***Online Dating Support Thread***

[metro_qt]

Question ladies,

So im going out on my first online date from okcupid tomorrow. We've been talking/texting for about a week and he asked me out to lunch, i agreed. Then i texted "do you like bread co" he said "absolutely". I suggested a location that happens to be real popular and his reply was "eww lol" then i was like "ok what's wrong with that location" he said "they stay packed'. I'm real direct so i said "I see, you want to go somewhere low key (no pun intended) how about the one where i live? "(out where mostly white folks are) Then I texted "It should be less opportunity for you to run into someone you know " He replied 15 mins later with "stop!"

Anyway, my question is doesnt this seem like a red flag?
Its obvious he doesnt want to be seen.

Its not that 'obvious' actually... I don't like waiting 30 min for a barely cleaned table and getting rushed customer service either. Seats are still warm from the last guests who sat there

Go on the date and see how he acts without any preconceived notions.
If he acts shifty on the date, or wants to sit in areas that are not well visible, then you can start ascertaining things

 

[Imani]

no, lol. this is the way i look at it, most of the men doing online dating are deficient in some way. in this country, where it is arguable that there are more available women than available men and women are beginning to be more successful in the labor force/academic market than men, men shouldnt really be single like that. it shouldnt be hard to any type of quality man to meet a woman, and he probably wouldnt be on online dating sites to do it. so by default the argument could be made that if he is doing online dating at all something is probably wrong with him.

of course it could be a variety of benign to malignant things wrong with him that don't necessarily mean he's single because he'll ALWAYS be single. things like being unemployed, living with parents, being overweight, having a small penis, being uglier than normal all contribute to guys' self esteem with women and may be a factor in why those guys find it easier to meet girls online. it isn't necessarily something like his personality sucks, he's a horrible person, he's a murderer, etc. that he's a guy you need to avoid and would never date. but in general i think this does imply something about his quality is not necessarily up to par.

there are also guys who are so busy with things like med school and law school and demanding careers and whatever that don't really have a lot of time to devote to a social life and to meeting women so they use online dating. but the same rules apply because they can afford to be much choosier - they COULD meet women irl if they had time so they are less reliable when it comes to online dating and may not get to the stage of meeting irl. so that could account for why things stall or why great guys are hard to find/connect with on these sites. you would probably have to be better than normal to bag a high quality man online dating since people who are in high demand aren't likely to use online dating in the same way that other people are.

idk if i articulated all that well.

mischka This is the core reason I'm leery of online dating. I think of all my male friends (professional, intelligent, articulate, etc) and none of them would ever do online dating, simply bc they don't have to. There's a plethora of quality black women around them irl on a daily. I had one male friend who did e-harmony briefly when he relocated to a new city (and I'ma be honest, though professionally successful, he ain't the easiest on the eyes and has a few "bitter black man" issues), but other than that, none of them have done online dating.

BUT, u do hear stories on here and irl about how people met a quality guy online, so that tells me its possible, just will have to really shift through a lot of nonsense to find them. I'm thinking (hoping) maybe quality guys who are more introverted, or slightly offbeat/nerdy would do online dating. Like, Kimmaytube met her husband online. And I think she mentioned that he's an engineer and he seems more like a laid back type. All of my guy friends who would never do online dating are extremely extroverted, always on the scene types.

 

[halocj]

Why would you assume he is trying to avoid people unless he's said other suspect things? I took it as he'd like somewhere less crowded or with a better chance at being seated quickly.

Well, the day before we were talking on the phone and then start texting. I just told him how long i was with my ex because he asked and then i asked him the same question. He said "the last lady put me through alot, she kept her ex around took money from him and the dude was showing up to our job " So i replied with " That wasnt good on her part at all... so yall work together"? He never replied to that so i was like ok...

Its not that 'obvious' actually... I don't like waiting 30 min for a barely cleaned table and getting rushed customer service either. Seats are still warm from the last guests who sat there

Go on the date and see how he acts without any preconceived notions.
If he acts shifty on the date, or wants to sit in areas that are not well visible, then you can start ascertaining things

I most def will do this, i pick up on body language very well. To be honest i don't think something is right but i'll let you ladies know how it went.

Is he white or black?

Black.

 

[SuchMagnificent]

I changed my profile up completely, new pics, new profile description...Finally attracting nice guys (I think)..Gave my # to one guy..Conversation is going well. It feels good to actually talk to someone who likes to talk on the phone more than they like texting! So far, Im pretty pleased..

