My friend wants me to straighten my hair for her wedding!

[hopeful]

It's been so helpful getting everyone's perspective. Y'all are right; it IS just one day. I don't want this to end our friendship, although I will say it's putting a VERY bad taste in my mouth. But I'm going to bite the bullet, braid my hair up, and put on a wig. I guess I'll just grin and bear it.
....

She shouldn't want to end the friendship either. It goes both ways. If she wants an updo, fine, you can do that with your natural hair. If she wants it down, half-up/half-down, you can do that with twists or braids. My point is there are many things you can do with your natural hair. You are not insisting on wearing a fro.

If it were me, I would have a talk with her. I'm actually surprised that a real friend wouldn't know you well enough to see this may be a problem. I also wouldn't be offended and huffy either. You know your hair is beautiful and that's all that matters. Maybe you two can look at pics and find a solution together.

I hadn't already made my decision before I started this post. I was actually just looking for some feedback from women of color.

I don't think I have a bad attitude about this. I would NEVER be rude or harsh to my friend about this, and I certainly won't pout the day of the wedding if I do have to wear a wig. I came here to vent and get some advice, that's all.

You do not have a bad attitude about this at all.

I was half-joking about not wanting to be in any more weddings. I'm not going to do that to my friends. But if someone ever asks me to be in their wedding again, I'm going to have a discussion about my hair FIRST! lol

Exactly! Lesson learned. Next time you will be ready.

 

[Bnster]

Don't straighten it, no way man, I would be ticked off and upset. One of three things, 1 talk to her and ask why your hair is not good enough and you can show her several different styles you are thinking of doing for the wedding. 2nd wear a wig (swallow your pride) or 3rd opt out of being a bridesmaid and be a guest. I am upset for you, I would try the first or wear the wig only to not upset the bride. I am thinking what the ....

Oh wear the wig at the wedding but at the reception wear your natural hair. Now that is me being mischievous!

 

[SelahOco]

I hadn't already made my decision before I started this post. I was actually just looking for some feedback from women of color.

I don't think I have a bad attitude about this. I would NEVER be rude or harsh to my friend about this, and I certainly won't pout the day of the wedding if I do have to wear a wig. I came here to vent and get some advice, that's all.

I don't see a bad attitude either. I just see a person who needed to vent a little.

I had a friend who told all her girls she didn't want anyone wearing braids in her wedding. Her best friend got micros a few days before. She was furious.

I wasn't a picky bride like that, so I can't fully relate. But, if she feels that your curly hair is not formal enough, thats a cultural barrier most likely. You have to decide if you want to educate her, or have that discussion. If it's not worth it to you, just rock the wig.

I do think its cultural, and she's not trying to offend. But I do think she is offensive, without knowing so. Your natural hair is beautiful and in an updo it would be perfectly appropriate. But, she might feel like formal means straight.

People always operate within their own realm of understanding. If she's your friend, it might be worth it to get to the bottom of what she's thinking. But if you know her heart, and you know she means no hard, rock the wig.

Thank God you're a wig wearer, cause many naturals don't iron, and she'd be in a whole heap of trouble if she made that request to the wrong person.

 

[Coffee]

Just give her the benefit of the doubt, and have a talk about it. Don't get upset without having all the answers.

 

[ActionActress]

I'm beyond livid. She's white, so maybe she doesn't understand natural hair...but I think it's really BOLD to ask me to straighten my hair for her wedding (I'm a bridesmaid).

She told me that if I didn't want to straighten my hair, I could wear a wig. A wig?!

I'll keep that in mind when I have MY wedding someday. If I choose her as a bridesmaid, I'll request that she wear an AFRO wig.

Am I being way out of line here for being upset about this?

Well, I understand you and her. The question would be...how do you normally wear your natural hair? is it an untamed look or tamed? If untamed she may simply want it more "presentable or with order." That could be a clue. It would be my concern as well...esp we were are going for a particular uniformed appearance.

