Navigating that "In-Between Stage

[aribell]

How long would you all casually date someone before ending the relationship if it hasn't gone to the next level? How long/how well do you feel you have to know the other person in order to begin an exclusive relationship with them? What's the longest time that you've waited, and why? The shortest?

 

[tiara76]

for me it all depends....I could casually date a few people for however long, I pretty much know who Im not tryin to get serious with, although I enjoy their company and have fun with them....unless they wan't something more then I kind of end it.....or until I run across somebody who I'm really into.....the guys I've been serious with I knew right away it could be serious and usually unfolded pretty quickly....my ex, met him through a friend, flew to see him for what was supposed to be a weekend turned into me stayin the summer with him.....

 

[itismehmmkay]

I say 2-3 months create a good timepoint
If ya'll are really dating pretty steadily for 2 months straight, pull back a bit for that last month. If a relationship deal hasn't been sealed by 3 months, somebody's not ready and you should probably move around.

 

[envybeauty]

There is no time frame really. If you two were friends before, then apparently when you two discuss it....otherwise you stay friends.

If you guys meet on a blind date, etc., then after maybe a few dates/conversations. A man will always make his intentions known so a woman really doesn't have to play guessing games. If you have to guess as to his true intentions, I say find other fish in the sea.

 

[Ediese]

LOL great question...I waited a WHOLE year until he decided that he was ready. We were 'exclusive' for about three weeks, and something minor happened and he decided that he didn't want to be as serious anymore. As much as I love him, I have finally realized that I can't keep waiting on him.

It seemed as if he was happy with the relationship only when we didn't have that title. Anyway, I have finally decided to move on, and now I'm dating other people. I don't know why I waited around that long. I'll never do that again!

 

[Belle Du Jour]

Trust me, men know right away what their intention is towards you. I think by 6 months there should definitely be a course set for the relationship i.e. are we exclusive and thinking about the future or does this need to end? Men are a lot more rational and logical when it comes to relationships. But they will hang on to get what they can out of you even if they know they don't want you.

 

[aribell]

bump! more answers please : )

 

[Mortons]

I say a few dates. I really dont like wasting time with someone if it is not headed anywhere

 

[tyboogie]

How long would you all casually date someone before ending the relationship if it hasn't gone to the next level? How long/how well do you feel you have to know the other person in order to begin an exclusive relationship with them? What's the longest time that you've waited, and why? The shortest?

At this time in my life I would say that I would casually date for 2-3 months before cutting my losses. I feel that at this point, the parties involved know if they want to take it any further. I really think it is all based on how you are feeling. If you are really digging a guy, you know it and he knows it. No need to beat around the bush. If you not into him and he is not into you this kick him to the curb asap. Don't wait around, either you want to be with him or you don't.

Are you trying to decide if you want to be exclusive with someone?

 

[aribell]

Are you trying to decide if you want to be exclusive with someone?

Haha...I was trying to be all non-descript and not put my business out there, but that's really what this forum is for. (not like anyone I know is on LHCF anyway)Basically there was a guy that I was casually dating for about 3 months, without him ever explicitly saying what it was that he wanted, though he showed clearly that he liked me. He was also being kind of inconsistent, which irritated me. Once he saw my frustration and I asked what the deal was he admitted that he was interested (I was like, "Duh, okay...") and said some very nice things about me, but that he didn't feel like we knew each other well enough for a relationship. Had I not been so irritated by his flakiness (+ trust issues) I probably would have accepted that since I wasn't really in a rush to be exclusive with anyone. But instead I just stopped spending time with him, which I ended up regretting.

This was like a year ago, but it turns out we both still have feelings for one another, but he brought up the same thing about knowing each other "well enough." (We had been acquaintences for about 2 years and now have been friends for about 2 years) I suspect that he may be one of those people who feels like they only want to date their best friend (which seems to be the way he operates), but still I have trouble believing that it takes 2-3 years of "getting to know someone" to finally risk getting into a relationship with them. He did say something about taking a relationship committment "very seriously"...a little too seriously IMO, since we're not talking about marriage. Anyway, I guess I'm just trying to figure out whether it makes sense what he's saying, or whether he just has stuff going on with him that is going to make him basically unavailable, or whether his feelings just aren't strong enough. Make sense?

 

[envybeauty]

The brotha is toying with you. He doesn't need forever and a day to know whether or not he wants to pursue a relationship with you. He is trying to buy time to check out others while still having you in the mix.