 

[MizzBrown]

Okay I signed up to a site and I didnt expect so many white guys to be in my inbox.

I didnt put a disclaimer in my profile but I get bold and ask them right out if they normally date out or are they looking for something new.

I can see that after i put a disclaimer in to NOT have any children, my inbox didn't fill up as much.

 

[mischka]

I can see that after i put a disclaimer in to NOT have any children, my inbox didn't fill up as much.

That's because white guys probably interpret that in racially coded terms. If you have to state 'no kids' they might infer that you are only interested in black men since white people don't usually have to use that disclaimer.

I got two messages tonight from two dudes that I don't want to blow off but I just don't feel like talking to lol..... blugh... I feel mean ignoring people who took the time to message me lol...

 

[halocj]

The date went really well and he was really into me the whole time. I like him so far, but i still think he didnt want to be spotted. We shall see....

 

[MizzBrown]

What am I supposed to do with this? I'm tired of this mess..

I have been on three dates all the girls were crazy lol....
and I would rather date a black woman then a white
girl white girls r crazy to b honest lol but yea my
roomates gf is black n she is awsum lol so I wanted to
give it a shot

 

[lushcoils]

What am I supposed to do with this? I'm tired of this mess..

I have been on three dates all the girls were crazy lol....
and I would rather date a black woman then a white
girl white girls r crazy to b honest lol but yea my
roomates gf is black n she is awsum lol so I wanted to
give it a shot

Wow. erplexed

So when y'all say you get a lot of messages from wm, are messages like this typically the kind you get from them?

 

[Oasis]

So when y'all say you get a lot of messages from wm, are messages like this typically the kind you get from them?

mine don't ever mention race at all. if they read my profile they typically comment on my quirky taste in movies. if they didn't read they either say how sexy my nose ring is or give me the generic "ur cute" message they send to every girl.

 

[Etherealsmile]

Wow. erplexed

So when y'all say you get a lot of messages from wm, are messages like this typically the kind you get from them?

not for me, i had some writing what felt like dissertations when they contacted me. I'm not in the market at the moment (haven't been for the past year +) but when I had a profile online I kept it short and very sweet which every guy who contacted me responded by saying they appreciated how direct and to the point my profile was.

In turn they wrote long e-mails introducing themselves to me. It was very nice.

I'm not saying all the guys were like this. I had some responses like the poster above, those I immediately deleted/blocked. I will say I had a higher number of more intelligent, quality wm contact me than the ones who type like they're barely out of middle schoolerplexed

 

[lushcoils]

Cool.
Just wondering, what site did you use? What kinds of pictures did you use?

 

[CurliDiva]

Question ladies,

So im going out on my first online date from okcupid tomorrow. We've been talking/texting for about a week and he asked me out to lunch, i agreed. Then i texted "do you like bread co" he said "absolutely". I suggested a location that happens to be real popular and his reply was "eww lol" then i was like "ok what's wrong with that location" he said "they stay packed'. I'm real direct so i said "I see, you want to go somewhere low key (no pun intended) how about the one where i live? "(out where mostly white folks are) Then I texted "It should be less opportunity for you to run into someone you know " He replied 15 mins later with "stop!"

Anyway, my question is doesnt this seem like a red flag?
Its obvious he doesnt want to be seen.

This doesn't seem like a red flag to me - I too would want to go to a less crowd location because I would assume that it would be quieter (so you can talk) and cleaner/better service.

If he suggested meeting you at some dive, then he may have something to hide.

 

[CurliDiva]

Thats the thing I dont have clevage on any my of pics that is out.My pics Im covered but I do have 46i boobs so your going to see them though..

Hi Goddess,

I have huge boobs too! My profile photo is armpit and above. So, I get comments on my eyes, hair or smile.

But I agree that some men will try to go there even without a visual.

I "surprised" my date last weekend!

ps. I need to pm you about bra shopping.....

 

[Etherealsmile]

Cool.
Just wondering, what site did you use? What kinds of pictures did you use?

