Men & Money: Married Advice

[Momstar]

Ok, so I am struggling on this issue with dh. We have had deep discussions about in the past but there is very little improvement and it may be getting worse.
So here's my situation: I am a stay at home and have been for the past year and a half. Our rent is super cheap because we rent from his parents. I have student debt. We have no car,cable and we don't go out ever. We have alot of help with the kids. But here's the problem. He doesn't like to pay bills, to the point where he almost refuses. He's supposed to give me money every month to cover food, loan payments,the phone and baby stuff. Last month my account was overdrawn for the first time and I find out he hasn't paid the rent in 2 months! So I look at my account and he's been giving me about $300/month for the last at least 4 months. I've been living off my credit card and savings which is just about gone. I feel so embarassed that he hasn't paid the rent and I'm worried about our future because we are supposed to be saving money so we can move. Yes we our on one income but we have very little costs. So I go back to work next week and that will help me a lot but then he's really not going to give me any money and that's not fair.

How do I get him to pay the rent or give me the money to pay it? How do I get him to either pay bills on time or give me the money to handle it?

 

[Chrissy811]

I was going to say talk to him but it looks as if you've done that already. Have you asked him what he is doing with the money if no bills are being paid? There is no reason why you and your children should have to live off credit cards. I'd try to talk to him one more time...

 

[LunadeMiel]

I have so much to say...
First, how does you husband view his roll as a husband?
When you two were dating was he always this ridiculous?
If he's not paying bills, then where is the money going?
Who handles the finances in you relationship?

 

[AstroQueen77]

why does he not like paying bills? this is either an abusive situation or he has some type of addiction or drug problem....

 

[~VicTorIAn~]

What????
Don't tell him how much you'll make, get yourself on your feet and start planning your EXIT.

 

[JustKiya]

*blinkblink*

Say what?

*deleteslongangryrant*

Urm, this is ridiculous. I'm sorry - but you need to tell him that either he pays the bills, or he gives you his check so that you can manage the finances. What the hell? What kind of man......... wow.

Let me stop before I call your husband out of his name, but this is ridiculous, immature, selfish, and a whole heap of other things. I'm angry FOR you.

 

[Momstar]

I have so much to say...
First, how does you husband view his roll as a husband?
When you two were dating was he always this ridiculous?
If he's not paying bills, then where is the money going?
Who handles the finances in you relationship?

That's the thhing I don't understand. While dating he was very generous and on time with money. He also is very family-oriented and believes men are supposed to be providers. So I don't know where the money is going. I know his head is in the clouds most of the time because he's obsessed with the old testament. I used to handle them but I've been letting him pay the rent.

 

[JustKiya]

That's the thhing I don't understand. While dating he was very generous and on time with money. He also is very family-oriented and believes men are supposed to be providers. So I don't know where the money is going. I know his head is in the clouds most of the time because he's obsessed with the old testament. I used to handle them but I've been letting him pay the rent.

*blink*

Old Testament? Okay.

Yes, you need to start handling ALL of the bills again. I'm sure you can find a Bible verse that states a woman is to manage the house, or something along those terms.
My gods, is he tithing it all away!? I mean - wow! How can you let your wife live off of her savings? That whole one flesh thing means his money is your money and your money is his money. I'm - baffled, sis.

 

[Momstar]

What????
Don't tell him how much you'll make, get yourself on your feet and start planning your EXIT.

I've been sort of thinking this but I feel like things might get better when I'm working. But then I want my kids to have both parents in the home. I think this is fixable but I don't know how to fix it.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

His money is going either: 1. to a gambling addiction 2. to a substance addiction 3. to another woman or 4. he is hiding it because he plans on divorcing you soon.

I hate to be raw, but this is serious business. The problem is not that you need a better way to convince him to handle his business. The problem is one OR MORE of the above 4 reasons. Sorry to say it. I'm a SAHM too, and we are in a precarious position. Since you will be returning to work soon, please do yourself a favor and LIE to him about how much you make. Tell him the economy is slow and that's why you are only making X. Take the overflow money and put it aside in CASH in a safety deposit box that you pay for in cash as well. (If a joint account debit card is used to reserve it, then they may allow him to open it!! ) Let your money stack grow and don't let on that you know what's up. And start watching him very very closely, having him followed if you can afford it. Something very foul is afoot, you need to discover what it is so that you can be in a good position when you bounce.

