Please Help My Marriage Is In Crisis! Adult Topic

[Zaynab]

I think everyone is giving really good advice here but I would take religion out of it. I see too many women staying in disrespectful marriages because of their religious beliefs and praying for a change. Yes, prayer works but If someone has an issue that needs to be seriously addressed, I'm going to praying and a whole lot of other things as well. Prayer would just be one tool I'd use. I agree she should pray for guidance but there is something going on here that goes beyond her praying, asking him out for a date night, etc. OP said she's been dealing with this for years. What "this" is, I'm not sure. But I do know that having a private life in a marriage is not acceptable. Yes, people have varied interests but it should not be anything that disrespects your partner and makes them feel uncomfortable.

I also don't believe that grown men are at work making up fantasy stories about women. They are either acting them out or discussing sexual things they've done with other women. Yes men talk about sex with each other but usually sexual escapades. Your dh might have some hidden secret life. I don't know but this is all very odd. I do know that a person can't stop doing something until they are able to even admit it. I would seek some counseling if possible. Good Luck OP, you really seem to be hurting.

 

[nomoweavesfome]

mmm-mm- if you are Christian for real - do not - I repeat do not take your belief in the Lord out of it at all what soever, nada - no can do- don't even try - nope- un - uh- you hear??? This is why the world is so messed up now with these liberalist attitudes which are taking us further and further away from the things of God. I do understand where the last poster is coming from however, - In other words don't be a fool - but God will not have you to be ignorant or be a fool. -
I think at this point you may need a break from all this and you may have given all the advice you can possible need right now from this aspect anyhow. Although it is healthy to get different points of view, what's ultimately important is the mental, physical and spiritual health of you and your babies. Once you have done all you can do - just stand. But you have to stand for something - or you'll fall for anything. So you will have to make a choice on what you will stand for and what you won't. The bible says to shake the dust off of your feet if those cannot receive you. Your husband is not willing to receive you(spritually speaking). My prayers has been lifted up before heaven for you and your babies.
**hugs and love**

 

[simone103]

To me it sounds like there's a part of him if not all that has checked out of this marriage. I would suggest counseling to him, and if he is unwilling to go - then you have your answer.

 

[sterry]

I went to see an attorney today.
He asked me where I was going?
Asked my I was doing this. Willing to break up the family when he has told me everything.
He has ulcers and asked me just to wait for a few days until I have calmed down.
His stomach was kiling him and sometimes they get to a point where they bleed.
He begged me just to wait and he will tell me everything.

Why I asked .......so you can cover your tracks and make up lies and have your buddies prepared?
The things is he could very well tell me the truth. But since he won't respond to my answer now what Im I to think.
Peace. He said....please give him a chance to rest and peace. We have been going at this all night.

All night? I don't want to live my life tip toeing through the house computer and checking and spying. What kind of marriage is that.
He says he loves me and will do whatever I want. If that means that he doesn't do lunch with the boys or concregate around them at the office he won't.
What bothers me is I have always considered him a smart man. He has always said his coworkers were jerks. So when did he start feeling the need to be part of all of this.?
He won't answer.
He has told me that he felt neglected,.....unwanted and unappreciated. We both own businesses and I own a family gym and personal train. But I don't know how to come to my wits end on this. I won't take the blame nor am I stupid. My concern is how he talks to the girls all the time about self esteem and being good women, strong women. Morals they should have. What a hyprocrite.
Thanks ladies

I can't go to my Gavin Degraw concert now. I can't even function.

 

[worthy2b]

Sterry, please be firm with him let him know what you won't allow and stick to it. Don't let him convince you he is just playing what if games with his boys. I let my husband off easy when I found questionable material on his computer and he went on to cheat. You need to put the fear of God in him so he knows that his wife don't play that.

I believe your marriage can be saved, he has to come clean and you have to let it go once you get all the info you requested.

Get counseling and move forward. I know it hurts and it will hurt for a while but be reminded what you are fighting for. You're not only fighting for your husband but for your family as well. Take some time and think. I will be praying for you.

Remember don't let him off lightly.

 

[gymfreak336]

Sterry, I hate that you are going through this. From the information you have shared in this thread, you two need serious marriage counseling. You both need a place to go and put it all out on the table with someone that can help guide you both. There is a reason we have trained professionals to help us help ourselves. You both need to go, put it out there, get to the root of the issue, and then decide on what you each want from there.

