My friend wants me to straighten my hair for her wedding!

[LaFemmeNaturelle]

I'm gonna get REAL ignorant with this because of the "to accept a person as they are" comment. Would it be wrong to ask someone who does not normally shave, to shave their legs and armpits for the wedding? OR to arch their bushy unibrow? Cause I don't shave my legs or arch my brows but I'd totally understand if someone wants me to do it for their wedding.

 

[CurlTalk]

If everyone's expected to wear a similar style, I'd go with it--it is her right to have uniformity within her bridal party.

However, if the styles are left up to the bridesmaids (you said she only requested that you straighten--not do a certain style), I would speak with her. If you were to just go along with something that irritated your core like that, regardless of whether it was 'her day' or not, it would only continue to eat at you and your friendship. If she is as good enough a friend so as to include you in her bridal party, surely approaching the hair issue respectfully and reaching a compromise would be the preferred approach to the situation.

All in all, she probably doesn't know how big of a deal this is to you. For most non-black curlies, straightening is no-biggie, a style option and no more or less. Our hair, however, typically carries much more weight with us due to its history--I'd be willing to bet that your friend isn't fully aware of the implications of blatantly asking you to drastically alter your hair texture, even if for a day, and would appreciate your telling her of your discomfort rather than wallowing in it...if she's a good friend, that is.

 

[ilahstrait]

Many woman become "bridezillas". Personally I feel like if it's what they want and you are offended to the point of declining than let her know. I would go with the wig though, because if heat is not an option for your locks you can support your friend by wigging it for the day.

 

[arosieworld]

I think that there is a HUGE difference between a punk, non-naturally occurring color, hairstyle and the hair that naturally grows out of your head.
Thinking out loud...
Soooooo, if someone was naturally busty would it be okay for he bride to ask her to tightly bind her breasts so that she (the bride) will get all of the attention???? I think not.

I think brides get a little crazy and the change the things they think are changeable. Breast size not being one of them, I have known brides who asked everyone to lose weight, to whiten their teeth, take out piercing, tan, wax eyebrows and in the case of myself I was asked to straighten my hair. I am just saying it not a big deal and the OP shouldn't jump to conclusions as to the reason behind her friend asking and get offend. The OP should at least give her friend the benefit of the doubt until they discuss it.

 

[lovegymnasts]

I'm gonna get REAL ignorant with this because of the "to accept a person as they are" comment. Would it be wrong to ask someone who does not normally shave, to shave their legs and armpits for the wedding? OR to arch their bushy unibrow?

Wear stockings and a dress with sleeves
Eyebrows...that's the way you were born. Same as if you had a lazy eye or "mousy" brown hair. I have one hip that is higher than the other. I have never plucked my eye brows a day in my life. My girl sure did not ask me to have them plucked for her wedding because she accepts me for who I am.
I also wear glasses. Neither her or my sister asked me to wear contacts when I was in their weddings.

 

[sweetlaughter]

so is everyone wearing their hair straight? does she have any other curly haired bridesmaids (yt ones at that) who don't have to straighten their hair?

 

[Fine 4s]

Are all the bridesmaids wearing it in a certain style? I need more information before I make an official judgment but I'm leaning towards you should not be offended and either do it or just don't be in the wedding if you are against it.

I'd be out.

Do you consider her a real friend? If so, I say braid it up and throw on your favorite wig. It not like you have to go out and spend money. She's most likely seen you with a wig on and figured you would have no problem with it. It's one afternoon. It won't change you as a person and I wouldn't let it ruin a friendship.

The bride is asking her to change herseld whether temporary or not.

My sis wanted me to have straight hair for her wedding but she said it was because it was her day and she wanted all the attention and my fro always gets attention. I didn't mind, I have a niece who is punk and if I get married her hair will be a normal color for that day.

LOL!

How is everyone else wearing their hair? In all the weddings I know of the bride wanted all the bridesmaids to have similar hairstyles. Maybe thats just what she is leaning towards, a feeling of uniformity.

