Married Ladies...were you attracted to your husbands when you all met?

[Crystalicequeen123]

Okay....I have a question:

How important is attraction (not necessarily simply just physical however) to you in a romantic relationship?


I'd like to know from ladies who are either married or in long-term serious relationships. I'm just wondering because I have a friend of mine who has recently expressed some interest in me, and while I'm loving the attention and he's pursuing (YESS!! ), I'm finding that I don't feel a "spark" when I'm with him! He's not super "ugly" or anything, but he's not really my "type". I almost can't look at him sometimes because I'm not feeling any attraction for him...poor guy. He likes me so much too. But he's a GREAT guy don't get me wrong, we have great conversations together (over the PHONE and text lol) and he's DOING and SAYING alllll the right things , but I find that when I see him in person I don't feel anything! I'd rather talk to him over the phone instead of in person. Is attraction something that grows over time for women? Should I give him more time?

My only beef is that when I ask my friends about attraction that they have for their SO almost every single girl friend that I talk to who is dating or is engaged to be married has told me that they either felt some sort of attraction or a feeling of "he's kinda cute" when they met their boyfriends/fiance's. I always feel so down because I want that too!

I'm thinking...when will I get that feeling??? I need something MUTUAL! Come on...IS this so hard to find?? I've had that "feeling" before for another guy friend of mine, but that didn't work out. But I would hope that the next guy that I date seriously would be someone who would not only be INTO me, but also someone who I could be INTO as well. I want the giddy feelings...the butterflies...the "I can't wait to see him" feeling.

So tell me ladies...am I crazy for wanting this? Have I been duped by Hollywood and thier silly portrayals of romantic fantasy? Have I been watching too many Lifetime movies or something? lol.... Should I continue to talk w/him and see him and see where things go? Or...cut my losses now? He has almost everything I look for in a man in how he treats me, but is that enough? I don't want to be TOO picky and end up alone....

 

[Shoediva]

Nope was not attracted to DH at all. But he was so PERSISTENT. I did everything possible to ignore him and he still didnt go away It wasnt that he wasnt attractive, I just wasnt feeling him.

Fast forward 9 years of dating and married 17 years

 

[wofford16]

Well to answer your initial question I was instantly physically attracted to my DH when we first met and after talking with him on a deeper level I was confident in my decision that I loved him for more than his looks.

However, I did date a guy who I didn't have any initial physical attraction to at first. We met in class and became study buddies and the more time I spent with him the more attracted I was to him. I LOVE AN INTELLIGENT MAN and that is why I started dating my study buddy because he offered so much more than physical beauty.

 

[JustKiya]

I wasn't initially physically attracted to DH, but DAMN he had/has a sexy brain. As I got to know him better, that sexiness swiftly spilled over to coat the rest of his short, light-skinneded self.

Even now though, I'm more attracted to who he is than I am attracted to the body he's in. DH is not my 'type' physically, at all. Do I care? Nope. He's my love, and that makes him perfect for me.

 

[tailormade84]

no....i thought his smile was too big and fake lol

once that smile calmed down a bit, i was attracted and his persistence is what lead me to marry him.

 

[Nina_deF]

Yes, my body screamed for him at first sight... well, at least for his body, head/face wasn't really what I was looking for....

My ex husband, nope, no physical attraction, more mental.

 

[danysedai]

Not really,I had known him since high school and we didn't live far apart so I ran into him at the bus stop several times. Years later I met him at a bus stop again while I was with some friends, he started asking me about a book I was reading and we couldn't stop talking. He is NOT my type (he's white and skinny) but some time later, when he kissed me for the first time I was a goner. We've been together for 15 years

 

[MD_Lady]

Nope, I didn't like him (or who I perceived him to be) at.all. But, one day, I saw him through different eyes and everything changed.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Hmm....wow, some mixed input! :scratchch

So when you ladies said that you were NOT "attracted" to your SO when you first met, did you mean that you didn't think he was all that "cute", OR did you mean that there was nothing that drew you to him? Because to me, attractiveness and ATTRACTION are two different things.

Idk...I guess to me "attraction" isn't JUST about looks, so I hope nobody is taking what I said to mean just looks. Because I can be attracted to a man, or feel a certain pull to want to spend more time with him, talk to him more, touch him, kiss him, etc. simply due to the aura or vibe he exudes. It could be the way he carries himself, how he treats me, his confidence, how I see the way he treats others, his passions, his hobbies, his intelligence, the depth of how he talks, etc. Just look at the thread on the Entertainment board about celebrity men we women think are "hot" or "sexy" even though most of the world does not think so lol.

