Not Active in Adopted Sisters life, wrong?

[Lilakoi’s_Sister]

six years ago my mother (and father) decided to adopt one of the foster children that my mother (and father) was caring for. my parents were in their late fifties and early sixties at the time. i was very much against this and informed them both that i thought it was a bad idea. quite frankly, the main reason is because they are both too damn old. i do not have children. i am unsure if i want children. at this point in my life i am leaning towards hell naw i don't want no kids! anyway, my mother (who is quite strong willed and stubborn) decided to proceed with the adoption anyway. the entire time she was going through the process; she told the social workers that she would receive support or help from her other children (namely ME! ) I never agreed to anything, vehemently opposing the adoption to the point where i did not attend any legal/court proceedings related to it and the finalization of the adoption. to make a long story short, i think my mother is beginning to see why i was opposed because i think she's getting tired. now she's asking me to do more and more things, i.e., take my sister for the weekend, help her choose schools, apply to schools, check out programs... i'm like ,'ok, i'll do some stuff but... i ain't got no kids! i'm only a sibling...' my mother and i have gotten into some heated arguments over this. she wants me to sign some documents saying that i will take over if anything bad happens. i'm like you need to look at an alternative. it's not like i'm just saying this. i've been saying this for over 5 years! my question is: am i being selfish? should i "co-parent" my sister? by the way, i'm already sacrificing some of the things i want because of this situation. i have no desire to spend the rest of my life in chicago. but... because of the guilt trips i let my mother lay on me, i can't even muster the guts to move to another side of town. i'm working on this though. in any case, what would you do? i just want to live my life before i really have to settle down with my own damn kids should i choose to have them. thanks for reading this.

 

[Country gal]

It depends on if you want the assistance from your parents when you become a parent. Many grandparents step in and help out their children with their grandchildren. I understand your point but can't you help out a little bit.

 

[Lilakoi’s_Sister]

my bad, the title is misleading. i do help out some. i helped get my sister in a pretty decent school, baby sit occasionally, we go roller skating... but i look at it from the pov as 'hey this is my sister, let's hang out.' not, let me be her momma.

hmmm you raise a good point... i don't know, i guess i would want my mother to help me out if i had kids. but the difference is the word help. i wouldn't expect her to co parent which is where i think she is coming from.

 

[simplertimes]

It depends on if you want the assistance from your parents when you become a parent. Many grandparents step in and help out their children with their grandchildren. I understand your point but can't you help out a little bit.

Exactly, at least help out for now. I don't see anything wrong with you not signing the papers for parenting though, they knew how you felt.

I do have one question though, don't you have the least bit of attachment to the child.....it seems as if you don't

 

[Lilakoi’s_Sister]

Exactly, at least help out for now. I don't see anything wrong with you not signing the papers for parenting though, they knew how you felt.

I do have one question though, don't you have the least bit of attachment to the child.....it seems as if you don't

dang, you girls are good. that's a good question too. do i have any attachment? hmmm, i never really fully thought that one out... i have a lot of feelings about it and most are negative because of how the situation went down. i have a lot of resentment so while i enjoy my sister it's hard for me to say that there is a real attachment. it's hard for me to admit that... i kind of feel like a monster but... it's true. however, i have three older brothers and there's one of them that i can honestly say i wouldn't care if i never saw him again. so... idk.

 

[poetist]

I can understand your frustration, but your mother asking you to sign paperwork is just to make sure that in the event that something happens to your mom, your sister doesnt end back up in the system. Hoepfully, you wouldnt want that. To me, it sounds like you will be playing the role of a Godparent. When I became a Godmother, I wasnt overly freaked out about repositioning my life because my friend had a baby and now I was a Godmother. I went to college in another state, got a job in yet another state, then came back home. Now the child is in middle school and I do normal stuff - take him to the movies, help him with homework, pick him up from school (on occassion), buy him birthday gifts, etc.

In the event that anything happens to his mom or dad, I will be responsible for taking care of him, but its not like I started setting money aside for a "just in case" fund. However, in your case, the state will pay you to care for the child. Doesnt seem unfair to me

 

[Lilakoi’s_Sister]

I can understand your frustration, but your mother asking you to sign paperwork is just to make sure that in the event that something happens to your mom, your sister doesnt end back up in the system. Hoepfully, you wouldnt want that. To me, it sounds like you will be playing the role of a Godparent. When I became a Godmother, I wasnt overly freaked out about repositioning my life because my friend had a baby and now I was a Godmother. I went to college in another state, got a job in yet another state, then came back home. Now the child is in middle school and I do normal stuff - take him to the movies, help him with homework, pick him up from school (on occassion), buy him birthday gifts, etc.

