Not Active in Adopted Sisters life, wrong?

[*Muffin*]

You're mother's only fifty? If she's in good health, then she'll be able to raise an eight year old with just her and your father alone. You'll probably never have to be this child's mother. I just wanted to know if you feel that your mother is forcing you to be a parent now. Then the story changes. You shouldn't have to be her parent now. She has parents: Your mother and your father. There's nothing wrong with doing things with her if you want to, but they knew from the beginning that you didn't want to be a parent to this child, so they shouldn't expect you to be one, especially if they are the legal parents.

 

[Lilakoi’s_Sister]

You're mother's only fifty? If she's in good health, then she'll be able to raise an eight year old with just her and your father alone. You'll probably never have to be this child's mother. I just wanted to know if you feel that your mother is forcing you to be a parent now. Then the story changes. You shouldn't have to be her parent now. She has parents: Your mother and your father. There's nothing wrong with doing things with her if you want to, but they knew from the beginning that you didn't want to be a parent to this child, so they shouldn't expect you to be one, especially if they are the legal parents.

no, my mother is 63 going on 64. she was in her fifties when she adopted my sister. i do feel like she is forcing me sometimes. she is always telling me that i don't do enough...

 

[Lilakoi’s_Sister]

I think you are being selfish.

Re: what I bolded: that's the elder sisterly thing to do. I would help my younger brothers, cousins, basically anyone choose a school/pick a program of study. She's not asking you to raise her, she's asking you to be a big sister.

thanks for your honesty. i see where you're coming from. i do have a tendency to be selfish but i also told my mother that so she shouldn't be surprised. i understand the being the sister part. however, two things, 1) it took me a minute to get used to the fact that i even had a sister. i was the youngest for 25 years so, it took a minute. i know i'm grown and all but... it just wasn't easy. 2) i know if i told my mother that i would take my sister during the week and raise her she would not object. that's not being a big sister, that is being a co parent.

 

[Lilakoi’s_Sister]

I see your logic. However, it's not about you (not) having children, it's about you showing a child (and your mom) that you care.

i show it just not as much as she would like. my mother (like many moms) is a control freak. if she can't have everything her way then, it ain't right. erplexed

 

[Lilakoi’s_Sister]

ETA: Your mother is wrong for even asking you to sign those papers and I wouldn't do it and I would let her know exactly how I felt about it. Why can't one of your older, more established brothers sign those papers? Why can't she get the girl some godparents?
Do people get paid to adopt foster kids? Or did she just feel a special connection to this child?

Bingo! My sentiments exactly, my third oldest brother has a daughter. She is thirteen so there is a five year difference. He has been married. Isn't moving anywhere anytime soon. I suggested him from the beginning. My stubborn mother said the agency won't let her put a man down as a guardian, that it has to be a woman, and it doesn't look right. Bull! I didn't buy it and did not cave in. As it stands now, my brother does more than I do. When he gets my niece he will pick my sister up too. I think it's a great idea. Not sure what will happen in the future... The godparents thing hasn't come up yet. I brought up alternative guardians to her but she really wants me to do it.

I honestly believe my mother felt a connection to my sister. She told me she felt like it was something god wants her to do. They didn't get paid to adopt my sister. I do think she receives something from the state for it. I really don't think that's why they did it though.

 

[JewelleNY]

This is a tough situation. I think your parents are being unfair, they chose the adoption not you. I don't think you should have to put your life on hold because of your parents choice. If you don't to, don't sign the papers taking on responsibility you may regret later, IMO.

ITA with this! They should have really thought about what they were doing adopting so late in life. Them helping you with their grandkids is totally different, IMO. I can understand your frustration. I hope everything works out for the best

 

[Lilakoi’s_Sister]

ITA with this! They should have really thought about what they were doing adopting so late in life. Them helping you with their grandkids is totally different, IMO. I can understand your frustration. I hope everything works out for the best

thank you. i am going to try and do more things with her. it's not easy because i get lazy and introverted sometimes. but she has a creative spark so i'm considering taking her with me to buy craft supplies.

 

[lexi08]

no, my mother is 63 going on 64. she was in her fifties when she adopted my sister. i do feel like she is forcing me sometimes. she is always telling me that i don't do enough...

Wow she is telling you that you are not doing enough Does she even realize this is not your responsibility? You don't have to do anything for your sister, but they do since they took on that responsibility by adopting her. I hate to hear when older parents try to push responsibility for younger children THEY CHOOSE TO HAVE on older siblings. Its absolutely not fair!!!!

 

[lisana]

In the end, YOU have the right to decide what role you want to play and how you want to play it, t anyone else. If someone else feels "this or that is what a big sis would do" then that them. You have the right to live your life in a way that is true to you and not someone else. You can't make your self miserable just to make someone else happy, not even a child, IMO. Your parents made their bed, now they expect you to sleep in it. I think it is wonderful of you to be involved as much as you are now, And the fact that your parents don't feel that is enough kinda shows that you will never be able to please them unless you do everything they want you to do.