You said he says that he loves you but feels unwanted and neglected. How do you feel? Do you feel the same way in some aspects of your marriage. Often times, a couple both go through similar feelings but when there is a breakdown in communication, each partner deals with it in different ways. Going to counseling will help you all get the heart of the matter. Like another poster already said, if he not willing to go with you and work on it, then you have your answer.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

1- He has a problem with porn/adult material.

2- He has an issue with being secure enough within himself to need "to talk about other women" with men at work - if that's the truth. It sounds like he's bull shi...ing

3- A real man who sees this as an issue which tears you apart will eliminate the issue, no matter how hard it is to do, or make amends.

Attraction to the opposite sex is natural, the choice to look at adult material is personal, but the sexual spark that comes with looking at it is biologically reflexive - it will/can happen without a second thought. Consciously choosing to spark this reaction over and over can lead to addiction.

Many people look at porn, but a group of men sitting in a circle at work talking about their sexual reactions is beyond questionable- it's inappropriate for all of them, especially in the politically correct age.

I'm pro-porn as long as both parties have established guidelines for what is acceptable. If it's not acceptable to one person in the marriage, then it needs to be storngly discussed and respected. He might defend himself by saying "everyone does it," and "it's normal," but you can't allow that to fly. As Christians, you two are supposed to be held to a higher standard than the world, so you "don't do" what everyone else does.

If you don't like the porn, then be honest with yourself, and know why you don't like it. Also, make his options clear:

1- He can have it, but you better not find it.
2- He can't have it.
3- He needs help, no excuses and you'll separate or divorce him, etc.
4- Counseling, etc.

Truth be told, this will be a long, hard, nasty battle, but the most important thing you can do is pray and be strong. Stick to your decision. You might even feel that separation is in order to deal with the issue, because he refuses to budge until he sees your serious.

I wish you luck, because it's not something that everyone comes to the light about, but almost everyone deals with this at some point- with a friend, spouse, boyfriend, etc.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

I went to see an attorney today.
He asked me where I was going?
Asked my I was doing this. Willing to break up the family when he has told me everything.
He has ulcers and asked me just to wait for a few days until I have calmed down.
His stomach was kiling him and sometimes they get to a point where they bleed.
He begged me just to wait and he will tell me everything.

Why I asked .......so you can cover your tracks and make up lies and have your buddies prepared?
The things is he could very well tell me the truth. But since he won't respond to my answer now what Im I to think.
Peace. He said....please give him a chance to rest and peace. We have been going at this all night.

All night? I don't want to live my life tip toeing through the house computer and checking and spying. What kind of marriage is that.
He says he loves me and will do whatever I want. If that means that he doesn't do lunch with the boys or concregate around them at the office he won't.
What bothers me is I have always considered him a smart man. He has always said his coworkers were jerks. So when did he start feeling the need to be part of all of this.?
He won't answer.
He has told me that he felt neglected,.....unwanted and unappreciated. We both own businesses and I own a family gym and personal train. But I don't know how to come to my wits end on this. I won't take the blame nor am I stupid. My concern is how he talks to the girls all the time about self esteem and being good women, strong women. Morals they should have. What a hyprocrite.
Thanks ladies

I can't go to my Gavin Degraw concert now. I can't even function.

girl I know you want to run and hide under your bed, but you need to get up and keep moving. Don't let troubles in your marriage stop you. You are being strong by taking all the right steps. You ARE a strong woman, and you obviously see RIGHT through his bull. I am proud of you for that. We have your back here, and don't let his "medical" issues keep you from moving forward.

He has NO shame in his actions, just shame he was caught!!!! With that said, keeeeep it mooooooving on him. He's putting together more deception. Having been through this before with friends who've been in this mess... this situation is so sticky it's ridiculous sometimes.

ETA And what man handles feeling neglected by talking to MEN about his sexual desires?
And if he's talking to other women, if you don't know about it, it's INTENT to cheat... so he's already gone too far on you. I'm not saying you're scott-free... maybe you two have been ignoring deeper issues.

I find that porn/cheating, a lot of times, is simply where a manifestation of underlying problems reveals itself. It's easier to blame the porn and sex; it keeps you from looking deeper, but not forever with the right counseling.

