***Online Dating Support Thread***

[ScorpioLove]

Been talking to this guy from pof. I am trying not to like him cause he lives 3 hrs away. I didnt even notice until he said where he went to school.

He is a gemini and we not compatible according to our signs, but we get along so well. He kept me laughing all night. I havent really vibed with somone like this in a while. Helps that he is cute AND smart. I want to meet him soon but I am def not the one going anywhere. He is in his last semester of college so idk.
Oh and latin guy is always in some "meeting" i am just like um ok

 

[Incognitus]

Ok ladies, I know this is kinda long, but can someone please chime in on the messages I've been exchanging. I've been out of the dating game for so long, I feel unsure of myself. For brevity sake, I'm going to snip the insignificant parts. The majority of the parts I've snipped are long paragraphs, mainly about history and international relations.

Him: Hello, we seem to have some good things in common. I'd like to get to know you. Where in the Caribbean are you from?

Me: Wow, I was just sitting here smiling as I read your profile and responses to the OKC questions. I, too, noticed that we have many points in common. My family is a island mix of...[snipped]....What instruments do you play? ...[snipped]...Well, I'm in MI temporarily. I just graduated ...[snipped]. Did you grow up in Tampa?

I must say, I was impressed to see how you mentioned Christianity as more than a mere title to claim. It's very important to me to date a true Christian man, and (ideally) for our faith to grow together.

Him: I understand the Haiti/DR mix but Cuba? Please elaborate.
Yes, we do share interests in music of course our backgrounds would indicate that in of itself. I play guitar and percussion.
My name is xxxx, I'm pleased to make your acquaintance.

Me: Hahaha.. Well, on my mother's side, her family moved...[snipped].
I'm xxxxx, and the pleasure is all mine (well, maybe not "all" mine - lol).

Him: Interesting, it is usually the other way around. [snipped].
Have you been home to xxxxx? Where in xxxxx are you from? I've been once.

Me: Yeah, I don't know too many cases of people...[snipped].
Yes, I've been to xxxxx on many occasions. I was actually born in xxxxxx, but spent many summers there. My family in [snipped]. What part did you travel to and why, if you don't mind me asking?
I'm curious, what is the "other" language that you speak?

Him: I have a close friend who is from the D.R. and I am a big historian so ...[snipped]...we went into Haiti to checkout what I believe to be the mecca of American Independence.

I speak English, Spanish, Arabic and Tamajaq and I have somewhat of a working understanding of Portuguese, French and Haitian Patios.

Me: Heck, you've gone to a few locations I have wanted to visit for quite some time now. How was your overall experience?
[snipped]
Actually, you've motivated me to conduct a little background research on Veracrus, Mexico's role. I must admit I'm not well versed in that regard.

Your profile mentioned your were a teacher. What subject do/did you teach?

Him: I teach...[snipped - 4 thick paragraphs about the revolutions of various countries]
I love many things about Haiti. The people is what I love most. Still, there is much about Haiti that saddened me.


I almost feel as thought I'm having a conversation with someone sitting next to me on along plane ride. I just don't feel any emotion in his words. Plus, I feel like he's not really asking me much about myself. We've been going back and forth since Friday. Is he just seeking conversation? I'm confused. I'm asking for your 2cents, 5cents, 10 cents, dollar....lol.

 

[SamandI]

Incognitus IMO you came off in the beginning as being toooooo eager and basically running the convo. The unfortunate thing about online is that the only thing the other person had to form an opinion are your words. Sometimes your intents don't come off clearly in text.

 

[missjones]

Signed back up for Match.com. I did meet a couple of guys on there last time so we'll see what happens. Nothing has been happening with OKCupid .

 

[Incognitus]

SamandI. Thank you for the insight. Dang, 6 "o"s in "too eager"? Oh boy! Reading it back to myself, I see what you mean. Lol. Now, I'm a bit embarrassed. I get inundated with soooo many messages from crappy profiles, I guess I was surprised to see someone I'm actually interested in.

So is the tone pretty much set, or can this be salvaged?

I've been single for a while, but hadn't felt ready to date until now. I feel like I'm just out of sync...

 

[CarLiTa]

Aw don't worry about it Incognitus. You were very upbeat and bubbly, but as you said he seems a bit more dry with his responses. But now that you've been open and upbeat, it is up to him to take the conversation offline.

