Help! My husband wants a divorce but I want to go to counseling first
- Thread starter BreAhhnNa
- Start date
CaraWalker
Well-Known Member
if hes 24 and youve been together for six years if my calculations are correct he was 18/19 when he asked to marry you, or when you brought up the idea of getting married after dating for a year at 17/18. this seems pretty common for marriage under those kind of circumstances.
TayMac
Well-Known Member
Op finish your final projects and get a good grade and end with perfect grades and recommendations.
I am not married so I won't tell you what to do with your marriage, but I will tell you that when men get jealous they start to act out and sabotage you. Bringing this up right now is very convenient for him. Do NOT let it sabotage you graduating and getting good marks.
You have a life to live successfully with or without him.
I am not married so I won't tell you what to do with your marriage, but I will tell you that when men get jealous they start to act out and sabotage you. Bringing this up right now is very convenient for him. Do NOT let it sabotage you graduating and getting good marks.
You have a life to live successfully with or without him.
Farida
Well-Known Member
OP is he willing to at least try a legal separation before divorce? I say legal so you can work out property, money and debts while you are apart. He sounds a little depressed by where life is going and maybe some time alone may help see exactly how HUGE a decision he is making and he is just as miserable without you. That may spur him to work on things or cement the divorce which will be well thought out.
proudofmynaps
Well-Known Member
I honestly just cried for you. I know how you feel because my husband did the same thing to me 5 months ago. We tried counseling once and he didnt go back again. He eventually walked out on his son and i within 3 days of saying he wanted a divorce. What im trying to say is that one person cant just want the marriage to work. Both parties has to want the same thing. I agree with the other ladies here. Go get counseling for yourself as you will need it to heal. I wish you the best.
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Farida some states do not have legal seperation. I live in PA and there is no such thing as a "legal seperation". You can physcially seperate and you list that information when you file for divorce. I know about PA because I was divorced in PA. She can search for her state.
OP. I am really sorry to hear of your situation. I am divorced as well, but alot older than you. Not a fan of the legal separation idea, why drag it out? He sounds as if he has already checked out of the relationship. Communicating with other women? This is a deal breaker IMO. He wants out, let him go...PLEASE. I truly do know it's hard, but trust me it's not worth the energy trying to hold on to a man/marriage when the other he wants out.
Unfortunately, many marriages between young adults end this way. Concentrate on you, get individual counseling for yourself and get out of school with the best grades possible. Like another poster said, you have to be successful with or without a husband.
Unfortunately, many marriages between young adults end this way. Concentrate on you, get individual counseling for yourself and get out of school with the best grades possible. Like another poster said, you have to be successful with or without a husband.
hothair
Well-Known Member
There's been some good advice on here. I would cut him off and give him the divorce. No kids? Even cleaner.
Like I say to friends you cannot ride a bicycle with one leg, if one party has checked out and you keep being the one to fight for the relationship, he feels he's doing you a favour.
Break it off and MOVE ON. Don't let him keep moseying in and out of your life, you cannot save him.
(Sadly, 2 of my friends that I gave this advice to when they were 5 and 9 years into their dead end marriages, did not take it they are both on PartXViii tomfoolery while their men have kept them on a line while running back and forth to various women. They are all still not happy or even settled, they separate at least twice a year
)
Like I say to friends you cannot ride a bicycle with one leg, if one party has checked out and you keep being the one to fight for the relationship, he feels he's doing you a favour.
Break it off and MOVE ON. Don't let him keep moseying in and out of your life, you cannot save him.
(Sadly, 2 of my friends that I gave this advice to when they were 5 and 9 years into their dead end marriages, did not take it they are both on PartXViii tomfoolery while their men have kept them on a line while running back and forth to various women. They are all still not happy or even settled, they separate at least twice a year
)
naturalgyrl5199
Well-Known Member
Divorcing won't fix his job situation. which makes me believe something else is the issue.
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
Yeah, I'm more inclined to believe he's just over being married if he's over here meeting other women.
drappedup
New Member
OP, I am so so sorry this is happening to you.
I quite frankly do not know much of anything about marriage as I have never been married. But to hear this kind of stuff does really break my heart. I agree with the general sentiment in this thread. You have to look out for you first and foremost. Do not worry about ensuring he is okay or stable, as hard as it may seem......he has made his choice by the sounds of it. You have to take care of you.......and that includes ensuring you do well in school and on exams, get yourself some counseling, and get your affairs in order.
I think what he is doing is cold hearted and so wrong. Nobody wants to fight for their marriage anymore, it seems, so I commend you for willing to stand up and fight for it. But you can't fight for a marriage when 50% of the partnership has completely checked out (you mention he won't even consider counseling and he's texting other women), and it sounds like he definitely has. So at this point there's nothing left to do but collect yourself and make sure you make it out of all this okay. I truly do hope everything works out for you. Again, I'm very sorry this is happening.
I quite frankly do not know much of anything about marriage as I have never been married. But to hear this kind of stuff does really break my heart. I agree with the general sentiment in this thread. You have to look out for you first and foremost. Do not worry about ensuring he is okay or stable, as hard as it may seem......he has made his choice by the sounds of it. You have to take care of you.......and that includes ensuring you do well in school and on exams, get yourself some counseling, and get your affairs in order.
