Married Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

[DayStar]

....say the first 7 years?
What mistakes did you make that you would advise younger women to be careful/cautious of?
what advice would you give to those who have been married for 5 years or less?

you dont have to go into details.....just general information..

thanks

 

[Vanity1]

Re: Marreid Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

Married just 4 months, helluva long way to go, but so far my advice is to be patient, pray alot if that is your thing or talk to the gods, trees or whatever, and compromise. Pick your battles. Talk everything out when you are calm, because once you say things you can't take it back , but that doesn't mean bite your tongue and take crap.

No new issues and really aren't huge when I actually think about them, same things we dealt with before marriage, but they can be and are being worked out.

 

[AceH]

Re: Marreid Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

I am a very strong independent woman, so I tended to handle EVERYTHING. I made sure the bills were paid early, that the house was clean, groceries were bought, and the list goes on. DH got into the habit of doing the bare minimum which was going to work and producing the paycheck. Well, I worked as well! WTF? Now, 5 years later, I am acting a fool because I am tired of doing everything. I just stopped. Nothings getting done unless HE does it. I'm taking the time for ME. It's hard, but I had to break him out of this. He really sees how much hard work it is to keep the household running smoothly. We're taking it a day at a time. This was my hard learning lesson.

 

[Southernbella.]

Re: Marreid Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

^^^^That cake looks so good!

Pregnancy is hard. Those men on tv who wait on their pregnant wives hand and foot, going out at 3am for pickles and rubbing feet every night? I have yet to meet one IRL, so don't expect that. If it happens, great! If not, don't hold it against your dh. It's hard for them too.

Don't expect happy, giggly rainbows and sunshine every day. It's ok to be in the house together and not talk. It's ok for you to read and him to watch TV. Even after marriage, your spouse is not there to entertain you.

Don't force him to communicate. That was very hard for me. When I wanted to talk, we HAD to talk RIGHT THEN! He didn't take too kindly to that. If a man tells you to leave it alone, leave it alone for awhile. He's probably trying to keep from choking you.

 

[Lucie]

Re: Marreid Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

Living together in and of itself was an issue. I am super anal and meticulous. If I see a piece of lint on the floor, I will not pick it up. I will vaccuum the entire room. DH tidies up at the end of the night. I tidy up as I see things arise and it was hard for me to see his socks strewn all over the bed after he did laundry.

It was hard for me to hear him tell me he didn't want to talk about things when he was upset. Dr. John Gray says men are like rubber bands and you have to give them time to snap back. DH always does.

Good luck!

 

[dlewis]

Re: Marreid Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

^^^^That cake looks so good!

Pregnancy is hard. Those men on tv who wait on their pregnant wives hand and foot, going out at 3am for pickles and rubbing feet every night? I have yet to meet one IRL, so don't expect that. If it happens, great! If not, don't hold it against your dh. It's hard for them too.

Don't expect happy, giggly rainbows and sunshine every day. It's ok to be in the house together and not talk. It's ok for you to read and him to watch TV. Even after marriage, your spouse is not there to entertain you.

Don't force him to communicate. That was very hard for me. When I wanted to talk, we HAD to talk RIGHT THEN! He didn't take too kindly to that. If a man tells you to leave it alone, leave it alone for awhile. He's probably trying to keep from choking you.

Now that's good advice. My husband has told me that a many times and recently told me that I can be a bit much at times and he has to restrain himself.

 

[dlewis]

Re: Marreid Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

In the beginning things had to be my way, no room to do things differently. Time has changed that.

The house had to be spotless and if it wasn't it changed my mood. Time has changed that.

I tried to get along with his family for him knowing they didn't like me but prefered someone else. Time has changed that.

 

[neenzmj]

Re: Marreid Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

Ummm... It feels like I have a list, but I'll try and keep it brief:

Control
I'd had been single for awhile I found myself trying to be in control of everything and wanting things to happen my way. My husband is very laid back, but he is also very wise in that he just sat back and let me wear myself out trying to "make it all happen." I finally got the clue that I needed to allow him to take his role as the husband and I was to come along side of him and act as his partner.