In the event that anything happens to his mom or dad, I will be responsible for taking care of him, but its not like I started setting money aside for a "just in case" fund. However, in your case, the state will pay you to care for the child. Doesnt seem unfair to me

no i would not want her to be in the system. and if it really came down to it i know i would step up but i don't like feeling forced and children can sense resentment. that's not good.

 

[lexi08]

This is a tough situation. I think your parents are being unfair, they chose the adoption not you. I don't think you should have to put your life on hold because of your parents choice. If you don't to, don't sign the papers taking on responsibility you may regret later, IMO.

 

[Lilakoi’s_Sister]

This is a tough situation. I think your parents are being unfair, they chose the adoption not you. I don't think you should have to put your life on hold because of your parents choice. If you don't to, don't sign the papers taking on responsibility you may regret later, IMO.

Thank you. I'm not sure what I will eventually do. erplexed

 

[lisana]

Girl don't sign NOTHING!! Don't let them guilt trip you into accepting a responsibility you said you didn't want from get go. People like you should be commended. Your mom and dad made a choice to raise those children and now they are mad because you are sticking to your guns?!! And you don't owe them your life NOW because of the help they MIGHT give you in the FUTURE. Help only if it makes you feel good to do so, otherwise you will grow resentful watching everyone else's need get met but not your own.

 

[Lilakoi’s_Sister]

Girl don't sign NOTHING!! Don't let them guilt trip you into accepting a responsibility you said you didn't want from get go. People like you should be commended. Your mom and dad made a choice to raise those children and now they are mad because you are sticking to your guns?!! And you don't owe them your life NOW because of the help they MIGHT give you in the FUTURE. Help only if it makes you feel good to do so, otherwise you will grow resentful watching everyone else's need get met but not your own.

Thanks. This is what is always running through my mind.

 

[donna894]

LS - your parents have no right to take over your life. You want to move out of Chicago, but haven't because of them. Then they want you to take over responsibilities which they chose to take on even though you told them you were against it! What about you? What about what you want out of life? This is unfair on so many levels. It is not in the best interest of the child to be raised by someone who really doesn't want to do it but is forced to. You told them from the jump, that you did not go along with the adoption. They pretty much ignored you and did as they pleased. And even lied to social workers, telling them you supported the adoption. And now they want you to sacrifice your life to accommodate their choices. No one has the right to ask that of anybody - No One - not even your parents! They don't seem to care about your hopes and dreams. And I personally think they are being very selfish. You need to be just as stubborn and strong willed as your mother and stand up for yourself. Your mother has lived her life and you need to live your's. And where are your other siblings? Seems like they have distanced themselves. Hmmm... I wonder why...

 

[Lilakoi’s_Sister]

LS - your parents have no right to take over your life. You want to move out of Chicago, but haven't because of them. Then they want you to take over responsibilities which they chose to take on even though you told them you were against it! What about you? What about what you want out of life? This is unfair on so many levels. It is not in the best interest of the child to be raised by someone who really doesn't want to do it but is forced to. You told them from the jump, that you did not go along with the adoption. They pretty much ignored you and did as they pleased. And even lied to social workers, telling them you supported the adoption. And now they want you to sacrifice your life to accommodate their choices. No one has the right to ask that of anybody - No One - not even your parents! They don't seem to care about your hopes and dreams. And I personally think they are being very selfish. You need to be just as stubborn and strong willed as your mother and stand up for yourself. Your mother has lived her life and you need to live your's. And where are your other siblings? Seems like they have distanced themselves. Hmmm... I wonder why...

It's funny u should mention that because my two oldest brothers live in completely different states. Yes, unfortunately, although we love our mother, she can do that to a person.

 

[ThickHair]

Would you do this for a natural born sister? If so then I see no reason not to do it for an adopted sister. Whether you agree or disagree with what your parents did, it is over and this girl is your SISTER.

 

[Lilakoi’s_Sister]

Would you do this for a natural born sister? If so then I see no reason not to do it for an adopted sister. Whether you agree or disagree with what your parents did, it is over and this girl is your SISTER.

Actually, I would be hesitate to do it for a natural sister too. I did not have children for a reason. Also, with a natural sister my parents would not be as old therefore one of my main objections (them being too old) wouldn't be an issue. For me, the bottom line is, I told them how I felt and it fell on deaf ears. The moment they knew I was not interested they should have made alternative provisions which my mother is only just now looking into.

