My Husband told me to "Get a Job"!!!

[shinyblackhair]

My husband feels that now that our youngest is starting Kindergarten that it is "time" and that I've been "sitting here" long enough. I feel all kinds of upset about his view of my being home with our four kids over the years, but for the sake of brevity I won't get into it.

I realize that my husband is stressed and resentful at carrying the financial load and would like for me to "get a job". The only thing I've asked of him is that he try and switch to the midnight shift to accomodate my going to work full time and so that someone will be here to deal with the kids. He is adamant about NOT going on nights.

We have 4 children in three different schools:

1 in grade nine - walks to school
2 at French immersion (grades 3 and 4 bussed)
1 in JK at local elementary (bussed)

I (we) need to get the kids off in their various directions in the mornings. Who could I get to do this when I find a full time job? I don't have neighbours to depend on. Any job that I manage to find (office admin work) usually requires an 8:30 or 9 a.m. start. Husband works days 7-3 downtown Toronto (we are in suburbs). Hire a nanny? We don't make "nanny" kind of money, lol. The most I can hope of making is $20/hr. Husband makes about $26/hr.

If he was on nights he would be there to deal with the kids and would be able to get them off to school in the morning, go to sleep and then get them off the bus in the afternoon. You'd think considering how badly he wants me to get a job he'd be willing to do this. This is how my parents worked around us as kids.

I'll admit I'm not happy about the prospect of going back to work all I've ever wanted to be was a wife, mother and homemaker, but I feel as though he's not comprimising and he just wants everything his way. He wants me to work and "fend for myself" and stop "depending" on him - quotes are his actual words. At this point while I love being here for my kids and in my home, the pressure from husband, and lack of respect and appreciation for what I do is making it seem not worth the sacrifice. He is resentful and always getting upset with me, so I know that I need to work. Fine! But am I wrong in requiring him to at least change his schedule to suit the kids and our family? He'd work 4 nights 10 hour each and get 3 days off...if I could find a midnight job trust me I would do it in a heartbeat.

Any advice? Help me see what I'm missing??? Please be gentle my self esteem and confidence are in the pits right now...

 

[carolinetwin]

I don't really have a lot to add that would help you since I'm neither a mother or a wife, but I hope someone here will have a useful answer for you.
Whatever happens, I wish you the best of luck.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

Honey, I don't want you to get upset or angry with me. But what your husband is telling you... and your description of his behavior... it sounds like he might have one foot out the door. In a divorce, a man with a stay at home wife and minor children will have to pay SERIOUS child support and spousal support. If he can get you working, he will cut his financial obligations to you and the kids by a significant amount. If I were you, before laying a finger on that resume, I'd start snooping on 1. his email 2. his voicemail 3. his facebook if he has one. When a man starts shoving his wife out the door, many times it's because he wants a divorce... and men never leave until they have a replacement.

eta: going on nights would mess up his playtime with a mistress. If he really just wanted the extra income, he'd be happy to accommodate you with changing shifts. Think about it. I'm not saying for sure that he is, but I'm saying YOU NEED TO BE SURE HE ISN'T before you even think about taking a job.

 

[kmn1980]

I don't know how the job market is in Canada but have you tried looking into ways to make money that don't really require you to leave the house or part-time work from maybe 11-2?

 

[Poohbear]

At what time does each child start school each morning? And what does each child get out of school?

Do you trust your ninth grade child to watch the younger children right after school before you and your husband get off work?

I don't see what would be the problem with you working. It would bring in extra income for sure. And why would your husband have to switch to midnight shift? Wouldn't that be taking away from family time with you and the children?

But anyway, I'm seeing something like this as a plan:

-Your ninth grader walks to school. The buses take your younger children to school in the morning. Since your husband works at 7am and let's say you find a job that requires you to get there at 8am, you (or maybe even your ninth grader) wait for the bus with your younger kids. Then you go to work after the bus picks up the kids.

-In the afternoon, the buses bring your children home. If they all get home at the same time, your ninth grader can watch the kids until your husband and you get home from work. Then you, your husband, and children can have the whole evening together.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

Do you have to work full time? Perhaps you can find a job to work during the hours that your children are in school. I did that, and it worked. Also, even if you were to find a job working during their school hours, what would you do when they had school vacations? Would your 9th grader be able to hold down the fort during those hours? I don't think it would be fair to put her in that position, IF that was the case.