Blended family:
My husband has a daughter by a previous marriage. It was a VERY rocky start for us in that his ex-wife acted a fool for quite awhile in her anger over us getting married. I had to squash my

 

[neenzmj]

Re: Marreid Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

Oops... I didn't realize I'd actually submitted a half-completed answer. Here's my real response:

Control
I'd had been single for awhile I found myself trying to be in control of everything and wanting things to happen my way. My husband is very laid back, but he was also very wise in that he just sat back and let me wear myself out trying to "make it all happen." I finally got the clue that I needed to allow him to take his role as the husband (the head) as I came along side of him as his help.

The Ex-Wife
My husband has a daughter from a previous marriage. We experienced some really ugly episodes because she wasn’t as prepared to see him with someone else as she thought (even though she requested the divorce.) I HATED this woman for MANY years and my feelings for her prevented me from really being able to embrace his daughter as part of our new. In retrospect, my husband and I have agreed that HE should have dealt with his ex-wife early on in order to have a better relationship with his daughter. After all, she was just the child caught in the middle of drama.

The In-Law
It’s necessary to have some boundaries for your in-laws. My mother-in-law came to live in our city a few years ago. She and my husband have this small-town mentality that says it’s ok to show up at someone’s house unannounced. Well, to my dismay, one day I’m prancing around the living room virtually naked and I look out the window and here she comes walking up the driveway. I was HEATED! From that experience, we learned you have to (respectfully) set some boundaries for your parents.

Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff
This is probably one of the most important things. When we grasped this, our marriage soared to another level. There is SOOOOOO much stuff that just isn’t worth haggling over: who left the toilet seat up, who left the cabinets open, who left the cap off the toothpaste. Mind you, this doesn’t mean we don’t mention these things to one another, but it’s not worth arguing or attacking one another over. Marriages face enough challenges without our pet peeves chipping away at the relationship.

This is my short list.

 

[tilati]

Re: Marreid Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

He didn't take too kindly to that. If a man tells you to leave it alone, leave it alone for awhile. He's probably trying to keep from choking you.

I'm nowhere near 7 years of marriage, but this was our main problem. Once I understood that no matter how bad I want to talk, if DH don't I'd better leave him alone, our lives have been so much easier

Sometimes I'm so pissed and I want to yell at him so bad, I have to actually put my hand over my mouth to shut up

 

[Zaynab]

Re: Marreid Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

^^^^That cake looks so good!

Pregnancy is hard. Those men on tv who wait on their pregnant wives hand and foot, going out at 3am for pickles and rubbing feet every night? I have yet to meet one IRL, so don't expect that. If it happens, great! If not, don't hold it against your dh. It's hard for them too.

Don't expect happy, giggly rainbows and sunshine every day. It's ok to be in the house together and not talk. It's ok for you to read and him to watch TV. Even after marriage, your spouse is not there to entertain you.

Don't force him to communicate. That was very hard for me. When I wanted to talk, we HAD to talk RIGHT THEN! He didn't take too kindly to that. If a man tells you to leave it alone, leave it alone for awhile. He's probably trying to keep from choking you.

This is one of the reasons I wouldn't have any more kids. Dh and I don't do the pregnancy thing well, I'm too hormonal and emotional and his personality (Sag) just can't take the emotions of it I think. It was always a make or break time in our marriage, LUCKILY the 2nd time around-we knew to expect it, so we were prepared.

I second you on the communication issue too. Men communicate differently. Recgonize that and don't push them on things. I have a wait rule. If there is something I want to discuss with dh and I know its going to be a long drawn out thing, I don't jump him when he walks in the door they hate that, its like "now what" to them.

Cyclic relationships-relationships like all things go in cycles, recognize there will be "lull" moments, take some time to re-connect, do sweet things for each other. Sit back and think about why you got together. When our relationship would go through a "lull" I'd be like "oh wow new brotha at the mall is looking mighty fresh and clean these days" I think this is why folks cheat, a tough spot comes up, instead of addressing it, you well address another person

I'm a control freak and dh is a freedom freak-we bumped heads so much on that issue initially. I've learned over the years that the things I want to control just aren't that serious-I've learned to chill out alot.
I've been married nine years and the first four, wait, five were rough I think. We're in the good squishy phase of our marriage There was just ALOT of adjusting, knowing what battles to pick, what was important, what wasn't. I got married young 23, dh was 31 and we were like counseling? Bahh, who needs that "we in LUB" Uh, so we are from the school of hard marriage like we were married, you just figure it out, oh well.

We also adopted this mentality that is like "If you want out, just die" where divorce is not an option. We just agreed on that and honestly for us that is so huge. It's like we say we're committed to the overall committment we made, to the marriage, not to each other, because 'each other' is human and humans can fail.