 

[DragonPearl]

Crying and praying all night I feel crazy.
My husband has business lunches with his co workers. Some of them know me.
I don't see how he could do this and try to justify by saying all his co workers sit down and discuss their wives and fantasy relationships.
My husband is farthest from being a Christian. We have always had problems with this, but he has never deterred me from teaching my girls through God's word. They adore him.
He had about 12 small shots of her.
I asked him serveral times if he slept with her......if he met her. He said, Im not going to do this. I told you over again. I was stupid and a jerk.
But he did not answer the question. Got mad and said he was leaving. He just needed some rest and would discuss it later. He was not one to go on and on about a subject.
It was as if I did something to him.
He kept stating I have answered your question. I will not do this.
It is a simple yes or no.
Someone please help me.

If my husband had 12 small shots of some woman that he knows, he'd have some serious 'splaining to do. He wouldn't be punking me into making me feel guilty or stupid or overreacting.

Well, first of all, you need to get your mind straight and strong. I know you're in pain and afraid for your relationship, but these feelings will not lead you into the right place. Desperation can make us act like fool. What will lead you into the right place is a healthy sense of self-preservation. You need to take care of YOU and your children first. If your husband will not see a counselor with you, then you see one that can help you navigate these troubled waters and take the course of action that will be right for you.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

Sounds like HE'S almost playing the victim here. Whatever you do, don't allow him to make YOU feel guilty for needing concrete and detailed answers to your very legitimate questions. He's the one that has messed up, not you. If anything, he should be working overtime to put your mind at ease for the trouble his actions have caused. .

Exactly. I've experienced things like this... and when someone tries to point the finger at you first, they're trying to distract you from what they've done.

There's no way in hell he didn't do something, in my opinion. He just figured he could B.S. you with some jive mess.

There are plenty of men who aren't christian... who aren't into porn... for one reason or another... and just don't deal with things the way "everyone else" does.

Anyone whose excuse is "everyone else" or "All men do it..." is simply displaying how weak they are mentally. You can't stand on your own? If you like it, say you like it! Don't make it like you're abnormal if you abstain from the common bull

ETA: His indifference means he's indifferent or he thinks you won't go anywhere. My first boyfriend did that to me when I found evidence and refused to answer. Some men think acting "stone cold" will somehow make them seem more manly and less involved. If you cut him off completely, he might cave

 

[DragonPearl]

I went to see an attorney today.
He asked me where I was going?
Asked my I was doing this. Willing to break up the family when he has told me everything.
He has ulcers and asked me just to wait for a few days until I have calmed down.
His stomach was kiling him and sometimes they get to a point where they bleed.
He begged me just to wait and he will tell me everything.

Why I asked .......so you can cover your tracks and make up lies and have your buddies prepared?
The things is he could very well tell me the truth. But since he won't respond to my answer now what Im I to think.
Peace. He said....please give him a chance to rest and peace. We have been going at this all night.

All night? I don't want to live my life tip toeing through the house computer and checking and spying. What kind of marriage is that.
He says he loves me and will do whatever I want. If that means that he doesn't do lunch with the boys or concregate around them at the office he won't.
What bothers me is I have always considered him a smart man. He has always said his coworkers were jerks. So when did he start feeling the need to be part of all of this.?
He won't answer.
He has told me that he felt neglected,.....unwanted and unappreciated. We both own businesses and I own a family gym and personal train. But I don't know how to come to my wits end on this. I won't take the blame nor am I stupid. My concern is how he talks to the girls all the time about self esteem and being good women, strong women. Morals they should have. What a hyprocrite.
Thanks ladies

I can't go to my Gavin Degraw concert now. I can't even function.

Okay. He seems to be wanting to work things out. That's a start.

Counseling will create a safe space where things can be discussed. Good luck with everything. It's a good thing you're being pro-active and letting him know you are not going to close your eyes to what does not feel right.

 

[Almaz]

Get counseling because I always thought that MARRIED men's Private lives are with their wives. Not ALL men do this and that should not be an excuse for emotional adultery which can escalate into physical sometimes. This is wrong HE is wrong and he is SURELY wrong for getting salty if you bring it up. Okay this is a red flag right there.

Seek Help

 

[Tylers-mom]

Sorry that you're going through this. All I can say is counseling might be in order. Good Luck.

 

[envybeauty]

Kudos to you!!!! You come across as standing strong through all of this and you are thinking of your daughters.

Far too many women question their relationship and they don't think how this is all playing out in front of their daughters. They need to see a mother/wife being proactive in her relationship so that they will know to be proactive in theirs.

Thumbs up girlfriend!!!! You are exploring your options, seeking out counsel, and analyzing what he says in an intelligent manner.

However you handle this, I'm sure *YOU* will be ok.

