My man finds out he has a...

[petiteNunique]

So my man just found out he has a 7 year old child. I am 24 years old and he is 28. Honestly, this is not what I wanted, as I wanted to start a family with someone who does not have kids...i just don't know what to do. A lot of times the whole situation bothers me a lot. Sometimes I do not know if I want to stay but at the same time he is a really good man. Another thing that bothers me is that he has the mindset that most black women are gold diggers and that white women are not like that. He says this is the reason why black men marry white women when they get rich. He says that i am different from most of the black women he has dated. But still, im like don't diss my race of women. All of this just really bothers me. I asked him if he will teach his future black daughters that black women are gold diggers and he said no, but that if they ask for his opinion, he would say yes. His current child is biracial but appears to be white. I don't think that he would tell her the same thing. I just don't know what to do about the whole situation...i don't know whether to stay or what. How would you all feel about all of this?

He calls me a black panther since i stick up for my race of women

 

[CarefreeinChicago]

He does not sound like he likes black women.

 

[kmn1980]

If you know you can't deal with it, then act accordingly. The longer you drag it out, the worse it will be.

 

[Theresamonet]

I would be done with him over the whole "black women are goldiggers" thing.

He thinks you and every other BW is just a leech. Why would you stay with him? And he went and got himself a 7 year old on top of being an a$$hole...



Wait, did you say he was a "really good man"?! How so?

 

[MizzBrown]

If this aint a red flag then I dont know what is. He basically just told you he doesnt want to wife someone who looks like YOU and he has already laid down with someone and created someone who doesnt look like YOU.

So this should tell you that he does not really want YOU.

On to the next one. I was thinking you might be able to salvage something til I read the "most black women....white women are not like that". Soon as I hear that mess, its time to hang up the phone or walk in the other direction.

 

[runwaydream]

yeeeaaa...this isnt a good situation.

how long have you been w. him? i hope you haven't laid down your roots w. him yet bc it doesn't seem like a relationship that will be very easy.

im sure you can do better.

 

[petiteNunique]

Other than this he treats me better than anyone else has but his comments about most black women being a gold digger and then i find out he has a biracial daughter...this does not make me feel good about myself at all...i thought a black man was supposed to uplift the black woman, not bring her down.

 

[MizzBrown]

You can do better. Cut it off.....

How long were yall together?

 

[petiteNunique]

we have been together for two years and he wants to get married this summer...i just feel like if i end it i will have a hard time finding a man who treats me as well...and then i feel like my biological clock is ticking to get married and have a child.

 

[lovelexi]

Any man that makes generalizations and holds stereotypes to be true isnt my kind of man. I couldn't be with a man who talks like that. There wouldnt even have been a chance for a relationship to form. So my question to OP...what kind of man do you want? And btw it seems that he is also contributing to the stereotype of black men. He is 28 with a child...he didnt know about. So this means it was out of wedlock...wasnt there for the kid because he had no idea. So if we're going by stereotypes and we're gold diggers then hes a good for nothing father. All in all...I wouldn't leave him just based on the fact that he has a child. People make mistakes. I would be quicker to leave him for his thoughts on black women. That I can't accept.

 

[MizzBrown]

we have been together for two years and he wants to get married this summer...i just feel like if i end it i will have a hard time finding a man who treats me as well...and then i feel like my biological clock is ticking to get married and have a child.

You stay with him then we'll be reading about your woes in the relationship forum...AFTER the papers are signed.

 

[LaFaraona]

I think you know in your heart what is right for you. You also know in your heart your worth and you deserve someone at your own level. The fact that he is the person that has treated you better than any other man so far does not mean that he is the best person for you. Do not sell yourself short by settling for less than you know you deserve. Do not sell yourself short by sticking with Mr. Better-than and believing you are not worthy of the best/right.

 

[TamedTresses]

Another thing that bothers me is that he has the mindset that most black women are gold diggers and that white women are not like that.

I never understand why black men think it's ok tell black women that. Even if he claims that he thinks you are "different", does he really think you want to hear that? Anyway...

That's a tough situation to be in, OP. Personally, I would be a bit overwhelmed to find out that my SO has a child after dating him for two years. To be fair, he didn't know so he wasn't hiding it from you. You said that he is a good man so obviously he has some good qualities. I think you should have a heart to heart with him and tell him EXACTLY how you feel about EVERYTHING. Think long and hard and make the decision that you think is best for you. Also, please don't rush into a marriage just because you feel like your biological clock is ticking.

 

[WhipEffectz1]

If you know you can't deal with it, then act accordingly. The longer you drag it out, the worse it will be.

Right! And I did just that. I don't have time to be bothered with other people kids. I want my own family not a blended one. Then he sounds stupid talking about black women like that. You must feel so special. That's a red flag. Not trying to tell you what to do but just tread lightly.

 

[petiteNunique]

Yea, i told him that his statement about black women really bothers me but he says that he is entitled to his opinion and he is going to stand by his opinion...break ups are so hard! I just dont know what to do im just so stuck

 

[lwilliams1922]

how and when did he find out about the kid?

Is he going to pay the mother child support or would that count as gold digging?

I'm just sayin..

 

[TamedTresses]

Yea, i told him that his statement about black women really bothers me but he says that he is entitled to his opinion and he is going to stand by his opinion...break ups are so hard! I just dont know what to do im just so stuck

I'm trying to be open-minded here, OP, but he sounds like a douche bag. Break ups are hard...they are even harder after you get in too deep. Don't get married just because your biological clock is ticking. I say get 'unstuck'. It's time for you to make some hard decisions. I wish you the best.

