My friend wants me to straighten my hair for her wedding!

[WyrdWay]

It is her wedding.

This is like getting mad about her wanting you to wear a dress that she picked out instead of letting you wear what you want.

Women always want things a certain way in their weddings, its probably nothing to do with anything as deep as you may feel it is.

 

[Fine 4s]

Honestly, there's no need to clarify if in fact you didn't want to be in another wedding. It's not negative it is what it is. There's a lot of money and energy going into planning what is essentially a party. There's all this emphasis on doing everything the bride wants you to do and it can be way too much sometimes.

I think you are being more than polite by complying for a friend. It's not like you're gonna tear the wig off in the middle of the dance floor at the reception are you (If you do, post pics!)

I think she needs to clarify or answer this question...lol

 

[Truth]

So just straighten it, or wear a wig. What's all the commotion for? What cause she's askin her friend to do something for her wedding? She's not askin her to gain 50lbs,. wear a trash bag ,and sing umpa lumpa at her wedding. She probably accepts her fro and all, just for her day,she would want uniformity and the focus on her. Honestly I'd do the same thing. If i want u in curls,curls it is. If I want u in a Hot pink fro with bunny ears, and a tutu..u better have it on when u walk down the aisle. Nothing wrong with being uniformed. Cha'girl may not understand that it is a process to straighten our hair, but she's not asking the impossible.

 

[curlyninjagirl]

This request would infuriate me! LOL.

I guess I've never really been around people who make this kind of request. We're more of the it-doesn't-matter-what-you-look-like sort. I think this is unbelievably rude.

NO one I know, has ever asked me to change my appearance for any kind of wedding or event (and I can look rough sometimes). It's like being a bride gives you free reign to be an A-hole and I'm not down with that. Sorry! We don't do bridezillas in my family.

 

[Lenee925]

This request would infuriate me! LOL.

I guess I've never really been around people who make this kind of request. We're more of the it-doesn't-matter-what-you-look-like sort. I think this is unbelievably rude.

NO one I know, has ever asked me to change my appearance for any kind of wedding or event (and I can look rough sometimes). It's like being a bride gives you free reign to be an A-hole and I'm not down with that. Sorry! We don't do bridezillas in my family.

Thank you. Yes, I understand the value of friendship, I understand the bride needs every little detail to go perfect for her big day, it her day, yada, yada. I wouldn't be infuriated but I would kindly decline to participate in the wedding party if it felt my appearance hinged on on person's complete happiness. It's not about "black women this", "some of yall that"; if OP doesn't want to do it she doesn't have to. Plain and simple. Friendship goes both ways and this friend should do herself a favor and understand why her request could have been taken out of context and squash it.

Frankly, I would love to have people with OP's hair in my wedding. I would have her put on a cute flower or headband of my color and be quite happy. I guess OP's friend isn't familiar with a little thing called "reversion" once she sweats? I would not expect my Caucasian sisters to do a braid out for me just because that's what I prefer. Bone straight hair and barrel curls are boring to me but, I'm not OP's friend. Good luck.

 

[FemmeCreole]

My brother is getting married next year and his fiance sent an email to all her bridesmaids (myself included) of how she wants our hair styled. I am currently natural...I just bc'd so I'm going to have to wear a weave or something to achieve the style she wants.

No biggie..... I think you're overly senstive on this bit

 

[BillsBackerz67]

@ the bolded which is exactly why the OP shouldnt look deeper than that. Hell most of the folks on this forum dont even understand their own hair, which is why they are here, so why should we expect anything more from the OP's friend?

White folks get excited about trying to do different things with their hair. Tell them you want to cornrow it and they'll bring you the comb

Thank you. Yes, I understand the value of friendship, I understand the bride needs every little detail to go perfect for her big day, it her day, yada, yada. I wouldn't be infuriated but I would kindly decline to participate in the wedding party if it felt my appearance hinged on on person's complete happiness. It's not about "black women this", "some of yall that"; if OP doesn't want to do it she doesn't have to. Plain and simple. Friendship goes both ways and this friend should do herself a favor and understand why her request could have been taken out of context and squash it.

