***Online Dating Support Thread***

Am I over analyzing. I met a guy offline and he gave me too many red flags. We exchanged numbers (I gave him my Google voice number), we had the usual getting to know someone convo and several others. This is a summation of the red flags.

Me: I asked what he was doing and where he was going
Him: To the studio (Flag #1). Everybody is a rapper, singer, producer.
his ended up being a false flag, through further conversations, I learned he earned a degree in Music with a minor in Music Education.

Him: Do you any kids?
Me: No, you?
Him: {Goes into this elaborate story about not wanting to have children before marriage and how he never intended for to happen and that there is no BM drama, but his son is the best thing that happened to him}
Me: {In my mind, agreed!!!! He told me he's 35. So I'm thinking the child has to be 5 - 12 years of age} How old is your son?
Him: 5 months old!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me:{In my mind.. WTF!!!!!!!! You gots to be kidding me!!!, FLAG #2} So I mentally checked out at that point. Like thank you for setting me up for the take down! Soon as he started telling a story instead of his son's age, I knew b.s. was on the horizon.

Other red flags: Flag #3 I cant stand men who make disclaimers.
So he told me he's not like most men and that he doesn't play games. I detest ish like that. Who are you trying to convince? Your character, persona, personality should speak for you.

Flag #4: After only speaking and texting him (not even a full week) he texts saying, I'm the last thing on his mind before he goes to sleep (Greeeeeeeeeeeatttttttt) and every morning he would text, Good Morning Beautiful. I'm like, do you even know my name?

I personally felt he was laying it on too thick. I ended up telling him I wasn't ready to date and that I wasn't interested in pursuing anything further and that I would no longer call or text him. I just couldnt do it. I felt like he was already in a relationship with me and didnt care who I was.

My non-black friends were like you dont like the attention? Ummmmm,not from undercover drama kings. All attention isnt good attention. Even though I didnt stick it out. I knew this was going to be a waste of time.

Did I jump the gun?
 
Hm the way I see it, a guy sends a message that's just hey, blah blah, he's going to get a simple hey back.

I agree that the poster's comment was a little much as a response (no need to sound so uptight, yall:look:).

I'm always pleasant and am willing to engage basically everyone. That does NOT mean I'll engage them for a full conversation though.

What's the point of the website prompting people to write a profile if no one is going to read it? Otherwise they would have simply asked you to post pictures. If a guy wants me to engage him, he should have something to say about what I wrote, which is a reflection of my personality and my values. If all he has to go by is looks and simple "so, what's your name..."... Eh...:look:

Personally I find that the guys I most enjoy exchanging messages with are the ones who read my profile and send a message with a few questions about my interests. I'll respond, include questions about their profile, and we start finding ways to reach common ground. Only 3-4 messages in do we exchange names:yep: I like it that way... I'm not particularly eager to share my name with strangers on a website for no reason. Nor do I engage them long enough in meaningless conversation.
 
CoCoRica

nope you are not jumping the gun on that one. completely understandable....

Shay72

I thought the same thing. When it comes to online dating you are going to meet alot frogs. I look at it like sales, its a numbers game. But there is a fine line between naive and over thinking. I even was giving my now BF a hard time a little bit when we first started our dialogue online. But I thankfully gave him a chance.
 
CoCoRica, you don't owe him anything. If you're not feeling the stuff he told you, it is perfectly fine to tell him so or go ghost. Get back out there and meet others:yep: Might also help to ask a few of these crucial questions before date 1. Or on date 1. That way there is no pressure to lie.
 
Thank you guys for the responses. I guess I get annoyed when folks call me exotical looking. Idk, to me that sounds like a alien creature so I don't see how thats a compliment.

Anyway he asked me for my number and wants to meet so maybe we can sometime this week.
 
I had a good date with the African man. We had a good conversation. He is a terrible dresser, I like men in Express/Zara not clothes that are 2 sizes too large for you and a beanie. He is 29 and about to graduate with a BS but still doesn't know what he wants to do. I am about to graduate with a PhD and I have a plan (but I need some interviews! lol). He is also really short, I had on my tiniest heels and I was taller than him.

I also looked back at his profile questions (OKCupid) and he answered some in a very questionable manner where if I saw those I would not have accepted a date. IE: Are you on OKCupid looking for men/women to have sex with? He answered yes. Yeah not cool. Lie if you have to!
 
lushcoils said:
Well, from reading many of the posts in this thread/forum, many could afford to be a bit more analytical.

