Open Marriages

[Country gal]

Listening to the Monique show and she admits to having an open marriage with her husband. Has anyone known of someone who had an open marriage or has one?

Monique was mentioning that you should discuss open marriage initally before getting married. She gave some examples, like a black ski trip or trip to the islands and you might want to get a little something something.

 

[hopeful]

I think that is ridiculous and nasty. Why not just date? Why even bother getting married? And what about the children?

 

[Bunny77]

I consider the 3-7 p.m. period in which Mo'Nique and Michael Baisden air as the coonin' hours on the radio.

Just sayin...

 

[MD_Lady]

Wow. I'm not in an open marriage and it would never be an option for me. Oh well, to each their own I suppose...

 

[MD_Lady]

I consider the 3-7 p.m. period in which Mo'Nique and Michael Baisden air as the coonin' hours on the radio.

Just sayin...

 

[MD_Lady]

I think that is ridiculous and nasty. Why not just date? Why even bother getting married? And what about the children?

And that would be my question... I'll cut consenting adults some slack for having a "non-traditional" relationship, but monogamy/committment have always been all or nothing in my book so I can't wrap my brain around straddling the fence.

 

[TCatt86]

I consider the 3-7 p.m. period in which Mo'Nique and Michael Baisden air as the coonin' hours on the radio.

Just sayin...

So instead of saying she and her husband cheat on each other she calls it an open marriage? If they are just going off and having other people than really why didn't they just stay single and date each other. We as women can be so delusional sometimes.

 

[dlewis]

I'm to selfish for that. I have never seen this work. I bet her husband brought this idea to her.

 

[Syrah]

I'll just say this - what we on the outside view as open marriages and how open marriages actually work in reality are probably very different.

...don't be so quick to judge something you don't understand and haven't taken the time to understand (and for good reason if it doesn't fit into your realm of acceptability).

 

[Country gal]

I consider the 3-7 p.m. period in which Mo'Nique and Michael Baisden air as the coonin' hours on the radio.

Just sayin...

u wrong for that. I listen to Monuique or Baisden becasue I like the afternoon radio programs before they come on so I just keep the station on. Better than hearing lil wayne or Tpain on repeat.

 

[MizAvalon]

I used to work with a woman that had an open "with rules" marriage. She and her husband believe that monogamy is not natural for animals, so why bother denying your natural urges.

The "rules" part is that if one of them wants to be with someone else, the other has to agree and give their approval. It's not all willy-nilly where you just do whatever you want, whenever you want.

They are married because they are in love and want to spend their entire lives together. They have been married for almost 20 years now and are very happy.

 

[Country gal]

I'll just say this - what we on the outside view as open marriages and how open marriages actually work in reality are probably very different.

...don't be so quick to judge something you don't understand and haven't taken the time to understand (and for good reason if it doesn't fit into your realm of acceptability).

Syrah- can you provide perspective? I wanted to have an open discussion.

 

[MizAvalon]

I consider the 3-7 p.m. period in which Mo'Nique and Michael Baisden air as the coonin' hours on the radio.

Just sayin...

 

[Bunny77]

u wrong for that. I listen to Monuique or Baisden becasue I like the afternoon radio programs before they come on so I just keep the station on. Better than hearing lil wayne or Tpain on repeat.

I admit, I do listen to them both sometimes! It's a guilty pleasure!

But sometimes, it just gets too stupid... when some woman calls talking about how she now loves herself after having four kids by five drug dealers... lawd lawd lawd!!!

(Meanwhile, she's dating drug dealer no. 6...)

As for the actual topic of open marriage, if BOTH people are down, what can I say? But like someone else said, I BET that 99% of the time, the man is bringing it up and the woman goes along, cause he's just a man, you know? Better they "know" he's steppin' out then cheating... yeah, okay.

 

[vestaluv1]

Open marriage = Oxymoron

 

[Syrah]

Syrah- can you provide perspective? I wanted to have an open discussion.

I can't from direct experience but I do have 2 friends who have both been in open relationships (one married, one dating - preparing for engagement). They view sex as an activity that can stimulate passion in various aspects of life and for various parties - not just the active participants. It's not only a physical act that 2 people embark on to deepen a connection, but an aspect of spirituality that has physical roots (if that makes sense).

Honestly, my girl, who's married and her husband are two of the most passionate people I've ever met. To this end, they exude the passion for life and self confidence that you rarely see or experience. A level of self acceptance that isn't based on external influences.

How do they do it?

A) They've committed to 100% honesty. They can mention the urges and attractions that they're having. To the point where my girl, a lawyer, was really attracted to one of her interns - she and I talked about it - and eventually she and her husband talked about it. Together they decided that this posed a threat to their relationship, due to the NATURE of her attraction, and within months she was able to transfer to a different office. Proactive.

B) No they don't invite anybody and everybody into their bed. They are actually QUITE selective. And the actions are agreed upon BEFORE they take place, not after. It's not like "honey, today at lunch, I signed for a UPS package...oh yea, I effed the UPS lady!". Nah, it's something that is discussed.