But this makes me think about how I communicate. I've noticed this pattern: guy messages me, I send short, fairly open messages, then the questions build up and I'll send a long response, which by then indicates I'm definitely interested, and the guy will find a cute, clever way of saying we should go out on a date. Like, I'll ask some questions at the end of my long message, and they will say something like: "I'd love to tell you over dinner..." Or "I promise to answer if you let me treat you to a hot chocolate this weekend" ... at which point I can't refuse because I think that's really cute

But, with one of the guys I'm dating, I had been sending short messages and one night I got inspired to answer his gazillion questions with a long message. He immediately responded: "wow, that was a REAL answer." At which point I got really annoyed and was like um, you asked. I'll save my keystrokes next time. Then he said, no I appreciate it! I'm just surprised, I promise to send you a message just as thoughtful soon, and please don't spare on the keystrokes. He asked me out at the end of the next message.

 

[CarLiTa]

Signed back up for Match.com. I did meet a couple of guys on there last time so we'll see what happens. Nothing has been happening with OKCupid .

missjones, how often do you update your profile? The more you update it, the more it comes up in searches and suggestions. Change your pictures, answer the match questions, rewrite your descriptions, etc. And give the men something to ask you about.

 

[SamandI]

SamandI. Thank you for the insight. Dang, 6 "o"s in "too eager"? Oh boy! Reading it back to myself, I see what you mean. Lol. Now, I'm a bit embarrassed. I get inundated with soooo many messages from crappy profiles, I guess I was surprised to see someone I'm actually interested in.

So is the tone pretty much set, or can this be salvaged?

I've been single for a while, but hadn't felt ready to date until now. I feel like I'm just out of sync...

No, don't be so hard on yourself. You've shown signs you're interested and it's up to him at this point. If he doesn't respond appropriately, it's his tough luck. Online dating is not for the faint of heart. Trust me, I have stories. But I can attest that there are happy endings there too.

 

[missjones]

CarLiTa honestly not a lot lately. I meet one guy on there and then after that I kind of fell off erplexed

 

[Incognitus]

No, don't be so hard on yourself. You've shown signs you're interested and it's up to him at this point. If he doesn't respond appropriately, it's his tough luck. Online dating is not for the faint of heart. Trust me, I have stories. But I can attest that there are happy endings there too.

SamandI I'm starting to realize that now... erplexed

Aw don't worry about it Incognitus. You were very upbeat and bubbly, but as you said he seems a bit more dry with his responses. But now that you've been open and upbeat, it is up to him to take the conversation offline.

But this makes me think about how I communicate. I've noticed this pattern: guy messages me, I send short, fairly open messages, then the questions build up and I'll send a long response, which by then indicates I'm definitely interested, and the guy will find a cute, clever way of saying we should go out on a date. Like, I'll ask some questions at the end of my long message, and they will say something like: "I'd love to tell you over dinner..." Or "I promise to answer if you let me treat you to a hot chocolate this weekend" ... at which point I can't refuse because I think that's really cute

But, with one of the guys I'm dating, I had been sending short messages and one night I got inspired to answer his gazillion questions with a long message. He immediately responded: "wow, that was a REAL answer." At which point I got really annoyed and was like um, you asked. I'll save my keystrokes next time. Then he said, no I appreciate it! I'm just surprised, I promise to send you a message just as thoughtful soon, and please don't spare on the keystrokes. He asked me out at the end of the next message.

CarLiTa
Lol, thanks. I wonder if his dryness is because of his lack of interest, or personality,or simply because he hasn't warmed up to me yet... Usually I don't give a rats ***, but now I'm so nervous. I wonder how long it'll take him to ask for my darn number. I do so much better over the phone.

The way those guys asked you out is sweet. I guess you give them a nice segway into asking for a date.

On another note, I hate when I an sending thorough message and gettig back short responses. Nowadays, I generally try to mimic my message size with theirs, lol.



ETA: When messaging back and forth, I often want to go back to his profile to review a few specifics of his background. But then, I don't want to seem like I'm sitting here vising his profile everyday, like some stalker...lol. What's a girl to do...

 

[CarLiTa]

SamandI I'm starting to realize that now... erplexed

CarLiTa
Lol, thanks. I wonder if his dryness is because of his lack of interest, or personality,or simply because he hasn't warmed up to me yet... Usually I don't give a rats ***, but now I'm so nervous. I wonder how long it'll take him to ask for my darn number. I do so much better over the phone.

The way those guys asked you out is sweet. I guess you give them a nice segway into asking for a date.