Also, when he's at work, go through all the papers. Make sure to copy his account numbers for all the savings, IRA, stock portfolio, all of it.

ETA: his obsession with the Old Testament may mean he has convinced himself that it is ok for him to have 2 wives. I have heard of this happening before.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

obsessed wif da old testawhat? i don't recall da old testament sayin anything bout not payin no bills...

if you don't know where the money is going, why don't you get bank statements and figure out where it's going. you may find out more than you need to know but NEED TO KNOW.....

 

[LadyPaniolo]

You know, a divorce atty would probably tell you NOT to start working. If you are working he doesn't have to pay alimony, only Child Support. I have seen on websites for men planning to divorce their wives, it advocates these men get their wives working by hook or by crook.

Him walking around with his head in the clouds + no money = another woman. PROBABLY one in your church.

 

[Mortons]

Do you all have a joint account or separate? I think you should get a joint account so that you "all can be responsible for managing the money".

 

[JustKiya]

You know, a divorce atty would probably tell you NOT to start working. If you are working he doesn't have to pay alimony, only Child Support. I have seen on websites for men planning to divorce their wives, it advocates these men get their wives working by hook or by crook.

Him walking around with his head in the clouds + no money = another woman. PROBABLY one in your church.

Yes, to this. It sounds like you already have a job, but I would delay it, do something to avoid it until you find out where the heck all of the money is going. I know he is making more than 300 bucks a month - do you know how much he makes?

I'm so - angry! - about this. And baffled. If he isn't doing anything shady/wrong - girl, just use this as a lesson and NEVER let him manage the money. Run the money decisions past him, but firmly keep the reins in your hands - what if y'all weren't living with his parents?!?! You'd come home to an eviction notice on the front door!! Girl, no. He needs to know this is UTTERLY unacceptable, on any level.

 

[Momstar]

His money is going either: 1. to a gambling addiction 2. to a substance addiction 3. to another woman or 4. he is hiding it because he plans on divorcing you soon.

I hate to be raw, but this is serious business. The problem is not that you need a better way to convince him to handle his business. The problem is one OR MORE of the above 4 reasons. Sorry to say it. I'm a SAHM too, and we are in a precarious position. Since you will be returning to work soon, please do yourself a favor and LIE to him about how much you make. Tell him the economy is slow and that's why you are only making X. Take the overflow money and put it aside in CASH in a safety deposit box that you pay for in cash as well. (If a joint account debit card is used to reserve it, then they may allow him to open it!! ) Let your money stack grow and don't let on that you know what's up. And start watching him very very closely, having him followed if you can afford it. Something very foul is afoot, you need to discover what it is so that you can be in a good position when you bounce.

Also, when he's at work, go through all the papers. Make sure to copy his account numbers for all the savings, IRA, stock portfolio, all of it.

ETA: his obsession with the Old Testament may mean he has convinced himself that it is ok for him to have 2 wives. I have heard of this happening before.

I think it's either 3 or 4. He might think that I'm trying to leave him, which I have hinted at in the past. You are reading my mind about that 2 wives stuff, too bad he can't afford one.

I only see one of his bank statements and there isn't much there and he ues cash for EVERYTHING.

 

[brownelovely]

There are so many things that could be going on right now in your situation. The one thing that is a definite is that YOU need to get some money stashed to the side (as suggested by another poster) and have a plan.

His not paying the bills could be a spiteful act if he's tired of having to support the family on one income. Either way, that's not a good way to be anyhow. I'd ask him why the rent hasn't been paid and if he starts getting all huffy about it...drop it and start getting yourself in a position to GET OUT.

You'll be back to working soon so stack dem chips and spend the minimum (your half of the bills) to keep things civil. Once your set...you make your decision. I couldn't deal with a man that refuses to pay bills.

 

[Momstar]

Do you all have a joint account or separate? I think you should get a joint account so that you "all can be responsible for managing the money".