We all have different standards. If responding to "ay ma, u lOoking kinda gud. Iz u mixxed? do you like your men vanilla or spicy?" type of messages sounds like a fun time to you, well, hey, do you!
Click to expand...

No I would not respond to those types of messages.There were plenty of messages that I never responded to. The version you used above doesn't even match what the op said. That's your version. As I said I have a man now. I'm only in this thread bc I've been successful with online dating and I'm trying to provide support to others. This was after being on several sites off & on for a year. I talked to many men & went on a lot of dates. I also feel like I'm in a demographic which many on this site feel like can't get a man. I'm a "big girl" with average looks. I'm just trying to be helpful.



Sent from my iPad using LHCF
 
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CoCoRica

I think going ghost is fine. Just don't respond to the texts. He will get the message. Telling the story was a red flag. All you asked was the child's age, It ain't that complicated. Laying on thick from day 1 is something he probably does with all the women he communicates with.

The key is communicate with as many men as you can. Can't get focused on one bc they will go ghost too. Any signs of foolishness or red flags just keep it moving. No explanations necessary unless you've been talking long term.

Sent from my iPad using LHCF
 
I'm trying to keep my excitement down, but I've finally met someone on pof I like. I've been on a few dates with guys from there, but after that first date I stop all contact. We've been on 3 dates and on Sunday we are having our 4th! I wasn't expecting anything for Vday and he had flowers delivered to my house. There's chemistry there and I feel like its starting low, but can definitely be built into a blaze.

He's paid for everything every where we go and he always tries to make plans for the next date before our date is over. I'm thinking that after the 4th date I will ask him out on the next date before he asks me and that way I can pay. I would hate for him to feel like I just want him to pay for everything. What do you ladies think?
 
leona2025 said:
I'm trying to keep my excitement down, but I've finally met someone on pof I like. I've been on a few dates with guys from there, but after that first date I stop all contact. We've been on 3 dates and on Sunday we are having our 4th! I wasn't expecting anything for Vday and he had flowers delivered to my house. There's chemistry there and I feel like its starting low, but can definitely be built into a blaze.

He's paid for everything every where we go and he always tries to make plans for the next date before our date is over. I'm thinking that after the 4th date I will ask him out on the next date before he asks me and that way I can pay. I would hate for him to feel like I just want him to pay for everything. What do you ladies think?
Click to expand...

Your better live in this moment and enjoy the excitement!

I think asking him for the next day will make his night! Go for it!

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy III using LHCF
 
Second date with one of the guys this morning. I'll call him Sookie because we spent a ridiculous amount of time trashing True Blood.

So it's my birthday. We went to this very popular pancake place for breakfast where the wait is very long and people often have to wait an hour outside to get in. I had him meet me at 10. I find at 10 he had already been in line for over an hour so I wouldn't have to which I loved!

We ate, hit up a used bookstore, and then Sookie went to his car and produced a huge vase of flowers for my birthday. It was pretty cool.

Talked on the phone for the first time to a new guy. He was cool and funny, but he talks really fast like a Scandal character so I'm pretty sure he's hyperactive or something.
 
leona2025 said:
He's paid for everything every where we go and he always tries to make plans for the next date before our date is over. I'm thinking that after the 4th date I will ask him out on the next date before he asks me and that way I can pay. I would hate for him to feel like I just want him to pay for everything. What do you ladies think?
Click to expand...

Im wondering the same thing.

I've been seeing this guy since October and he's paid for all of our dates except for 2... 1.5. ( I bought tickets to 2 shows, 1 was for his birthday, as I was leaving he put money in my pocket).

I really enjoy the time I spend with him, but I don't want him to feel like he's only around to pay for my meals and experiences.
But then I also don't want to be insulting. Or make him uncomfortable. He's older than me and probably makes at least 7 times my salary, which I didn't even think about until one of my guy friends in the same industry pointed it out.

What's the norm?
 
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Ok...I have a friend who met this man on Plenty of Fish. She was so excited saying they are going to get married and have a baby, etc. They met in December 2012. She has a son.

I'm trying to mind my business but I'm worried. She has always wanted to get married really, really, really badly. She has a son and he's been around him too. She has him spending the night, having sex, and the son, who is 10 hears it all the time. It just sounds so ratchet! So I guess I'm trying to figure out if this sight is reputable. I looked and it said it was free so I'm not sure what to think. Any advice or insight is appreciated.