You might need to bring up some of those issues with your DH--all he sees is that you should work, but if you have children, you have to plan things like school vacations, them getting sick, etc. into all of that.

 

[Bmack]

I think your husband is right, but I also think you have some valid points. I think that a man only making 26 per hour having to feed 5 people plus himself is going to be stressed the UCK out. I would probably look for work that starts early and ends early and work that allows me to work at night. If your children do not need to be in school after 9, then you and your husband can get them ready still, then head off to work. I have seen plenty of folks do it....especially since your DH gets off work early enough- he can be home to meet the children.


I am not the type of person that would be satisfied with staying home so I really can’t relate, but I am married and do recognize the importance of both parties being happy and satisfied.


Did you guys discuss your wanting to stay home before you married and had children? I ask because at least it is not as if you duped him into anything. I am sure with heavy leg work you will find something soon. Perhaps you two can speak/listen openly about what is stressing you out so that there will be no hidden resentment…


Best of luck to you and your hubby. I hope you can find work fast.

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

My husband feels that now that our youngest is starting Kindergarten that it is "time" and that I've been "sitting here" long enough. I feel all kinds of upset about his view of my being home with our four kids over the years, but for the sake of brevity I won't get into it.

I realize that my husband is stressed and resentful at carrying the financial load and would like for me to "get a job". The only thing I've asked of him is that he try and switch to the midnight shift to accomodate my going to work full time and so that someone will be here to deal with the kids. He is adamant about NOT going on nights.

We have 4 children in three different schools:

1 in grade nine - walks to school
2 at French immersion (grades 3 and 4 bussed)
1 in JK at local elementary (bussed)

I (we) need to get the kids off in their various directions in the mornings. Who could I get to do this when I find a full time job? I don't have neighbours to depend on. Any job that I manage to find (office admin work) usually requires an 8:30 or 9 a.m. start. Husband works days 7-3 downtown Toronto (we are in suburbs). Hire a nanny? We don't make "nanny" kind of money, lol. The most I can hope of making is $20/hr. Husband makes about $26/hr.

If he was on nights he would be there to deal with the kids and would be able to get them off to school in the morning, go to sleep and then get them off the bus in the afternoon. You'd think considering how badly he wants me to get a job he'd be willing to do this. This is how my parents worked around us as kids.

I'll admit I'm not happy about the prospect of going back to work all I've ever wanted to be was a wife, mother and homemaker, but I feel as though he's not comprimising and he just wants everything his way. He wants me to work and "fend for myself" and stop "depending" on him - quotes are his actual words. At this point while I love being here for my kids and in my home, the pressure from husband, and lack of respect and appreciation for what I do is making it seem not worth the sacrifice. He is resentful and always getting upset with me, so I know that I need to work. Fine! But am I wrong in requiring him to at least change his schedule to suit the kids and our family? He'd work 4 nights 10 hour each and get 3 days off...if I could find a midnight job trust me I would do it in a heartbeat.

Any advice? Help me see what I'm missing??? Please be gentle my self esteem and confidence are in the pits right now...

Well if he feels this way, it sounds like he doesnt want to be what a husband is supposed to be.

The only women who work to "fend for themselves" and not "depend" on a man are single women. You are not a single woman. You are a married woman. He needs to understand that with marriage comes compromise. He cant have it all his way and sometimes you cant have it all your way.

Please have a convo with him and see how it goes.

GL!

 

[mrsjohnson75]

I totally get what you are saying. Instead of full-time work, maybe part time will be a better fit for the children's schedules and for your husband. Look into part-time work at one of your children's school also.

I was a stay at home mom on and off through the years. I now work full time and my DH and I have 3 kids at 3 different schools. He works from home and travels (when he's out of town..my mom is able to help me with taking the kids to school and pick ups in the afternoon). If she was not available to do this, I really don't think me working full-time would work out. You need a support system in order for everything to work. If he is not willing to change his schedule then you can't just figure it all out on your own.

