RoundEyedGirl504
Well-Known Member
^^^ that escalated quickly!
He's Attractive, But I'm Not Attracted
- Thread starter TinyBlu
- Start date
classychic1908
Well-Known Member
If he ticked most of my boxes and appeared to be a good person, I would add him to my dating rotation, and get to know him on my own terms. A man being shy or not a great conversationalist isn't a red flag and doesn't mean he won't make a good partner. That's what good girlfriends are for!
intellectualuva
Well-Known Member
Yeah. But anyone who through gritted teeth would say to a waitress when she started to place the wrong plate in front of him "I assumed you would be smart enough to tell the difference between steak and chicken. Guess not. "......has a short fuse.
The waitress paused and she looked at me. I said thank you so much, smiled and asked her to bring me something I didnt need and then turned to him to ask him to tell me about his trip to Turks and Caicos. It was embarrassing, but I didn't want to make a scene by just leaving the way I used to in my 20s when a man did something distasteful.
The waitress paused and she looked at me. I said thank you so much, smiled and asked her to bring me something I didnt need and then turned to him to ask him to tell me about his trip to Turks and Caicos. It was embarrassing, but I didn't want to make a scene by just leaving the way I used to in my 20s when a man did something distasteful.
TinyBlu
Well-Known Member
Yeah. But anyone who through gritted teeth would say to a waitress when she started to place the wrong plate in front of him "I assumed you would be smart enough to tell the difference between steak and chicken. Guess not. "......has a short fuse.
The waitress paused and she looked at me. I said thank you so much, smiled and asked her to bring me something I didnt need and then turned to him to ask him to tell me about his trip to Turks and Caicos. It was embarrassing, but I didn't want to make a scene by just leaving the way I used to in my 20s when a man did something distasteful.
...WOW. All too familiar. Classic Narc. SOOOO glad you got away from him. I'll bet he's still single because "no one understands him" or "no one appreciates a good man" Whatever man.... kick rocks.
TinyBlu
Well-Known Member
If he ticked most of my boxes and appeared to be a good person, I would add him to my dating rotation, and get to know him on my own terms. A man being shy or not a great conversationalist isn't a red flag and doesn't mean he won't make a good partner. That's what good girlfriends are for!
Good point, but how do you get to know someone if they don't really say much? The purpose of dating is to see if you have common ground, and so far all I know is his age, where he's from, what he does for a living (which I already knew)...just really superficial stuff. Granted, we've only had a couple conversations, but those long pauses seem eternal....
You see how much I talk in my posts. I'd probably drive him bananas!!!
Speaking of girlfriends, one of my single girlfriends weighed in, and our conversation really made me think. She asked me what I WANTED (highlighting that I am very clear about what I don't want). She suggested that I think about the FUNDAMENTAL things that are important to me in a relationship...AND really evaluate if I truly want a relationship, and if I determine that I am ready for and want a relationship define what that would look like. THEN... see how this (or any other person) lines up with those FUNDAMENTAL things and trust that some of the other things will fall into place....
sgold04
Well-Known Member
Wowzers!He waited a few days to start the shenanigans.
His first text after I said it wasn't going to work was: 'Can you tell me why." Then he called twice and I texted back that I can't talk, because I need to go to bed and get up early. Maybe we can have this conversation tomorrow.
He calls 3 more times between 11 and 130 am, then texted: " You have things I don't like, but I was willing to give you a chance. BW are absolutely impossible to please, don't know why I bother."
Final Text at 830 the next morning: 'When asked in the future about why you're single....you should say because I'm a clueless black B who doesn't know a good man when I see it. I'll be sure to invite you to my wedding which will definitely be before you're asked"
This reminds me of a friend who was dating a guy she wasn’t feeling. She said he was “too nice” but felt bad for dropping a “nice guy” so she dated him for a few months. She accidentally left her phone at home when she went to work. When she got home she had a bizillion missed calls and texts from him. It started off with “where are you?” and ended with him calling her all types of Bs and heauxs AND calling all the women in her family, by name, Bs and heauxs
She replied “I left my phone at home” and he started apologizing profusely. She blocked him. He showed up at her condo. She had to call security on him.
I feel triggered just re-telling her story. Sheesh
ArrrBeee
Well-Known Member
Rori Raye says that each date you go on can teach you something about yourself because dating is like free therapy. Red flags are bolded below.