C) As far as I know there have been 2 people they've invited into their relationship (both female) and these people have been consistent participants in their relationship prior to marriage, at different times, and were at the wedding. And sometimes when we get together as friends, both of these chicas are there.

They've been married going on 4 years and dated for 7 before getting married (high school and college sweethearts).

----------------------------
I highly doubt I could ever take it that far. Actually I know I couldn't. It takes a certain level of self-acceptance and trust that I simply don't possess. But I think there is something there in the recognition that vows before friends and family (and God, if you're spiritual about it) and a marriage license do not result in immediate changes. It's on a whole different level, but females who assume after getting married that their man will have eyes for her and only her are dillusional and stupid IMO.

 

[MochaEyeCandy]

Monogamy isn't natural...if it was, people wouldn't have such a problem being monogamous, it would come naturally. Open marriage? I'm not the one. I don't get it, but to each their own. Doesn't affect me personally, so I don't really care. It breaks my heart when children are involved. I know a few couples who had open relationships/marriages, and it's never been a matter of if it gets messy, but when. It's not fair to put kids through the fallout that inevitably ensues.

 

[Syrah]

With Will and Jada - I would love to know how many times they've acted on the openness of their relationship.

Andrei Kirilenko (Utah Jazz) and his wife have an open relationship - and last time I saw an HBO documentary, they had been together for 3 and married for another 4 and either had yet to act on it.

Just because there's an agreement doesn't mean its exercised. Sometimes I wonder if its knowing that you can, should you discuss it, that gives more reason NOT to.

In other words, some of "affairs" is the excitement, the adrenalin, the "wow this is new and different" rather than a connection between two people. I wonder if by dampening that possibility by excitement, it kills some of the attraction. I don't know.

It's not for me, but I would love to sit with an open couple and ask no-holds-bar questions...

 

[tiara76]

I know a few people in open marriages and its more along the lines of what Syrah posted, actually alot along the lines.....sex, sexualilty, passion, living and love are things alot of people have no clue of what it really is...we know what selfishness, jealousy, limiting, binding, trapping, settling and immobolizing is (alot of us refer to alot of those same things as love ironically)...

one couple who are close friends of mine have been married 18 years and were childhood sweethearts and have 3 boys.....the wife is bi so she usually has a female and they usually have relationships where all parties are well aware of what goes on....the husband rarely has other relationships, but over the years there have been times where he has had his time with other women, but the wife whose current female is also married...both husband allow them one weekend a month or something along those lines to spend time together.....sometimes the husband may join in on a threesome, but most times not.....they are very open, very honest and very much in love...there is no lack of passion between her and her husband and he is the man of the house....they have such chemistry and dynamics together its amazing and their love is so strong they say they never worry about their bond being broken....and with me understanding that love is limitless and boundless I don't have a problem believing them or thinking something is wrong with them...

the other couples I know, I havent got as in depth with them as the above mentioned but they are thriving and passionate and still together as well

one couple's only issues and stress come from their money problems...


I do think there are couples where both parties aren't entirely sold on the idea or into it completely but "try" to be a part of it for the benefit of their partner either the husband or the wife who wants the relationship to be so, and then so being....there is still a lack of honesty if one is pretending to be okay with something even when things are open and on the table.....and in that sense they are cheating themselves and the other person if they aren't being completely honest

its not for everybody
it can be the best type of relationship for certain folks or the worst type of one for others

 

[tiara76]

With Will and Jada - I would love to know how many times they've acted on the openness of their relationship.

Andrei Kirilenko (Utah Jazz) and his wife have an open relationship - and last time I saw an HBO documentary, they had been together for 3 and married for another 4 and either had yet to act on it.

Just because there's an agreement doesn't mean its exercised. Sometimes I wonder if its knowing that you can, should you discuss it, that gives more reason NOT to.

In other words, some of "affairs" is the excitement, the adrenalin, the "wow this is new and different" rather than a connection between two people. I wonder if by dampening that possibility by excitement, it kills some of the attraction. I don't know.

It's not for me, but I would love to sit with an open couple and ask no-holds-bar questions...

I was just explaining to my friend the allowance of freedom and how liberating it is to people, how really loving a gesture that is....when people simply have the choice and freedom to do what they want without somebody trying to hold them back...often times that is enough...especially if they like where they are....think of how magnificent and strong a relationship really is when there is the option to step out...not only step out and leave if you really want to, but the option to step out, leave and be able to come back

and simply choose not to go because you really DONT WANT TO GO ANYWHERE else.. where you are at is where you are thriving the most

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

Open marriages are for those that know they can't stay committed and loyal to the one they've married.

 

[Princess4real]

I consider the 3-7 p.m. period in which Mo'Nique and Michael Baisden air as the coonin' hours on the radio.

Just sayin...

 

[drasgrl]

Monogamy isn't natural...if it was, people wouldn't have such a problem being monogamous, it would come naturally. Open marriage? I'm not the one. I don't get it, but to each their own. Doesn't affect me personally, so I don't really care. It breaks my heart when children are involved. I know a few couples who had open relationships/marriages, and it's never been a matter of if it gets messy, but when. It's not fair to put kids through the fallout that inevitably ensues.