On another note, I hate when I an sending thorough message and gettig back short responses. Nowadays, I generally try to mimic my message size with theirs, lol.

ETA: When messaging back and forth, I often want to go back to his profile to review a few specifics of his background. But then, I don't want to seem like I'm sitting here vising his profile everyday, like some stalker...lol. What's a girl to do...

Lol I think it's okay to visit the profile. I used to feel awkward abt it too, then I realized several guys were doing the same. Better to get the details right than to ask things that are blatantly wrong. So, I go for it. And I notice that before meeting they too view my profile. Maybe as a refresher.
How did you and that guy leave off? Who sent the last message and was there a question?
I think you have shown sufficient interest, and it is now up to him to take it to the next level.

 

[Incognitus]

Ok, so here's my latest reply & the email he just sent me today. So far, we are both sending long, multi-paragraphed responses. Things that would be easier said than typed.

Me: Such fascinating facts...[snipped]...I find it all very interesting...[snipped]...I had almost forgotten how much I enjoyed history classes as a child...[snipped]...I'm not sure what your focus is regarding nonprofit educational systems, but I'd love to hear your thoughts, if any.

Him: Hello again lovely [my name], how are you? Are you staying warm in the Midwest cold? How do you stand it? I can barely take it sometimes. Call me a whimp if you must. I can go on ski trips for maybe a week but to stay in a cold place like this for extended periods.....a sacrifice for the greater good ;>)

[snipped - history stuff]

I love non profit educational systems. I know they work and am working on building 1 now...[snipped]...I've found that learning through cultural games, songs and rhymes helps tremendously in building solid foundation for building grammatical and compositional skills and phonetic reading.


Is it me or does he seems to be lightening up a bit? He's actually asking me multiple questions...lol. So, ladies, now I'm not sure how to respond. I mean, I have a lot to say about the subjects we're discussing. I wondering about how far to go in answering his questions in the first paragraph. I feel like I ride the short bus in online dating... [no offense to anyone who actually did]

 

[Incognitus]

Lol I think it's okay to visit the profile. I used to feel awkward abt it too, then I realized several guys were doing the same. Better to get the details right than to ask things that are blatantly wrong. So, I go for it. And I notice that before meeting they too view my profile. Maybe as a refresher.
How did you and that guy leave off? Who sent the last message and was there a question?
I think you have shown sufficient interest, and it is now up to him to take it to the next level.

CarLiTa Basically, the messages I posted are exactly the flow of our conversations. His last message is in my long post. He literally sent a long message (continuing our discussions about int'l relations/history), but with NO questions for me. My last post here shows my reply and his response this morning.

 

[MsDee14]

Is it me or does he seems to be lightening up a bit? He's actually asking me multiple questions...lol. So, ladies, now I'm not sure how to respond. I mean, I have a lot to say about the subjects we're discussing. I wondering about how far to go in answering his questions in the first paragraph. I feel like I ride the short bus in online dating... [no offense to anyone who actually did]

He is lightening up. I think you should respond with simple answers. IMO, deep conversations should be handled via telephone.

 

[Incognitus]

He is lightening up. I think you should respond with simple answers. IMO, deep conversations should be handled via telephone.

MsDee14 Thanks. Sometimes it's difficult to keep it short when it's a topic I'm passionate about...but I think you're right. I'm going to try that.


SN: Part of me feels like maybe he was trying to weed out women who are not that intelligent, or not well verse in topics that are important to him.

 

[MsDee14]

@MsDee14 Thanks. Sometimes it's difficult to keep it short when it's a topic I'm passionate about...but I think you're right. I'm going to try that.


SN: Part of me feels like maybe he was trying to weed out women who are not that intelligent, or not well verse in topics that are important to him.

@Incognitus I completely understand. I am the same way.
I only say to keep it short so you can leave room for a great conversation over the phone. You just don't want to run out of things to talk about which I'm sure you won't.
When keeping it short, you should also try and show you are still interested so HE can ask YOU for your number. I do not believe you should be the one asking.

He probably is and by now, I'm sure he can tell you are quite intelligent.

 

[CarLiTa]

Hm, I see. I can relate to him and not adding questions to his messages. Sometimes when youre writing a long message, you're just focusing on answering the questions you were asked. Then it's another effort to generate new questions.

My answers are occasionally long, but still of acceptable length. I also try to see it as equivalent to a face to face interaction. Would I go with a long soliloquy? Probably not. So, I would leave time and space to interject, and to get a feel for the person's reaction. That helps me reel it in if I'm getting too wordy.