Frankly, I would love to have people with OP's hair in my wedding. I would have her put on a cute flower or headband of my color and be quite happy. I guess OP's friend isn't familiar with a little thing called "reversion" once she sweats? I would not expect my Caucasian sisters to do a braid out for me just because that's what I prefer. Bone straight hair and barrel curls are boring to me but, I'm not OP's friend. Good luck.

 

[simplyFABULOUS]

I would do it..

#1. When you have your wedding day OP what crazy things are you going to ask your friends to do?? If they are good friends Im sure they will do it so this will eventually be a two way street. And you know just like I know that if one of your friends doesnt fall in line you will be pissed.

#2. Clearly your friend tried her best to understand and respect your hair beliefs because she did say that you could wear a wig. Which probably means that she understands somewhat why you choose not to straighten your hair.

#3. If she is a good friend and has been there for you this should be small fish. Dont take it so personal I am sure she is asking the other bridesmaids to do specific things as well.

 

[WhoIAm]

I'm gonna get REAL ignorant with this because of the "to accept a person as they are" comment. Would it be wrong to ask someone who does not normally shave, to shave their legs and armpits for the wedding? OR to arch their bushy unibrow? Cause I don't shave my legs or arch my brows but I'd totally understand if someone wants me to do it for their wedding.

If she had a problem with your unibrow she shouldn't have asked you to be a bridesmaid unless she established from the get go what is expected of you. Then you have the choice to accept or decline based on your comfort level.

 

[CherryCherryBoomBoom]

Wow at this thread

If I were you OP, I wouldn't have kicked such a fuss, and would have just happily donned the wig or even flat ironed my hair for the day. I didn't think it was asking for much really. It is her day after all, and maybe she wants all her bridesmaids to have the exact same hairstyles? It's only hair, and you'd only be temporarily changing it for the one day, so it's not like she asked you to shave it or to put relaxer in it or anything. Not like a wig on one day could even damage it really. Just my opinion though.

 

[Tylove101]

Yeah I agree. I've been in weddings and the bride wanted all bridesmaids to have up dos... one wanted everyone to have curls etc. I wouldn't take it to heart especially if she's a friend... and I would hope so because you're in her wedding.

maybe she just want everyone's hair to be the same...idk

 

[CocoBunny]

I haven't given it much thought, to be honest. A pulled back puff? I don't know. I don't feel like my hair is long enough to really 'do' anything with it.

and maybe that's what she is afraid of a didn't vocalize it properly. Maybe she wants is done not just looking any old way.

 

[Hair2Here]

You must be great friends if you were asked to be in the wedding. I'm in a wedding this coming September and the bride requested that we have our hair up with curls. I knew the bride would request a specific hairstyle and being a natural myself, I would have to do it for her or not being in her wedding.

There is absolutely no disrepect going on with your friends request. You should only have thought of good things if you are her friend. A true friend would not ask you to do something crazy or disrepectful. If she is not a true friend, decline to be in the wedding.

 

[Dak]

I would want to know why she asked me to straighten. Does she not want nappy hair in her wedding pictures? Relatives talking? Or is just a case of bridezilla? I can understand not wanting to flat iron or even wear a wig. Have you considered roller setting? You'd still have a curly look and it would be your hair. (I'm guessing she doesn't know that even if you have your hair flat ironed, it might very well be a fro by the middle of the wedding)

 