Drop him!

 

[glamazon386]

It depends on my intentions with the person. If I want to be in a relationship with them three months is usually long enough to decide. That's enough time to find out a person's quirks. Once the fourth month hits some things need to happen. But if I like someone (we vibe/mesh well, get along, etc.) and I have come to the conclusion that we may not be a good fit relationship wise (after that period of time passes), I'll keep them on as a friend and continue to casually date them if I don't have any other prospects at the moment.

 

[glamazon386]

Haha...I was trying to be all non-descript and not put my business out there, but that's really what this forum is for. (not like anyone I know is on LHCF anyway)Basically there was a guy that I was casually dating for about 3 months, without him ever explicitly saying what it was that he wanted, though he showed clearly that he liked me. He was also being kind of inconsistent, which irritated me. Once he saw my frustration and I asked what the deal was he admitted that he was interested (I was like, "Duh, okay...") and said some very nice things about me, but that he didn't feel like we knew each other well enough for a relationship. Had I not been so irritated by his flakiness (+ trust issues) I probably would have accepted that since I wasn't really in a rush to be exclusive with anyone. But instead I just stopped spending time with him, which I ended up regretting.

This was like a year ago, but it turns out we both still have feelings for one another, but he brought up the same thing about knowing each other "well enough." (We had been acquaintences for about 2 years and now have been friends for about 2 years) I suspect that he may be one of those people who feels like they only want to date their best friend (which seems to be the way he operates), but still I have trouble believing that it takes 2-3 years of "getting to know someone" to finally risk getting into a relationship with them. He did say something about taking a relationship committment "very seriously"...a little too seriously IMO, since we're not talking about marriage. Anyway, I guess I'm just trying to figure out whether it makes sense what he's saying, or whether he just has stuff going on with him that is going to make him basically unavailable, or whether his feelings just aren't strong enough. Make sense?

That's BS. They usually know from jump what they want. They usually know before we do.

 

[aribell]

The brotha is toying with you. He doesn't need forever and a day to know whether or not he wants to pursue a relationship with you. He is trying to buy time to check out others while still having you in the mix.

Drop him!

Yeah...well, I moved about 1000 miles away, and even after we talked about the continued interest I saw him like 1 time. I just wonder about the situation sometimes--for future reference. I'm probably much too willing to just take people at their word.

That's BS. They usually know from jump what they want. They usually know before we do.

Honestly, I don't think he knows what he wants, period. From me or anyone else. We're both fairly young so I guess I chalk it up to immaturity on his part.

 

[itismehmmkay]

Haha...I was trying to be all non-descript and not put my business out there, but that's really what this forum is for. (not like anyone I know is on LHCF anyway)Basically there was a guy that I was casually dating for about 3 months, without him ever explicitly saying what it was that he wanted, though he showed clearly that he liked me. He was also being kind of inconsistent, which irritated me. Once he saw my frustration and I asked what the deal was he admitted that he was interested (I was like, "Duh, okay...") and said some very nice things about me, but that he didn't feel like we knew each other well enough for a relationship. Had I not been so irritated by his flakiness (+ trust issues) I probably would have accepted that since I wasn't really in a rush to be exclusive with anyone. But instead I just stopped spending time with him, which I ended up regretting.

This was like a year ago, but it turns out we both still have feelings for one another, but he brought up the same thing about knowing each other "well enough." (We had been acquaintences for about 2 years and now have been friends for about 2 years) I suspect that he may be one of those people who feels like they only want to date their best friend (which seems to be the way he operates), but still I have trouble believing that it takes 2-3 years of "getting to know someone" to finally risk getting into a relationship with them. He did say something about taking a relationship committment "very seriously"...a little too seriously IMO, since we're not talking about marriage. Anyway, I guess I'm just trying to figure out whether it makes sense what he's saying, or whether he just has stuff going on with him that is going to make him basically unavailable, or whether his feelings just aren't strong enough. Make sense?

I see what you're saying and it's fine that you still have feelings for it. At this point though, it's like you're pursuing him. The best thing you can do is take is response and put it in the non-yes category; which means that it's a no. It also sounds like you need some more time to forget about him. HTH

 

[PureSilver]

Trust me, men know right away what their intention is towards you. I think by 6 months there should definitely be a course set for the relationship i.e. are we exclusive and thinking about the future or does this need to end? Men are a lot more rational and logical when it comes to relationships. But they will hang on to get what they can out of you even if they know they don't want you.