This guy needs to ask you out already you've both said enough. I'd switch it up and flat out ask him what he likes to do... derail the entire conversation so that he knows to ask me out. Some men are a little awkward.

 

[CarLiTa]

Another take on the phone situation... I'm not much of a phone person, so I would want to skip all that and get to meeting. I only done long phone calls once every month, at best. I communicate online, by text, and preferably in person if it is someone I like.

 

[Incognitus]

@Incognitus I completely understand. I am the same way.
I only say to keep it short so you can leave room for a great conversation over the phone. You just don't want to run out of things to talk about which I'm sure you won't.
When keeping it short, you should also try and show you are still interested so HE can ask YOU for your number. I do not believe you should be the one asking.

He probably is and by now, I'm sure he can tell you are quite intelligent.

Good point. And I definitely don't plan in asking. To me, if he doesn't, then he's not interested.

Hm, I see. I can relate to him and not adding questions to his messages. Sometimes when youre writing a long message, you're just focusing on answering the questions you were asked. Then it's another effort to generate new questions.

My answers are occasionally long, but still of acceptable length. I also try to see it as equivalent to a face to face interaction. Would I go with a long soliloquy? Probably not. So, I would leave time and space to interject, and to get a feel for the person's reaction. That helps me reel it in if I'm getting too wordy.

This guy needs to ask you out already you've both said enough. I'd switch it up and flat out ask him what he likes to do... derail the entire conversation so that he knows to ask me out. Some men are a little awkward.

Bolded 1: Thanks for your perspective on not asking questions. I never considered that.

Bolded 2: LOL. I have a tendency to be too wordy, so I try to watch out for that.

Bolded 3: My sentiments exactly. What the heck is he waiting for?! Good idea, I'm going to try that "derail" method.

I'm a talker and enjoy long phone conversations. I also forgot to mention that he lives 200 miles away for now.(we both plan on moving back to our shared home state).

 

[Bublin]

I personally hate it when a guy asks me out whilst still messaging online.
I prefer the 'stages'.....messaging, phone and then set a date. He has to ask for my number or offer his.

 

[ChemistryGirl]

This is a great discussion ladies. I'm enjoying hearing the different perspectives.

I personally like the stages too. Messages, then a few phone conversations, then a date. I however seem to have a hard time transitioning from the messages to the guy asking for my number. I've found that after too many messages, things hit a stagnant phase. Incognitus described it perfectly, it starts to feel like a conversation with a stranger on a long flight, lol.

 

[Bublin]

Yes I find if the messages get too deep and go on for more than 24hrs then it won't get past that stage and by then I'm bored.

TBH, If a guy likes your photo and profile he's pretty much ready to ask for your number straight away, the messaging is just a formality!

 

[InsertCleverNameHere]

Another take on the phone situation... I'm not much of a phone person, so I would want to skip all that and get to meeting. I only done long phone calls once every month, at best. I communicate online, by text, and preferably in person if it is someone I like.

This is me. I can be charmingly awkward in person if I put in the effort, but on the phone that's always reduced to just awkward awkward

The quicker I can meet you, the quicker I can decide your role in my life. In fact these dudes are generally talking/texting/phoning too much. Ain't nobody got time for that. They didn't see my answer to the question of whether you think a person has to communicate with someone they are dating daily? I said NO!

 

[Incognitus]

This is a great discussion ladies. I'm enjoying hearing the different perspectives.

I personally like the stages too. Messages, then a few phone conversations, then a date. I however seem to have a hard time transitioning from the messages to the guy asking for my number. I've found that after too many messages, things hit a stagnant phase. Incognitus described it perfectly, it starts to feel like a conversation with a stranger on a long flight, lol.

This happens to me all the time. erplexed

Yes I find if the messages get too deep and go on for more than 24hrs then it won't get past that stage and by then I'm bored.

TBH, If a guy likes your photo and profile he's pretty much ready to ask for your number straight away, the messaging is just a formality!

This is what worries me...

 

[Incognitus]

Ok, I just received another message from him. It is very short (compared to the previous ones), and just skipped over some of my questions. Plus, I put in a few "hook" statements where he could ask me to elaborate, but he didn't. Maybe I'm just reading into this too much. I'm getting annoyed. Why the frank did he message me if he wasn't interested. Maybe he just wants a penpal....