We have seperate accounts. He won't go to the bank so I can add him on there because he knows I'd demand his paychecks.

 

[brownelovely]

I think it's either 3 or 4. He might think that I'm trying to leave him, which I have hinted at in the past. You are reading my mind about that 2 wives stuff, too bad he can't afford one.

I only see one of his bank statements and there isn't much there and he ues cash for EVERYTHING.

:scratchch So, he's not leaving a paper trail heh.....

I'd look for receipts or anything that would show where the money is going IF he's not dishing out the info. Hate to say this, but you never know what you may find...JerseyGirl said it best.

ETA: Since you mentioned separate accounts...I can prolly figure he don't want you knowing about his money. He's being selfish right now...has the one income been a major strain on the relationship?

 

[DayStar]

This is all kinds of WRONG.

 

[dlewis]

I agree with the working thing. I watched with my own fo eyes a man make his wife go back to work after not working for 20+, only to divorce her and tell the courts the kids are grown and she has proven she can support herself.

 

[Mortons]

We have seperate accounts. He won't go to the bank so I can add him on there because he knows I'd demand his paychecks.

Demand his checks? Why cant it just be you helping to pay the bills and keep track of the affairs?

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

We have seperate accounts. He won't go to the bank so I can add him on there because he knows I'd demand his paychecks.

since when do u hafta physically go down to the bank. can't you just call and say you want to set up an online account. or better, go online and set one up since u know his account number, etc? and have everything go to ur e-mail? i'm just sayin...

 

[Momstar]

Well they want to see ID for everyone on the account because of anti-terrorist laws. But I think he's trying to avoid any kind of responsibility when it comes to the bank thing.

 

[LBoogie]

Ok, so I am struggling on this issue with dh. We have had deep discussions about in the past but there is very little improvement and it may be getting worse.
So here's my situation: I am a stay at home and have been for the past year and a half. Our rent is super cheap because we rent from his parents. I have student debt. We have no car,cable and we don't go out ever. We have alot of help with the kids. But here's the problem. He doesn't like to pay bills, to the point where he almost refuses. He's supposed to give me money every month to cover food, loan payments,the phone and baby stuff. Last month my account was overdrawn for the first time and I find out he hasn't paid the rent in 2 months! So I look at my account and he's been giving me about $300/month for the last at least 4 months. I've been living off my credit card and savings which is just about gone. I feel so embarassed that he hasn't paid the rent and I'm worried about our future because we are supposed to be saving money so we can move. Yes we our on one income but we have very little costs. So I go back to work next week and that will help me a lot but then he's really not going to give me any money and that's not fair.

How do I get him to pay the rent or give me the money to pay it? How do I get him to either pay bills on time or give me the money to handle it?

Huh? I thought the PROBLEM would have been everything before the bolded.

I'm sorry, let me finish reading...that just surprised me.

 

[Mortons]

what does he say when you confront him about not paying the bills?

 

[GoingBack]

You know, a divorce atty would probably tell you NOT to start working. If you are working he doesn't have to pay alimony, only Child Support. I have seen on websites for men planning to divorce their wives, it advocates these men get their wives working by hook or by crook.

Him walking around with his head in the clouds + no money = another woman. PROBABLY one in your church.

Nevermind......

 

[JayAnn0513]

You already know what to do.

 

[Momstar]

I agree with the working thing. I watched with my own fo eyes a man make his wife go back to work after not working for 20+, only to divorce her and tell the courts the kids are grown and she has proven she can support herself.

I worry about this too. But I have 2 kids so he can't get out of paying child support unless he tries to take them. We've been getting along otherwise,I hate to have to think this way.

 

[LBoogie]

obsessed wif da old testawhat? i don't recall da old testament sayin anything bout not payin no bills...

if you don't know where the money is going, why don't you get bank statements and figure out where it's going. you may find out more than you need to know but NEED TO KNOW.....

I "e-heart" you... really do!

 

[Momstar]

what does he say when you confront him about not paying the bills?

He says he'll do it tomorrow. And then he'll say he's going to take care of it and if I ask again he'll lie about it.