PS...she has met many men from that sight and has planned on marrying them all. It is weird. Why would you want to get married to someone you've known for 2 months?
 
Hope you had a great birthday CleverName!! Sounds like your date did it up:):up:

I came in to share another website with you guys. Have you heard of "How About We" --- it's an online dating website that is focused specifically on getting people to go out on dates.
I'd read their blog before (didn't know it was a dating website, and I thought it was really cute), but Facebook kept prompting me to sign up, so I did. We'll see how it goes.

www.howaboutwe.com

And here's a cute post from their blog about making eye contact and smiling.

The other day I asked Thomas Edwards, a good friend of HowAboutWe and a professional wingman (he “winged” Date Report writer Scott on a night out in New York recently) “What’s the best way to get a guy you think’s cute to talk to you?”

He looked at me like I was asking something absurdly easy. Like how to make ice.

“That’s simple,” he said. “Make eye contact and smile.”

To give you some context: that’s me, to the left, making eye contact.

It’s one of the most classic pieces of flirting “advice” out there. In theory, it’s not difficult: A smile’s easy to give, and eye contact isn’t hard to make. But both at the same time? To me, it’s like rubbing your belly and patting your head simultaneously. With enough thought, it’s possible, but it just feels so silly. And deliberate. And awkward. So why bother?

Because it works. Thomas explained why: “Remember, guys need the visual confirmation that it’s ok to go say hi so he can be encouraged to do so. Eye contact and a smile will let men know you are warm and approachable.”

Broken down like that, it made sense. So I gave it a shot. Here’s a play-by-play:

Scene: I’m at a very relaxed local bar, enjoying a beer on the back patio with some friends.

Target: A taller guy with dark hair in a white t-shirt. He was wearing his hair pushed back a bit, so we’ll call him Pony Boy.

The Ploy: He’s standing up talking to his friends across the patio. I make eye contact. This is where under normal circumstances, I’d awkwardly look away with a scowl — I’d been “caught.” But remembering Thomas’ advice, I locked eyes with Pony Boy for a full two seconds. I even managed to turn up a smile. This is a big deal for me. I can do the eye contact thing — I’m great at staring at people — but it’s controlling what’s going on with the rest of my face at the same time that I struggle with. But I somehow pulled it off.

And guess what. He smiled back! With a cute little eyebrow-raise, too. As if he was saying, “How did I get so lucky to catch your attention?”

With a smug smile — I was pretty proud of myself — I looked away and avoided so much as glancing in his general direction. Baby steps.

Now I could just end it here and call it a success, but not yet.

A bit later, I got up to get another round. As I climbed the patio stairs, Pony Boy got up from his table (it was obvious he’d been waiting for a chance like this), tapped me on the shoulder and asked if he could buy me a drink.

So here’s the lesson: “Showing warmth” works. In actuality, smiling isn’t that hard and it’s super effective. Do it more often.

Now, let me ask you guys this:



Ladies — is this common knowledge that I just never knew? Like, have I been “making ice” the wrong way all this time? Or is this foreign to you, too?

Gents — Obviously, you’re not going to jump after just any girl who smiles and makes eye contact with you. There has to be some mutual attraction. And even then, you may not, by nature, be as forward as Pony Boy. So does this kind of non-verbal cue really have any affect on whether you approach a lady?

Thoughts, please.
Click to expand...
 
chatting with 3 guys from okcupid right now. surprisingly, none of them are black :lol:

that's new since i've been less open minded regarding interracial dating. but black men also tend to mainly be the ones who hit on me online & irl. white boys do more often than other MOC but i'm def not interested in dealing with white boy shenanigans at this point in my life & would have to know him very very well to consider it.

the three:
#1 - 1st generation chinese, 26, recently finished an MBA program & works auditing. we had a 6 hour date this past Saturday. hung out at a park & then made our way around the city then to dinner. we ran into my friend actually :lol: my friend told me later he thought the guy was cute, confident, & we looked good together. fair enough. i'm pretty into him. he actually sent me a super short message, & we initially connected on a mutual interest/appreciation for art (his hobby is photography).

