Neither Husband or Wife Wants To Work

[Transformer]

Dear Carolyn: What do you do when neither spouse is happy with the working and income-generating grind? My husband and I had an agreement that when each of our children were born, I would take my maternity leave and then he would take a leave of similar length when I returned to work. We are finding now, after the arrival of our second baby, that neither of us wants to go back.
I earn more money, and thus I have to return to work, but I am equally unhappy with the weekly grind and resent feeling like a worker bee. We split the domestic work equally even though I’m working elsewhere and he’s not, but that isn’t even really what bothers me. Taking alternating, intermittent breaks isn’t really going to let either of us build a career, so how do we manage if neither of us wants to be the breadwinner?

— Anonymous
Anonymous: Welcome yourselves to one of the least exclusive clubs ever?
And get back to work, at least for now, knowing it’s in service of the family you built, and I mean both of you, because caring for two small children is work.
Then, at your own pace, do a larger rethink of what you two do for a living, where you live, and how cheaply you can live while still 1. giving your kids a healthy start and 2. giving each other a standard of living that isn’t so tight that it’s stressful. Start asking and answering some bigger questions: Why is it important that you “build a career?” More money, more satisfaction, more purpose? Do these reasons outweigh the advantages of taking alternating, intermittent breaks?
This is an individual answer that is begging for a national rethink, since so many things going on in the economy and politics and public health are tied into the realities of working to support ourselves, and the exhaustions and inequalities thereof. But right now you two need to figure out what professional directions to take and how to allocate your resources. Big picture. It’s more work short term, but well worth it, I predict.

 

[Transformer]

I love the comments——“Join a commune.” It’s no way, I would allow him to make less money and then stop work all together.

 

[Black Ambrosia]

This reminds me of a former friend. She married a guy who made considerably less than her. She wanted to stop working but couldn’t because he couldn’t carry the load. At one point she went through deep depression because of it.

 

[Plushottie]

Maybe I’m delusional but this is something you chat about before marriage but I know folks lie. I’m traditional so I don’t know if I would gag at the thought

 

[Royalq]

Hmm im not about men who hate working. He may hate his current job but still love working and making money.

 

[Transformer]

Hmm im not about men who hate working. He may hate his current job but still love working and making money.

This guy isn’t the ambitious type. Total Beta but wants to be treated as the Alpha. He’s not bothered by his salary being lower and feels that he should have the longer “maternity” leave. He probably spends more on clothes and requires the larger closet also.

 

[Sosoothing]

This guy isn’t the ambitious type. Total Beta but wants to be treated as the Alpha. He’s not bothered by his salary being lower and feels that he should have the longer “maternity” leave. He probably spends more on clothes and requires the larger closet also.

You are being generous sis. This is a straight up omega male. If he were an animal and part of a pack, natural selection would have claimed him. I'm not detecting any manly qualities that are advantageous to a female partner.

 

[Ayesha81]

A man like that lacks an industrious attitude.

 

[Everything Zen]

Why do these people breed?

 

[Evolving78]

Why do these people breed?

That is a very good question that truly needs to be explored.

 

[LivingInPeace]

But really, who wants to work? You're not special if you don't want to work. This is being an adult. You have responsibilities and you figure out a way to take care of them. If I figure out a way to stop working but maintain my lifestyle in the next fifteen minutes, I'm taking it.

 

[naturalgyrl5199]

Nobody wants to work if we're being honest.

But they need to resume adulting STAT.

 

[Transformer]

Why do these people breed?

The same reason the Chicken Crossed The Road…….to take maternity leave. To cry about how difficult it is to raise children while also saying the ******** phrase “it’s the most rewarding.”

 

[Royalq]

Men love to work. Women think men feel the same about things as we do but they dont. Men are supposed to enjoy working, being a productive member of society, and making money. We women are the ones who dont like to work for a variety of reasons. I always caution women not to over identify with men in this respect. He may hate his job, his boss, how far it is, etc. But he does love working

 

[Everything Zen]

As a Capricorn’s Capricorn not gonna lie- I love work too bc I love when folks run me my $$$$

 

[Plushottie]

I’m just not understanding how you have sessy time with someone who probably hasn’t done much. I’m guessing they aren’t young so like after awhile you should value your reputation

 

[qchelle]

Men love to work. Women think men feel the same about things as we do but they dont. Men are supposed to enjoy working, being a productive member of society, and making money. We women are the ones who dont like to work for a variety of reasons. I always caution women not to over identify with men in this respect. He may hate his job, his boss, how far it is, etc. But he does love working

Enjoying working, being a productive member of society, and making money are 3 very different things, imo.

