Married Ladies Random Thoughts

IslandMummy said:
Now I'm back to house hunting full time so we can get on the by November. Hoping to have another $15k saved by then and also we are trying to open ourselves to the possibility of moving to a lower cost area. As much as we love where we live, buying a $600k home that's really only worth half of that makes no financial sense.
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From what I've read we're in a bubble with prices so high.

Happy anniversary lady.
 
Married Ladies,

I need your advice and honest opinion on an issue I am having with my DH. For Christmas, I wanted to have my body contoured. I have held up pretty well but I would LOVE to smooth out and lift some areas. Nothing major at all. I am paying for it myself but after some thought, I wasn't sure if I wanted to spend so much money at one time and decided to ask my DH for half and I would pay him back. DH was like "HELL NO". He doesn't want me to have the procedure because he thinks it looks "weird". I am getting ready for work at the time of the conversation so regardless of how pissed I am, I have to table it for later.

I'm at work, all day, stewing. Did this dude just say I would look weird?!! OK!! In my mind, I would get the procedure and, after some healing, he would be salivating and darn near in stalker mode (more than he already is). Not my DH - he thinks it's weird. I return home after work, still pissed but couldn't discuss it at that moment because all I could say was really mean things and curse words so I cooked dinner with the hopes that those moments to myself would allow me to calm down. It did.........but not for long. After dinner I asked him about it and all he could say was that he thinks it looks weird when he sees it on other women. That's a lie! How do you know whose had it (besides celebs and they don't count IMO) and as much exercise as his eyes get, he can't possibly think it's too weird looking. Long story short he throws in, "Well if you respected your husbands wishes, you wouldn't get it." Pissed times 10! I do not say anything further because I would regret most of it later and decided to go to bed for the night........PISSED.

My question - does he have a point about "respecting his wishes" or is it malarkey and I should move forward with the procedure?
 
@Bad&Bougee think you are taking this the wrong way. You know your husband better than anyone on here but I see this as a man's non tactful way of saying "you're enough". He didnt insult you he downed a cosmetic procedure that isn't necessary. My husband says ugh when he sees women when he can tell has had work done too. I love your posts on here and the wisdom I have seen in other posts but I side with you hubby on this one. It would be one thing if he said a natural attribute was weird but in this case you're enough and he knows it. He can see any chick on the street with plastic surgery and most of the time the difference is noticeable for someone to tell, but has the home grown version of what he chose at the house. Seems like he prefers that natural you than any version you could pay for. Or even if he is okay with some cosmetic stuff he doesn't want a procedure that would change the attributes he is in love with "as is". All of you is his prize even areas you consider flaws
 
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Lylddlebit said:
@Bad&Bougee think you are taking this the wrong way. You know your husband better than anyone on here but I see this as a man's non tactful way of saying "you're enough". He didnt insult you he downed a cosmetic procedure that isn't necessary. My husband say ugh when he sees women when he can tell has had work done too. I love your posts on here and the wisdom I have seen in other posts but I side with you hubby on this one. It would be one thing if he said a natural attribute was weird but in this case your enough and he knows it. He can see any chick on the street with plastic surgery, but has the home grown version at the house. Seems like he prefers that natural you than any version you could pay for.
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@Lylddlebit, thank you for your response. What you said is true and thought provoking and one of your points actually crossed my mind yesterday - maybe is he pleased with the way I look. However, that is not what he said and my husband is definitely one who says how he feels. He never said he is happy with how I look or he likes me the way that I am or that it is unnecessary. I wasn't looking for a compliment from him but he had plenty of opportunity to voice that if that is how he feels.

Some do too much with their procedures but I hope he would trust me enough to know that I am not trying to come home looking like Niki Minaj. To me, that is not cute or ideal. They can have some of this extra that I have and lift some areas that are frowning. That's it. I love coming home and he starts pawing on me the minute I walk in. We are creeping up on 25 years, we are both in our 40's and I want to keep it spicy between us. The procedure, I thought, would definitely add another layer of Texas Pete on our marriage. IDK, I'm usually pretty level headed but this hit my ear wrong and I think there is more to the story than "It's weird". I'm going to leave it alone, try to calm down a little bit more, and then pray for clarity.

Thank you for your words of wisdom.
 
Miss617 said:
@Bad&Bougee Even though you say it wouldn't be anything drastic, there is always a risk with any kind of surgery. I don't think you should resort to changing yourself to keep things "spicy." Especially if your husband is against it.
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You are right @Miss617. I cannot go against his wishes, regardless of how I feel. I would be ticked if he did something he knew I was clearly against. In the end, it doesn't really matter why. He said no and I have to respect that.

It is amazing. Chatting with you ladies have put me in a calm space.
 