This is so true! Thanks so much for posting this.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

This is so true! Thanks so much for posting this.

That's why women have to have the balls to make men come clean. There's nothing wrong (after a reasonable period of course ) with saying "where is this going?" Yes, it's the dreaded convo, esp if you don't want the relationship to end, but think how much time you will save! Women waste entirely too much time with men who KNOW they will never marry them.

 

[sky_blu]

That's BS. They usually know from jump what they want. They usually know before we do.

EXACTLY! I did this last year silly me. He said he didnt know what he wanted but mmh he wanted a relationship just not with me I waited and next thing I know he's telling me he met someone else and blahzay blahzay (check my thread from last year lol). Lesson learned. NEVER AGAIN!

 

[aribell]

That's why women have to have the balls to make men come clean. There's nothing wrong (after a reasonable period of course ) with saying "where is this going?" Yes, it's the dreaded convo, esp if you don't want the relationship to end, but think how much time you will save! Women waste entirely too much time with men who KNOW they will never marry them.

I think this is particularly true in long-term relationships. But I've also learned that as far as getting to the long-term relationship is concerned, it does no good to get impatient and demand something before its time. In the particular situation I originally wrote about, I was right in asking him what he wanted, but I was wrong in shutting down the conversation and ending everything because he didn't want exactly what I wanted when I wanted it.

Looking back on it now, I can see that it was a lot of distrust and impatience that contributed to me not allowing the relationship to have the chance to really develop before wanting things to be nailed down. Sooo afraid that he could be running a game. I think you have to know the character of the person you're dealing with and whether you can trust that they aren't playing you. Now, if sex were involved...that'd be a whole 'nother story.


P.S.--anyone else really feeling Beyonce's "If I Were A Boy"? Sometimes I think it must be nice.

 

[aribell]

Since that Rules thread is really active right now, I thought I'd post something here from WMLB about how women jump the gun too soon in expecting commitment. The author writes that if a man is still making up his mind about the relationship he'll say, "Let's get to know each other slowly and see where it leads." or "Let's take it one day at a time."

She then says that

"Women will sometimes misinterpret this as rejection [or as him stringing her along]. So she'll ask something like, 'Where is this going?' or 'Where do we stand?' If he's operating on his own time clock, commitment or exclusivity will be something he'll bring up after three to six months. Most women don't wait that long.'"

In other places in the book the author really discourages women from making those statements like "I don't want to waste my time," since men still read those comments as desperation to be in a relationship (whether that's actually the case or not).

 

[amara11]

Welll,,,,

Being the utter committment-PHOBE freak-weirdo that I am, it probably wouldn't be me that ended it because we'd been casually dating too long.

1) I'm normally not interested in guys whose intentions are not sincere- and I'm pretty awesome at gauging ppl's intentions.

BUT this is a problem, because I am attracted to the ones that are sincere and want to start something meaningful. This contradicts my fear of commitment. But I think the reason is because guys move fast when they want a relationship. Not necessarily sexually, but when they're ready to be in a relationship, they're ready and they move right on into it. I may be interested in this guy, but it normally takes me no longer than 2 days to start to feel claustrophobic and literally panic.

For things to work for me, everything has to move slow. And this isn't a fear of the one eyed snake (lmao) but a fear of committing to a relationship and feeling caged and smothered.

This means I end up being the one- holding things up. The things that scare me the most are multiple pointless calls a day. Damnit, I need to miss you. And when we talk- I'm not into the mushy "I just called to hear you breathe/hear your heartbeat." Simply calling because you're thinking of me, is nice- really. But when you call 10 times a day just to say "what are you up to?" Umm, the same thing as two minutes ago? I go crazy and RUN. And this from men who have FULL time careers? Unacceptable.

For things to work, he needs to continue with his life, act like he wants me (not needs me for oxygen) and be willing to become GOOD friends first. Basically, the gender reversal of Why Men Love B!tches

So I guess it's not necessarily an overall fear of any commitment, just a fear of rushed, dive in head first, suffocation. LOL

 

[amara11]

I think this is particularly true in long-term relationships. But I've also learned that as far as getting to the long-term relationship is concerned, it does no good to get impatient and demand something before its time. In the particular situation I originally wrote about, I was right in asking him what he wanted, but I was wrong in shutting down the conversation and ending everything because he didn't want exactly what I wanted when I wanted it.

