Advice Please?

Oh my goodness. He should be thanking you every day for throwing out the perpetual lifeline. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you.

When he made that remark, you should have replied "And I see why black women are fed up; it's because they're tired of having to play the man's role." Boom and bye.
 
Its time to cut your losses as in the financial aspects..I mean a partner is either a assets or a liability and from what your stating op thats a darn liability..
 
How old is he? Is there a reason he didn't sell his house before he lost it, or rent it out before it was foreclosed?

I wouldn't put up with his nonsense. He ought to be thanking you everyday, not spouting lame theories about black women supporting black men.

His mom will let him sleep at her house, so don't feel like you're putting him out on the street. She raised him, so let her deal with the boy-man mess she created.
 
Star86 said:
@ Naija Troll : Yes, i agree 100%. The only reason why I allowed him to move in with me was because when he was fired from his job after being injured on the job, he lost his home and I allowed him to move in with me unti he was able to pick himself up. Now, every time i tell him that i no longer wish to shack up, he runs guilt trip on me.
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You allow him to run a guilt trip on you, and it works. You need only have to tell someone they have to go one time. Don't wanna leave? Fine. Let him run his "guilt trip" on you while the cops are escorting him from the premises. This is more damning to me than some cocknbull crap about BW and whatever else he said out of frustration.

On the job injury and subsequent firing and it's a small settlement? He needs a better attorney. And so might you if he doesn't pay you back.
 
Wait...just read your other thread. Is this the same dude with the "new" surprise child who blew up at you about that situation, too? If so, why are you with him??

Are you really young? Either way, you don't need all this drama. You aren't married (thank goodness); so you have no obligation to carry him and put up with nonsense. How many red flags do you need?
 
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missann said:
Wait...just read your other thread. Is this the same dude with the "new" surprise child who blew up at you about that situation, too? If so, why are you with him??

Are you really young? Either way, you don't need all this drama. You aren't married (thank goodness); so you have no obligation to carry him and put up with nonsense. How many red flags do you need?
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Other thread? Surprise kid? :nono:

Sometimes it's not that there aren't enough red flags because if you're colorblind, well... I had a profound thought but it left me so nevermind.
 
People already said what I would regarding this emotional blackmail, but I have a question.

nessasita said:
He's 100% out of line and unless he's cooking, cleaning and doing everything else under the sun BESIDES paying the bills, he's using you. :nono:
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OP, out of curiosity, is he doing these things? Is he taking care of the home?
 
Star, I'm assuming it is the same guy from this thread?

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=548753


If yes then i'm not sure why you're allowing yourself to deal with so much drama and stress at such a young age. I understand you've been with him for close to 3 years, however do you feel this man has enhanced your life, helped you grow, become a better person, enhanced your happiness or has taken more from you than he's given?

If he's leaving you emotionally, mentally and physically bankrupt then I don't think you should continue to hold on to him. He will eventually suck the life out of you.

It is understandably hard to just leave a relationship that is almost 3 years long but how much more time will you give this man before you realize you have wasted precious years of your life on him?
 
You are not his responsibility and you have to let him leave, you deserve better and they are better men out there. The moment you asked for advice you know what you have to do, don't feel guilty let him move in with his mother and you take care of You. You are a young girl, you are not his mother and don't being a mammy!
 
NaijaTroll said:
Can women PLEASE stop moving in with men(or letting him move in) they arent engaged or married to :/
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Star86 said:
@ Naija Troll : Yes, i agree 100%. The only reason why I allowed him to move in with me was because when he was fired from his job after being injured on the job, he lost his home and I allowed him to move in with me unti he was able to pick himself up. Now, every time i tell him that i no longer wish to shack up, he runs guilt trip on me.
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Re: these two perspectives, I have less of a problem with unmarried couples shacking up than with the shacking up only occurring because the man can no longer support himself. That seems like an issue with more potential to end badly than the former... then again I just really don't like the idea of a man moving, especially having to move, in with a woman instead of the woman moving in with the man because it implies the man is inadequate in the power structure of the relationship. I'm not offering any advice or judgment either way, just my 2 cents there.
 
Yes, this is the same guy who found out that he has a 5 year old daughter. Yes, just a whole lot of drama. I am 25 and he is 30.
 