 

[petiteNunique]

The funny thing about it is that the woman is always asking him for money, yet he still says that black women are gold diggers. He also told me that if i were to break up with him that he would probably date a white woman since me and other black women would have done him wrong

 

[TamedTresses]

... wrong thread.

 

[lwilliams1922]

The funny thing about it is that the woman is always asking him for money, yet he still says that black women are gold diggers. He also told me that if i were to break up with him that he would probably date a white woman since me and other black women would have done him wrong

'ME and the other black women would have done him wrong?'


...Uhh... sounds like it's time to shut the door on that.

 

[petiteNunique]

he says that if i were to break up with him that would be considered doing him wrong. He says that black women have done him wrong in the past

 

[Daeuiel]

I just don't see how you can be happy with a man who says things like that to you, and seems to be judging you by his past experiences. Even if he was child free, he just does not sound like husband material to me. How could you have daughters with a man who is so negative about black women, and refuses to hear otherwise. Let him have his opinions by himself.

 

[LizLeila]

Yea, i told him that his statement about black women really bothers me but he says that he is entitled to his opinion and he is going to stand by his opinion...break ups are so hard! I just dont know what to do im just so stuck

Breakups are hard...but divorce is so much worse. I am really curious about his motives for telling you something like that because in so many words it was a backhanded way of disrespecting you. When the two of you have a daughter together will he put your child down with his foolishness because she looks black and his oldest daughter doesn't? If you have a son together will he teach him those same ignorant ideas? I personally could not deal with a man with those types of (self hate) issues. I hope things work out and you make a decision that you can live with long-term.

 

[coconow2007]

Sounds like more at play than the fact he has a surprise child. I say tread carefully - watch, listen and base your decision on what makes u happy.

 

[Katherina]

he says that if i were to break up with him that would be considered doing him wrong. He says that black women have done him wrong in the past

Several strikes against this man.

He sounds manipulative. How would you be doing him wrong simply by breaking up with him? You break up with someone because it's what's best for yourself and your future children. He already thinks black women are gold diggers and untrustworthy. He stated that his opinion of black women won't change. So why stay with him to try to change his opinion (that won't change) when there are men who love and cherish black women?

Do you seriously want to have black daughters with a man who thinks that all black women are gold diggers? And he said he would go to a white woman after you? And you're a black panther because you disagree?

And he has a daughter by someone else and that's something you have been trying to avoid? You also have the problem of one of his children being half white (and does that make her better than your daughters in his eyes?). On to the next one ...

It's simply not true that there aren't good men out there, so don't let that keep you there. We women tend to make excuses for men that they don't make for us. Don't allow a man to convince you of things that simply aren't true, and don't share your offspring with a man who doesn't know your worth as a black woman.

Just my honest, humble opinion.

 

[GraceV]

There should be a LHCF template where folks can check off a number of relationship issues and arrive at the obvious answers because some of these threads...

Please note that him having a child is the least of your worries in dealing with a douche like the one you're stuck on.

He's treated you better than anyone else? When you get to a point where you can describe your man as one who treats you very well (without comparing him to anyone else) you've cut out one of your worries.

Your biological clock? @ 24, I think your clock will do just fine without this backward thinking piece of work you're currently with.

He says you're different? I should think so because you're probably the only black woman he knows who will take this kind of nonsense from him.

Should you choose to stay (and if you do, I say y'all deserve each other) you're going to be having bigger worries when your daughters come in all brown skinned and rocking their 4a afros. Lawd help them if they need money from daddy.

Forgive me, I'm not usually this blunt but today... I can't. I. just. can't.

 

[chicitygirl]

Wait, so the white woman that just told him about his child that's been in this world for 7 years and is always asking him for money hasn't "done him wrong" and been a golddigger? But the black women have? GTFOOWTBS!! OP, you need to get out of this relationship because he's dumb as hell and lacks common sense and reasoning skills, if for no other reason!

 

[Curly Lee]

There should be a LHCF template where folks can check off a number of relationship issues and arrive at the obvious answers because some of these threads...

Please note that him having a child is the least of your worries in dealing with a douche like the one you're stuck on.

He's treated you better than anyone else? When you get to a point where you can describe your man as one who treats you very well (without comparing him to anyone else) you've cut out one of your worries.

Your biological clock? @ 24, I think your clock will do just fine without this backward thinking piece of work you're currently with.

He says you're different? I should think so because you're probably the only black woman he knows who will take this kind of nonsense from him.

Should you choose to stay (and if you do, I say y'all deserve each other) you're going to be having bigger worries when your daughters come in all brown skinned and rocking their 4a afros. Lawd help them if they need money from daddy.

Forgive me, I'm not usually this blunt but today... I can't. I. just. can't.

I'll requote so you can read it again OP.
I'm not telling you to tread lightly like the others, I'm saying RUN away...NOW.

 

[TayMac]

I'd leave. I can't imagine why he thinks making those comments are ok and if you said similar things about black men...he would surely take offense!

I would hate to be "looking over my shoulder" and trying so hard to prove myself as the black woman that is SO different than the rest wondering if he REALLY wished he had married the illustrious white woman instead.

You don't need to deal with his negativity nor the new child if you do not desire and don't feel bad about it. Let him strike black women off his book and let him be the white lady problem...JMO!

 

[qchelle]

Girl....are you fareal? Leave this man. Yesterday.

The only thing I'll comment on is: his white women ask for money but to him, they aren't gold diggers. IMO, he's just looking for excuses (which he don't need) to date white women. Even if they are nonsensical. Also witnessed by him saying that when black men get rich, they marry white women because they aren't golddiggers. Uh yea they are...when they get divorced, who all that money go to? White women...which he knows...so he's just making unnecessary excuses.

Also, it sounds like he doesn't like BW. My question is...why is he dating one? His confused/delusional azzz.