I used Okcupid, I joined e-harmony briefly but only during the free tryout period and another website, the name escapes me at the moment

I used three pics: one was a full on head shot with me smiling, the second was a full body pic dressed in a fitted skirt, white top, boots and a slim fitting jacket with my lacewig in a bun. The last pic was of me goofing off in a pair of glasses, giving off the sexy librarian look if i do say so myself


I must say the responses were generally positive


*sighs* i miss my slimmer days (i'm working on it though)

 

[DirtyJerzeyGirly]

What am I supposed to do with this? I'm tired of this mess..

I have been on three dates all the girls were crazy lol....
and I would rather date a black woman then a white
girl white girls r crazy to b honest lol but yea my
roomates gf is black n she is awsum lol so I wanted to
give it a shot

..............................

perplexederplexed @"Give it a shot?"

Really though?

 

[mischka]

Wow. erplexed

So when y'all say you get a lot of messages from wm, are messages like this typically the kind you get from them?

The only wm who directly mention the race issue ime are the ones who have never dated a black girl, and they usually only mention it as a combo. Other than that, I have found that wm tend to want to pretend the race issue isn't even there, I guess in efforts to appear 'colorblind.'

eta

here are the last couple messages i got from white guys, especially since i love to read in here when other people post about the kinds of messages they get

Hey, how is your week?

Have you had much luck here on this site? Or is it mostly creepy flakey people?

Anyway, you seem pretty down to earth. We should chat sometime.

Nick

I will wink and do nothing more so as not to expose my subpar, gooey innards.

Hey there,
How's it going? My name is Gang, and I'm looking for somebody who is intellectual, confident, and passionate about the things/person she loves. And somebody who is a bit goofy is also a plus. After reading your summary, I really think we would click. Let me know if you are interested in meeting up sometimes. I would love to get to know you better.
A bit about myself: I went to a nerdy school (probably THE nerdy school) here in Chicago, but I'm originally from California. I'm adventurous and active half of the time, and very sedentary and like to stimulate my brain by reading and watching interesting movies the other half. I am taking a year off working as a research assistant before grad school, and I am interested in way too many things to decide what I ultimately want to do. I love good jokes and enjoy the company of somebody who has a good sense of humor. I also believe that describing yourself is never going to be accurate enough and I think letting you judge me in person is probably a better and more efficient way to see if we are compatible. Let me know if you wanna grab dinner or coffee sometimes.

You seem interesting to say the least. What kind of music are you into?

What if I don't randomly yell things, but rather say a polite 'hi' as I ride by you on my bicycle?
Because I've gotten in the habit of doing that, and I'd hate to discover that everyone resents me for being the "good evening!" dude.

 

[mischka]

I took a screenshot but I don't know if I can post it here... it looks like this dude on okc has a picture of his penis as his profile picture. that's what it looks like on the thumbnail but when i went to look at his profile there werent any penis pics there... this is perplexing lol... can i post a screenshot here

 

[dollface0023]

Sooo...I'm done with my dating break. I knew I couldn't hold off for that long,lol.

I redid my POF profile and added some new photo's. Right after I finished I checked my inbox to see that I had 11 new messages. WTH....There are NO potentials out the bunch though. Hopefully I'll find something of substance this time around....

 

[mischka]

Hello, I regret to inform you that I have a very unfortunate duty. I'm sorry, but you are above and beyond our maximum standards for looks. You are by far a 9/10(let's be honest no one's perfect) and here on Ok Cupid we only allow 6/10 at maximum. I am sorry to inform you of this. I'm going to need a message back to verify that you recieved it. If you could please include your name and some facts about you it would be appreciated

awwww this dude gets extra points for cuteness. too bad hes only 21 tho

 

[Dominican09]

Well, you sound like you might be more than just another pretty face. Something tells me that you're probably getting about 50 emails a day from loser guys saying things like "Hi, I'm freshly divorced from my seventh wife, have 5 delinquent kids... but the good news is that I have a good chance at finally getting a job..." etc.

In any event, I'm 28, have my life together, and I'm more than the usual amount of interesting and funny, so you'd better like to laugh.

Laugh away ladies!! It amazes me how witty guys can be!! I get a lot of interesting ones and I want to share it with you guys so we can have a nice laugh!!