I don't see anything wrong with her asking you to wear your hair straight and I don't think you should take it personally unless you are the only one expected to wear straight hair, then it would reflect a certain feeling she has about you personally.

I surely will be deciding how people wear their hair when I get married so i just think its not that offensive.

If she's looking for uniformity, she should just ask her to be white.
Something's you just don't ask folks to do. Maybe she wants the token black girl at the wedding. I kid, I kid.

I never understood the whole 'free pass' concept for a bride.
Her request is loaded because it goes way too deep and frankly it's invasive.

If I don't flat iron, I won't flat iron Period. Let's see how good of a friend she is to you and how much she wants YOU (and your natural given hair) to be part of her wedding. What, she gonna kick you out? Prolly not. Will she be pissed, prolly so.

What's more important to you? I'm soooooooooo for taking a stand and exercising your personal right to live as you please every second of the day including on 'her' day.

On another note, imagine the mental prep she did before she asked you LMAO! She probably got mad advice before asking...

 

[VirtuousBeauty]

I say ask her if there was a style she wanted all bridesmaids to have. Getting emotional off of assumptions is never going to help and it only escalates the situation in your mind as well as other ladies here. As she isn't black it can't be assumed she would automatically know where you are coming from. Just make sure to approach her in a positive manor

 

[veggiegirl314]

Such a good discussion in this thread! I'm loving all of the different perspectives. This is giving me a new outlook.

I'm not sure how the other bridesmaids are wearing their hair at the wedding. Hopefully I will find out tomorrow at the bridal shower.

 

[Je Ne Sais Quoi]

It's been so helpful getting everyone's perspective. Y'all are right; it IS just one day. I don't want this to end our friendship, although I will say it's putting a VERY bad taste in my mouth. But I'm going to bite the bullet, braid my hair up, and put on a wig. I guess I'll just grin and bear it.

But I'll be DAMNED if I'm ever in anyone else's wedding ever again.

Well goodness, with this type of attitude i'd doubt anyone else will ask you Just saying.

It's supposed to be a special occassion. I don't think your friend is trying to hurt you or be rude. She likely may think it's no big deal to ask. If you are against straightening your hair and it just sucks so bad to wear a wig for one day then I say just don't be in the wedding. You will likely not be happy on the brides day and really it isn't about you, it's about her. There need be no negativity.

 

[lilsparkle825]

If everyone's expected to wear a similar style, I'd go with it--it is her right to have uniformity within her bridal party.

However, if the styles are left up to the bridesmaids (you said she only requested that you straighten--not do a certain style), I would speak with her. If you were to just go along with something that irritated your core like that, regardless of whether it was 'her day' or not, it would only continue to eat at you and your friendship. If she is as good enough a friend so as to include you in her bridal party, surely approaching the hair issue respectfully and reaching a compromise would be the preferred approach to the situation.

All in all, she probably doesn't know how big of a deal this is to you. For most non-black curlies, straightening is no-biggie, a style option and no more or less. Our hair, however, typically carries much more weight with us due to its history--I'd be willing to bet that your friend isn't fully aware of the implications of blatantly asking you to drastically alter your hair texture, even if for a day, and would appreciate your telling her of your discomfort rather than wallowing in it...if she's a good friend, that is.

Best answer in the thread! This is exactly how I feel.

Wear stockings and a dress with sleeves
Eyebrows...that's the way you were born. Same as if you had a lazy eye or "mousy" brown hair. I have one hip that is higher than the other. I have never plucked my eye brows a day in my life. My girl sure did not ask me to have them plucked for her wedding because she accepts me for who I am.
I also wear glasses. Neither her or my sister asked me to wear contacts when I was in their weddings.

I laughed SO HARD. This is so random. Y'all are really reaching

 

[Fine 4s]

Well goodness, with this type of attitude i'd doubt anyone else will ask you Just saying.

It's supposed to be a special occassion. I don't think your friend is trying to hurt you or be rude. She likely may think it's no big deal to ask. If you are against straightening your hair and it just sucks so bad to wear a wig for one day then I say just don't be in the wedding. You will likely not be happy on the brides day and really it isn't about you, it's about her.