I talked enough on date 1 to get him to open up while I carefully listened for flags. Heard some whispers of insecurities and that reminded me of my ex-husband. So then I racked my brain to remember what attracted me to my ex and looked for those signs. He also did a lot of name dropping and bragging about his job.
I'm working on listening to my intuition, so I agreed to another date.
On date number 2, he told me a lot about his childhood, some abandonment issues (oversharing), and asked me why my marriage ended ( it wasn't any of his business and none of my dates need to know that it was abusive.)It was way too soon for all of that. He then tried to get me to share and I just said something random. What he tried to do was build false intimacy and I wasn't here for it. Been there, done that.
Two days later, I went on a date with a different guy. The conversation flowed freely, he made me laugh, and we had a great time. He doesn't have the qualities that I'm looking for in my future husband (he wants kids and we have differing views on religion) but it gave me an idea of how I want to feel.
@TinyBlu
I agree with your friend. You need to be crystal clear about what you want so that your desires won't be swayed by the opinions of others. Make a list of must haves, deal breakers, and nice to haves. If you want kids, envision what qualities you want their future daddy to have. Leave no hypothetical stone unturned.
I talked enough on date 1 to get him to open up while I carefully listened for flags. Heard some whispers of insecurities and that reminded me of my ex-husband. So then I racked my brain to remember what attracted me to my ex and looked for those signs. He also did a lot of name dropping and bragging about his job.
I'm working on listening to my intuition, so I agreed to another date.
On date number 2, he told me a lot about his childhood, some abandonment issues (oversharing), and asked me why my marriage ended ( it wasn't any of his business and none of my dates need to know that it was abusive.)It was way too soon for all of that. He then tried to get me to share and I just said something random. What he tried to do was build false intimacy and I wasn't here for it. Been there, done that.
Two days later, I went on a date with a different guy. The conversation flowed freely, he made me laugh, and we had a great time. He doesn't have the qualities that I'm looking for in my future husband (he wants kids and we have differing views on religion) but it gave me an idea of how I want to feel.
@TinyBlu
I agree with your friend. You need to be crystal clear about what you want so that your desires won't be swayed by the opinions of others. Make a list of must haves, deal breakers, and nice to haves. If you want kids, envision what qualities you want their future daddy to have. Leave no hypothetical stone unturned.
awhyley
Well-Known Member
He waited a few days to start the shenanigans.
His first text after I said it wasn't going to work was: 'Can you tell me why." Then he called twice and I texted back that I can't talk, because I need to go to bed and get up early. Maybe we can have this conversation tomorrow.
He calls 3 more times between 11 and 130 am, then texted: " You have things I don't like, but I was willing to give you a chance. BW are absolutely impossible to please, don't know why I bother."
Final Text at 830 the next morning: 'When asked in the future about why you're single....you should say because I'm a clueless black B who doesn't know a good man when I see it. I'll be sure to invite you to my wedding which will definitely be before you're asked"
Dang! A mitch in the flesh. Thanks goodness you threw that one back.
Giving Curtis #50cent vibes for certain.
awhyley
Well-Known Member
awhyley
Well-Known Member
I'm really hoping that someone who is married to an introvert comes in here and answers this question, because I'm interested as well. He might need more time to warm up to you, but again, if you're not feeling it, pass.
PhonyBaloney500
Well-Known Member
He waited a few days to start the shenanigans.
His first text after I said it wasn't going to work was: 'Can you tell me why." Then he called twice and I texted back that I can't talk, because I need to go to bed and get up early. Maybe we can have this conversation tomorrow.
He calls 3 more times between 11 and 130 am, then texted: " You have things I don't like, but I was willing to give you a chance. BW are absolutely impossible to please, don't know why I bother."
Final Text at 830 the next morning: 'When asked in the future about why you're single....you should say because I'm a clueless black B who doesn't know a good man when I see it. I'll be sure to invite you to my wedding which will definitely be before you're asked"
He mad, huh?
Evolving78
Well-Known Member
Exactly! If a man keeps a woman around, it’s pretty much to waste her time and use her. Life is short and women just don’t put enough value on it.
ChasingBliss
Well-Known Member
Exactly and when they are pushing men like that they are usually coming from an angle of finding woman to take care of them now that they are winding down... it's all about these men in this patriarchal society. So tired of the bs.
ChasingBliss
Well-Known Member
BULLET MATRIX STYLE DODGED!He waited a few days to start the shenanigans.