I think what he is doing is cold hearted and so wrong. Nobody wants to fight for their marriage anymore, it seems, so I commend you for willing to stand up and fight for it. But you can't fight for a marriage when 50% of the partnership has completely checked out (you mention he won't even consider counseling and he's texting other women), and it sounds like he definitely has. So at this point there's nothing left to do but collect yourself and make sure you make it out of all this okay. I truly do hope everything works out for you. Again, I'm very sorry this is happening.
naturalmanenyc
Well-Known Member
I'm sorry this is happening to you.
You are under the impression that his concern is not being a good provider and not having his life where he wants at 24? Did he say this? I ask because he is meeting and texting new women while married. Clearly his concern isn't being able to provide for these new women. He already has a foot out the door and won't even consider counseling although his dad is a pastor.
He's asked for a divorce previously and it reads like you convinced him to keep trying? Don't compare your marriage to other people. Although your grandparents regretted their divorce, their are plenty of people (probably a lot on this forum) who are happy their divorced.
I have a friend who has been in an unhappy marriage for years. They barely speak to one another at the dinner table and they haven't had sex in years. However, they have multiple kids and a mortgage so they aren't divorcing. She feels stuck although she can't stand him.
You are under the impression that his concern is not being a good provider and not having his life where he wants at 24? Did he say this? I ask because he is meeting and texting new women while married. Clearly his concern isn't being able to provide for these new women. He already has a foot out the door and won't even consider counseling although his dad is a pastor.
He's asked for a divorce previously and it reads like you convinced him to keep trying? Don't compare your marriage to other people. Although your grandparents regretted their divorce, their are plenty of people (probably a lot on this forum) who are happy their divorced.
I have a friend who has been in an unhappy marriage for years. They barely speak to one another at the dinner table and they haven't had sex in years. However, they have multiple kids and a mortgage so they aren't divorcing. She feels stuck although she can't stand him.
UmSumayyah
Well-Known Member
http://www.amazon.com/Arent-Stupid-Other-Lessons-Change-ebook/dp/B008PJ4Q8A/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1417628805&sr=8-1&keywords=free+lessons+roslyn+holcomb
Please read this. It was written by an old member here.
You have to put yourself as the center of your own life. If he doesn't want you, he needs to get gone.
You are young and with no kids. Make a clean break. You can attract someone who has his life together and is ready, willing, and EAGER to share it with you.
Please read this. It was written by an old member here.
You have to put yourself as the center of your own life. If he doesn't want you, he needs to get gone.
You are young and with no kids. Make a clean break. You can attract someone who has his life together and is ready, willing, and EAGER to share it with you.
Layluh
Well-Known Member
This is what I did. Toward the end though, I added a new dude. He wants me back now but it ain't happening.
UmSumayyah
Well-Known Member
Ladies thanks for your replies. I guess this will be one that will forever confuse me. I feel like I should be the salty one but I'm not. Sure I was hurt when we broke up because quite frankly I felt the relationship could have worked but one thing my momma always told me......don't ever beg no man to stay with you. If he wanna go then let him go and don't put up no fight..........I live by this.
From the recently bumped thread started by StarScream35 "salty ex broke up with you" (or something like that).
From the recently bumped thread started by StarScream35 "salty ex broke up with you" (or something like that).
Thank you ladies for all your advice and encouragement.
For those that asked why I said I thought he isn't satisfied with life... I said that because in early November he lost the job that he had for 4 months. He thought that he was going to be hired permanently but was let go after the probation period. Because he was at home all day with really nothing to do and no where to go, I believe he started thinking about his life. And he also had time to download apps like Tinder. Initially he told me that he was networking because in a side business that we're trying to get involved in requires that we network and talk to lots of people.
Although it was hard to believe that he was just networking, I had no reason not to trust and believe what he said because I've never had this kind of problem with him before.
Also, someone asked why we got married.
When we were dating, we decided that we were going to get married in 2013. But we decided to just go to the court in 2011 and just have a wedding reception in 2013. We moved it up because I wanted to go to school and needed to qualify as independent for fafsa. We both thought it would be fine to get married a couple years earlier.
No, we don't have children. I wanted to finish school first and he wanted to get a stable income.
Yes, we are black.
As I said before, I will be seeking counseling on my own. I won't allow him to sabotage my final exams and projects.
We talked the other day and can to the conclusion that we are better off as friends.
For those that asked why I said I thought he isn't satisfied with life... I said that because in early November he lost the job that he had for 4 months. He thought that he was going to be hired permanently but was let go after the probation period. Because he was at home all day with really nothing to do and no where to go, I believe he started thinking about his life. And he also had time to download apps like Tinder. Initially he told me that he was networking because in a side business that we're trying to get involved in requires that we network and talk to lots of people.
Although it was hard to believe that he was just networking, I had no reason not to trust and believe what he said because I've never had this kind of problem with him before.
Also, someone asked why we got married.
When we were dating, we decided that we were going to get married in 2013. But we decided to just go to the court in 2011 and just have a wedding reception in 2013. We moved it up because I wanted to go to school and needed to qualify as independent for fafsa. We both thought it would be fine to get married a couple years earlier.
No, we don't have children. I wanted to finish school first and he wanted to get a stable income.
Yes, we are black.
As I said before, I will be seeking counseling on my own. I won't allow him to sabotage my final exams and projects.
We talked the other day and can to the conclusion that we are better off as friends.
preciouslove0x
Well-Known Member
Hi OP. Keep doing you and focus on finals and your projects! *hugs*
Also suggest to him that he might have better luck with networking on LinkedIn. Also I don't think that app is appropriate for networking anyway (eg how can you tell what field the person works in?)
Let us know how you're doing after finals
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