[ConstantlyDynamic]

hmm i think it's ridiculous that your friend told you this AFTER you already bought the dress, the shoes, etc. personally, i would be annoyed too so i don't think you're making a big deal out of it. i would try to figure out what everyone else is doing with their hair because if she doesn't have a specific style that she wants and everyone else is rocking their natural texture, why can't you? maybe i'm also biased because i would never be a bridezilla or ask for 100% uniformity (i personally think that a little variety at a wedding is beautiful-especially since different things flatter different people and i would want my bridesmaids to look their best since they'll be in my photos. i would just want beauty period). i never understood the phenomenon and i think it's absolutely ridiculous. i'm just not sure how your natural hair would mess up her wedding. is she going to have a breakdown just because it isn't straight? is she going to look back on the occasion and curse the heavens because someone had an afro at her wedding? if only you had known earlier though. it's too late to back out i think so you might as well rock a wig. but don't straighten it with a flat iron if you think your hair might revert or might get heat damage etc.

 

[Southernbella.]

I was a bride once and I would have never asked anyone to wear a weave or straighten or anything else. All I asked was that it was done some kinda way

OP, I agree with everyone who said to find out if she wants a particular style (which I wouldn't have an issue with) or if she just wants it straight instead of kinky. If it's the latter, we would have to talk about that.

Good luck!

ETA: Oh lawd, yall doing 5 much in here. The OP didn't curse the girl out. What's with the attitude and difficult and "that's what's wrong with black women" stuff? As far as I know, they haven't even discussed it yet. That's why she started a thread. Let the girl vent.

 

[Tiye]

hmmm. well it is her wedding. But if you arent comfortable with flat ironing
your hair let her know and im sure yall can come to some sort of compromise

^^ This.

She's the bride and she gets to choose the outfits, and accessories, including the hairdos for the the bridesmaids. If you're opposed to any piece of it then you can always not be a bridesmaid. It's not complicated.

 

[SweetSpirit86]

OP, I'm in the middle of planning my wedding as we speak. It's a gigantic headache, and while it's my day, I still want everyone else to look nice. If that means matching dresses, so be it. If that means matching shoes, pedicure, manicure, eyebrows, and makeup, so be it. If that means I want everyone's hair to look the same, so be it. None of those suggestions are because I don't "accept" my friends as they are, but simply because I have a certain idea of how I want MY wedding, and I would hope that the people I love and trust enough to ask to be in the position of bridesmaid would be supportive of that. Now, the fact that mine isn't like that is a whole different story.

I can assure you that she got some pep talk on how to approach you to ask you this, and if I'm right, that just shows all the more that she cares about your feelings. If she didn't, she would have come to you on some "RAWR THIS IS MY WEDDING AND YOU'LL DO WHAT I SAY OR WALK GDI!" tip, which she didn't and was willing to compromise since it seems heat isn't your thing. You should definitely talk to her about how you're feeling, since I doubt she's a psychic. White people simply don't harbor the same feelings about hair as we do, and so while she may understand that this presents some difficulty for you in some way, she may not know the extent to which it bothers you. However, I will agree with the majority of the ladies in this thread that it's only for one day, and it's not that big a deal. I'd give you a hug, but my arms don't go through computer screens all that well :x

Oh, and to those saying the bride should have said something beforehand...whatever. Honestly, I've got so much crap on my mind, I hadn't even thought of hair before reading this thread. I'm too busy fighting for a venue, and trying to get people fitted.

 

[mEmYSELFaNDj]

IMO, If she's a close enough friend to be in her wedding, then you know that she wasn't trying to offend you. She thinks very highly of you. But she just wants a certain look for her wedding. I say be a friend and straighten that hair, or throw one of your favorite wigs on. Its not that big of a deal. I could see if it was some random a$$ person telling you that, but its not. Respect her wishes or just don't be in the wedding if you feel that strongly.

 

[SND411]

I wonder if this whole discussion would have been different if the bride in question was black.

 

[ctosha]

To make this short and sweet I can see both points of view on this subject; however If it were me I wouldn't flat iron If I did not feel comfortable I would just put on a wig and call it a day.