I hope you are able to find a solution (((HUGS)))

 

[Pat Mahurr]

Have you considered Work-From-Home jobs? The Career Forum of LHCF has some good links to jobs you can do online or elsewhere that could bring in cash. A year or so ago, I found a PT job on here that was earning me an extra $400 a month in addition to my FT job.

Good luck.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

Well if he feels this way, it sounds like he doesnt want to be what a husband is supposed to be.

The only women who work to "fend for themselves" and not "depend" on a man are single women. You are not a single woman. You are a married woman. He needs to understand that with marriage comes compromise. He cant have it all his way and sometimes you cant have it all your way.

Please have a convo with him and see how it goes.

GL!

Which is why I responded as I did. He wants her to act like a single woman... now why is that? :scratchch He doesn't want her to depend on him? Hmm. Seems like most men DO want their wife to depend on them... men hate it when they don't feel needed. Fend for herself!!! that's not a good sign.

 

[Kurlee]

I can see your husband's point. You guys can do much more with two incomes in the house and now that the kids are all in school, they don't really need you in the day until after school (3 or 4 pm?). Elementary schools in the GTA have before and after school programs that the kids can go to until 6. Based on your education, there are jobs you can do. Is there anything you are passionate about? Would you go back to school to upgrade your skills, if you haven't found that passion? I think it is to be commended that you stayed home and held it down in those important developmental years, but now that they are in school, things have changed. You guys as a family can build and accomplish more and save more, if there are two incomes. I think your husband may just be frustrated, but I think he should have shown more appreciative for what you have done so far.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

And why would your husband have to switch to midnight shift? Wouldn't that be taking away from family time with you and the children?

I think her reasoning behind him working nights is because school isn't in session all year round. Children get days off during the school year and she would have to worry about finding them a babysitter (she mentioned that she didn't have anyone) or putting them in a daycare during that time.

For the OP, is there a way that you could cut down on expenses to help alleviate some of the burden?

 

[Kurlee]

Well if he feels this way, it sounds like he doesnt want to be what a husband is supposed to be.

The only women who work to "fend for themselves" and not "depend" on a man are single women. You are not a single woman. You are a married woman. He needs to understand that with marriage comes compromise. He cant have it all his way and sometimes you cant have it all your way.

Please have a convo with him and see how it goes.

GL!

Which is why I responded as I did. He wants her to act like a single woman... now why is that? :scratchch He doesn't want her to depend on him? Hmm. Seems like most men DO want their wife to depend on them... men hate it when they don't feel needed. Fend for herself!!! that's not a good sign.

In response to the bolded, men who are insecure want a woman to be dependent. Men who are secure want a partnership, not a dynamic where they are dominating. I always side eye men who emphasize a need to run the show and be in control. It screams insecurity and issues to me and it usually is, once you let them ramble a bit. I think it is a slippery slope to assume that her husband is "fishy" cuz he wants her to work. I think a PARTNERSHIP is key. SAHM is a nice option, but if the kids are at school all day, what's the point? The family can build wealth by having two incomes and I think it's unfair to expect a man to carry all the weight, just because he has testicles. 52 dollars an hour can strecth further than 26 and I can understand his resentment, having to carry all that weight on his salary. It's an unnecessary squeeze.

 

[shinyblackhair]

Thank you for all the posts thus far! I knew you all would come in an give me some good food for thought. I'm trying to "thank" all the posts but the board is acting wierd and telling me I don't have sufficient priviliges, blah blah blah.

multiquote is not working for me so here goes...

@ Lady P: girl I could really start a whole 'nother post on that topic because I do feel that he is tired of me and wants out of the relationship. He's just changed from the man I used to know and love. When he's mad at me he deletes me off his FB. He acts crazy nervous when I touch the cell phone and keeps it in his pocket at all times and even goes to the bathroom with it. He's into hanging with the boys from work all of a sudden (a bunch of young white dudes who seem to worship him as the cool novelty black guy, lol). His new motorcycle...his seemingly newfound love of...ahem.."mic checks", lol.

@ Poorbear - my high schooler leaves for school at about 8:15, the two middle girls catch the bus at 8:25 and my sons bus is at about the same time 8:20ish.