AA

 

[StopMakingSense]

If she's looking for uniformity, she should just ask her to be white.

Hilarious!!! That line stopped me in my tracks.. too much. *dead*

 

[WhipEffectz1]

Its her wedding. Gosh, I would want everyone to look similar according to my wishes. There's nothing wrong with a wig....they actually make some people look better. lol

I don't want no braids, no mile high updos and no gel to death styles. All normal updos....if not then you can respectfully decline to be in the wedding which I take it will offend you as well....

I hope some of yall are giving these guys a hard time about accepting natural hair as well....

 

[WhipEffectz1]

I hadn't already made my decision before I started this post. I was actually just looking for some feedback from women of color.

I don't think I have a bad attitude about this. I would NEVER be rude or harsh to my friend about this, and I certainly won't pout the day of the wedding if I do have to wear a wig. I came here to vent and get some advice, that's all.

Well be prepared for the feedback that you will get in here. Bride's have enough to worry about with planning,etc. If it means that much to you then talk to her about it. I wish someone would ask me about "why can't I wear a mile high updo!" How about you ask if I need help with the invitations or something. I hope no one pulls this before my wedding and have nerves to ask me ab out it. haha I will fly into a rage....literally

 

[WhipEffectz1]

This reminds me of my college friend wedding and she asked for all updos. Well my other friend refused, saying she wanted to wear a bob. Showed up at the wedding looking all kinds of chewed. Embarrassing....

 

[WhipEffectz1]

Well goodness, with this type of attitude i'd doubt anyone else will ask you Just saying.

It's supposed to be a special occassion. I don't think your friend is trying to hurt you or be rude. She likely may think it's no big deal to ask. If you are against straightening your hair and it just sucks so bad to wear a wig for one day then I say just don't be in the wedding. You will likely not be happy on the brides day and really it isn't about you, it's about her. There need be no negativity.

Like this!!!.....

 

[brucebettye]

When I got married I let my maid of honor and bride maids pick out the dress they wanted to wear. I just told them the color it hade to be. Also I did not tell them how to wear their hair. I guess I was not a brideszilla so those details I did not care about. I look back at the pictures and all the ladies and gentlemen look nice in my wedding pictures.

I would just ask my friend if she wanted all the people in her wedding party to have the same hairstyle.

Sometimes people get so wrapped up in the wedding that they forget about the marriage and get divorced before the ink is dry on the marriage certificate.

 

[hopeful]

Also, I get the wanting everyone to look similiar, coordinated. But in the end it's about sharing your special day with your closest friends. Everyone can't be slim, have long hair, be tall, short, blonde, etc. If everyone has to be the same in every way then maybe only be friends with people who have all of the same physical qualities--now wouldn't that be so cute? Or better yet, instead of having friends for bridesmaids maybe hire models who meet the standards required.

 

[Nonie]

So if we're going to be so difficult about a simple hairdo that we would perhaps do on our own but are just taking offense coz we were asked to as the rules of the wedding, then we might as well wear whatever the heck we want. Forget the colors of the wedding. "I don't like orange so I will NOT BE MADE TO WEAR A COLOR THAT ISN'T ME. If she can't accept me in the color that I prefer and that I'm comfortable in, then she's not really being a good friend." *storms out of the room in tears*



C'mon now! I could understand the uproar if the chick said you HAD to press your hair, no alternative! But she even was willing to compromise and accommodate your apparent concern about damaging your hair, and welcome a wig.

Y'all are a buncha hard-headed pains in the rear!

 

[smwrigh3]

dang... If your mad about straightening your hair for someone else's special day you would hate to be in my wedding.

I plan on all my brides having hair weaves of the same length and the same style and all tattoos shall be cover with makeup. eyebrows waxed, legs shaved, nails the same color, and any other grooming that is to my preference if you don't like it you can easily remove yourself no hard feelings. I dont want to make you conform to something that will eat away at ur psyche for days to come BUT my braids will look exactly the same.

