My Friend Is Being Abused By Her BF

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CityGirlLuv

CityGirlLuv

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I was just talking to a friend on FB and basically from everything that she's telling me, she needs to get away from her boyfriend asap. It's not that she doesn't want to leave, she has no where to go to. She can't legally come up to VA b/c she has two kids that were born and raised in NC and the fact that they went to court one time and basically the court was gonna let her bf have the kids b/c well the home is his and the kids were born in NC and the fact that his family has money. She has cuts and bruises and has called the cops on him about domestic abuse...this is what she told me about what the cops said:

"I have called the cops on him for domestic abuse. Even the cops told me I would be smart not to press charges because if i did i would have to be out of his house at that moment. I have no where to go here in NC so I wouldnt be able to have the babies. Last night I did report my car stolen. He took it to go do shrooms and thats why he is saying i need to apologize to his friends. Because the cops were about to go to his friends house unless he brought the car back. He is saying I embarrassed him and everyone thinks im stupid. Then he was flipping out because his friends could have went to jail for all the stuff that was at their house. So what!
He left these kids here at the house by themselves for like an hour."

She lives in Oxford, NC and if any of you know of anything that I can do to get her out asap, please let me know. I'm phoning friends to see how far away from there they live so she can get back on her feet. He told her she wasn't allowed to get a job, see her friends and family up here in va, etc. It's heartbreaking and I never knew until now when she went off on FB about it.

ETA: Would you know of any shelters within the area. She does have a car so that's a plus on her end.

ETA 2: She just sent me this "Like you dont even know the half of it! Ive been to social services and they wont even help me. J makes too much money for us to get "help" so I can not apply while living in his house. The only way I can apply is if I press charges then I have to wait 30 days + for them to get everything in the system and passed."
 
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You mean to tell me she can't just take the kids and move to VA and let him file for custody? Which I don't think he would, it sound like he is using the kids to control her. Is her family in VA not willing to help? If the court did not award him custody, it is not kidnapping. If the family is willing to help, she should wait till the kids are out of school and the man go to work, pack up the car and go to VA. When she gets there, she should find a job ASAP to maintain stability. I would front like I went to visit but decided to stay...
 
Keen said:
You mean to tell me she can't just take the kids and move to VA and let him file for custody? Which I don't think he would, it sound like he is using the kids to control her. Is her family in VA not willing to help? If the court did not award him custody, it is not kidnapping. If the family is willing to help, she should wait till the kids are out of school and the man go to work, pack up the car and go to VA. When she gets there, she should find a job ASAP to maintain stability. I would front like I went to visit but decided to stay...
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No, this is her message to me about it: "Girl, I have bruised and cuts and everything else. It doesnt matter. His family has money and he gets away with everything! Last night we got in this horrible fight because he took MY CAR and went off with his friends to do some shrooms. I cant take but so much.
I tried staying with S before but legally I cant go to VA.
Its against the law to take kids (even though they are mine) across state lines unless I have a court ordered form stating I can.
We have been down that road already. Thats why I ended up here again. When we went to court they were going to take my kids away and let him have them because I did not have a home to take them too that was in NC."
 
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CityGirlLuv said:
No, this is her message to me about it: "Girl, I have bruised and cuts and everything else. It doesnt matter. His family has money and he gets away with everything! Last night we got in this horrible fight because he took MY CAR and went off with his friends to do some shrooms. I cant take but so much.
I tried staying with Steph before but legally I cant go to VA.
Its against the law to take kids (even though they are mine) across state lines unless I have a court ordered form stating I can.
We have been down that road already. Thats why I ended up here again. When we went to court they were going to take my kids away and let him have them because I did not have a home to take them too that was in NC."
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He is making sure she never leave. I guess she needs to start praying he find another woman and kick her to the curb. I would not leave without my kids either. She would need a lot of assistance.
 
I know, if she could come to VA I'd ask my dad to let her stay in one of his rental homes until she can get on her feet. Not sure he'd go for it, but it's definitely worth a try. However, I am talking to a guy who works about 30 minutes from her place and his friends who work there may have some suggestions so I'll see what my options are there.
 
I don't understand this. She needs to find some legal aid, prepaid legal service or something. Does she communicate with her parents. I live in VA and you can bet your booty I would take my kids over state lines and dare somebody to tell me I could not. I don't get it - unless there is something that she has not told you. What lawyer, judge, person of authority told her this? It sounds like something he may have told her or threatened her about.