^^^ Given my experience, I think that people should put off having kids until longer than the unspoken two year rule. I just think it takes a little longer to really figure each other, when you add children too soon to a new relationship, it takes more adjustment, etc.

Marriage is tough, there were some days when I was like *** the dumb, I'm outta here but I can say it gets better and better and better.

 

[Zaynab]

Re: Marreid Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

....say the first 7 years?
What mistakes did you make that you would advise younger women to be careful/cautious of?
what advice would you give to those who have been married for 5 years or less?

you dont have to go into details.....just general information..

thanks

One more thing, men want sex, peace (hate drama, arguing, confrontation) and food. I promise if you do all of those things, make him feel kingly, they are just as happy as pigs in mud. They are just really simple creatures

After I got all of these things downpat, I have honestly never had problems in my marriage. It still amazes me how sex and good food can change the whole course of a man's mood, odd.

 

[itismehmmkay]

Re: Marreid Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

^^^lol I remember that thread.

 

[fuchsiastar]

Re: Marreid Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

Ya'll are in here dropping knowledge, please keep it coming! I've made the big step of moving in with my fiancee, so it feels like I am married even though we are not yet. We are going through some adjustments with our living situation, and I definitely will be working on the control thing and the food/peace/sex supply.

 

[Zaynab]

Re: Marreid Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

^^^lol I remember that thread.

PEACE AND PIECE. No matter what they say, that is all they want. They want to do the al bundy, watch TV, eat, and lay it down, that's it. When they are all agreeable saying "yeah baby, oh sure, wow, really, for real" They don't careI'm not saying men have no depth but they are just not complex at all

 

[syze6]

Re: Marreid Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

It is SO not wrong to not talk! I have had my moments where I HAD to not talk! I HAD to have him on the couch! I can be a monster when angered! My friends thought I was crazy walking around not speaking! It is not the end of the world!

I am the only girl of six brothers and was taught to be strong and independent. Shoot...my dad would do practice drills on me changing a tire, washing his truck, changing oil etc. Whatever my brothers learned to do, he made sure I learned to do! I had to stop doing everything and let hubby do. It would be nothing for me to go get my oil changed or take the car to the shop. I had to learn to stop!

Marriage is trail and error and I have been married 2+ years and I still wonder about beign a wife! We are VERY different people yet we share some common things! I have moments when I ENVY the shackers because it seems life is so grand! I curse their happiness! LOL!!

I had to learn to communicate instead of walking around for days spewing! He had to learn I wasn't rolling over letting my alter ego Le Le satisfy him sexually, when he comes in bogus! (what syze can't do, Lele gets it done) )

My mom says it gets better once you master ignoring alot of the simple things! She makes it clear not to skip on the big things!

 

[DayStar]

Re: Marreid Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

thanks for all your posts ladies

 

[dlewis]

Re: Marreid Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

1. sex

2. peace

3. food

Ok. I see. Taking notes.

Sigh.....

you got it.

 

[Zaynab]

Re: Marreid Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

1. sex

2. peace

3. food

Ok. I see. Taking notes.

Sigh.....

That's it. If they say anything different, they are just trying to prove they are 'real' and not shallow. It's a bunch of crap, that's all men want.

 

[Zaynab]

Re: Marreid Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

you got it.

^^^^^ See, even dlewis knows what's up

My dh was like all mad because I hadn't cooked in like 4 days, he wouldn't say anything directly---just was mumbling about "kiddie food" I'd been making, you know quick stuff, tacos, hot dogs, etc.

Then last week, I told him I needed some gas, I was like "you're slacking on my gas" he said "yeah you're slacking too" All huffy like, I was like "oh what's wrong with you, I sense some tude (I just wanted to see if he would say anything cause I know it was a SEX related issue). He was like "I'm straight" No mention of what I was slacking on,, see they don't want to tell you they feel like they are not getting enough sex currently---you can just sense it in their actions. Slamming doors and all of that Dude hadn't got any in like 4 days. So that coupled with NO FOOD, shooot.....was liable to send him over the edge.

He's normally very sweet and gregarious......SO, I sent him some umm X rated text messages later that day and told him what was up for later, and he has been whistling, bringing me diet cokes when he comes home from work.

I'm telling, men are like simple, simple. Babies, men and dogs, simple creatures.