Looking back on it now, I can see that it was a lot of distrust and impatience that contributed to me not allowing the relationship to have the chance to really develop before wanting things to be nailed down. Sooo afraid that he could be running a game. I think you have to know the character of the person you're dealing with and whether you can trust that they aren't playing you. Now, if sex were involved...that'd be a whole 'nother story.


P.S.--anyone else really feeling Beyonce's "If I Were A Boy"? Sometimes I think it must be nice.

I was about to answer your OP- but it seems you got it! I agree!!
At the bolded- in highschool I guy I 'talked' to for about 3 months, decided that he'd been patient enough and that I needed to make up my mind and either be in a relationship or be out. Needless to say, I chucked a deuce. I won't be pigeon holed into an ultimatum- just because you decided now is the time. And I knew any guy who put me in that situation wasn't worth mine.

Since that Rules thread is really active right now, I thought I'd post something here from WMLB about how women jump the gun too soon in expecting commitment. The author writes that if a man is still making up his mind about the relationship he'll say, "Let's get to know each other slowly and see where it leads." or "Let's take it one day at a time."

She then says that

"Women will sometimes misinterpret this as rejection [or as him stringing her along]. So she'll ask something like, 'Where is this going?' or 'Where do we stand?' If he's operating on his own time clock, commitment or exclusivity will be something he'll bring up after three to six months. Most women don't wait that long.'"

In other places in the book the author really discourages women from making those statements like "I don't want to waste my time," since men still read those comments as desperation to be in a relationship (whether that's actually the case or not).

I really should've read your posts before I made mine (the post above). LOL- this is exactly what I described.

 

[aribell]

Welll,,,,

Being the utter committment-PHOBE freak-weirdo that I am, it probably wouldn't be me that ended it because we'd been casually dating too long.

1) I'm normally not interested in guys whose intentions are sincere- and I'm pretty awesome at gauging ppl's intentions.

BUT this is a problem, because I am attracted to the ones that are sincere and want to start something meaningful. This contradicts my fear of commitment. But I think the reason is because guys move fast when they want a relationship. Not necessarily sexually, but when they're ready to be in a relationship, they're ready and they move right on into it. I may be interested in this guy, but it normally takes me no longer than 2 days to start to feel claustrophobic and literally panic.

For things to work for me, everything has to move slow. And this isn't a fear of the one eyed snake (lmao) but a fear of committing to a relationship and feeling caged and smothered.

This means I end up being the one- holding things up. The things that scare me the most are multiple pointless calls a day. Damnit, I need to miss you. And when we talk- I'm not into the mushy "I just called to hear you breathe/hear your heartbeat." Simply calling because you're thinking of me, is nice- really. But when you call 10 times a day just to say "what are you up to?" Umm, the same thing as two minutes ago? I go crazy and RUN. And this from men who have FULL time careers? Unacceptable.

For things to work, he needs to continue with his life, act like he wants me (not needs me for oxygen) and be willing to become GOOD friends first. Basically, the gender reversal of Why Men Love B!tches

So I guess it's not necessarily an overall fear of any commitment, just a fear of rushed, dive in head first, suffocation. LOL

I actually can really relate to this. But it's funny how a certain person can make you completely lose your cool.

 

[gn1g]

Trust me, men know right away what their intention is towards you. I think by 6 months there should definitely be a course set for the relationship i.e. are we exclusive and thinking about the future or does this need to end? Men are a lot more rational and logical when it comes to relationships. But they will hang on to get what they can out of you even if they know they don't want you.

You preachin, girl! you preachin!

 

[Syrah]

How long would you all casually date someone before ending the relationship if it hasn't gone to the next level? How long/how well do you feel you have to know the other person in order to begin an exclusive relationship with them? What's the longest time that you've waited, and why? The shortest?

It's not a time length thing - it's a matter of whether or not I found the information I'm looking for - what motivates him, what things he's looking for in a relationship (not a partner, but the relationship itself), what things disappoint him, how he deals with disappointment/anger/rejection/disloyalty, his relationship with his friends and family etc.

These things take time.

I'm not one to run into relationships, and I'm weary of men who are too quick to put labels on things are throw around "I love you's" fishing for responses.

Longest time I've waited - 6 months (which was fine with me because we were both dating other people).

Shortest time I've waited - about 2 months (which resulted in a 6 year on again off again relationship). Will never "rush" like this again.

Dating sucks. Finding someone you find interesting, who finds you interesting, and taking the time to get to know each other is fun.