So IMO attraction is not JUST about looks. But looks are somewhat important. It's not everything, but if a guy is not all that great looking, then he has to have that certain "je ne sais quoi" that draws me to him. And right now, this current guy doesn't have "it". He doesn't even have a feature that I find aesthetically pleasing on men in general. For example, I usually like a guy to have either a nice smile, nice eyes, or a nice body. Of course, if a guy has all three, then hey....that's a plus! But this guy has NEITHER!!

Yet, we DO have quite a bit in common, and I love the way he expresses his feelings to me, but idk...maybe things are just moving a bit too fast. My interest level isn't up there with his, and I'm not sure if I'll ever feel it! I think that's what scares me the most. I've known him for years, so it's not like we just met, but I've never had an "attraction" or a "he's kinda cute" feeling for him. *sigh*

I just wonder...am I wasting his (or my) time??

 

[JustKiya]

It sounds like you are blurring 'attraction' and 'attractiveness' when you talk about him, though. If you weren't on some level attracted to him, I don't think you would have started the thread. You just find him unattractive.

 

[snillohsss]

I was VERY attracted to my husband when we met. Over the years... it was that attraction that kept me interested in him when his attitude was less than desirable!

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

It sounds like you are blurring 'attraction' and 'attractiveness' when you talk about him, though. If you weren't on some level attracted to him, I don't think you would have started the thread. You just find him unattractive.

Haha...see that's the thing!! I don't find myself ATTRACTED to him either! Not only do I NOT find him attractive, I don't find myself attracted him either. That's a baaad combination IMO. Basically, when I think of attraction I think of this feeling that you want to be with the person. You want to be in their presence, you want to touch, feel them not just physically (although that should be true too ) but deep within their soul and being. You feel DRAWN to them somehow. When you're not around them, you want to be around them.

*sigh* I can't say that I feel this way with this guy. I'm not drawn to him in particular. I like our phone conversations and all, and we have some things in common, but I don't feel a pull towards him. I don't even miss him when we're not together. IMO those types of feelings should be there when you're considering the possibility of seriously dating someone.

Oh trust me, he says and does these wonderful things...and I'm LOVING the attention, but I am getting the feeling that it's just the attention that I like and not HIM that appeals to me. Because trust me, if ANOTHER dude came up to me and had all the same qualities, treated me the same, AND was attractive, AND I was ATTRACTED to him, you best better believe that I would go with the newer dude. NO contest! And I don't think it should be that way.

He deserves to be with someone who really loves him the way that he loves her.

But anyway.... I'm going to give it another month and see if my feelings don't change somewhat. He's being nice, so I'll see how I feel in about a month. But I keep feeling like I'm forcing something, and I don't like feeling that way. I don't like feeling like I have to cringe whenever he compliments me because I know I don't feel the same way. Right now I can't even imagine him kissing me, and I'm kind of glad that he hasn't tried. But then, SOME women say that they didn't feel any attraction to their husbands until he laid one on her...then it was like fireworks. Ugh....Idk, I just feel like I'm almost living a lie.

I was VERY attracted to my husband when we met. Over the years... it was that attraction that kept me interested in him when his attitude was less than desirable!

Exactly...I think this is pretty important too. There have been guys in the past who I just absolutely LOVED, and was attracted to like a moth to a flame, and even when their attitudes weren't great, it was my attraction to them that made me want to make things work, and forgive them for their actions. I couldn't deny it...I was sprung!

See...the guy I marry is going to HAVE to be someone that I'm attracted to hands down. Because if I'm going to have to fulfill those "wifely dues", I don't want to be cringing, and I don't want a guy to start feeling like he's undesirable. It's not worth it IMO. That can cause even MORE problems in a marriage if you ask me. Personally, I don't think it's worth it, and I wouldn't want to marry a man who was NOT attracted to me either. It's a lot of heartache on BOTH ends. Nope....not having it!

 

[yellagirl730]

Heck no, I don't know if you have read the Divorce thread I started. My husband is so arrogant he brought up the fact that he thought I was really into him when we met, So me being me had to crack his face and let him know.