I went to see an attorney today.
He asked me where I was going?
Asked my I was doing this. Willing to break up the family when he has told me everything.
He has ulcers and asked me just to wait for a few days until I have calmed down.
His stomach was kiling him and sometimes they get to a point where they bleed.
He begged me just to wait and he will tell me everything.

Why I asked .......so you can cover your tracks and make up lies and have your buddies prepared?
The things is he could very well tell me the truth. But since he won't respond to my answer now what Im I to think.
Peace. He said....please give him a chance to rest and peace. We have been going at this all night.

All night? I don't want to live my life tip toeing through the house computer and checking and spying. What kind of marriage is that.
He says he loves me and will do whatever I want. If that means that he doesn't do lunch with the boys or concregate around them at the office he won't.
What bothers me is I have always considered him a smart man. He has always said his coworkers were jerks. So when did he start feeling the need to be part of all of this.?
He won't answer.
He has told me that he felt neglected,.....unwanted and unappreciated. We both own businesses and I own a family gym and personal train. But I don't know how to come to my wits end on this. I won't take the blame nor am I stupid. My concern is how he talks to the girls all the time about self esteem and being good women, strong women. Morals they should have. What a hyprocrite.
Thanks ladies

I can't go to my Gavin Degraw concert now. I can't even function.

 

[onyxdreams]

Good for you,taking matters in your own hands. If nothing else he will think twice when trying to pull this stunt again. Just make sure you follow up with whatever threat you make. Counseling definitely sounds good but make sure all your questions are answered to your satisfaction! Your daugthers and you are the priority in this matter. Stay strong!

 

[sterry]

Ladies,

Thank you so much for the advice. I am so upset and he did come to me.


Ladies I am not a rug. I refused to be trampled upon. We have had our ups and down. But I do not want to break my girls hearts. Especially the little one. She is a true "Daddies Girl" I think it will crush her and I am not prepared to do so.

The Lord is wonderful because he always brings things to the light. I wasn't even looking for anything. I had never touched that PD before. And there it was.
I did broke the hell out of that PD ......not to brag because that was destructive and I should have not allowed Satan to take me there.

I don't feel neglected. My husband has always been affectionate, compassionate and kind. He never complains. I must admit that I have pushed him aside. I have my own demons to contend with. I exercise and run my business, but always felt as though he understood this was a part of life.
I have always had my children with me. I started out homeschooling and didn't set foot into the gymnasium for years. I had someone else manage it. He knew it was a concern for me to have hands on knowledge of what was going on so he had an office built big enough with all the commodities to take the girls and homeschool, run the business when I wasn't training.
Never complains. I am like a Jada Pinkett type. About 5'0 and weight 103. Even after two kids and 40 years. I can be snippy. I have always had a sharp tongue, and cut hard when we argue. No profanity, just sarcastic.
I can look back and say I had really indulge myself in my God, my girls and then him.
Maybe he is resentful.
But by no means is this an excuse. I have to weight my options.
Thanks again

 

[kayte]

I went to see an attorney today.
He asked me where I was going?
Asked my I was doing this. Willing to break up the family when he has told me everything.
He has ulcers and asked me just to wait for a few days until I have calmed down.
His stomach was kiling him and sometimes they get to a point where they bleed.
He begged me just to wait and he will tell me everything.

So he was bluffing with that whole divorce talk...
do you want ....well if it's what you want
until you acted on it and it scared him

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF..then you can deal with this

Can you stay at a friend's or relative's for a few days?
with your daughters or take a short weekend to five days?
AWAY just to clear YOUR head....

get out of the vortex for a minute?

have your talk wth a divorce lawyer..
& why not HOPE FOR THE BEST..which means
talk about the possibilty of a legal separation with
a reconciliation in view

Counseling is MANDATORY for you first
you need support..get your own therapist
then couple counseling for you both

When you take a few days away
ask your man two things
is he willing to go to any lengths to save your marriage
and if so WHAT ARE THEY
you tell him....it's MORE than dismissing pictures ..
what is he WILLING TO DO....and tell him NOT to tell you right then
but he is to THINK about WHAT HE IS WILLING TO DO

and YOU get clear on what YOU need from HIM
because your old relationship is gone.....that's over
Maybe a new and better one might emerge from this pain
newer honesty and let's hope for that...

but an understadning may not be possible right now with being in the middle of all of this...............

that's why counseling will help you sort out your
feelings..SET NEW BOUNDARIES
Don't try to do this alone
hugs...
& so sorry,dear.