I would like to go to school and maybe become a health care aide not because I'm passionate about the elderly, but because it tends to be flexible...

In my heart I believe that my husband wants me to be working so as he can leave the marriage and not feel guilty about abandonning me.

We got married very young. I was 18 and he was 20. He was not legal in this country. He said he loved me and wanted to be with me, but would be deported if he didn't have a sponsor. I went against my parents and got married in secret. We didn't discuss careers, children etc.

 

[mrsjohnson75]

I thought some responses were reaching...but I guess not.

I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do..(((HUGS)))

A part-time shift of 10-2 may work for you.

ETA: Now, what you have said has changed my opinion. I don't think you should work, so if you do get a divorce, he will have to pay alimony and child support. Get some proof and proceed as necessary.

 

[Kurlee]

Thank you for all the posts thus far! I knew you all would come in an give me some good food for thought. I'm trying to "thank" all the posts but the board is acting wierd and telling me I don't have sufficient priviliges, blah blah blah.

multiquote is not working for me so here goes...

@ Lady P: girl I could really start a whole 'nother post on that topic because I do feel that he is tired of me and wants out of the relationship. He's just changed from the man I used to know and love. When he's mad at me he deletes me off his FB. He acts crazy nervous when I touch the cell phone and keeps it in his pocket at all times and even goes to the bathroom with it. He's into hanging with the boys from work all of a sudden (a bunch of young white dudes who seem to worship him as the cool novelty black guy, lol). His new motorcycle...his seemingly newfound love of...ahem.."mic checks", lol.

@ Poorbear - my high schooler leaves for school at about 8:15, the two middle girls catch the bus at 8:25 and my sons bus is at about the same time 8:20ish.

I would like to go to school and maybe become a health care aide not because I'm passionate about the elderly, but because it tends to be flexible...

In my heart I believe that my husband wants me to be working so as he can leave the marriage and not feel guilty about abandonning me.

We got married very young. I was 18 and he was 20. He was not legal in this country. He said he loved me and wanted to be with me, but would be deported if he didn't have a sponsor. I went against my parents and got married in secret. We didn't discuss careers, children etc.

The bolded makes me nervous for you.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

I'm really sorry for what you're going through shinyblackhair--have you asked your DH what's really going on? It seems as though he's at a point of not caring from what you mentioned in your post.

 

[TayMac]

It sounds like this may have been an issue for him for more than just a little bit and when he decided to bring it up, it kinda boiled over and his delivery was bad. Is this the first time this has come up?

I would suggest looking for PT work and/or working from home to start and maybe transitioning into FT work once you have a routine. I'm not married but I would be upset/sad too if I was blind-sided by all of this.

ETA: I was typing my post during your update. I think you should have a solid back-up plan in place because that all sounds worrisome.

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

Thank you for all the posts thus far! I knew you all would come in an give me some good food for thought. I'm trying to "thank" all the posts but the board is acting wierd and telling me I don't have sufficient priviliges, blah blah blah.

multiquote is not working for me so here goes...

@ Lady P: girl I could really start a whole 'nother post on that topic because I do feel that he is tired of me and wants out of the relationship. He's just changed from the man I used to know and love. When he's mad at me he deletes me off his FB. He acts crazy nervous when I touch the cell phone and keeps it in his pocket at all times and even goes to the bathroom with it. He's into hanging with the boys from work all of a sudden (a bunch of young white dudes who seem to worship him as the cool novelty black guy, lol). His new motorcycle...his seemingly newfound love of...ahem.."mic checks", lol.

@ Poorbear - my high schooler leaves for school at about 8:15, the two middle girls catch the bus at 8:25 and my sons bus is at about the same time 8:20ish.

I would like to go to school and maybe become a health care aide not because I'm passionate about the elderly, but because it tends to be flexible...

In my heart I believe that my husband wants me to be working so as he can leave the marriage and not feel guilty about abandonning me.

We got married very young. I was 18 and he was 20. He was not legal in this country. He said he loved me and wanted to be with me, but would be deported if he didn't have a sponsor. I went against my parents and got married in secret. We didn't discuss careers, children etc.

You said a whoooooole lot right there.

Wow.