If she has a car she can try and get a job. If she has a credit card or family can help her with money - maybe they can help her get set up in a place with the kids until she can apply for assistance on her own.

She needs to call the domestic abuse hotline. They can help her get a plan together to leave. She may need to gather things like the kids birth certificates, social security cards, and things like that. He may not even really want the kids - he may be using the threat of taking them to control her. 1−800−799−SAFE(7233).


 
Please make sure she's careful with her computer and other communication about this! Even if she deletes her browser history, cookies, cache, and changes passwords and etc to hide her tracks, he could have programs on the computer that document what she does. If she calls he may check her phone or the phone bill. She needs to be careful that he doesn't find out she's planning on leaving, but she still needs to leave.


CityGirlLuv said:
Even the cops told me I would be smart not to press charges because if i did i would have to be out of his house at that moment. I have no where to go here in NC so I wouldnt be able to have the babies.
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Ugh. Sometimes cops can be really helpful with these things or they can be really horrible. :( In some cases of abuse, even if the abuser owns the home a restraining order can still kick THE ABUSER/HOMEOWNER out while the victim(s) have a chance to pack up and find a place to move. Plus, she lives there. Pretty sure she can't be kicked out on the spot since she's not the one who's a danger but that may vary by state. They should have arrested him.


She needs to call the hotline (does she have access to a phone he can't check or look at the call history for?) and they can help her find a place to stay. I tried Googling some shelters but I don't know the area well enough to know what's close by. The hotline can tell her. The people at the shelter can also help her fill out the restraining order which includes the children as well! Where I live it starts off as a temporary restraining order, but it gives her time to find a place and take the kids too. As far as the "help" goes, can she see what qualifies as "emergency food stamps or cash aid" in her area? If she qualifies (I wouldn't see why not, she'd be on her own and without a job) for emergency assistance they will push her forms and process her information much sooner than the 30+ days.
 
This is making me cry, litterally. She can NOT leave her kids, he sounds like the manipulative type...the type that will twist the truth and say she abandonded the children. If he's using drugs she needs to take those babies and run asap. F U C K the state law...leave and call child protective services and file a case against the bastard. Tell them he left the kids alone and give them the names and address of his crack head friends. The truth will come out but she's gotta be strong enough to deal with the pain and drama that's gonna come. She's gonna need money, maybe her friends & family can send it Western Union? Tell her to take pictures of her bruises and send them via text to someone she trusts (for proof of the abuse) and then delete the pics from her phone. I just pray he doesn't find out she's telling you about the abuse.
 
He can't be THAT rich, where he'd get away with EVERYTHING ! Even rich people go to jail! I think he is just telling her this mess just to keep her "In her place". Who in the world can't cross state lines with their kids, that's not in trouble with the law?!? You mean, she can't go to another state?!?

She need to start fighting and not worry about the consequences. Because if she don't... Oh well... I don't know.... I just hope someone can help her. She's too scared to fight by herself.
 
@CityGirlLuv Let me get this straight, your friend:

Lives with her abusive boyfriend
Knows that said BF engages is illegal activity
Has a car and some kind of means to either pay for it or gas it up unless he is supporting her 100%
Has children with said BF but is not married to him
Court has not granted BF custody as of yet
His family has "money" that's why he is able to get away with abusing and manipulating her
Social services won't help her because BF makes too much money.

I'm sorry but she sounds as if she is holding on to him. I don't know if it is because of his money or if it's the abusive relationship but something in her story is not adding up. Since there is abuse she needs to document it. If there is illegal activity going on she needs to report that he is using drugs and use that to her advantage. When she goes to apply for social services she should not have included him as her support. Where employment is concerned she should start looking right away. I know dealing with abusive domestic situations can be difficult when children and support is involved but what she needs to do is disregard what he is telling her and try to do what really is in her and her children's best interest. She may not need to take her children across state lines in order to get away from him ie. file for child support, apply for section 8 housing etc.. I don't want to come off as sounding insensitive but I'm an aggressive type of person so it is hard for me not to see how she can not work her way around this without having to involve the courts etc.
 
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She doesn't work. So where was she when he took HER car and left the kids by themselves for an hour? Does he not have a car?