 

[Summer_Rain]

This is a tough one. Quick question - how old is she?

 

[Lilakoi’s_Sister]

This is a tough one. Quick question - how old is she?

she is 8 years old. my biggest fear is them dang teenage years. i don't know nuthin' about raising a moody, rebellious teen.

 

[ThickHair]

she is 8 years old. my biggest fear is them dang teenage years. i don't know nuthin' about raising a moody, rebellious teen.

8 oh, my goodness.

 

[Summer_Rain]

she is 8 years old. my biggest fear is them dang teenage years. i don't know nuthin' about raising a moody, rebellious teen.

I understand why you didn't totally support your parents decision. If you don't mind me asking, do you think your feelings are obvious to HER as well? It's kinda obvious in your "tone" that you don't feel much of an attachment to her, whether we know or want to accept it - children are equally discerning to those sort of things. The girl probably has experienced more rejection in her short life, than the average adult. I'd only suggest that while you're sorting through your feelings now, be extra careful of the vibe you may unintentionally be giving off to her.

Even in your spending time and doing things with her - she may still pick up on what seems like resentment to me.

But ultimately, think of how you felt and WOULD feel as an 8 year old in her situation. I can imagine that all she's ever really wanted was to feel like she was part of a family, parents, and probably an older sister to look up to

 

[Much2much41]

I understand why you didn't totally support your parents decision. If you don't mind me asking, do you think your feelings are obvious to HER as well? It's kinda obvious in your "tone" that you don't feel much of an attachment to her, whether we know or want to accept it - children are equally discerning to those sort of things. The girl probably has experienced more rejection in her short life, than the average adult. I'd only suggest that while you're sorting through your feelings now, be extra careful of the vibe you may unintentionally be giving off to her.

Even in your spending time and doing things with her - she may still pick up on what seems like resentment to me.

But ultimately, think of how you felt and WOULD feel as an 8 year old in her situation. I can imagine that all she's ever really wanted was to feel like she was part of a family, parents, and probably an older sister to look up to

I agree. It's a shame OP's parents didn't listen when she said she didn't want to be responsible for the child in the event, heaven forbid, of their not being able to do so, and it's not fair that they are trying to guilt her into helping. However, they obviously love this little girl very much to fight against the odds to adopt her anyway, and probably hoped OP would fall in love w/her as well. At this point not much can be done about the fact that they didn't listen to OP, and now, this little girl is a part of the family. I think not to be wanted by your biological parents, whether it be because they couldn't afford you or otherwise, is a blow to a child's psyche forever. Every rejection she faces in live could resurrect the pain of that one. Now, she has a family, but her parents are aged, and probably can't do as much with her as a child of 8 would like, and she has a sibling that harbors resentment about possibly having to take care of her later. But OP can still have her life, and can still enjoy it. Why worry unduly about something that hasn't even occurred yet? Who is to say that if OP dropped some resentment toward the situation, she might not start to enjoy the company of this little girl? Maybe even learn to love her? At 8 years old, there are no diapers to be changed, car seats, etc. Kids that age can be a lot of fun, because they are somewhat independent, yet still idolize the adults around them. She also could grow up to be well adjusted. All teenagers aren't monsters; who is to say she won't turn out to be a sweet kid? I truly feel sorry for OP, because I understand it must feel like her life is being put on hold, but my heart really goes out to the little girl. I can't imagine how she must feel.

 

[firecracker]

Sheee-it no your not wrong. That situation is no different than parents having kids and expecting the older sibilings to babysit and take out time from their own life. That child isn't your responsibility period. If you feel like doing anything it should strictly be by choice. Your parents made that decision they need to live with the ramifications of if.
I am not mean or heartless but I'll be damn if someone will force me into a situation when I told them upfront I was against it.

Parenting is hardwork and entails alot which would take away from your life. Your parents took on more than they could handle they need to deal with it not you unless you simply want to.

Kids don't owe their parents a damn thang as they didn't ask to be here. If thats the case after all the money I spent on the demon woman child I should be expecting a back pension from her *** after she is established in her career cuz helz I paid for that education.

Help out when you feel like it. Don't sign **** that you don't want to take on.

 

[Lilakoi’s_Sister]

I understand why you didn't totally support your parents decision. If you don't mind me asking, do you think your feelings are obvious to HER as well? It's kinda obvious in your "tone" that you don't feel much of an attachment to her, whether we know or want to accept it - children are equally discerning to those sort of things. The girl probably has experienced more rejection in her short life, than the average adult. I'd only suggest that while you're sorting through your feelings now, be extra careful of the vibe you may unintentionally be giving off to her.