Ok. Well it sounds like, and gosh I hate to say this, but it SOUNDS like he has other interests and him being a husband to a SAH wife isnt one of them. Im sorry to say that, really I am. Since you 2 got married for the wrong reasons ( to keep him from being deported) it has now come to a head, especially since you 2 never discussed the points of you SAH with the children and him being the sole provider.

 

[Bmack]

In response to the bolded, men who are insecure want a woman to be dependent. Men who are secure want a partnership, not a dynamic where they are dominating. I always side eye men who emphasize a need to run the show and be in control. It screams insecurity and issues to me and it usually is, once you let them ramble a bit. I think it is a slippery slope to assume that her husband is "fishy" cuz he wants her to work. I think a PARTNERSHIP is key. SAHM is a nice option, but if the kids are at school all day, what's the point? The family can build wealth by having two incomes and I think it's unfair to expect a man to carry all the weight, just because he has testicles. 52 dollars an hour can strecth further than 26 and I can understand his resentment, having to carry all that weight on his salary. It's an unnecessary squeeze.

totally agree with this. I am not very dependent on my DH and will never allow myself to be if I can help it. My DH loves me to come to him for certain things/support and he is my #1 Cheerleader and a good DH, but I am very independent and love the fact that I make my own money.

Another poster mentioned something about the OP’s DH wanting to leave…if he really wants to- then how will she be okay if she is just a stay at home mom? I mean I would not rely on the fact that he would have to pay a boatload of child support. Anyway, I hope its not to that point anyway.

 

[LunadeMiel]

I'm curious as to why your husband doesn't want you to depend on him. Who else are you suppose to depend on?

 

[LadyPaniolo]

If he plans to leave, and it sounds like he IS cheating already, you need to document *everything*. Dollars to donuts the jumpoff works with him. Get the phone while he's asleep and write down all the call log info. The fact that he cheated will be very relevant in the divorce proceedings. Find out who she is because he will start transferring money and other assets to her ( or to relatives) before he files.

I am SO SORRY this has happened but you need to protect yourself and your kids.

eta: and don't dream of working one single day before the proceedings, it will cost you WAY MORE than you could earn.

 

[MD_Lady]

...In my heart I believe that my husband wants me to be working so as he can leave the marriage and not feel guilty about abandonning me...

I'm sorry to hear this, but if you truly believe this in your heart of hearts, you should start taking steps to protect yourself and your children.

 

[BlackMasterPiece]

Thank you for all the posts thus far! I knew you all would come in an give me some good food for thought. I'm trying to "thank" all the posts but the board is acting wierd and telling me I don't have sufficient priviliges, blah blah blah.

multiquote is not working for me so here goes...

@ Lady P: girl I could really start a whole 'nother post on that topic because I do feel that he is tired of me and wants out of the relationship. He's just changed from the man I used to know and love. When he's mad at me he deletes me off his FB. He acts crazy nervous when I touch the cell phone and keeps it in his pocket at all times and even goes to the bathroom with it. He's into hanging with the boys from work all of a sudden (a bunch of young white dudes who seem to worship him as the cool novelty black guy, lol). His new motorcycle...his seemingly newfound love of...ahem.."mic checks", lol.

@ Poorbear - my high schooler leaves for school at about 8:15, the two middle girls catch the bus at 8:25 and my sons bus is at about the same time 8:20ish.

I would like to go to school and maybe become a health care aide not because I'm passionate about the elderly, but because it tends to be flexible...

In my heart I believe that my husband wants me to be working so as he can leave the marriage and not feel guilty about abandonning me.

We got married very young. I was 18 and he was 20. He was not legal in this country. He said he loved me and wanted to be with me, but would be deported if he didn't have a sponsor. I went against my parents and got married in secret. We didn't discuss careers, children etc.

Oh my goodness Wow, this is the problem with relying 100% on the whims and finances of a man.

To be fully honest, you should trust your instincts, it seems that he married you for papers and now that he has them he's tryna cut ties with you

LadyP gave some excellent advice....TAKE IT. Listen to your instincts and get your ducks lined up in a row starting from NOW.

 

[Black Ambrosia]

Lots of good points have been mentioned already. I really hope this isn't a sign that your marriage is on shaky ground. The way your husband is talking to you raises red flags but it could be his frustration with finances. I can't imagine supporting a family of 6 on $26 per hour.