Why can't she cross state lines? Is she in trouble with the law? That sounds weird. I guess if she did he would say she kidnapped them. *sigh*

Sent from my iPhone 4s using LHCF
 
pookaloo83 said:
She doesn't work. So where was she when he took HER car and left the kids by themselves for an hour? Does he not have a car?

Why can't she cross state lines? Is she in trouble with the law? That sounds weird. I guess if she did he would say she kidnapped them. *sigh*

Sent from my iPhone 4s using LHCF
Click to expand...

Im not sure where she was but I'll ask her. She can take them over state lines only if she's visiting and plans to come back. She cant move across state lines unless he gives permission for the kids to move also. I found some links and also told my uncle who's a cop up here in va. He has friends who are cops in nc so he's passing on the message to them. Also i got in touch with a good friend mine who we both went to school with who'll let her and her kids stay with her so she can get on her feet.
 
OP, I'm on my phone right now, but when I get to a computer, I'll pm u. But just to clarify, so I can give u accurate info, this guy is a boyfriend? She has no one in nc? How long have they lived together.....I can't remember if nc is a cl marriage state otherwise, that bit about her going to court and not being able to leave the state is strange


Sending bat signal to yardyspice. I know she can give you info as well.

Sent from my iPhone using LHCF
 
Yeah he's just a boyfriend and she has no one in North Carolina. No family at all. I think they've lived together for I know at least two years, could've been up to four since they've been together. Some things don't add up to me either, but right now I'm just concerned about getting her and her children away from him. I went to school with him, but I've never really known much about him. She told another one of my friends that they would get into horrible fist fights in front of the kids.
 
I'm in the mountains with limited reception and no wifi so I'll have to give an in depth answer later. She probably can't leave immediately because she needs to get access to her SS#, driver's license, the kids birth certificate, etc.

She needs to go to a women's shelter. Do a search for that. If u give her the number for one have her save under a woman's name. She must not let him know she is leaving.
 
This guy is lying to her and using the kids to manipulate her. I can't believe social services or the courts told her thst she cant leave the state. The only way that happens is if there is COURT ORDER CUSTODY, that prevents her from moving to anotherstate without permission from the other parent that's it! This is to prevent violation of the visitation laws between parents. If there is no court order custody, your friend can do and go wherever the hell she wants! She is not married to this man so she is not bounded to him. She most certainly can file a restraining order against him for herself and her children and leave. I agree what the others say, she needs to take pics of the abuse, and get proof of his drug use. Grab all important docs, like ssn and birth certificates and bounce! She has to plan this carefully and swiftly. She should get confirmation of a place to stay first. Once she gets this, she needs to go to the police station and file for the order of protection. Once she gets this have the police or court magistrate file and award temporary or emergency custody for the children to her, she must bring her documented proof of physical and drug abuse yp prove that he is a danger to her and the kids. Once that is done, she needs to leave town asap. If she goes to VA, she must stay there temporarily and move again since the bf knows thst she is from VA. I would also advise her to some free self defense classes and intense therapy because he brainwashed her. She also needs to have a strong, threatening male figure around her at all times. I too am a aggressive type ofperson and would not even tolerate a push from a man noe could I let someone control me like this. These abusive men know who to pick for their nonsense.
 
How to Leave Your Abuser
A Plan to Get Away
​

No matter how hard it may be to leave an abusive relationship, when you are completely fed up with being hit on, verbally assaulted, and tormented by your abuser, you will do whatever it takes to get out of the situation. Some people find it extremely hard to leave because they feel as if they can fix the abuser and make them into a better person. Some people are afraid to leave because they know that abuser might attempt to kill them if they are caught leaving. Whatever the reason, whatever the motive, if you are being abused you need to escape as soon as possible.

If your children are witnessing you being battered, there is a very strong possibility that they too will suffer from mental anguish and other problems that can be associated with depression. Your children may grow up and abuse their own children or spouse because of the learned behavior. The longer you stay in a situation, especially with children involved, the harder it is going to be for your children when and if you come up dead.

You have to be strong in an abusive situation. You have to realize that your children and your deserve better and that your life has to be worth more than being kicked, punched, slapped or punished because your abuser has mental issues. You cannot be afraid of the consequences your abuser will have to endure once they are finally behind bars. You need to do whatever it takes to rid yourself of this horrible burden.

Before you decide to walk out that door and never look back, you will need a plan; a strong plan that can help you make it out safely. The Oprah Winfrey Show came up with a wonderful plan to help people who are trying to leave an abusive situation successfully. Please read further, this information may save your life.

