How to break out financially from living with significant other

[beebellkel]

Also, ask your mom now if you can either move in and use her address NOW for anything you sign up for. At the least use her address for that new bank account because they ALWAYS send something in regular mail for new accounts.

I agree with a poster who said sign up for welfare. But do it if your mom agrees you can use HER address TODAY. Then go down TOMORROW and fill out the forms for WIC, SNAP, Sect 8, public assistance, any form you can get your hands on. Then roll out as soon as the first check arrives.

____________
*.~.*Sent from a distant Galaxy in the Unicorn-verse*.~.*

I have a bank account I have email notifications its not because of fear its just better because I am on my phone 24/7. My situation is not that extreme im not saying it would never reach that point where I wouldnt have to hide stuff like that but it hasnt reached that point yet.

 

[beebellkel]

OP

great advice in this thread!!!!

Im rooting for you to get out and raise your lil one in a happy healthy environment...

please stay safe--(Gangstas move in silence) keep it calm and cool with dude-- so just have a plan and also not sure how close you are to your mom but Im sure she wouldn't want to see her baby girl in this situation--talk to her so she is aware about BD and please take the advice given--

so many wise women on this board who have been there so everyday just make a move towards your plan of action...when he is not home work towards your plan!!!!

you need a 30-60-90 day plan of action....the sooner the better

also utilize the services in your location for single moms who need help

wishing you all the best

Thanks! My mom knows nothing of my situation I didnt want to worry her until i knew I was mobing for sure.

 

[beebellkel]

Do you have a computer where you can do some form of online work while you look for a permanent position? Even if you just make a little bit a week, put it back into an account to save for whatever you need. If you have some things that you personally own (he didnt buy you) that you can sell, try ebay or amazon to get rid of some small things without him noticing and set that money back as well.

If he ever does really put you out or you leave DO NOT leave without your child. He and the court will likely make it heck for you to get her back.

In response to leaving without her my worst fear is that the courts would see that I have nothing and he has everything and they decide being with him is best for her

 

[beebellkel]

Do you have a computer where you can do some form of online work while you look for a permanent position? Even if you just make a little bit a week, put it back into an account to save for whatever you need. If you have some things that you personally own (he didnt buy you) that you can sell, try ebay or amazon to get rid of some small things without him noticing and set that money back as well.

If he ever does really put you out or you leave DO NOT leave without your child. He and the court will likely make it heck for you to get her back.

I have looked for online work but all of it seems so sketchy!

 

[DarkJoy]

OP, we realize that your case is not physically extreme.

I think what has us all up in arms is that he is willing to use your child as a weapon. Imagine him finding out your plans to leave and one day you come home and he decides to leave when you are out with your child with no forwarding address. He sounds like the controlling manipulative type. You hear stories/amber alerts all the time of men kidnapping their babies when they think the mom will bolt with them.

He already has you psychologically screwed into thinking 'its not that bad'. Emotional abuse runs, in many ways, deepert han physical abuse can ever be. It will be a while before you see how deep these scars run.

Best of luck to you and you baby

 

[beebellkel]

OP, we realize that your case is not physically extreme.

I think what has us all up in arms is that he is willing to use your child as a weapon. Imagine him finding out your plans to leave and one day you come home and he decides to leave when you are out with your child with no forwarding address. He sounds like the controlling manipulative type. You hear stories/amber alerts all the time of men kidnapping their babies when they think the mom will bolt with them.

He already has you psychologically screwed into thinking 'its not that bad'. Emotional abuse runs, in many ways, deepert han physical abuse can ever be. It will be a while before you see how deep these scars run.

Best of luck to you and you baby

You are sooo right its like you hear stories all the time but you NEVER think it would happen to you. I am uneducated when it comes to emotional abuse because I've never really heard about it. All that I see advertised is physical abuse. I really don't want to come across as ungrateful for the advice or defensive its just that when you are in a situation you view things a little different than if you are on the outside looking in. I do agree with that he manipulates me because if we have disagreements he often saids you have everything: health insurance , I live in a nice house, I have access to debit cards. I was actually told once " you know how many women would like to be in your situation. And one time said "with all i do i shouldnt have to deal with this" he always pounds in my head all he does for me so I think that maybe I feel like I should be loyal to him. You ladies seem to know alot about diff types of abuse so you are aware of how victims like myself would react to certain things or say certain things.