I do agree with that to a point but we are not like animals and can choose to be monogomous if we want. If you feel like you can't resist temptation fine just be honest about it so the other person can make a chioce whether they want to continue with that.

I wish people would be honest with their partners instead of trying to hide it or sneak around or even worse bring a not so pleasent surprise back with them. It might be hard to hear that your partner wants to cheat but I'd rather they come to me first instead of all the drama and heartache on the back end. Not saying I'd want an open marrige but I can see how being totally honest about it is better.

If two people decide that's what they want for their relationship who am I to judge. If it works for them great.

 

[ShaniKeys]

With Will and Jada - I would love to know how many times they've acted on the openness of their relationship.

Andrei Kirilenko (Utah Jazz) and his wife have an open relationship - and last time I saw an HBO documentary, they had been together for 3 and married for another 4 and either had yet to act on it.

Just because there's an agreement doesn't mean its exercised. Sometimes I wonder if its knowing that you can, should you discuss it, that gives more reason NOT to.

In other words, some of "affairs" is the excitement, the adrenalin, the "wow this is new and different" rather than a connection between two people. I wonder if by dampening that possibility by excitement, it kills some of the attraction. I don't know.

It's not for me, but I would love to sit with an open couple and ask no-holds-bar questions...

So they really have an open marriage?!

 

[Princess4real]

I do agree with that to a point but we are not like animals and can choose to be monogomous if we want. If you feel like you can't resist temptation fine just be honest about it so the other person can make a chioce whether they want to continue with that.

I wish people would be honest with their partners instead of trying to hide it or sneak around or even worse bring a not so pleasent surprise back with them. It might be hard to hear that your partner wants to cheat but I'd rather they come to me first instead of all the drama and heartache on the back end. Not saying I'd want an open marrige but I can see how being totally honest about it is better.

If two people decide that's what they want for their relationship who am I to judge. If it works for them great.

Good post!

 

[SleekandBouncy]

I used to work with a woman that had an open "with rules" marriage. She and her husband believe that monogamy is not natural for animals, so why bother denying your natural urges.

The "rules" part is that if one of them wants to be with someone else, the other has to agree and give their approval. It's not all willy-nilly where you just do whatever you want, whenever you want.

They are married because they are in love and want to spend their entire lives together. They have been married for almost 20 years now and are very happy.

I don't have a problem with people who choose to have open marriages, however I take issue with the overused and invalid "animals don't mate for life so we weren't meant to either" approach to validating open marriages.

There are animals that mate for life so logically we have no more reason to believe we were meant to be part of the majority of animals (that don't mate for life) or the minority esp. since we already exhibit behavior not emulated by many other animals. It's possible we were designed for the flexibility born from individual choice and that means both lifestyle choices could be equally "natural" or not.

 

[Syrah]

I know a few people in open marriages and its more along the lines of what Syrah posted, actually alot along the lines.....sex, sexualilty, passion, living and love are things alot of people have no clue of what it really is...we know what selfishness, jealousy, limiting, binding, trapping, settling and immobolizing is (alot of us refer to alot of those same things as love ironically)...

Wow. Food for thought...

 

[dannie]

Open marriage huh? Really? That just says "we like each other alot and went thru the legal process, but if a piece of tempting arse comes along all bets are off"

Heck no! Just dont get married then. Point. blank. period. Its stuipd.

Defeats the whole point of marriage. An eternal commit to always uphold your union despite interference from any man.

Its wishy washy and shows no sense of self control.

Honestly, I feel like 1 spouse pushes this concept and the other goes along with it, because they want a lil' bit of their partner than nothing at all. Because I cant see two commited people in love agreeing to this madness.

 

[Syrah]

So they really have an open marriage?!

From what I've heard, yes. But again, to what extent their relationship through ACTION is "open" remains to be seen.

You have to remember, "open" marriages are nothing more than a stipulation, until there's actions taken.

 

[Syrah]

I don't have a problem with people who choose to have open marriages, however I take issue with the overused and invalid "animals don't mate for life so we weren't meant to either" approach to validating open marriages.

There are animals that mate for life so logically we have no more reason to believe we were meant to be part of the majority of animals (that don't mate for life) or the minority esp. since we already exhibit behavior not emulated by many other animals. It's possible we were designed for the flexibility born from individual choice and that means both lifestyle choices could be equally "natural" or not.

What's natural, for humans, is the choice, not the subjugation and blame-the-biology excuse.

And that's the thing I've found. The 2 folks that I know who are open relationships are more in touch with their selves than 99% of the people that I meet. They can tell you EXACTLY why they got married... how many married people can really truly do that openly and honestly, without fear of judgment? Shoot...how many people can sit with their partners and discuss why they really truly got married, without fear of judgment?

What I DO like about open relationships are the steps that 2 people take to define what their relationship will mean to each other - not society, or the IRS man, God, or mom and dad or the couple down the street, but to each other. I think these are steps that are so often forgotten in relationships. Folks operate under assumptions, especially the assumption that their partner feels the same way, when in reality, thats not the case.