My husband hates working lol but loves making money. I feel the same.

 

[LivingInPeace]

Enjoying working, being a productive member of society, and making money are 3 very different things, imo.

My husband hates working lol but loves making money. I feel the same.

My husband hates working too. I don’t know anyone male or female who would rather work instead of being retired.

 

[B_Phlyy]

Enjoying working, being a productive member of society, and making money are 3 very different things, imo.

My husband hates working lol but loves making money. I feel the same.

Same. I absolutely hate working but I do enjoy making things or decorating. I love teaching others how to do things and that make me feel joy because I'm being productive. Right now, I try to make money at the job to buy me some time to do the decorating.

 

[Ganjababy]

A big part of a man’s role for me is being a provider. I do not understand the idea of a grown man wanting to be supported by his wife. That’s a bum. She should have put more thought into who she was marrying.

 

[Everything Zen]

^^^ Exactly. And I’m not here for this mentality with two people that decide to lay down together and reproduce, own a pet, houseplants, whatever. Go to therapy, take your meds, go to work -collect that check and be quiet.

 

[Ganjababy]

This thread made me remember to tell hubby I love him. I appreciate him. We have been married since 2001.

 

[MD_Lady]

I don't understand how this is a serious question. Until "I don't want to" pays the bills, the answer really SHOULD be obvious.

 

[hopeful]

My husband hates working too. I don’t know anyone male or female who would rather work instead of being retired.

I’m pretty much retired and I can’t tell you how many people have told me that they could not imagine not working, that they plan to work till they are 70 etc. They seem annoyed that I am still young-ish and don’t work. They are like omg what do you do all day. I’m generally like you mean to tell me you can’t think of anything to do with your time but work? People are weird.

Also, I cannot imagine being married to a man like that. I think I would lose ALL sexual attraction to him. I know I wouldn’t/couldn’t do it. We would at minimum have to figure out a way for both of us to be happy and that would include both of us generating income. And the way things are set up now, she is and will be screwed if she doesn’t insist they find a better solution.

 

[nyeredzi]

This reminds me of a joke I heard. "Oh you don't like your job? There's a support group for that. We meet at the bar everyday at 5". They sound like my daughter whining about how she doesn't want to do homework. Her: "I don't want to do homework". Me: "So?" Like, do you know how much work there is in the world to be done? Do you know how much of it would be done if people only did the stuff they felt like doing? Like, 5% of all the work. Are bees or squirrels or any other animal sitting around talking about "I don't feel like gathering nuts"? Life is work. Best most of us can hope for is to be able to do the more appealing work, and everybody ain't able to do even that much. Shoo, better learn to like it.

 

[LivingInPeace]

I’m pretty much retired and I can’t tell you how many people have told me that they could not imagine not working, that they plan to work till they are 70 etc. They seem annoyed that I am still young-ish and don’t work. They are like omg what do you do all day. I’m generally like you mean to tell me you can’t think of anything to do with your time but work? People are weird.

Girl, I can think of about a hundred things I would rather be doing than working. They can work until they're 70 if they want to. I will be sitting on my cakes enjoying my freedom.

 

[guudhair]

Not having children is truly a blessing.

 

[Everything Zen]

I know I complain but honestly making almost 200k sitting in pjs all day really ain’t bad. The next role is director or bust at a quarter mill or more. I rarely work 40 hours a week. Some days I even go to the spa. I just need to sort through this burnout and take advantage of unlimited PTO while I work on my consulting business. DH jealous as hell but he knows he ain’t cut out for this life. I just tell the youngins- stay in school kids- stay in school. I make work look good and I earned it.

 

[Brownie]

This reminds me of a joke I heard. "Oh you don't like your job? There's a support group for that. We meet at the bar everyday at 5".

 

[Brownie]

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