Even in your spending time and doing things with her - she may still pick up on what seems like resentment to me.

But ultimately, think of how you felt and WOULD feel as an 8 year old in her situation. I can imagine that all she's ever really wanted was to feel like she was part of a family, parents, and probably an older sister to look up to

My sister knows that she is adopted. My mother told her a few months ago. I'm not sure if this was the right decision but I don't get a say so which I also find odd. erplexed My sister can tell that all four of us (my brothers and me) are somewhat detached. I know it hurts her that we are not close however I have to add that my family is not very "tight" to begin with. I accepted this a long time ago and stopped wishing otherwise. My sister has never met anyone from her biological family (besides a younger brother) but my mother believes that my sister knew there was "something going on" which is why she told her. If I was 8 I would be extremely upset. I was a very sensitive child and held my feelings in but everything got to me. I know if I was her I would be in tears which is why this decision is hard for me. I know that I would have a hard time living with myself if I just took off (which is what I am itching to do). While you sense resentment (and it is there), I do care about what happens to her.

 

[Lilakoi’s_Sister]

I agree. It's a shame OP's parents didn't listen when she said she didn't want to be responsible for the child in the event, heaven forbid, of their not being able to do so, and it's not fair that they are trying to guilt her into helping. However, they obviously love this little girl very much to fight against the odds to adopt her anyway, and probably hoped OP would fall in love w/her as well. At this point not much can be done about the fact that they didn't listen to OP, and now, this little girl is a part of the family. I think not to be wanted by your biological parents, whether it be because they couldn't afford you or otherwise, is a blow to a child's psyche forever. Every rejection she faces in live could resurrect the pain of that one. Now, she has a family, but her parents are aged, and probably can't do as much with her as a child of 8 would like, and she has a sibling that harbors resentment about possibly having to take care of her later. But OP can still have her life, and can still enjoy it. Why worry unduly about something that hasn't even occurred yet? Who is to say that if OP dropped some resentment toward the situation, she might not start to enjoy the company of this little girl? Maybe even learn to love her? At 8 years old, there are no diapers to be changed, car seats, etc. Kids that age can be a lot of fun, because they are somewhat independent, yet still idolize the adults around them. She also could grow up to be well adjusted. All teenagers aren't monsters; who is to say she won't turn out to be a sweet kid? I truly feel sorry for OP, because I understand it must feel like her life is being put on hold, but my heart really goes out to the little girl. I can't imagine how she must feel.

I have been trying not to worry much about it. It really comes up when my mother asks me to do too much. Actually, my sister can be a lots of fun but I neglected to mention that my sister's biological mom was diagnosed with bipolar and has a drug addiction (don't know if this still the case with her). This sounds like a soap opera but it is definitely real life. The biological mom has 7 other kids! My sister, is very cute, curious, funny and lively but she is also a handful. She is hyperactive and I don't know if it's because of what her mom was doing while she was pregnant with her or not because my sister has not be diagnosed.

 

[Lilakoi’s_Sister]

Sheee-it no your not wrong. That situation is no different than parents having kids and expecting the older sibilings to babysit and take out time from their own life. That child isn't your responsibility period. If you feel like doing anything it should strictly be by choice. Your parents made that decision they need to live with the ramifications of if.
I am not mean or heartless but I'll be damn if someone will force me into a situation when I told them upfront I was against it.

Parenting is hardwork and entails alot which would take away from your life. Your parents took on more than they could handle they need to deal with it not you unless you simply want to.

Kids don't owe their parents a damn thang as they didn't ask to be here. If thats the case after all the money I spent on the demon woman child I should be expecting a back pension from her *** after she is established in her career cuz helz I paid for that education.

Help out when you feel like it. Don't sign **** that you don't want to take on.

You sound like me. I wish it was so easy.

 

[Summer_Rain]

My sister knows that she is adopted. My mother told her a few months ago. I'm not sure if this was the right decision but I don't get a say so which I also find odd. erplexed My sister can tell that all four of us (my brothers and me) are somewhat detached. I know it hurts her that we are not close however I have to add that my family is not very "tight" to begin with. I accepted this a long time ago and stopped wishing otherwise. My sister has never met anyone from her biological family (besides a younger brother) but my mother believes that my sister knew there was "something going on" which is why she told her. If I was 8 I would be extremely upset. I was a very sensitive child and held my feelings in but everything got to me. I know if I was her I would be in tears which is why this decision is hard for me. I know that I would have a hard time living with myself if I just took off (which is what I am itching to do). While you sense resentment (and it is there), I do care about what happens to her.