I do have a feeling your strong spirit and God
will get you through this...
praying for you

 

[donna894]

.....

I do have a feeling your strong spirit and God
will get you through this...
praying for you

Amen to that.

Look how he changed his tune when he saw that you had contacted an attorney. I truly admire how, despite your pain, you are standing strong for your marriage and family. This is shaking him up and he needs it. I'm joining the other ladies here and keeping you and your precious family in my prayers.

 

[kayte]

I would not make any decisions AT ALL ... either way..
going to the divorce attorney should be just to gather information at this point
and to make your husband aware of the seriousness of your intent
and consequences of his questionable behaviors
if he does tell you what happened I would not engage in anything heated

I would listen ..ask questions...ask more questions and let him know you need to think
and tell him of course you are very hurt...that would be it
dont offer more opinions or anything..even if you think he is lying again..
don't get into it
RIGHT NOW..he is NOT the one to process this through
because you two need to learn to trust again and this is best through a trusted third party..to give and process this info

and if you go away for a few days
if you can with your girls...it should be at a supportive loving enviroment
where you can pray..dote on your children and and return in a more peaceful serene state..

hths

 

[natural2008]

Still awake,
He keeps telling me that there is nothing wrong. That all men have a private life. He has not been unfaithfull.

Girl don't let this man tell you that all men have a private life becasuse this is so not true. I hope work everything out. I am not one to tell anyone to do in a relationshio because you are going to do what you want to do but my grandma always say, "whats the point of staying with a person and not being happy, you can do bad by yourself." Your children will have to understand. Life is too short for you to be unhappy while he is having his cake and eating it too, cause it sounds like he is having his cake. MY finace does not dare have no pictures of no other woman in his phone but is momma niece and me. He knows better than that S*^t.

 

[natural2008]

Ladies,


The Lord is wonderful because he always brings things to the light. I wasn't even looking for anything. I had never touched that PD before. And there it was.
I did broke the hell out of that PD ......not to brag because that was destructive and I should have not allowed Satan to take me there.

Girl Satan did not take you there your instincts did and as a parent you know with children if something does not feel right it is not right and in this situation something is not right. Counseling may help yes but often times I find that when you go to a pastor for counseling things can get a bit biased and a pastor is really not going to to give it to you like you need hear it. If you do seek counseling go for a marriage and family therapist who has gone to school to council women in a situation such as this. Good luck .

 

[Farida]

Guys who like to look at girls for pleasure usually have random pics of women they don't know. I don't agree with that behavior, but that's what they do, look at celebs, porn stars, etc.

Not women they met.

My advice would be to calm down. Crying, hysteria, accusations will not help. Get a person you both trust, such as a pastor, an elder, or a counselor. Meet and talk things out.

 

[MissJ]

He is so cheating or thinking about it. I've been there and know all the signs. Anyway, do NOT believe his story about that being something that the guys at work are doing. My dad tried to do the same thing when he got caught. The problem was he hadn't even been to work. We had all been out shopping, so his explanation did not hold water.

sterry, I think I remember you posting a picture of your daughter's hair on the hair board. Is she mixed, and if so is your husband from the Phillipines or some place like that? Could he possibly be trying to "get back to his roots?" Just asking because my ex did something similar. My ex was from a different country, and when he started cheating, he cheated with some girls who were from "back home."

 

[Demi27]

I am not married either, so I don't really have a lot of advice.
The only thing that concerns me (other than the obvious) is the fact that he's called you a jerk and a moron (based on your earlier post). I don't take likely to people calling me names, and you shouldn't either. That in itself is another red flag.

I just want to let you know I'm keeping you in my prayers.

 

[sky_blu]

No advice to give but I wanted to say Im sorry this is happening to you

 

[sterry]

He is so cheating or thinking about it. I've been there and know all the signs. Anyway, do NOT believe his story about that being something that the guys at work are doing. My dad tried to do the same thing when he got caught. The problem was he hadn't even been to work. We had all been out shopping, so his explanation did not hold water.

sterry, I think I remember you posting a picture of your daughter's hair on the hair board. Is she mixed, and if so is your husband from the Phillipines or some place like that? Could he possibly be trying to "get back to his roots?" Just asking because my ex did something similar. My ex was from a different country, and when he started cheating, he cheated with some girls who were from "back home."

