Marry me or else???

[bimbabe]

Ladies...do you believe in applying pressure (whether indirect or direct) in order to get your SO to marry you?

Married ladies did you apply any pressure to get that ring (direct or indirect)?

Does applying pressure work?

 

[♥Lamaravilla♥]

I wouldn't, why force someone to marry you? If anyone is going to marry me it's going to be because they want to not because I gave them an ultimatum. At the same time I'm not going to sit around for years waiting for him to meet me at the altar either.

 

[ctosha]

NO NO NO! I would not give an ultimatum because your essentially backing this person into a corner. Let's say my SO proposes I will never know if its because of the ultimatum or because he truly wanted to. I would let my SO know of what my intentions are but never force or pressure that will only drive them away but if I felt I was going to die if I didn't get married or if I felt it was essential to my relationship and could not live without being married I would let that person know and and move on. If someone is not ready there is not much you can do, they can't help the way they feel. Its either live with their decision and be patient or move on to the next. IMO.

 

[Dposh167]

um. definitely not. I would never do anything like that

 

[JustKiya]

I don't believe in applying pressure, I believe in letting a man know that 'dating' has an expiration date. After a certain amount of time, we are either going to move forward to getting married, or we are going to move backwards and go back to 'friends'. There ain't no 'hanging out in let's figure it out limbo for year after year after year after year.'

That would be assuming I wanted to get married at some point in time. If I never wanted to get married - well, we wouldn't be asking this question, would we?

Either you want me for life, or you don't. And personally, I don't think it should take more than three years to figure that out. If you still ain't sure, I'll take that as a No, and move on to someone who can make up their mind at bout the same rate that I can.

*shrug* Expectations are very different from ultimatums.

 

[bimbabe]

But reminding your SO about your expectations wouldn't be considered indirect pressure??? Pressure doesn't have to be ultimatums

 

[Solti]

Pulling away is the ultimatum...if he chases...hes yours...if he doesn't NEXT.

 

[MrsHdrLe]

I didn't pressure, I just moved out! He came looking for me when he got hungry and lonely (LOL) a month later with a ring and date. I did, however date him casually for five years b/c we were raising our kids from previous relationships/marriages. I did give him 2 years shacking up, but I don't really have any regrets now (but when I was in the situation, I was mostly afraid of "if" vs. "when" and that fueled a lot of my fears). I think we both needed to do some growing though. Now we're engaged and he's the bridezilla round these parts (which is kinda cool). I think he really wants to marry me, not because I left him, but because he missed me in his life.

 

[guudhair]

No...and I believe the men/women who have pressured the other person into marriage (or parenting) will be left or cheated on sooner or later...eventually that "pressure" wears off and the person who was cornered will realize that he/she is not where they really want to be and/or who they really want to be with...regardless of how many years go by and how many babies were produce in between those years, that person will still have a void because he/she would feel as if they got married to their DH/DW because they "had to" or "needed to" not becasue he/she "WANTED TO" ...I really don't see the point in "trying" making someone WANT to marry you...I want someone to want to marry me, without being pressured...if you are dating for marriage, then that should be clear from day one to eliminate not being on the same page...and even if two people are on the same page about marriage, that doesn't mean that the person he/she is with is the one they want to spend the rest of their life with.

ETA: I don't believe leaving a person for not marrying you is pressuring...

 

[Bunny77]

But reminding your SO about your expectations wouldn't be considered indirect pressure??? Pressure doesn't have to be ultimatums

I'm with Kiya in that my expectations are made known at the beginning of the relationship... that I am dating for marriage, and there will be no lengthy "dating" periods happening with me.

Then, I sit back and watch how the relationship unfolds. If HE is the one to continue to move things forward, then I feel good that this man is equally marriage minded.

If by a certain point (6-9 months), the "M" word isn't even discussed, then I know it is time to be out... I won't say much to remind him of my expectations or anything like that... I'll just start backing away and preparing to move on. And if he starts wondering why, I'll simply say that it's clear we aren't on the same page. And while I wish him well, it's time for me to move on to someone else who is clearly looking for a wife, and not a girlfriend.

