Men, Desperation and the Scarcity Mentality

[Harina]

I don't know how to explain this properly but I've been noticing this weird combination of desperation from men, specifically black men look: so sue me) mixed with a presumption that I should be on the floor ecstatic that anyone is paying me any mind. It's always this sort of the-world-is-ending-tomorrow grandiose gesturing. I've only really lived here and in Europe, but I did not really see this in Europe. Occasionally this occurs with non-black men.

One experience that really stands out, is a couple of years ago, I very distinctly remember walking from the grocery store to my apartment complex. As I was crossing the street, this young black guy literally stopped his car in the middle of the street and jumped out of his car and started gesturing at me to his car, like come over to this total stranger and drive away with me. He was shouting something at me as well but I couldn't really hear him because of other cars and because I was freaked out by the whole thing. I've never heard of this or seen such a thing with other races.

Even last year, I lived with a young black male roommate who had a white gf and only ever had white girls over, but he would still come at me in that same desperate, longing manner. And just a few recent events, in grocery stores of all places, got me thinking about this again.

Does anyone else experience this? Am I crazy? I find it to be very odd and off putting. It's like there's never any middle ground. It's always either over the top gestures of approval or blatantly being ignored.

And I was trying to figure if there was a name for this (the desperation aspect) so I googled around a bit and came across this interesting article about the Scarcity Mentality (in the next post). It's based off some of Dr. Stephen Covey's thoughts. He wrote The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People, which I need to add to my reading list. I think in general the scarcity mentality is applicable to all races of men (and women). But I think in regards to black men, I think that it's been combined with what the media/society (all forms from TV to porn) puts out as the ideal woman (which is obviously completely opposite to what a black woman looks like) and this is where what I'm experiencing stems from.

I think there's just alot of mixed messages coming out. Anybody have any thoughts on this? Even putting race aside, do you get a sense of desperation from men in general or this weird you should be on your knees, praising the lord that a man paid you any mind? And then you add texting, FB, and twitter into the mix and it all just becomes a hot pile of mess.

 

[Harina]

http://solidgame.co.za/04/scarcity-mentality-the-reason-we-get-and-act-desperate/

Wadup. I wanna talk briefly about a type of mentality that drives us to make bad decisions about our dating life. Scarcity mentality.

To explain what scarcity mentality is for those that don’t know, I found a passage by Dr Stephen Covey ( author of The Seven habits of highly Successful People ).

“Most people are deeply scripted in what I call the Scarcity Mentality. They see life as having only so much, as though there were only one pie out there. And if someone were to get a big piece of the pie, it would mean less for everybody else.

The Scarcity Mentality is the zero-sum paradigm of life. People with a Scarcity Mentality have a very difficult time sharing recognition and credit, power or profit – even with those who help in the production. The also have a a very hard time being genuinely happy for
the success of other people.

The Abundance Mentality, on the other hand, flow out of a deep inner sense of personal worth and security. It is the paradigm that there is plenty out there and enough to spare for everybody. It results in sharing of prestige, of recognition, of profits, of decision making. It opens possibilities, options, alternatives, and creativity.”

Reading this should begin to form a picture of how this applies to why someone would become “Desperate”.

You also begin to see how it would apply to someone who conducts their dating life with

The Abundance Mentality.

When you are desperate, you are just that much closer to compromising your ethics, standards and morals because you are so scared that you might never meet someone again or just scared to be alone.

This mentality leads you to tolerate behaviour that you would normally not accept…simply because he/she paid you attention out of desperation or the fear that you will be lacking something.

This mentality also causes you to be incredibly jealous and possessive too. You can’t stand to see someone else getting laid regularly. You find yourself thinking to yourself, “Why the **** is that happening to him/her!?!…what does he/she have that I don’t.!?!” ..instead of being genuinely happy for them and working on your own issues.

When you are interested in a boy or girl and its not official… it becomes a big deal that they are spending time with someone else and not you. Yep it is as it sounds…immature.