 

[kaykari]

I have a bank account I have email notifications its not because of fear its just better because I am on my phone 24/7. My situation is not that extreme im not saying it would never reach that point where I wouldnt have to hide stuff like that but it hasnt reached that point yet.

Men switch it up real quick when they have all the power. You need a plan, even if it is just for your own dignity. You are your own person. If he says get out...even uf its in the middle of a heated argument, you should be able to leave just out of self respect. Just cuz you want to. PM me if you want any of my suggestions. I wont be coming back in this thread though.

 

[hopeful]

In response to leaving without her my worst fear is that the courts would see that I have nothing and he has everything and they decide being with him is best for her

You are a mother, a decent woman, a human being, a child of God. You have great value with or without a job, rich or poor. Money is not everything. He may have more money but he does not have everything your daughter needs. Remember that. With a little intense work you can find a job, get some money, find a place to stay. Your SO is mean-spirited and controlling -- not so easy to fix his problem.

 

[beebellkel]

You are a mother, a decent woman, a human being, a child of God. You have great value with or without a job, rich or poor. Money is not everything. He may have more money but he does not have everything your daughter needs. Remember that. With a little intense work you can find a job, get some money, find a place to stay. Your SO is mean-spirited and controlling -- not so easy to fix his problem.

You have been so helpful and you are right! Thx so much!

 

[Holla]

That's part of the problem. It doesn't have to be THAT bad for you to do the things I mentioned. Sometimes people feel like they need to hit rock bottom before they turn to others for assistance. If things were better or easier for you, you'd leave with no thought as to how to get out. But you need SOME help and that's why you are asking for advice.

IMO, you should leave no stone unturned when it comes to getting on your feet and supporting your child.

Emotional abuse is rarely talked about in society unfortunately. Those in the situation are often unaware until they look back in hindsight. Abuse is not just about being cussed out, beaten up or mistreated. It is also about being manipulated. Being constantly dismissed or invalidated. Hearing condescending comments. From what little you have shared, it sounds like you are in that kind of environment with your SO. How else would you think you have nothing and he has everything after living together with him all this time? You should feel empowered by what you both bring to the family unit and that's not necessarily what you are expressing on here.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck!

Im not in the worst situation where I have to set up google voice accounts and po boxes( which is what someone else suggested) I am not being beaten up and cussed out and mistreated like that( not saying you are saying that) but thats the type of responses I am getting I was working but I recently quit my job because it was just that bad at the work place. I am not some helpless woman who does not know how to search for jobs and not allowed to go anywhere my case is not that extreme. I am simply in a situation where I have no responsibility and that leads to no security for me because I could be asked to leave(like I have before or smtg could happen to him and I would hv to then start over at that time) and those two those two possibilities make me uncomfortable. Because of my age the only real bills I have had was paying a phone bill and rent in college and I knew that money was coming from loans and before that I lived at home with no bills so I never experienced having to pay light bill, rent, car all at the same time. Everything that I wrote under this quote is not directed at you just putting all my thoughts out at once. I am really grateful for the help ladies just wanted to clear some things up.

 

[beebellkel]

That's part of the problem. It doesn't have to be THAT bad for you to do the things I mentioned. Sometimes people feel like they need to hit rock bottom before they turn to others for assistance. If things were better or easier for you, you'd leave with no thought as to how to get out. But you need SOME help and that's why you are asking for advice.

IMO, you should leave no stone unturned when it comes to getting on your feet and supporting your child.

Emotional abuse is rarely talked about in society unfortunately. Those in the situation are often unaware until they look back in hindsight. Abuse is not just about being cussed out, beaten up or mistreated. It is also about being manipulated. Being constantly dismissed or invalidated. Hearing condescending comments. From what little you have shared, it sounds like you are in that kind of environment with your SO. How else would you think you have nothing and he has everything after living together with him all this time? You should feel empowered by what you both bring to the family unit and that's not necessarily what you are expressing on here.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck!

I nevver looked at it that way. Im glad I came here.