I don't consider this pressure at all. He clearly has a choice, and if his choice doesn't fit with mine, I leave. Many MEN say that a man knows if he wants to marry you VERY early on (not necessarily saying he will propose, but he will know) and then he will move in the direction of marriage sooner rather than later... and the woman in that situation will never have to wonder if he's going to propose or not. Because he will.

 

[-Kąditty-]

You do not have to pressure someone who truly wants you for life.

 

[HoneyA]

Not any more to the first question. No to the last question since I'm not married. We broke up. Applying pressure doesn't work because it's done out of fear. Once you face your fears and overcome them, you don't even think about applying pressure. Once you (general you) find yourself applying pressure, you need to look at you. Introspection is needed. Sometimes this can only be done when you are far removed from the situation. Speaking from experience here.

 

[mrselle]

Nope. I don’t think ultimatums are a good thing. I did not give my husband an ultimatum when we were dating. I didn’t need to. We had dated years before and he knew where I stood once we got back together, so we dated with the goal of marriage in mind. I did set a deadline in my mind though. He knew nothing about it. Fortunately, he popped the question before his time was up.

I have a friend who issued an ultimatum to her husband. He had about six months to propose. I don’t know if she told him flat out that she would leave him if he didn’t propose, but she certainly made it clear that she needed that ring by a certain date. Christmas came and she did not get a ring. Her boyfriend told her that day that he was not going to propose to someone just because they told him when to do it, where to do it and how to do it. He made it clear that when he did propose it would be in his time, in his way on his terms. She didn’t leave him. So, he took back control, but she spent the next several months asking when, how and where. She did get her ring about eight months later, but it was a stressful time for her.

 

[LisaLisa1908]

Ultimatums don't work.

Either you establish your position early on or you get what you get. Worrying and wondering about someone's intentions is the surest way to NEVER get what you want.

If you need to REMIND someone about your expectations, you need to consider what THEIR expectations are as well. When someone wants you, they don't keep it a secret.

 

[mscocoface]

Please tell me in the midst of all these wedding preperations you two have done or will be doing some extensive counselling? Doesn't have to be with a Pastor but with someone so ALL expectations are out in the open, up front and center?

Blended families are a unique set of challenges and you want to be sure everything has been addressed and your both are going in with your eye wide open.

 

[Rastafarai]

Ladies...do you believe in applying pressure (whether indirect or direct) in order to get your SO to marry you?

Married ladies did you apply any pressure to get that ring (direct or indirect)?

Does applying pressure work?

Miss BIM, how yuh going?

Don't apply pressure. You shouldn't have to. If he knows your expectations and hasn't made an attempt to budge then keep it moving.

 

[GoingNatural]

Marry me or else what??? If you have to do that then be prepared to leave. If you have to give an ultimatum, direct or indirect, something is wrong. To me, that means communication wasn't there when you all were dating and you need to work on that before you get married anyway. The actual proposal should be a surprise as to when it happens but not to if it happens. IMO.

But I'm single so I could be way off base

 

[Almaz]

Okay Okay Okay If you HAVE to feel that you have to pressure someone then there is something Seriously wrong with the relationship and if the person complies its only for a minute what kind of relationship is that. And most of the time it always back fire cause or else usually comes out to Okay Later bye

 

[darlingdiva]

I'm with Kiya in that my expectations are made known at the beginning of the relationship... that I am dating for marriage, and there will be no lengthy "dating" periods happening with me.

Then, I sit back and watch how the relationship unfolds. If HE is the one to continue to move things forward, then I feel good that this man is equally marriage minded.

If by a certain point (6-9 months), the "M" word isn't even discussed, then I know it is time to be out... I won't say much to remind him of my expectations or anything like that... I'll just start backing away and preparing to move on. And if he starts wondering why, I'll simply say that it's clear we aren't on the same page. And while I wish him well, it's time for me to move on to someone else who is clearly looking for a wife, and not a girlfriend.

I don't consider this pressure at all. He clearly has a choice, and if his choice doesn't fit with mine, I leave. Many MEN say that a man knows if he wants to marry you VERY early on (not necessarily saying he will propose, but he will know) and then he will move in the direction of marriage sooner rather than later... and the woman in that situation will never have to wonder if he's going to propose or not. Because he will.

This is it in a nutshell!