It sounds like you have accepted that you have to work but really don't want to work. Maybe if you showed more compassion or appreciation for him carrying the load all these years then he might do the same for you. It really sounds like the financial pressure is getting to him and that he hasn't been sharing all of it with you. He needs help and the idea that you'll be home with so much free time now that all of the kids are in school is burning him up. Compromise goes both ways.

ETA: What is going on with the forum? It took forever for this message to post and when it did there were at least five other messages.

OP, after reading your second post I don't think you should look for a job. If this ends in divorce then you'll have to get a job anyway. The alimony and child support will still be based on his $26/hour job so it won't be a lot of money. Right now you need to take Lady P's advice and start compiling evidence. The cell phone, cell phone bills, emails, etc... will tell you what you need to know. If its a land line then you may be able to google the number and find out the name and address.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

All the Gloria Steinem talk ain't helping the OP right now. Situation is critical- this is a prepping for divorce situation.

He ain't hanging with those white boys. He is hanging with a WOMAN. Can you put a "tattler" gps tracking device on his car? You will need to prove his infidelity. If you can catch him in the act, and film it, your case will be sewn up.

Yes, you'll need to work eventually but not yet. Wait to apply until the divorce- he will be legally obligated to support you AND the kids. But if you are working he's cut his cost by half or MORE.

The evidence is on the phone. Texts and calls are your best bet. Call the phone company TODAY and ask for a duplicate billing statement, say you lost it or something. The slore's number will be all over it.

 

[shinyblackhair]

Thanks everyone...

Part of me is totally feeling sorry for myself and feeling very resentful. I know he sees me as someone with no ambition, no goals...I'm almost starting to believe it. I have to get myself together and throw away my dreams be realistic. I can't imagine being a single mother of 4, but I'm a mother of 4 and I may be single whether I like it or not. I can't believe this is the same man I married. I guess he's not the same man, as I know there is a big difference between 20 and 35. A lot happens in those years. It will be our 15th anniversary in a month and we have no plans to do anything special. Man...

 

[LadyPaniolo]

Thanks everyone...

Part of me is totally feeling sorry for myself and feeling very resentful. I know he sees me as someone with no ambition, no goals...I'm almost starting to believe it. I have to get myself together and throw away my dreams be realistic. I can't imagine being a single mother of 4, but I'm a mother of 4 and I may be single whether I like it or not. I can't believe this is the same man I married. I guess he's not the same man, as I know there is a big difference between 20 and 35. A lot happens in those years. It will be our 15th anniversary in a month and we have no plans to do anything special. Man...

I know it hurts. It hurts awfully I bet. But nothing could hurt more than being a single mom of 4 who gets a pittance in the divorce. Your life is on fire right this minute. Try to turn off your emotions so you can ACT.

eta: he sees you as without ambition because: 1. it's easier to betray someone if you demonize them first. and 2. the jumpoff works, and she's been saying "oh, poor you, how evil of your wife not to work! *i* will always work... Don't believe the hype. You sacrificed for your family for 15 years! That is honorable!

 

[dlewis]

Honey, I don't want you to get upset or angry with me. But what your husband is telling you... and your description of his behavior... it sounds like he might have one foot out the door. In a divorce, a man with a stay at home wife and minor children will have to pay SERIOUS child support and spousal support. If he can get you working, he will cut his financial obligations to you and the kids by a significant amount. If I were you, before laying a finger on that resume, I'd start snooping on 1. his email 2. his voicemail 3. his facebook if he has one. When a man starts shoving his wife out the door, many times it's because he wants a divorce... and men never leave until they have a replacement.

eta: going on nights would mess up his playtime with a mistress. If he really just wanted the extra income, he'd be happy to accommodate you with changing shifts. Think about it. I'm not saying for sure that he is, but I'm saying YOU NEED TO BE SURE HE ISN'T before you even think about taking a job.

This happened to a friend of mine. He encouraged, really forced her to go back to work. Knowing the whole time he would make things so difficult she would leave and file for divorce. Because she had been working the last two years of their marriage he only had to pay her $2000 per month. Which was nothing.