 

[DayStar]

Re: Marreid Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

at least you are tune with his needs...some women dont even care....

^^^^^ See, even dlewis knows what's up

My dh was like all mad because I hadn't cooked in like 4 days, he wouldn't say anything directly---just was mumbling about "kiddie food" I'd been making, you know quick stuff, tacos, hot dogs, etc.

Then last week, I told him I needed some gas, I was like "you're slacking on my gas" he said "yeah you're slacking too" All huffy like, I was like "oh what's wrong with you, I sense some tude (I just wanted to see if he would say anything cause I know it was a SEX related issue). He was like "I'm straight" No mention of what I was slacking on,, see they don't want to tell you they feel like they are not getting enough sex currently---you can just sense it in their actions. Slamming doors and all of that Dude hadn't got any in like 4 days. So that coupled with NO FOOD, shooot.....was liable to send him over the edge.

He's normally very sweet and gregarious......SO, I sent him some umm X rated text messages later that day and told him what was up for later, and he has been whistling, bringing me diet cokes when he comes home from work.

I'm telling, men are like simple, simple. Babies, men and dogs, simple creatures.

 

[Zaynab]

Re: Marreid Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

at least you are tune with his needs...some women dont even care....

I mean its all great to say yeah, he should love me for me, well they love you for consistent sex too, nothing wrong with that. If you are married, give it up. Shoot, that's what you got married for, free legal sex. I'd been out of town working, the two nights I was at home, I fell asleep...so I knew he was gonna be touchy about the sex thing

 

[dlewis]

Re: Marreid Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

This is an important thread. I've got to make it a sticky.

I think you should. But what Zaynab left out was you have to have a half way decent man to start with. I mean if he's a dog and like sexin with any ole body. Feeding, sexing, and keeping peace in the house won't help.

 

[dlewis]

Re: Marreid Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

^^^^^ See, even dlewis knows what's up

My dh was like all mad because I hadn't cooked in like 4 days, he wouldn't say anything directly---just was mumbling about "kiddie food" I'd been making, you know quick stuff, tacos, hot dogs, etc.

Then last week, I told him I needed some gas, I was like "you're slacking on my gas" he said "yeah you're slacking too" All huffy like, I was like "oh what's wrong with you, I sense some tude (I just wanted to see if he would say anything cause I know it was a SEX related issue). He was like "I'm straight" No mention of what I was slacking on,, see they don't want to tell you they feel like they are not getting enough sex currently---you can just sense it in their actions. Slamming doors and all of that Dude hadn't got any in like 4 days. So that coupled with NO FOOD, shooot.....was liable to send him over the edge.

He's normally very sweet and gregarious......SO, I sent him some umm X rated text messages later that day and told him what was up for later, and he has been whistling, bringing me diet cokes when he comes home from work.

I'm telling, men are like simple, simple. Babies, men and dogs, simple creatures.

 

[Farida]

Re: Marreid Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

Adding to sex, food and peace, men LOVE to have their egoes stroked. So, throw in some praise every so often about how "strong," "manly," "smart," and "sexy" he is. How much you appreciate him being around and what would you do without him...

 

[awhyley]

Re: Marreid Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

Hey, it's a sticky now. Cool, because I'm finding this very interesting.
Keep em coming.

 

[Carrie A]

Re: Marreid Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

Adding to sex, food and peace, men LOVE to have their egoes stroked. So, throw in some praise every so often about how "strong," "manly," "smart," and "sexy" he is. How much you appreciate him being around and what would you do without him...

There are going to be some ego stroked, well fed, sexually satisfied husbands in the world this week. They're going to be wondering what's going on.

 

[divinefavor]

Re: Marreid Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

This is a great thread!!!

 

[bimbabe]

Re: Marreid Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

Thanks for this thread.
I'll use it for future reference.

 

[Zaynab]

Re: Marreid Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

I think you should. But what Zaynab left out was you have to have a half way decent man to start with. I mean if he's a dog and like sexin with any ole body. Feeding, sexing, and keeping peace in the house won't help.[/QUOT

Now D-you are right, I think we were saying this with the impression that you would already have a good man I definitely don't want anyone to get it twisted, like if you do all those things and you got a sorry neegro at home,you can change him. heck no! Its 50-50, I believe if you do all of that WITH your good man, you will be ok and you can get just about anything from them. It works me anyway

Oh wait one more pray together in unison....prayer....
Prayer, sex, peace and food that's it