 

[Glib Gurl]

I just want to say OP I really appreciate this thread With the exception of having known each other for a long time, your post reminds me of the situation I'm dealing with with "Dutch Chocolate" (check my blog if this isn't ringing any bells). I am determined to give him/it a chance and admit that my attraction to him is growing the more time we spend together . . . but I am also on guard because I don't want to just go along with the program because I'm enjoying his attentiveness . . . like you say, the man deserves someone who really cares for him based on who he is (not someone who is just enjoying the attention). GL to you!

 

[hopeful]

I felt an instant attraction when I first saw my dh. 27 years now since our first date and I still feel sparks. Some people don't have sparks but get along really well and genuinely like each other. I do believe that if there are no sparks there needs to be A Lot of compatibility and a very strong desire to have a mate and be committed to one person. It is very hard for me to imagine being with my husband all these years without a spark. I am attracted to him physically and mentally.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

Nope was not attracted to DH at all. But he was so PERSISTENT. I did everything possible to ignore him and he still didnt go away It wasnt that he wasnt attractive, I just wasnt feeling him.

Fast forward 9 years of dating and married 17 years

I could have written this almost exactly.

I wasn't initially attracted to DH, but he was the most persistent man I had ever met. He never gave up, and like you said--would not go away

We've known each other almost 24 years and and have been together for almost 20.

I am very attracted to him now

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I just want to say OP I really appreciate this thread With the exception of having known each other for a long time, your post reminds me of the situation I'm dealing with with "Dutch Chocolate" (check my blog if this isn't ringing any bells). I am determined to give him/it a chance and admit that my attraction to him is growing the more time we spend together . . . but I am also on guard because I don't want to just go along with the program because I'm enjoying his attentiveness . . . like you say, the man deserves someone who really cares for him based on who he is (not someone who is just enjoying the attention). GL to you!

Hehe...thanks GG!!

I'm glad you understand how I feel. My mom just can't even fathom it! She thinks he's sooo nice, and she's just happy that he's being honest and upfront w/his feelings instead of playing games like the OTHER guy I was smitten for did.

Idk...I just feel like I'm living some sort of lie. Like I said, I hope those "sparks" or feelings of attraction come soon, because I can't go my whole life without having a MUTUAL feeling of attraction w/someone. I just can't. I think I would end up very unhappy. I'm going to continue to give him a chance to "win me over" simply because he's being the type of guy that I know I deserve. He's doing and saying alll the right things.

One of my aunts who's married recently helped me to realize something however. When I told her my "dilemma" do you know what she told me? She asked me: "Why did you buy your phone? Why did you buy your car? Why did you buy that coat you're wearing? Etc..." I noticed that while I was explaining to her the reasons, that in all of my answers (aside from the practability of those items of course), I had mentioned that I bought my phone because it was aesthetically-pleasing. I loved the color, the way it looked. I bought my car because it was reliable, had great reviews, it fit my budget, AND it also looked nice. I bought my coat because I needed one lol, AND because it fit me and LOOKED nice.

She ended up telling me: "See...you spend all of that time researching and weighing the pros and cons when you buy big ticket items, and looks are a factor to why you buy something. So why do you feel like you have to settle when it comes to finding and dating a man...a man that you MIGHT end up marrying one day? Why settle with something as important as THAT??" HHAHA!!! She basically told me not to settle and to take my TIME. Don't rush trying to find someone right for you in other words. She said to give it another month with the current dude, but if nothing develops, then break it off and keep my eyes open, because eventually I WILL find someone who will fit everything I want in a man.

I have to admit, she had a good point! :scratchch

Why should I settle?? Men sure as heck don't! Especially in the "looks" or "attraction" department! I don't even think a man could marry a woman he wasn't at least attracted to. Forget her brains! lol!

I felt an instant attraction when I first saw my dh. 27 years now since our first date and I still feel sparks. Some people don't have sparks but get along really well and genuinely like each other. I do believe that if there are no sparks there needs to be A Lot of compatibility and a very strong desire to have a mate and be committed to one person. It is very hard for me to imagine being with my husband all these years without a spark. I am attracted to him physically and mentally.

Awww... See, that's what I want. Call me picky, but I know what I want. And when I hear of my girlfriends getting married, everytime I ask them how they felt about their SO's when they first met, and they at least had SOME kind of "oh he's kind of cute" feeling, even if (EVEN IF!) they weren't automatically attracted or smitten with him. I can't even say "well...at least he's cute" with this guy...

I want his outward looks or "package" to catch my eye, but ULTIMATELY it's his personality and good treatment of me that I want to keep me and make me fall for him. I hope this makes sense...