Star86 said:
Yes, this is the same guy who found out that he has a 5 year old daughter. Yes, just a whole lot of drama. I am 25 and he is 30.
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:perplexed I think you have to ask yourself this question: Am I OK with working hard to keep my life in order only to have it turned upside down by someone else's drama? It's your choice to answer this question in the affirmative, but if you do, don't be surprised if you find yourself posting another thread this time next week about a new issue.
 
Star86 said:
Yes, this is the same guy who found out that he has a 5 year old daughter. Yes, just a whole lot of drama. I am 25 and he is 30.
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So, never mind helping you out, he has a CHILD to support and he's not pressed to look for a job?

This dude is a bum in every sense of the word, and an ungrateful one at that. You can do better.
 
Protect yourself & think of the life you really want

You're not his mom or his wife so it's OK to put yourself first. If youer want to get married or have children, this is a critical time in your life to put yourself on a path and make decisions that will get you in the place and in the type of relationship you really want. Three years is a long time and your lives seem pretty entangled, but looking back and saying that you spent 5 years could be worse.

Things are tight for everyone, but a man who doesn't have the drive to work &/or take care of himself is going to make for a rough life if he's your choice for long term partner. Add to that the drama & expense of his newly discovered child. (You mentioned food. Has he applied for any type of aid, such as food stamps?)

At bare minimum, protect yourself by getting a written agreement regarding the expenses he owes you. If the 2 of you agreed that he would be responsible for living expenses at a certain point, then put that in writing so that it's clear that you expect to be reimbursed. Don't expect that he will automatically give you any of his settlement. And don't feel like you have to keep him around because that's the only way he'll give you any of the settlement.

Sometimes, it's best to cut your losses and give yourself the time and space to get this person out of your system.
 
@tropical-punch, my mom told me that she wouldn't be bothered with "that mess". She says that she would be concerned if a man could not provide for me and that i can struggle by myself and not with someone else.
 
Star86 said:
@tropical-punch, my mom told me that she wouldn't be bothered with "that mess". She says that she would be concerned if a man could not provide for me and that i can struggle by myself and not with someone else.
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I'm sorry you are going through this. We all have our lessons to learn and learning how to say NO and not allowing ourselves to be treated like doormats is a big one that will serve you well in the future.

Star, when is your lease up? I would tell your landlord you are struggling to pay rent and ask to either be let out of your contract early or downgrade to a cheaper apartment. If you move, I would move in with mother for a few months to save. Let the guy find his own way. DON'T LET HIM MOVE WITH YOU!
 
A man needs to be a man. If he feels supported by his woman eventually he will begin to resent her and lose respect for her. The best thing you can do for yourself AND for him is to tell him he needs to go.

Also, co-habitating before marriage is never a good idea- I did it and learned the hard way.
 
It is difficult being out of work however he needs to be more grateful. He can cut grass and do other under the table stuff. I just don't like the total disrespect as if it is your job to take care of him. Tell him to go find a Becky and keep it moving.
 
OP, why do you feel responsible for a grown man? Why are you paying all the bills while he lounges? Why do you continue to put up with so much crap from him? Why are you allowing him to guilt trip you? He's not your husband. He's not your child. Why on earth are you allowing yourself to be tethered to him? Have you ever considered getting counseling? You need to figure out what's going on in your head to think you deserve all this drama and frustration.
 
hopeful said:
OP, why do you feel responsible for a grown man? Why are you paying all the bills while he lounges? Why do you continue to put up with so much crap from him? Why are you allowing him to guilt trip you? He's not your husband. He's not your child. Why on earth are you allowing yourself to be tethered to him? Have you ever considered getting counseling? You need to figure out what's going on in your head to think you deserve all this drama and frustration.
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Yes. I was just going to ask this. Star86 Do you have a low self-esteem? Do you feel like there is no one else in the world that will love you? I mean, every woman has a major learning point about relationships but this is something deeper within yourself. I have a feeling that you don't want to deal with him anymore but something inside of you is stopping that. You need counseling to figure out what it is. Before falling in love with a man, you need to fall in love with yourself.
 
My SO is unemployed, but he supported me with no hesitation when the tables were turned and he is looking just as hard as I was, if not harder, before I found work (I was doing a few hundred applications a month). I don't have to ask to know that he feels like less of a man. He also pulls his weight around the house to do his part to the extent that he is able. Times being hard is one thing....giving excuses about forthcoming financial settlements and being nagged is something completely different that should be deemed intolerable. :nono:

I know that a woman will never leave until she has had enough, but ask yourself how much will you endure before you get fed up.
 
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