A person with a deep inner sense of personal worth does not need to feel threatened by “lack”. They have enough self love within themselves that they believe that external sources of love, affection, attention is just a valuable bonus. They believe that having a girlfriend or boyfriend would be great BUT they don’t feel incomplete within themselves because they don’t have one at the moment.

They are not willing to settle for nothing less than what they deserve.

To achieve Abundance mentality is easier said than done. It is a process. This doesn’t mean that one shouldn’t try. Maintaining the Scarcity mentality costs you a whole lot more than it would cost you train your mind to adopt the Abundance mentality.

Here are a few tips

Focus your mind on abundance.

At the risk of sounding new-agey or a hippy…your mind is the single most powerful tool. It is for this reason you need to be aware at all times what is preoccupying your mind.

Is it negative or positive?

If you are focused on all the negative crap in your life…well then that’s all you are going to see.

I’m not trying to over simplify things here. I know life can suck a ****load. But if you are focused on how your dating life sucks for you, that’s all you are going to see..negative ****.

You will NOT see the opportunities to turn things around.

Think solutions not problems! you are what you think.

Appreciate:
It is so easy to get preoccupied with problems in life/dating we tend to forget WE ARE ALIVE! Appreciate your food, life, your roof, your friends and family and so on. This can not only turn a sour mood into a more positive one within minutes but also help you notice possibilities you have missed or forgotten. This can only serve to create an open vibe within you.

It’s a process that you need to keep working on. ( *insert kumbaya chorus here* )

Surround yourself with Abundance mentality people:

I remember back in the day when my mom used to scold me about some of the friends I kept. She used to say “I don’t want you hanging with those boys blade, they are no good for you” I never really understood this until later in life. Looking back, half of those mofos are complete losers now and me…well…I’m a baller now…but that’s beside the point.

Misery loves company. Is the company you keep a bunch of miserable mopes who have nothing better to do but feel sorry for themselves?

When it comes to dating it it’s the same thing, why not hang out with someone that’s good with women. You are bound to learn a thing or two about their attitude how they carry themselves.

Be selective with what you put into your mind. Create your own environment of abundance and place people with abundance in your world.

Yeah, I think that’s all I have to say on that.

*Takes a Puffs from a cheffy flavoured hubbly*

 

[Layluh]

This is interesting OP as I'm currently reading the 7 habits book. But, I do think it goes a little bit deeper than this. Black women have been treated like this all over the world for a long time.

I remember being a little girl around lower class Mexicans (gardeners and such) and they would treat me the same way. Nevermind the fact that I was between 6 and 17, it was gross. Make cat calls from their patios, tell me to come up to where they were etc. Even my mother in law from Mauritius (a small island near Madagascar), said the same thing of Arab men. They would just treat them as if they were entitled to them, sexually harass and assault them in public and etc.

The only other women that I can think of that may have this problem as bad as we have it are latinas. But these same men who act desperate like this don't really act like this around WW. They tend to get some act right around them.

I think some of it may be the scarcity thing but there's def other factors at play too.

 

[WhipEffectz1]

Interesting....

 

[Son26]

,,,,.................

 

[Afro Puff]

I think many men are territorial. Some think they own the available women in their ethnic group and class. And they call out to some of those women like they have no sense. They're boys at heart & forever will be. That's important to remember.

At the same time, MEN ARE SMART. They learn how to treat each woman they meet based on how the woman treats herself, carries herself, dresses, and based on the level of confidence she exudes.

 

[frida1980]

Yes, I see this crap all the time here. About 99% of the time, it's kangs doing it. Occassionally it's fat country men that think black women are easy. It's depressing because it causes me to reject more men than neccessary because they are so disrespectful towards me and other people.

The truth is this is because of desperation. But not by males, but females. There are more females than males, which makes a population behave differently because of that fact. It's exacerbated by lots of articles complaining of black women not getting married, out of wedlock birth, etc. Also by the fact that we live in a society that dictates the value of a woman by whether or not she has a man. In many situations, most women think any man is better than no man. The ones with even the worst men may be seen by others as better than a woman with no one at all. Sigh... It may not seem like it's true, but it certainly is in a lot of the places I've been.