((hugs)). I definitely sense the concern, - I doubt you'd be so torn about it otherwise.

The fact that she knows that she's adopted probably complicates the situation and her feelings even more.

I would challenge you to get out of your comfort zone of detachment, and start with her. It's as much for you as it is for her. God willing, your parents will live for many years to come - and she'll be a grown person capable of taking care of herself. But in the meantime - lets just make sure that she isn't suffering emotionally. It won't hurt you, I promise! lol

 

[sikora]

Sheee-it no your not wrong. That situation is no different than parents having kids and expecting the older sibilings to babysit and take out time from their own life. That child isn't your responsibility period. If you feel like doing anything it should strictly be by choice. Your parents made that decision they need to live with the ramifications of if.
I am not mean or heartless but I'll be damn if someone will force me into a situation when I told them upfront I was against it.

Parenting is hardwork and entails alot which would take away from your life. Your parents took on more than they could handle they need to deal with it not you unless you simply want to.

Kids don't owe their parents a damn thang as they didn't ask to be here. If thats the case after all the money I spent on the demon woman child I should be expecting a back pension from her *** after she is established in her career cuz helz I paid for that education.

Help out when you feel like it. Don't sign **** that you don't want to take on.

Thank you!! People love to make women feel guilty for not wanting to take care fo others. How dare a woman put herself first

 

[lexi08]

Thank you!! People love to make women feel guilty for not wanting to take care fo others. How dare a woman put herself first

Exactly!, bottom line is the sister is not her responsibility.

 

[Ms. Plain Jane]

six years ago my mother (and father) decided to adopt one of the foster children that my mother (and father) was caring for. my parents were in their late fifties and early sixties at the time. i was very much against this and informed them both that i thought it was a bad idea. quite frankly, the main reason is because they are both too damn old. i do not have children. i am unsure if i want children. at this point in my life i am leaning towards hell naw i don't want no kids! anyway, my mother (who is quite strong willed and stubborn) decided to proceed with the adoption anyway. the entire time she was going through the process; she told the social workers that she would receive support or help from her other children (namely ME! ) I never agreed to anything, vehemently opposing the adoption to the point where i did not attend any legal/court proceedings related to it and the finalization of the adoption. to make a long story short, i think my mother is beginning to see why i was opposed because i think she's getting tired. now she's asking me to do more and more things, i.e., take my sister for the weekend, help her choose schools, apply to schools, check out programs... i'm like ,'ok, i'll do some stuff but... i ain't got no kids! i'm only a sibling...' my mother and i have gotten into some heated arguments over this. she wants me to sign some documents saying that i will take over if anything bad happens. i'm like you need to look at an alternative. it's not like i'm just saying this. i've been saying this for over 5 years! my question is: am i being selfish? should i "co-parent" my sister? by the way, i'm already sacrificing some of the things i want because of this situation. i have no desire to spend the rest of my life in chicago. but... because of the guilt trips i let my mother lay on me, i can't even muster the guts to move to another side of town. i'm working on this though. in any case, what would you do? i just want to live my life before i really have to settle down with my own damn kids should i choose to have them. thanks for reading this.

I think you are being selfish.

Re: what I bolded: that's the elder sisterly thing to do. I would help my younger brothers, cousins, basically anyone choose a school/pick a program of study. She's not asking you to raise her, she's asking you to be a big sister.

 

[Ms. Plain Jane]

Actually, I would be hesitate to do it for a natural sister too. I did not have children for a reason. Also, with a natural sister my parents would not be as old therefore one of my main objections (them being too old) wouldn't be an issue. For me, the bottom line is, I told them how I felt and it fell on deaf ears. The moment they knew I was not interested they should have made alternative provisions which my mother is only just now looking into.

I see your logic. However, it's not about you (not) having children, it's about you showing a child (and your mom) that you care.

 

[sunshinelady]

Lilakoi, just because your mother made that decision, does NOT make your responsible for her. It was wrong of your mother to force her upon you and to take on the responsibility when she knew that she was too old. You don't owe her anything. The concept of not owing her anything may free you up to establish a real relationship with her.

The situation is not the child's fault and I would be generally helpful, just as I would for any child, but I would be very clear about my boundaries. Do what feels right to you and don't do anything out of guilt.

ETA: Your mother is wrong for even asking you to sign those papers and I wouldn't do it and I would let her know exactly how I felt about it. Why can't one of your older, more established brothers sign those papers? Why can't she get the girl some godparents?

Do people get paid to adopt foster kids? Or did she just feel a special connection to this child?