stress. I usually jog a mile or get on the elliptical machine for about a mile. You can never go wrong with exercising anyway. Focusing on eating healthy as well

My DH started nonsense similar to this and these steps helped me tremendously. Now he's showing up at my job unannounced to have lunch with me, snuggling with me more than usual, calling and IMing me more than often. He's also rather sad but I don't care because he didn't care when he was hurting me. I just want to keep the respect coming. Again, this is what has worked for ME.:yep:
 
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You are going to have to 1st go into warfare. Get out your sword-word, put on your garment of praise, your breast plate of righteousness and kick the devil out. As his wife you need to stand in the gap and draw him to Christ with your actions - not words. I Peter 3:4

Have a discussion with him about how his actions are disrespecting you, your marriage and your children. Sometimes in a world of wrong we are have to be the only one right. Regardless of what his coworkers or friends are doing he can’t just follow along. If they jump off a building is he going to jump too? Would he want his son-in-laws doing this to his daughters? My husband has told me how vulgar some of his coworkers can be and nonsense they talk about. He has never brought that into out marriage. Neither has my brother in law or my dad. All men don’t do that.
Your marriage can be saved. You and he have some work to do.

Get into prayer. Give it to God and go to sleep. Im praying for you sis. :bighug:
 
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I gotta ask you to trust your instinct because no one know him like you do so follow your gut....Listen and think about what your feeling. I believe women are intuitive and its your intuition that will steer you but you got to make sure you are following it and not just your emotions at this moment.
 
Thanks ladies.

We talked again.
He said it was more like the guys knew he didn't do anything because it didn't fit his nature.
He claims as they were saying.....yeah man right like you did something he laughed it off.
He says it was just a joke. He didn't want me to take the blame for his actions. He knew it was wrong and understands.
He says the reason why no one talks about their wives this way is because wives and daughters are off limits when you are goofing off. He says he realized it was in bad taste and understands that if it was a boyfriend of our daughter or husband doing this he too would be pissed.
He told me to take whatever time I needed and it was up to him to make this right.
He just didn't think about the consequences.
 
((((hugs))))

I'm not married so I can't really offer advice. All I can say is that I am TEAM MARRIAGE and not team divorce.

So hope you work it out.
 
sterry said:
Thanks ladies.

We talked again.
He said it was more like the guys knew he didn't do anything because it didn't fit his nature.
He claims as they were saying.....yeah man right like you did something he laughed it off.
He says it was just a joke. He didn't want me to take the blame for his actions. He knew it was wrong and understands.
He says the reason why no one talks about their wives this way is because wives and daughters are off limits when you are goofing off. He says he realized it was in bad taste and understands that if it was a boyfriend of our daughter or husband doing this he too would be pissed.
He told me to take whatever time I needed and it was up to him to make this right.
He just didn't think about the consequences.
Click to expand...

I am glad things are starting to come together. One thing I'm sure he's learned from this experience is that you do not play! Again, I really admire how you confronted the situation and are working through it. And even though things are beginning to calm down, marital counseling somewhere down the road would be helpful.
 
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Your doing what you feel you need to do and whats best for you and your kids. You know the excuses he is given is just that excuses....he wants you to calm down and he will tell you everything, when initially there was nothing to tell?!.....If this has been going on for years then you need to ask yourself how much more are you willing to take? All the suggestions and advice the young ladies have provided in this thread, some (I wont say all) are on point but at the end of the day its going to be the decision you have chosen. I will say this, you should never say that you want to stay in a irreconcilable relationship for the kids because depending on their ages they may know more about the situation than you think they do and are hoping or praying themselves that you make the right decision.
 
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