 

[SqrpioQutie]

so i read through this whole thread and it was interesting to say the least... i've met and dated people that i've met online for 16 years now (off and on, of course).... i can take it back to the days when match was part of AOL and it was free (and called Love@AOL).... i think because i've been in the game so long, i'm not as hypervigilant about privacy, but i don't knock other people for it...

i've had several relationships begin from online meetings, seen serial daters, remembered people that i've met before but who forgot they already tried to date me... i've actually gone out on a date with someone and during that date we realized that we used to go out before (mind you this was about an hour into the new date) - we're talking several previous dates and both of us were sorta clueless...

i consider myself a veteran but it's still fun to me... although my days may be numbered cuz of my latest dood.... the funny thing with him is that he's not really my type but his personality is overruling the physical aspects...

 

[DirtyJerzeyGirly]

so i read through this whole thread and it was interesting to say the least... i've met and dated people that i've met online for 16 years now (off and on, of course).... i can take it back to the days when match was part of AOL and it was free (and called Love@AOL).... i think because i've been in the game so long, i'm not as hypervigilant about privacy, but i don't knock other people for it...

i've had several relationships begin from online meetings, seen serial daters, remembered people that i've met before but who forgot they already tried to date me... i've actually gone out on a date with someone and during that date we realized that we used to go out before (mind you this was about an hour into the new date) - we're talking several previous dates and both of us were sorta clueless...

i consider myself a veteran but it's still fun to me... although my days may be numbered cuz of my latest dood.... the funny thing with him is that he's not really my type but his personality is overruling the physical aspects...

This usually happens to me..

 

[LifeafterLHCF]

Well good bye POF it was time to go.I think I may need to rethink dating all together.Not everybody is going to have somebody even if they have alot to offer.I will not ignore if someone in person interest is sparked by me but I know as plus size person it creates a whole lot of issues.In society fat means you ****ed up and you need to do whatever to get more socially acceptable.

I will be lurking and rooting for you ladies who are in more of a appeasing position to play the game.

 

[SqrpioQutie]

Well good bye POF it was time to go.I think I may need to rethink dating all together.Not everybody is going to have somebody even if they have alot to offer.I will not ignore if someone in person interest is sparked by me but I know as plus size person it creates a whole lot of issues.In society fat means you ****ed up and you need to do whatever to get more socially acceptable.

I will be lurking and rooting for you ladies who are in more of a appeasing position to play the game.

you know, i would love to see you embrace more of what's in your siggy.... confidence is probably 60% of the battle.... when dealing with people online, i can honestly say that i can see confidence issues in profiles pretty much immediately, and so can a lot of men... i'm assuming that's you in your avi.... that picture coupled with a confident and honest profile should have no trouble attracting doods....

you may not need to rethink dating, but maybe you should stop focusing on it so much... use sites (if you'/re going to use them) for fun and not with the sole intent of meeting "the one"...

 

[SqrpioQutie]

This usually happens to me..

i read the post about soulmates vs egomates and i realized that that's what i was doing, picking guys by what looked good rather than their personality.... now granted, i skipped ego when it came to my ex, but a great majority of my relationships of the past few years have been more about ego and who had the material means to provide the best married life.... not who had the best foundation, heart and drive to do it...

we live and learn.... lol

 

[LifeafterLHCF]

you know, i would love to see you embrace more of what's in your siggy.... confidence is probably 60% of the battle.... when dealing with people online, i can honestly say that i can see confidence issues in profiles pretty much immediately, and so can a lot of men... i'm assuming that's you in your avi.... that picture coupled with a confident and honest profile should have no trouble attracting doods....

you may not need to rethink dating, but maybe you should stop focusing on it so much... use sites (if you'/re going to use them) for fun and not with the sole intent of meeting "the one"...

Confidence isn't the issue moreso that I'm very black and white on matters.I wish I could have had some of you experts to look at my profile before I deleted it.I'm not a fun person,I'm very serious about most things.Maybe that is off putting to some men.

On the occasions I man would message me it wasn't the ideal at all.I don't ever want to lower my standards just to be like some women to say oh I gots me a man.I will not shun men if a man approaches properly I will bite.I think I will have to make a personal challenge for myself to go to one nice event a month.I know that is a huge issue for me esp with my job.

 

[TRUKARISMA]

i joined okcupid...average visitors per week is 1 person ...does this matter? or should i rework my profile.

 

[Mortons]

"I'm interested n u" is still not a proper message. Come on now, lets at least get 2 sentences in the message.

 

[mischka]

my profile has been pretty dead this week... other than a few random stupid "hey whats up" ones... im bored.

eta: i would love to know why every now and again random white chicks pop up in my visitors. do you guys ever get girls on your page? straight girls at that.