OP prolly alreay knew what she was going to do before asking.

Nothing to get emotional about when you're clear about who you are and what you stand for. Situations like this become very simple. Live your life the way you want to period, point blank. Not about her being white, black or green, not about her thinking your not good enough or anything outside of you.

But if you're feeling like this, I'd stand up for what I believe (whatever that position it), be true to myself and be in all the other wedding that fit my values. If you explain to her why you don't want to flat iron your hair, maybe she'll get it. The older I get, the more I realize I don't do bear and grin well....it always comes out AND I look like a bigger fool LOLOLOL.
With hidden feelings like this, might as well get rid of that friendship now 'cuz it ain't gonna last, your values aren't aligned.

However, I have a problem with someone even making such a request without discussing the hairstyle.

 

[veggiegirl314]

I hadn't already made my decision before I started this post. I was actually just looking for some feedback from women of color.

I don't think I have a bad attitude about this. I would NEVER be rude or harsh to my friend about this, and I certainly won't pout the day of the wedding if I do have to wear a wig. I came here to vent and get some advice, that's all.

 

[Nonie]

I am with JNSQ. She just has that je ne sais quoi of saying things more concisely than I would.

OP, I know a wedding where all the bridesmaids wore long weaves (those with short hair) and then everyone had the hair styled in an elaborate updo with pearls and the uniformity was just B.E.A.U.T.I.F.U.L!!!! I think a little compromise for a friend is not too much to ask, especially considering that we have such an awesome versatile mane, why not showcase what you can do. It can be a nice change for you too for a few days.

 

[NAPPYCHICK86]

The point is not accepting a person as they are!
If she is good enough as she is to be a close friend, why is she not good enough as she is to be in the wedding?

I dont think the bride is trying to be rude I just think its her preference. So op if i were you I wouldnt take offense. Its just one day get a wig for your friends special day.

 

[Fine 4s]

I hadn't already made my decision before I started this post. I was actually just looking for some feedback from women of color.

I don't think I have a bad attitude about this. I would NEVER be rude or harsh to my friend about this, and I certainly won't pout the day of the wedding if I do have to wear a wig. I came here to vent and get some advice, that's all.

Hmmmm....I think we just look for folks to support what we already know. but that's for another time and place. No real place here so forget I said that.

Now you KNOW I don't think you have a bad attitude about it. Heck, I thought you were leaning in the direction of NOT flat ironing or getting a wig and I'm all for it. I'd come and pick out the fro for ya lol The bad attitude I think she means is not towards your friend but the feeling within you about other weddings. Unless you were joking that is....you were right?

 

[Fine 4s]

I am with JNSQ. She just has that je ne sais quoi of saying things more concisely than I would.

OP, I know a wedding where all the bridesmaids wore long weaves (those with short hair) and then everyone had the hair styled in an elaborate updo with pearls and the uniformity was just B.E.A.U.T.I.F.U.L!!!! I think a little compromise for a friend is not too much to ask, especially considering that we have such an awesome versatile mane, why not showcase what you can do. It can be a nice change for you too for a few days.

Good positive spin on it. Boooooooooooooooooring.
lol

 

[mscocoface]

Did she tell you this before she asked you to be a bridesmaid?

Have you bought the dress and now she has asked you to wear your hair straight.

That would make me a little suspect. I think if you are ever asked to be any any other weddings ask the bride what type of hairstyle she will want.

I would suggest that of all the ladies who don't want to wear a wig or straighten their hair. Might as well get all that out in the opening up front.

 

[veggiegirl314]

I was half-joking about not wanting to be in any more weddings. I'm not going to do that to my friends. But if someone ever asks me to be in their wedding again, I'm going to have a discussion about my hair FIRST! lol

 

[veggiegirl314]

Did she tell you this before she asked you to be a bridesmaid?

Have you bought the dress and now she has asked you to wear your hair straight.