Yes, my husband is Causcacian. He does work over in the Phillipines at times because this is were his business partner is from.
I really do believe my husband has no preference in the color of women.
I did leave. Took my girls and told him I would be back when I could think clearly. I feel better already just getting out of the environment.
I broke down and told my friend of 17 years.
I was scared because they are strong Christians very strict in their practices and thier children have been friends with my girls since they were born. She understood me.
I feel bad because I am concern about how they will think of him now.
Trust me I will be no fool where this is concerned. I needed to get away and pray and think.

 

[GeorginaSparks]

Yes, my husband is Causcacian. He does work over in the Phillipines at times because this is were his business partner is from.
I really do believe my husband has no preference in the color of women.
I did leave. Took my girls and told him I would be back when I could think clearly. I feel better already just getting out of the environment.
I broke down and told my friend of 17 years.
I was scared because they are strong Christians very strict in their practices and thier children have been friends with my girls since they were born. She understood me.
I feel bad because I am concern about how they will think of him now.
Trust me I will be no fool where this is concerned. I needed to get away and pray and think.

You're an inspiration. Sorry i have no advice but wanted to give *hugs*

 

[Lady S]

Yes, my husband is Causcacian. He does work over in the Phillipines at times because this is were his business partner is from.
I really do believe my husband has no preference in the color of women.
I did leave. Took my girls and told him I would be back when I could think clearly. I feel better already just getting out of the environment.
I broke down and told my friend of 17 years.
I was scared because they are strong Christians very strict in their practices and thier children have been friends with my girls since they were born. She understood me.
I feel bad because I am concern about how they will think of him now.
Trust me I will be no fool where this is concerned. I needed to get away and pray and think.

Don't feel bad, Sterry. Your friends are there to love and support you in your time of need. All you did was tell the truth. If they look at him in a negative manner, it's not because of anything you've done. Don't let his obsession with how people view him keep you from taking care of yourself and your kids.

I am really sorry that you're going through all this turmoil. My heart goes out to you.

 

[prettyFine]

Yes, my husband is Causcacian. He does work over in the Phillipines at times because this is were his business partner is from.
I really do believe my husband has no preference in the color of women.
I did leave. Took my girls and told him I would be back when I could think clearly. I feel better already just getting out of the environment.
I broke down and told my friend of 17 years.
I was scared because they are strong Christians very strict in their practices and thier children have been friends with my girls since they were born. She understood me.
I feel bad because I am concern about how they will think of him now.
Trust me I will be no fool where this is concerned. I needed to get away and pray and think.

if you don't mind my asking what did he admit or tell you when he came to you? based on him saying he needed peace it sounded much more than cheating. i wondered if he got someone pregnant or was in some type of immoral situation. it all sounded odd. nevertheless i will ask God to bless you with strength direction and clarity. and yes use ur common sense but at the same time never take God out of this or any situation.

 

[envybeauty]

Yes, my husband is Causcacian. He does work over in the Phillipines at times because this is were his business partner is from.
I really do believe my husband has no preference in the color of women.
I did leave. Took my girls and told him I would be back when I could think clearly. I feel better already just getting out of the environment.
I broke down and told my friend of 17 years.
I was scared because they are strong Christians very strict in their practices and thier children have been friends with my girls since they were born. She understood me.
I feel bad because I am concern about how they will think of him now.
Trust me I will be no fool where this is concerned. I needed to get away and pray and think.

You did the right thing in opening up to your friend. Too often, we all try to act like we are strong, have everything under control, and can handle any situation on our own. Well, to grow in any situation you have to be vulnerable and let down your guard so that you will be able to receive new information, thoughts, etc. Even just to get a shoulder to cry on we have to break down our own walls.


You shouldn't feel bad. Fatherhood is on him. You just have to explain (in your own way) that there are different types of relationships in the world and that at any one point, we all have different relationships. Being a good dad is different from being a good husband. Much like being a good sister is different from being a good daughter. Being a good dad is on HIM. It is up to HIM to be a good dad. Just because the two of you may have separated does not mean he cannot be a good father to his daughters. He can still call them. Tell them that he loves them. Comfort their fears. Buy them dolls.

That is up to HIM and not you. Being a good husband is between you and him alone - not you, him, and the kids (IMO). Marriage is an adult relationship and something for the two of you to navigate. Fatherhood is the relationship he has with his kids. Both don't have to be mutually exclusive but they can be independent. The BEST mother on earth cannot turn a man into a good father if he doesn't want to be one. So, don't feel bad. He can be a GREAT father to his kids even if he is a lousy husband but that is for him to decide -- not you.