Here's his last message --

Him: It is cold here in ..... but likely not as cold as it is in MI. I'm not built for cold. Once cold it takes forever to warm me up.

I don't know that it makes sense that if reading and writing Creole was taught it would improve the literacy rate...[snipped]... Change those dynamics and the outcome likely gets drastically changed. Of course decades of horrendous government in Haiti is a HUGE part of the problem with it's literacy rate and educational system in general.

Me: ? ? ? ? ?

I haven't replied yet. What the heck am I suppose to say at this point?! No. Really. How am I suppose to reply? I've had enough about the various revolutions, non profit education, and the condition of various Caribbean countries.

Any and all opinions welcomed!

 

[InsertCleverNameHere]

Abort mission! Abort!

Sookie is a single dad/joint custody. He wants me to meet his kid! I mean like this week! Now I could count on my hands the number of days it's been since our first date. I thought he was acting a little too enamored the last date.

I said the only way I would date a guy with kids is if he had custody, but I'm beginning to reconsider the ramifications of a guy who not only has children, but has a child who is an integral part of everyday life. I have a kid (obviously if you're sigs are turned on) and nobody is seeing her! If you meet my child things will be serious enough that I won't be dating 3 other guys in the same week

 

[InsertCleverNameHere]

Ok, I just received another message from him. It is very short (compared to the previous ones), and just skipped over some of my questions. Plus, I put in a few "hook" statements where he could ask me to elaborate, but he didn't. Maybe I'm just reading into this too much. I'm getting annoyed. Why the frank did he message me if he wasn't interested. Maybe he just wants a penpal....

Here's his last message --

Him: It is cold here in ..... but likely not as cold as it is in MI. I'm not built for cold. Once cold it takes forever to warm me up.

I don't know that it makes sense that if reading and writing Creole was taught it would improve the literacy rate...[snipped]... Change those dynamics and the outcome likely gets drastically changed. Of course decades of horrendous government in Haiti is a HUGE part of the problem with it's literacy rate and educational system in general.

Me: ? ? ? ? ?

I haven't replied yet. What the heck am I suppose to say at this point?! No. Really. How am I suppose to reply? I've had enough about the various revolutions, non profit education, and the condition of various Caribbean countries.

Any and all opinions welcomed!

I don't know the "right way" but personally I would:

1. Keep it short. If he is starting to annoy you I don't are the point in writing a long response about stuff you are sick of talking about at the moment.

2. Change the subject. Ex. "The educational system is messed up, but I do like how they know how to have fun. I've always like Haitian food/coffee/dancing" something that tells him what you like to do so he can take you to do it

3. If the next message of his is on the same path I would just move past it. Count it as a loss if it ends up being his last message or hopefully he gets the point and makes his move.

Please note I know nothing about online dating, that is just what I would do personally

 

[tallowah]

Met my hubby on line.Not a dating site tho.We both into sight hounds-greyhound ,whippets etc.My dogs raced and his were hunters.
We chat as friends in the chat room for ages then one night he said something which lead to me asking "oi,you flirting with me?" He said "Maybe" lol
We chatted for about 8 months then we met for a drink in my town with a big girlfriend as body guard.
He was lovely and now we been together 5 years been married 20 months

You never know when and where you will find love.Think of a favourite interest and check out forums make new friends.You never know where that may lead you.

 

[CarLiTa]

This is me. I can be charmingly awkward in person if I put in the effort, but on the phone that's always reduced to just awkward awkward

The quicker I can meet you, the quicker I can decide your role in my life. In fact these dudes are generally talking/texting/phoning too much. Ain't nobody got time for that. They didn't see my answer to the question of whether you think a person has to communicate with someone they are dating daily? I said NO!

I'm the same way. I'm awkward on the phone unless I know the person well. Really well lol. In addition to that, all that texting about: "hey beautiful, good morning. What are you up to?"

If I don't know the guy that well, I'm looking at my phone like:erplexed... and all that texting during the work day... I feel like uh, we both have jobs, right? Important jobs that we wanna keep lol. But I'm also an INTJ who needs personal space and looks at relationships from an efficiency perspective... Eek.

 

[TwoSnapsUp]

While browsing profiles on OKC, I found the following:

"My self-summary

When I message a female on here and then she visits my profile and doesn't reply to my message I take that as your intimidated by an attractive educated black man. SMH. What u don't feel like your good enough ? #Geturselfesteemup

.....

You should message me if

If you know a good thing when u see it. Bird".