 

[Guitarhero]

How do you normally wear your hair? Is it disheveled looking? Are the bridesmaids wearing the same exact hairstyle? I could understand if she wanted an updo with a side flower or whatever uniform look for the bridesmaids...but to ask a Black person with curly hair to straighten their hair.....not very kewl in my book. You can wear typical bridesmaid style depending upon the length of your hair. Wigs? No.

 

[libertysince05]

well its only hair!

 

[Vashti]

I suppose you could wear a wig and forget about it if you already have one but I wouldn't bother. I would say no and politely decline to be in the wedding. You don't have to straighten your hair to make it look nice in a wedding or to create a certain updo or whatever. That can be done with natural hair.

 

[PJaye]

This is the reason why I declined participation in three prior weddings (two sisters, one BF).

While understanding that it is the bride’s day (what about the groom though?) that she has been planning and re-planning since she was a fetus, I feel that a typical bride’s sizable ego and the strain it places upon my blood pressure is too much of an encumbrance at this stage in my life.

I will take “bring a gift and be a simple guest” for $400, Alex.

 

[cutenss]

I can understand OP's POV. And why is it that everytime someone has a dilemma or a situation about their hair, and asks for advice or opinion, someone says "its just hair." Its not just hair. If that was the case then you would not be on this forum. This is not directed at anyone in particular. Its just an observation.

 

[*fabulosity*]

OP, I'm in the middle of planning my wedding as we speak. It's a gigantic headache, and while it's my day, I still want everyone else to look nice. If that means matching dresses, so be it. If that means matching shoes, pedicure, manicure, eyebrows, and makeup, so be it. If that means I want everyone's hair to look the same, so be it. None of those suggestions are because I don't "accept" my friends as they are, but simply because I have a certain idea of how I want MY wedding, and I would hope that the people I love and trust enough to ask to be in the position of bridesmaid would be supportive of that. Now, the fact that mine isn't like that is a whole different story.

I can assure you that she got some pep talk on how to approach you to ask you this, and if I'm right, that just shows all the more that she cares about your feelings. If she didn't, she would have come to you on some "RAWR THIS IS MY WEDDING AND YOU'LL DO WHAT I SAY OR WALK GDI!" tip, which she didn't and was willing to compromise since it seems heat isn't your thing. You should definitely talk to her about how you're feeling, since I doubt she's a psychic. White people simply don't harbor the same feelings about hair as we do, and so while she may understand that this presents some difficulty for you in some way, she may not know the extent to which it bothers you. However, I will agree with the majority of the ladies in this thread that it's only for one day, and it's not that big a deal. I'd give you a hug, but my arms don't go through computer screens all that well :x

Oh, and to those saying the bride should have said something beforehand...whatever. Honestly, I've got so much crap on my mind, I hadn't even thought of hair before reading this thread. I'm too busy fighting for a venue, and trying to get people fitted.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

I understand where you are coming from, OP, but I honestly don't think she asked you to straighten your hair because of its texture per se. I think she just wants an uniform look among the people in the wedding party. That's not too much to ask, and I'm sure it wasn't personal.

 

[yaya24]

I have a friend who loves braids. I love that she loves braids...BUT she can't have braids on my wedding day.

Don't take it personal.

 

[Curlykale]

I will be honest as you are looking at all our different perspectives.
I believe a wedding day is a day where people who are loved are invited, and the atmosphere should be determined by a sense of sharing and coparticipation much more than by these details. This idea of people as white canvases and the bride as the executive director spoils the atmosphere, sometimes even between the two lovers. When you ask a friend to come to your wedding day you should feel honoured if she accepts. You ask to play a role (bridesmaid) and they accept, even more honoured.

How do you demonstrate you feel honoured?

Asking things in an appropriate way, which means by discussing it together and by not taking for granted that people will like having their faces painted in shimmery olive green because you say so.

Sometimes people stress out and they don't think about this: try to understand if this friend is stressed or rude. If her nature is disrespectful, find an excuse and don't go, as at some point in life you will want to walk away from her.