I would offend if she said relax it.. she said straighten it which after a long night of partying can be washed and back to normal.. no harm no foul.

 

[SingBrina]

I'm beyond livid. She's white, so maybe she doesn't understand natural hair...but I think it's really BOLD to ask me to straighten my hair for her wedding (I'm a bridesmaid).

She told me that if I didn't want to straighten my hair, I could wear a wig. A wig?!

I'll keep that in mind when I have MY wedding someday. If I choose her as a bridesmaid, I'll request that she wear an AFRO wig.

Am I being way out of line here for being upset about this?

I wouldnt be too upset, I mean she just wants your hair to look a certain way for her wedding just like she wants you to wear her colors she picks. Ya know... its her day and she picked you to be in her wedding... I want all my girls in my wedding to have their hair straight and down because I love it!!! It is not to offend, its just that its what I want them to do to go with the dress and what I have in mind for my special day... i might even change to them having it up and i know some will be upset because they love their hair down, lol, oh well!

 

[YaniraNaturally]

Some of ya'll are too much

For my wedding everyone's hair will most likely be in an updo. If they don't like it then they need to step to the side. I don't think everyones hair needs to be a carbon copy, but there will not be any excessive variation. A cousin of mine recently asked me to be in her wedding. When I saw the orange dresses, weaves and her other plans for the bridesmaids I politely declined. No need to get up in arms.

It's her day and this is her vision, not yours. Planning a wedding is already stressful enough and she probably doesn't need the extra confusion.

 

[CaribbeanQueen]

OP has she seen you wear a wig or a straight hairstyle before? If so, then this may be the reason she felt comfortable asking you to wear it that way. If have worn your hair like that before then there would be no reason for her to think that you have a problem with straight hair.

In any case,you should find out how the other bridesmaids will be wearing their hair and find a style that looks similar which isn't going to be damaging.

 

[lalla]

I understand why the OP is upset. It seems like a rude thing to say to someone.

I don't live in the US, I've only lived in Europe and in Africa. In those countries I've lived in, it would be considered very rude to ask such a thing. Actually most brides would not pay attention to such details. In this case I guess cultural differences make whatever advice I could give irrelevant.

 

[Miss*Tress]

I haven't given it much thought, to be honest. A pulled back puff? I don't know. I don't feel like my hair is long enough to really 'do' anything with it.

Maybe that's what your friend is afraid of. Why not find pics of pretty natural styles you could wear and ask if those alternatives are acceptable.

 

[fletgee]

First of all I am so over these brides who insist this will be her day and everyone must march to her drum. erplexed Get a grip. It's one day in the grand design of life.

And, I thought it was their day, silly me.

Don't get me wrong. Every bride should enjoy her wedding day. But don't expect the world to turn handsprings because you're getting married.

That being said.....

You have two simple choices.

You can be in her wedding and be who she wants you to be.

Or you can walk away and be who you are.

 

[Lenee925]

I was half-joking about not wanting to be in any more weddings. I'm not going to do that to my friends. But if someone ever asks me to be in their wedding again, I'm going to have a discussion about my hair FIRST! lol

Honestly, there's no need to clarify if in fact you didn't want to be in another wedding. It's not negative it is what it is. There's a lot of money and energy going into planning what is essentially a party. There's all this emphasis on doing everything the bride wants you to do and it can be way too much sometimes.

I think you are being more than polite by complying for a friend. It's not like you're gonna tear the wig off in the middle of the dance floor at the reception are you (If you do, post pics!)

 

[Vintageglam]

Op I have nothing more to add as I feel the other women in this thread have put their cases forward so eloquently except:


Half wig :$30

Keeping a freindship which means so much to you : priceless

 

[Blyss_curls]

I see there are women here, that couldn't care less about the little details of their weddings.
There's also some representing the more "concerned" brides, who know how they want every detail of the wedding.

Everyone is different, (there's room for all)...it's just a difference of opinion and style it seems.