That would make me a little suspect. I think if you are ever asked to be any any other weddings ask the bride what type of hairstyle she will want.

I would suggest that of all the ladies who don't want to wear a wig or straighten their hair. Might as well get all that out in the opening up front.

She didn't tell me this when she asked me to be a bridesmaid. I already bought the dress and the shoes, so I'm in.

 

[Fine 4s]

She didn't tell me this when she asked me to be a bridesmaid. I already bought the dress and the shoes, so I'm in.

I was asked, I accepted, reviewed ideas for the dress, found out how much it cost later in the planing stage and peaced out real quick!
Homie don't play that brokeness for someone else's wedding. Ima be broke and single and she gonna be broke (dem weddings cost $) and married. Not even. LOL

 

[manter26]

I'm sure there are brides that have asked for barrel curls or candy curls for their bridesmaids. It's really no different. If you are the only curly girl being asked to straighten her hair, I would give that the side eye...but I highly doubt that is the case. There's nothing wrong with uniformity. I wouldn't be offended.

 

[B3e]

just call her. heart2heart and hopefully either find a nice wig happily or manage to have her change her mind. it's probably all a matter of misunderstanding each others feelings/motives.

i can never imagine myself asking just one of my bridesmaids to change their look, it's either they are all uniform in an amazing style or they're told to style themselves appropriately (and this would all depend on the wedding theme, location, etc). If they are my bridesmaids they should have mind enough to understand what is appropriate and what isn't.

but bottom line—I've never been a bride—but if someone was uncomfortable with my direction i'd hope they would say something, just because i'm a bride doesn't mean i don't still value honesty. IMHO it's the groom's job to spoil the bride after their amazing day, anyone else should be kind, but not help create a bridezilla lol. but that's just me.

let her know how you feel, you'll probably realize you just need to realign yourselves. hair is nice, but never worth losing a friendship...hair can be replaced for the most part....good friends not so easily.

 

[GeauXavi]

For MOST people (esp. white) with curly hair... flat ironing is no big deal. it's us hair sisters who are such sticklers about this. like previous posters said...most brides want a uniform look for their bridesmaids. a lot of times...brides will ask their wedding party to wear curls when they have straight hair.

you are already agreeing to wear a dress that you probably didn't pick the style or color of...what's the big deal about complying with the hairstyle to complete the look? Also, OP I've noticed that a lot of naturals and transitioners (myself included) have responded in the same way... i just don't think it's that deep:-/

 

[Dragone]

If you already wear wigs sometimes, I don't see why you're so offended. It would be different if you never work anything but a curly wng or twa or something and she told you to straighten it or go buy a good wig. The only people who get to be individuals during a wedding are the bride and groom, I thought, everyone else is just background lol.

 

[dafnie]

yeah... i was in a wedding and we all had to get weave all at the same length... it's her wedding-- her special day! and yes... u are entitled to ask her to wear a fro at your wedding lol... it'll be your wedding!!

 

[lilsparkle825]

If you already wear wigs sometimes, I don't see why you're so offended. It would be different if you never work anything but a curly wng or twa or something and she told you to straighten it or go buy a good wig. The only people who get to be individuals during a wedding are the bride and groom, I thought, everyone else is just background lol.

This is just my opinion, but that's different. If OP wears wigs sometimes, it is simply because she feels like it. No one is telling her "ooh girl, your hair doesn't work in this corporate setting. I think you need to wear a wig." (Maybe not that exact thing, but you see what I mean.) This is someone else's preference being pushed onto her.

Heck, maybe it's because I'm not married or haven't been in any weddings (except for my mom's, when I was five) that I can relate with OP's initial shock.

 

[MrsHdrLe]

I hope you do what is best about your delemma. (sometimes it really isn't about us though). Have fun.

 

[Renewed1]

Opster, I'm glad you are going to comply to her wishes. If you think about it.....it's not that big of a deal. Consider you straightening your hair as a chance to do a length check or something.

 

[Nonie]

Good positive spin on it. Boooooooooooooooooring.
lol

Be quiet, Fine!