Once when I was visiting a book store, some kang saw me go in and then parked right beside me backwards so that he could talk to me as I left the store. I was horrified that he was do something so stalkerish! Why would you target a woman like that. I told him off and was rattled for a little while. While complaining about this experience at work, a co-worker cut me off and said:

" Well did you get that number?"

What the... She was actually upset with me for rejecting the guy.

In her mind, any man that comes on to you deserves a chance. In my mind, only a polite man that approaches me properly deserves my attention. I've been raised to know exactly how I should be treated as a lady and a person. In spite of her parents being married and her having a strong church background, she has no concept of standards of proper treatment.

I've wonder why so many women from good families would condone such disrespectful treatment. My only answers are the world has changed a great deal, where simple courtesy has been considered foul or unnecessary with specific groups and woman are reacting the fears of not being alone. So they will condone this absurd behavior. This isn't just with black women. In fact my best observation of this was with a white woman with a disability.

"J" has scoliosis, which affects her self esteem and self image. To her, she has to have a man that makes her feel beautiful, sexy, and wanted. (She's everything one of these things already!) There's nothing wrong with that, but the way she allows men to treat her is horrible. I've watched her fall blindly for men, believing everything they tell her. Even though, it's obvious that their saying just what she wants to hear. She always gets these guys online, instead of in person. Their normally in the military and cut off from a steady supply of women. Nearly all of them are on the rebound. They get very close through chatting and they're all she can talk about. She's been "engaged" twice, by men who were joking obviously but she took very seriously. She's constantly had sex with men who call her a "friend", even though they know she's in love with them. They never take her out for dates. Instead she cooks for all of her boyfriends and the hang out at home only. When I point out that they should take her out and treat her a lot better, she retorts the very common:

"You just jealous because I have a boyfriend and you don't!"

There's no doubt in my mind that "J" is desperate. As long as she is desperate she's never have a healthy relationship. She'll only be toyed with until the guy finally get bored and she's forced to find another loser.

How does this play in to black males and females. Well if many women are desperate for men, there are certain things that black men will get used to. Like being able yell to a girl, any girl, and expect her to actually respond, expecting sex from a perfect stranger, living with a girl and never paying bills, and never having any intention of marry to a woman no matter how well she treats him.

I find this is worse for me because, my brother says that guys think that proper speaking gals like me are "easier" and naive. -_-

Really?

This is why it's so important that we teach our daughters the meaning of self-respect and how they should be treated when they go out there. As a young teenager I would've caved in to this if I hadn't had my brother warn me and protect me from these people.

We cannot react to a tense situation, like scarcity of men, as if it's the end of the world. Instead we need to realize that having a man isn't everything and how to make our own lives better with or without them. The truth is, we have to get women stop giving them power they don't deserve.

 

[Creatividual]

Harina I totally agree! When you are on the frequency of abundance, everything you want you can have. Desperation doesn't exist. Ever since I have shifted my thoughts to those of abundance and gratitude, I have attracted a whirlwind of positive things. I haven't met my Mr. Right just yet but I know what I want (and that what I'm asking for isn't unrealistic) and don't feel the need to settle. I know what I want it out there and am going to stay true to.

 

[Harina]

Thank you for your responses. I'm just trying to wrap my head around this.

 

[sounbeweavable]

This might sound bad, but I've been very turned off by black men in general because this is literally the only kind of reaction I get from the ones who are my age... cat calls, yelling at me from their cars, making gross grunting noises, horribly sexual pickup lines, etc... and they have this attitude like I should be grateful that they're paying me attention. The only men my age who have ever approached me respectfully are white men and even that's few and far between. I wonder if it's a generational thing because the black guys I've met through work (who are way too old for me, mind you) act normal, but men under like 35... Jesus... you'd think they were at a strip joint.