 

[God_Favor]

You are sooo right its like you hear stories all the time but you NEVER think it would happen to you. I am uneducated when it comes to emotional abuse because I've never really heard about it. All that I see advertised is physical abuse. I really don't want to come across as ungrateful for the advice or defensive its just that when you are in a situation you view things a little different than if you are on the outside looking in. I do agree with that he manipulates me because if we have disagreements he often saids you have everything: health insurance , I live in a nice house, I have access to debit cards. I was actually told once " you know how many women would like to be in your situation. And one time said "with all i do i shouldnt have to deal with this" he always pounds in my head all he does for me so I think that maybe I feel like I should be loyal to him. You ladies seem to know alot about diff types of abuse so you are aware of how victims like myself would react to certain things or say certain things.

I didnt realize I was in abusive relationship till the end. You are a victim of emotional abuse. There is no other way to analyze it...

 

[biznesswmn]

beebellkel

I know its hard to accept some of the advice given u r in it and we all r on the outside, but pls just start makg a plan and workg it anyway. U will b that much further along if it does get 'that bad' and if not, at least u feel more secure about your situation

 

[Holla]

I didnt realize I was in abusive relationship till the end. You are a victim of emotional abuse. There is no other way to analyze it...

Me neither….years ago when I was much younger. Because my family and friends always talked about physical - and not emotional - abuse, I did not know what the signs of emotional abuse were in a relationship. I just chalked it up to us not being happy….things not working out. I didn't realize that my unhappiness was due to his constant manipulation, etc. His unhappiness was due to his need for the control that he didn't have over me. I was engaged and almost married that fool! It was not until a friend LITERALLY took me out of that situation that I was able to see it for what it was: emotional abuse.
The kicker: I don't think my ex knows that he was emotionally abusive. He is probably still up to his mental tricks to this day. I saw a picture of his now wife and she looked so unhappy standing beside him. Quite sad.

OP, your experience is more common than you know!

 

[Jas123]

Well I currently live with my significant other and we have a two yr old its his home and I pay no bills. I am ready to get my own place because I feel like I have no security meaning my name is not on nothing and if smtg happens to him im stuck and we got an in argument once and he told me to get my sh@@t and leave and when that happen it made me realize that I couldnt allow myself to be in a situation with anyone where I'm not secure. Im currently unemployed but actively looking for work. After all that being said im so freaked put becuz I have fear of making it on my own. Anyone had an similar experience or have advice on how to start your my own life meaning saving money and how to properly set aside money from pay check to pay check to pay bills may fear is what if I get a job but it doesnt pay much would I be able to handle a household on my own. Ive paid rent before but that was a college apartment and it was just rent and I knew I had loan and financial aid money coming so i felt comfortable

In my previous post I never advise you to leave, that is totally up to you. But whether you leave or stay you still need to follow the advice given here. You need to put yourself & child in a position where you don't feel insecure... You need to put you & your child in a position where if you have to leave or he kicks you out you will be ok. In my opinion all women living w/their partners need to make sure if anything happens they are secure, especially if children are involved. Because the thing is he could up n' croak (God forbid) and you would still be in the same situation as if he had put you out, legally speaking.
It's having insurance... We drive cars not ever expecting to get in an accident, but in the event of an accident we have insurance to cover the expenses.

I'm passionate about this because my mom and I were in a situation where we were in a foreign country when my mom decided enough with my dad and she left... She had our passports (to get us back to the US), some money(plane ticket) , family back in Chicago (to stay with temp.) and a degree(to get a job to support us)... All of this was her security.

 

[zora]

In my previous post I never advise you to leave, that is totally up to you. But whether you leave or stay you still need to follow the advice given here. You need to put yourself & child in a position where you don't feel insecure... You need to put you & your child in a position where if you have to leave or he kicks you out you will be ok. In my opinion all women living w/their partners need to make sure if anything happens they are secure, especially if children are involved. Because the thing is he could up n' croak (God forbid) and you would still be in the same situation as if he had put you out legally speaking.
It's having insurance... We drive cars not ever expecting to get in an accident, but in the event of an accident we have insurance to cover the expenses.

I'm passionate about this because my mom and I were in a situation where we were in a foreign country when my mom decided enough with my dad and she left... She had our passports (to get us back to the US), some money(plane ticket) , family back in Chicago (to stay with temp.) and a degree(to get a job to support us)... All of this was her security.

Not only that, the SO is potentially in a better position to get custody if she has nowhere to go.