Making your personal plan:

This is the first step to your plan; you need to plan out what you are going to do. This may mean finding out where a local woman's battered shelter is, calling a relative out of town and asking to come and stay with them, or renting out an apartment across town. Wherever you plan on going, you need to make sure that you have accommodations and that the place is somewhere safe where you abuser cannot find or contact you.

Make a code word for people you trust:

Coming out and saying, "He just beat me you need to call the police for me immediately", while the attacker is still present is not the best idea. Coming up with a simple yet casual codeword when speaking with a person in a position of trust can literally help save your life. You can ask the person something simple like "What are you cooking for dinner tonight?" or "Or did you ever go and see that movie?" this code can mean for the person to call the police. Something simple but not obvious enough your attacker can unlock your secret code.

File a police report:

Do not try to do this step first. You have to do these steps in order so that you do not end up being attacked again by your abuser. Many abused people do not want to call the police because they are afraid that they will get it worse once their attacker finds out. You want to file the police report, just so you have some sort of legal documentation that someone has physically abused you. This step won't necessarily put the person in jail; however, it can help when you get ready to prove your case.

Keep a journal:

You should keep a journal and write about how you were abused and when you were abused. This way you have some sort of documentation. If you are still afraid to leave, then keep the journal for yourself until you get the motivation to walk out that door and never look back. You need to make sure the journal is kept in a secret location, somewhere your attacker will not look. Do not keep the journal in the car, or your bedroom or anywhere else the abuser may go to look. Keep it somewhere safe, if that means at a friend's house, at work, or buried deep somewhere.

See a doctor:

Go to the doctor if you have physical injuries. You need to have medical documentation to prove your case. If you have a black eye, bruised arm, or busted finger associated with being abused, then you need to see a doctor and keep medical documentation on you. Make copies and give to people you trust just in case you lose any information you have a back up.

Pack an emergency bag:

This emergency bag should have clothing, money, credit cards, medical cards, copies of documentation, your journal, phone numbers to services, relatives, or friends, checkbook, extra set of car keys, and any court papers you may have. Like the journal keep the emergency bag out of your abuser's reach. Put the bag somewhere they will not be able to find it.

After you leave the attacker you will need a plan. Here is the next plan for you after you have left successfully.

Tell people what is going on:

Tell your family, because they are there for you. Do not be afraid to share this information with friends and coworkers. If you need to tell your boss, then let them know. When you tell people what is happening, they are more likely to be there for you if your abuser comes looking for you.

Get an order of protection:

Do not wait a week or a month to get the order of protection after you leave. Get the order the exact same day. Make copies and pass them out. Give them to the security guard at work, your boss, your family, your friends, and defiantly keep a copy on yourself at all times, just in case your abuser wants to pay you a visit.

Have 911 on speed dial:

You want to have easy access to the police if your abuser happens to show up where you are or threatens you. Have this number ready in your phone, so with one push of a button you have access to your local police department.

Change your cell phone number:

Get a new number, your abuser won't be able to track you if you change any means of communications they may be familiar with. Remember, you do not want them trying to find you so make it difficult.

Change your daily routine:

Shopping at the grocery store by your home is not a good idea. Change up your routine. Go to another grocery store across town or where you are less likely to run into your abuser. Don't always take the same way when you are going places. If you like to go somewhere to eat for lunch and your abuser knows about it, don't go there. Do not go places your abuser will expect you to be.

Avoid being alone:

Don't go anywhere alone. Even if you are just going for a short drive or just to run to the store, take someone you trust with you. Try not to stay in an apartment or home alone. Stay with family, friends, or a shelter so that you stay safe.

Stay with someone who loves you:

You want to be around people who love and support you. Stay with family or friends. Stay with people who will have your back if your abuser should come looking for you. Be close to people you trust.

Find a support group:

Talking with people who have been through the same thing can really help make a change in your life for the better. Abuse can be traumatizing for you as well as your children. There are services that are provided for you once you get out of the abusive environment so take advantage of getting the help you and your family need.

I hope that God willing this plan will be of some help to you or someone you love.