#2 - middle eastern, 25 - we have plans for next weekend. he's a "writer" but has a full time job :look: :lol: & has been teaching ESL overseas for the past few years. he seems to be really into african studies (literature, history, etc) but not in an appropriative way (as far as i can tell based on our conversations). i will admit he reminds me a bit of a white hipster :look:

#3 - asian, 24, works in finance. just started talking to him but he's writing essays :lol: and seems genuinely excited about discussing the things i am interested in/passionate about (race/gender/class/etc), which is nice.

i think since my interests are so specific/i'm def a particularly type of person, being able to do the initial filtering online is most effective for me. i've actually met a reasonable amount of men irl in the past 2 years & none of them have lasted very long because we'd have nothing in common, versus men i'd meet online (2 have been bfs). plus usually when i go out/do stuff, i'm not really interested in meeting men.

but there are 3 people in my life who either wouldn't get the meeting through the internet thing (my mother! :lol:) or judge me for it (my roommate & college bff) so i just lie lie lie. w/e. :lachen:
 
HauteHippie said:
Im wondering the same thing.

I've been seeing this guy since October and he's paid for all of our dates except for 2... 1.5. ( I bought tickets to 2 shows, 1 was for his birthday, as I was leaving he put money in my pocket).

I really enjoy the time I spend with him, but I don't want him to feel like he's only around to pay for my meals and experiences.
But then I also don't want to be insulting. Or make him uncomfortable. He's older than me and probably makes at least 7 times my salary, which I didn't even think about until one of my guy friends in the same industry pointed it out.

What's the norm?
Click to expand...
HauteHippie

if he's older/more established, i wouldn't worry about it :look: i would try to pay occasionally for smaller stuff (coffee/ice cream afterwards/whatever).

the men i date are young (close to my age/recently finished undergrad/graduate school) so i try to be considerate since most do not seem to be balling. so i look for closer to free dates or cheap stuff for us to do & then pay for myself from time to time (not generous enough to pay for both of us unless it's coffee at this point :lachen:).
 
This guy seems so annoying. Enjoy the funnies!

I am a laid back Black Man who likes to have fun and enjoy my life. Read my profile before you send me a message. I am very real. I am not about the games or b.s. I don't like drama. I play Football and Basketball. I'm tall 6'3 and I am slim athletic built with muscles. I like sports, being outdoors, travel and enjoying the simple things in life
Click to expand...
.


If you are a real female who is independent and real not fake then you can get to know me. I am cool and down to earth. I am a proud Black Man. I like to have fun and have a good time. Send a message and let's talk if you have a slim, petite, thin or curvy body type not fat or overweight and you are beautiful and sexy both inside and out. You have Small Breast and Big Nipples. You have all of your teeth and hair. You are intelligent and you have some common sense. Beauty and Brains.

I am very independent own house, 2 cars, good job, good money, college graduate. I am a Model and I have a good full time job. No Liars or Fakes. No Catfishing. (You should no what that means and I am not talking about food). Distance is not an issue.

I am new to okcupid just trying something new. Open to friendship and maybe more. It all depends on you.....if you are real not fake
Click to expand...
.
 
kismettt said:
HauteHippie

if he's older/more established, i wouldn't worry about it :look: i would try to pay occasionally for smaller stuff (coffee/ice cream afterwards/whatever).

the men i date are young (close to my age/recently finished undergrad/graduate school) so i try to be considerate since most do not seem to be balling. so i look for closer to free dates or cheap stuff for us to do & then pay for myself from time to time (not generous enough to pay for both of us unless it's coffee at this point :lachen:).
Click to expand...

I think youre right. And there is plenty to do that is free or close to it. I used to plan more of our dates, but now that it's cold, I'm lazy!
 
If anyone else is in NYC or, I think, Boston, Martini is a fun, datingish app. I thought it was friends only, but I can't really tell. Im in a group with 3 friends. 2 of us are not looking. I went out on Saturday with a girlfriend to meet one group. It was fun. Im getting rid of the app, but just wanted to throw it out there as an option.
 
I could never deal with long profiles. I ain't reading alladat. I answered the questions and wrote a very short paragraph for my profile.

Sent from my iPad using LHCF
 
Shay72 said:
I could never deal with long profiles. I ain't reading alladat. I answered the questions and wrote a very short paragraph for my profile.

Sent from my iPad using LHCF
Click to expand...

I kind of like long profiles which is funny because I only answered half the questions. And about two of the ones I did answer, I wrote something that barely made sense. I don't even follow my own standards :lol:

Have another date Friday (another new guy)...lunch date which is great because now I can fit in a dinner date.
 
HauteHippie I understand that dilemma. The guy I've been seeing since last Fall is the same way. I know he makes more money than I do but I still want to feel like I contribute but he gets offended if I even half way pull out money so Im trying to get used to it.
 
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