Some ladies have been planning their "special day" since they were little girls.
It's important, imo--to try to be understanding (and patient with) that. It can also be an incredibly stressful time( for example--family, extended family, pressures they place, etc.)..you never know.

So sometimes it's best to not rock the boat, and to try to make things as easy as you can on the bride. There's always something going on behind the scenes, that may be making her life difficult (whether she says so or not).

I understand your feelings, op (I'm sure I'd feel the same way, in your position). Glad you vented, and got some of your feelings out, but you seem ok with a wig.

Girl, I've seen women that tell their bridesmaids they had to lose however many pounds before their wedding day ....how cold is that?

Hair straightening (or a wig) by comparison, still may cause some hurt feelings, but not quite as bad as "Um...your butt's too big for my wedding party--Imma' need for you to drop some poundage!"

 

[Zawaj]

I know this has been talked to death but have you been in a lot of weddings OP? I've been in 30+ weddings and the brides typically have specific requests about hair/nails/makeup. I just figure it goes with the territory. Maybe I've just had a lot of bridezillas but believe me if straightening your hair is the most irritating thing she's asked you to do count your blessings.

 

[Curlee_lurker]

Y'all are a buncha hard-headed pains in the rear!

Some of y'all exemplify what people keep on telling me about black women being so difficult. It's her wedding, either do what she requests or don't be a part of it.

It's just hair, I promise it's not that serious. If one of my closest friends had that request I'd do it to make her happy. My assumption would be that anyone that would invite me to be in their wedding would be someone I know and love enough to straighten my hair for one day (or wear a weave or wig if I weren't into straightening). I'm shocked that you described this woman as a friend and then proceeded to complain about something so trivial.

 

[Leeda.the.Paladin]

I wouldn't straighten my hair, if I were very against it, for someone's wedding. I do straighten on occasion so I might do it for a friend's wedding. Now, if I were never to straighten, I would get a wig in a heartbeat (might still do it if I didn't want to straighten)

I do think that straightening hair is different for white people than black people. I know a lot of curly haired white girls that get up in the morning and straighten their hair before work. I need about 4-5 hours to straighten mine LOL. In other words, they dont' see it as a big of a deal. Having said that, your friend may not be aware of how different it can be for a woman of color to straighten her hair.

 

[*fabulosity*]

In a previous life.. someone asked me to LOSE WEIGHT to be in their wedding.. and I did it.. so IMO wearing a wig when you already have them and wear them is no big deal...

I'm lucky my girls were easy... having just gone through this.. I try to understand both sides.. but when you agree to be a bridesmaid.. you accept certain duties.. which one very important one is catering to the bride. If she's a good friend of yours.. I just think that you won't make a big deal about it.

If it is a big deal.. like a dealbreaker.. you'll tell her early and in advance that you can't comply and graciously decline to be in the wedding.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

Im a curly and I wouldnt be offended in the least. I look good either way. I say this because my hair draws a lot of attention when its free and out Somtimes even blocking others who Im standing next to in pics. So I dont consider my "Jaden Smith" hair appropriate for an event like that. I think it draws attention and focus away from everyone else, and in the the case of weddings "standing out" is not the goal, unless you are the bride.

I think the primary reason she asked is for uniformity and prob didnt think it would offend you. Just becasue you are sensitive about your hair doesnt mean others should walk on eggshells. Some folks could care less and not feel as "deep" about things, so you can't really blame her for being ignorant about the culture, attachment, and history of natural hair.

ETA the same thing goes for dance recitals and other events. No one is allowed to wear their hair any old type of way. If you dont like it, then you wont be in the routine.

 

[anon123]

If you already wear straight wigs, it's no big deal. I wouldn't be doing it, though. I don't wear wigs and my hair doesn't get straight without force and pain. She could have her fairy princess day with no afros to ruin it w/o me.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

^^^ and she prob asked OP about a wig becasue she's seen the OP in wigs on separate occasions and may have liked one of the styles.