 

[Firstborn2]

I was not attracted to my hubs when I first met him. It actually took me about 6-8 mos before I decided to go out on a date with him. I'm glad he didn't give up on me, I love him dearly. I can't imagine my life without him.

 

[gabulldawg]

Not married (yet), but when I first met my FH I wasn't really paying him any attention. I was in the process of getting over my ex, so I wasn't really checking for guys like that at the moment. But apparently he was checking for me. We had a brief convo, but honestly, that night, if someone would've asked me to describe him I wouldn't have been able to! I will say that it took me a while to find him attractive because I was so hung up on my ex. I'm so glad those days are over! When I was finally able to let my ex go it was like looking at him for the first time. I was able to see what a handsome guy he was!

I'm sure it would have turned out differently if my mind wasn't so clouded by my ex. I probably would've been attracted to him the first time we met.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

*bumping* (Added a poll )

 

[Sistaslick]

Nope not physically attracted at all. But that mind... omg that brilliant mind!!!!

 

[lala]

Not initially because I was on the job and I was trying to be professional. I wasn't really paying him any attention at first, but he was so persistent so I finally acknowledged him. One of my coworkers was looking at his butt saying - girl did you see him from behind. She was checking him out more than I was. We do have a strong physical attraction though. I was attracted more to his body at first.

 

[*Frisky*]

Oh lord yes!!! We were introduced by mutual friends and I was hoping in my mind that he was tall, dark and bald and I got my wish!! hahaha..it is hard for me to get into a dude if I am not physically attracted to him. Well at least it used to be. I haven't been single for 8 years but I think it still would apply.

 

[dlewis]

Nope was not attracted to DH at all. But he was so PERSISTENT. I did everything possible to ignore him and he still didnt go away It wasnt that he wasnt attractive, I just wasnt feeling him.

Fast forward 9 years of dating and married 17 years

Same story here.

 

[Peabody1]

When I first met my DH I thought he was attractive, but felt he wasn't really my type. He was so nice and intelligent so I figured I'd give him a chance. I remember my sister telling me that I could go out with him, have a good time and that it wasn't like I had to marry him. LOL. Fast forward 5 years and almost 3 years of marriage and I would say I am 100% attracted to him and totally in love. When I was single I was the type of woman to throw myself into relationships and made so many mistakes because of this. When I look back I'm glad I wasn't head over heels in love with DH at first sight.

 

[sunnydaze]

Nope not physically attracted at all. But that mind... omg that brilliant mind!!!!

This is what I am looking for this go round.

 

[BabyImaStarr]

Not initially because I was on the job and I was trying to be professional. I wasn't really paying him any attention at first, but he was so persistent so I finally acknowledged him. One of my coworkers was looking at his butt saying - girl did you see him from behind. She was checking him out more than I was. We do have a strong physical attraction though. I was attracted more to his body at first.

Same here. DH was actually one of the first few people I met at work on my first day. I walked near his office and BAM there he was! He started making small talk and I was so nervous because it was my first day that I scurried off like a mouse. I really didn't pay his face any attention. Later that day he caught me in the hallway and started talking to me AGAIN. I tried to blow him off and told him to email me thinking that he didn't know my name. Wouldn't you know that by the time I returned to my desk, I had an email from him. Been stuck with him since.

 

[lala]

Me & DH didn't work together, he was a client. That would've been so hard trying to look innocent and nonchalant everyday especially as the mutual attraction grows.

 

[adf23]

I can say that I was attracted to my now husband, fortunately. I thought he was physically attractive- not in a WOW, heart racing kind of way, but attractive. Hands down, his personality and demeanor are what got us to the point of marriage tho.

 

[LunadeMiel]

Not married (yet), but when I first met my FH I wasn't really paying him any attention. I was in the process of getting over my ex, so I wasn't really checking for guys like that at the moment. But apparently he was checking for me. We had a brief convo, but honestly, that night, if someone would've asked me to describe him I wouldn't have been able to! I will say that it took me a while to find him attractive because I was so hung up on my ex. I'm so glad those days are over! When I was finally able to let my ex go it was like looking at him for the first time. I was able to see what a handsome guy he was!

I'm sure it would have turned out differently if my mind wasn't so clouded by my ex. I probably would've been attracted to him the first time we met.

I wasn't really attracted to FH when we first met. He was skinny yellowskinned dude who was a year below. I just remember him being really talkative and very smart. I think the attraction started when I saw him with his shirt off