Link
 
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CityGirlLuv said:
I was just talking to a friend on FB and basically from everything that she's telling me, she needs to get away from her boyfriend asap. It's not that she doesn't want to leave, she has no where to go to. She can't legally come up to VA b/c she has two kids that were born and raised in NC and the fact that they went to court one time and basically the court was gonna let her bf have the kids b/c well the home is his and the kids were born in NC and the fact that his family has money. She has cuts and bruises and has called the cops on him about domestic abuse...this is what she told me about what the cops said:

"I have called the cops on him for domestic abuse. Even the cops told me I would be smart not to press charges because if i did i would have to be out of his house at that moment. I have no where to go here in NC so I wouldnt be able to have the babies. Last night I did report my car stolen. He took it to go do shrooms and thats why he is saying i need to apologize to his friends. Because the cops were about to go to his friends house unless he brought the car back. He is saying I embarrassed him and everyone thinks im stupid. Then he was flipping out because his friends could have went to jail for all the stuff that was at their house. So what!
He left these kids here at the house by themselves for like an hour."

She lives in Oxford, NC and if any of you know of anything that I can do to get her out asap, please let me know. I'm phoning friends to see how far away from there they live so she can get back on her feet. He told her she wasn't allowed to get a job, see her friends and family up here in va, etc. It's heartbreaking and I never knew until now when she went off on FB about it.

ETA: Would you know of any shelters within the area. She does have a car so that's a plus on her end.

ETA 2: She just sent me this "Like you dont even know the half of it! Ive been to social services and they wont even help me. Jarod makes too much money for us to get "help" so I can not apply while living in his house. The only way I can apply is if I press charges then I have to wait 30 days + for them to get everything in the system and passed."
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She seems to be suffering from "learned helplessness" because she feels she has no where to go. It's important OP that you let her know that she does have options because she can leave immediately and go to a women's shelter and from there she can figure out what her next move will be.

Here's a list of shelters in North Carolina, OP you can call the right one based on her location and get all of the information she needs to leave: the address, etc.

http://www.nccadv.org/service_providers.htm
 
Sorry I meant to come back and update this thread. I sent her numerous links to shelters. She said she's going back to social services today with the information she has on hand.
 
CityGirlLuv said:
Sorry I meant to come back and update this thread. I sent her numerous links to shelters. She said she's going back to social services today with the information she has on hand.
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Why is she going to social services? She needs to go to a women's shelter with her kids.
 
:nono:

She needs to file a police report period (It is against the law to abuse your spouse). After she does that she needs to file for a restraining order (which she can get if she has a police report. Hell some times you can get one without a police report.). Then she needs to file for custody of her children and check into a womans shelter. As a matter of fact when she applies for a restraining order she can also apply for custody of her children.

I hate to sound mean and be the odd ball but it sounds like she isn't ready to leave her abuser (just yet). She has too many excuses, him and his family having money, she can't take the kids, the police telling her to not file a police report, etc.....
When she is ready to leave him she will leave (believe me).

I am a survivor of domestic violence and left with not one damn person backing me up. I have/had no friends and no family with two kids on my hip leaving a very violent husband.

My advice to you is to give her some information to women shelters and the domestic violence hotline number. Tell her to have an emergency plan and to have copies of her children birth certificates and SSC. Leave the rest up to her, you cannot save her, she is grown when she is ready to leave she will. It takes a few times for a woman to leave her abuser before she is ready to leave for good. So don't be surprise if she does leave and goes back.

Oh about crossing state lines, I crossed state line with my babies and still have them. *shrugs*
And we were in a custody dispute.:look:

ETA: Sorry for my english being bad.
 
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When she is ready to go she will leave. I believe she is suffering from what another poster said, "learned helplessness". She has so many excuses not to leave. Dude sounds real douchey and to me is all talk and no action. Men who are about it don't brag they show through actions, dude is all talk.
 
*CherryPie* said:
He can't be THAT rich, where he'd get away with EVERYTHING ! Even rich people go to jail! I think he is just telling her this mess just to keep her "In her place". Who in the world can't cross state lines with their kids, that's not in trouble with the law?!? You mean, she can't go to another state?!?

She need to start fighting and not worry about the consequences. Because if she don't... Oh well... I don't know.... I just hope someone can help her. She's too scared to fight by herself.
Click to expand...

I was thinking the same thing because why doesn't he have he own car?

I just couldn't find myself in that situation. She needs to have a plan to get she and her kids out that place. Secretly start saving money then leave when he lease expect it. She is slowly but surely losing her identity.
 
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