His first text after I said it wasn't going to work was: 'Can you tell me why." Then he called twice and I texted back that I can't talk, because I need to go to bed and get up early. Maybe we can have this conversation tomorrow.
He calls 3 more times between 11 and 130 am, then texted: " You have things I don't like, but I was willing to give you a chance. BW are absolutely impossible to please, don't know why I bother."
Final Text at 830 the next morning: 'When asked in the future about why you're single....you should say because I'm a clueless black B who doesn't know a good man when I see it. I'll be sure to invite you to my wedding which will definitely be before you're asked"
GraceJones
Well-Known Member
A full grown man sent you those texts?He waited a few days to start the shenanigans.
His first text after I said it wasn't going to work was: 'Can you tell me why." Then he called twice and I texted back that I can't talk, because I need to go to bed and get up early. Maybe we can have this conversation tomorrow.
He calls 3 more times between 11 and 130 am, then texted: " You have things I don't like, but I was willing to give you a chance. BW are absolutely impossible to please, don't know why I bother."
Final Text at 830 the next morning: 'When asked in the future about why you're single....you should say because I'm a clueless black B who doesn't know a good man when I see it. I'll be sure to invite you to my wedding which will definitely be before you're asked"
How old is he? In his 20s?
LivingInPeace
Well-Known Member
I’m an introvert married to an introvert. Being an introvert doesn’t mean you can’t make conversation. We were introduced through a mutual friend. The first time he called me we had a great conversation. He made me laugh and I couldn’t wait to meet him. On our first date the conversation flowed and I realized we had the same sense of humor. There was no doubt in my mind that I wanted to see him again.
intellectualuva
Well-Known Member
41. Midlevel Engineering professional. 5'10. Master's degree. Chunky (but I like that.
). Chocolate with a dimple in his left cheek.......and mean as a snake.
GraceJones
Well-Known Member
I know men like this unfortunately. Especially those who don't have kids and have never been married. There is usually a reason for that...41. Midlevel Engineering professional. 5'10. Master's degree. Chunky (but I like that.
......and mean as a snake.
Some of these men didn't have much luck with girls and women when they were in high school and college. Now they want to take it out on folks in their adulthood.
TinyBlu
Well-Known Member
Well... I decided to stop PUSHING BACK so much with this guy (I have to admit I was picking him apart mentally. I'm GREAT at fault finding) and it seems that our conversation has somewhat flowed a bit better since I stopped being so defensive. I tend to treat ALL men as if they have an agenda since I had my experience with a Narcissist two years ago.
He's still a bit more quiet than I'm used to (which is odd, because I'm an introvert myself). I like MEANINGFUL conversations, and it seems that we're still a bit on the surface. I feel like I'm "carrying" the conversation, but I don't think a second date will hurt. I'm meeting him for dinner and drinks tomorrow.
It is my hope that in a more laid back environment (with me not being QUITE so defensive) with less of a time constraint (I purposely agreed to lunch for our first outing so I wouldn't have to stick around for a long time... and it was during the day) he'll open up a bit more.
He is VERY intelligent (which has always been a turn on for me), and he SEEMS to be nice. Well, he says nice things. You know he's still getting the side eye. The Narc really messed it up for the good guys. Now anytime a man says nice things I'm thinking (UMMMMMM HMMMMM... )
TinyBlu
Well-Known Member
WOW... this eerily resembles some of the same things that happened in my last situation with the Narc (too bad I didn't listen to that voice in the back of my head).
In my situation, this guy didn't even wait until the second date to overshare. This was during our first phone conversation
. He had been wounded / mistreated by EVERYONE (family, ex wives, children, etc.) At the time, I hadn't resolved a lot of my OWN issues so I (mistakenly) thought it was "refreshing" to have a man open up and be so vulnerable (translation: crazy).To make matters worse, I started pouring out my soul as well, and it only took weeks for this guy to take everything I told him and turn it around on me (name calling, belittling...the worst).
That was the second time I'd fallen for that type of guy, so after that, I "did the work". I started going to CODA meetings and working on myself, and now I am so GRATEFUL for the experience because I now know what to look for and what NOT to do.
...my only fear now is that I'm skeptical of EVERY man and I think I may be a little TOO defensive.
...so we'll see about this guy. A second date can't hurt. If there's still no real connection, then I'll keep it moving).
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