Bad&Bougee said:
You are right @Miss617. I cannot go against his wishes, regardless of how I feel. I would be ticked if he did something he knew I was clearly against. In the end, it doesn't really matter why. He said no and I have to respect that.

It is amazing. Chatting with you ladies have put me in a calm space.
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That's what we're here for! :bighug:Now I think you owe hubby an apology.:bdance:
 
Bad&Bougee said:
@Miss617 I will definitely apologize for overreacting. And for making as much noise as possible as he lay asleep while I got ready for work for this morning. And for trying to fix a marriage that doesn't even need fixing.
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Lol! My husband hates anything fake. I told him that I wanted to get breast implants and he told me that he doesn't want me adding anything or taking anything away. I still think about it because I'm a struggle B cup. But I know he doesn't like the idea so I won't bother. I understand wanting to make changes but sometimes you have to consider your husband's feelings.
 
Well I went through a whole transformation. I'm really trying. Trying to be more feminine, motherly, submissive, and happier. I'm all honesty it's working. We're in a better place. However I feel whenever I go to my parents' house I take steps back. I had a talk with my sister. She told me don't run from my parents because it doesn't work. (She moved States away to get away). And she doesn't want the same for me. But I think it's necessary. I'm so use for to arguing. Following the Ro Elori Cutno lifestyle she urges women to refrain from being right all of the time and arguing.

I went to the parents house yesterday. They condemned me and told me a few months back that if I didn't stay with my husband no one else would want me. But then when I make the decision to stay I was hit with...That's why your husband doesn't even like you. I can never win. That caused me to argue back and then get upset and go home to argue at the house with DH. I've had it.

DH and I haven't argued in over a month! So I'm going to definitely stay away from the parents. I'm going to continue to work on my marriage.
 
I stopped trying to make my husband do housework. He is now only responsible for the outside stuff and I am only responsible for the inside stuff. I did an evaluation and it was too much: why do I have to do all of these chores alone when I go to work just like you go to work. You are lazy and haven't been taught anything by your mother. And it's actually quite true. He is aloof when it comes to chores because his parents didn't make him do ANYTHING but he can handle taking trash out, mowing the lawn, and paying all of the bills.

I hated my job everyday so I made the decision to quit and be a stay at home mom. I am very afraid of this decision. So I'm also working on my passive income as we speak. I invested in myself and bought two small rental houses. I plan on renting them both out for $500 a month. I already had one rental so hopefully I can get $1500 out of them. If so I wouldn't be so far off from my income that was originally coming in. I'm also homeschooling children Mondays and Fridays for some spending money. But I like the idea you all said about asking DH to deposit so much into an account for my spending. I may try that!
 
PrissiSippi said:
Well I went through a whole transformation. I'm really trying. Trying to be more feminine, motherly, submissive, and happier. I'm all honesty it's working. We're in a better place. However I feel whenever I go to my parents' house I take steps back. I had a talk with my sister. She told me don't run from my parents because it doesn't work. (She moved States away to get away). And she doesn't want the same for me. But I think it's necessary. I'm so use for to arguing. Following the Ro Elori Cutno lifestyle she urges women to refrain from being right all of the time and arguing.

I went to the parents house yesterday. They condemned me and told me a few months back that if I didn't stay with my husband no one else would want me. But then when I make the decision to stay I was hit with...That's why your husband doesn't even like you. I can never win. That caused me to argue back and then get upset and go home to argue at the house with DH. I've had it.

DH and I haven't argued in over a month! So I'm going to definitely stay away from the parents. I'm going to continue to work on my marriage.
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You gotta let toxic things/situations/people go. Even if it's your family.
I'm so sorry your fam is so abusive.
 
We were out with an older couple and the guy was talking about how he was amazed that one guy's wife had quit working and they only have one child. I was like shooooots if I have one and decide that's what I wanna do, Ima do it.
And I was thinking this guy is so hypocritical, he is "old-fashioned" and thinks women should play a certain role in the household but also thinks a woman should work. You can't have it both ways.
Then I was thinking dh needs to put a lil space between himself and this guy :look:
But then I start to think this guy is all mouth cuz he gives his wife a nice "allowance" in her private account.
 
Bad&Bougee said:
...
My question - does he have a point about "respecting his wishes" or is it malarkey and I should move forward with the procedure?
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But shouldn't your wishes be respected as well? You two haven't had much of a conversation about the matter yet. I would table the discussion for now but if I really wanted the procedure I wouldn't just drop it. I also find it odd that the procedure is called weird after you asked him to help you pay for it. I'm honestly not seeing all of this you are enough in what he said. He did not speak to you very kindly. I'm not saying you should just do it, but an adult conversation should be had IMO.
 
Farida said:
@Bad&Bougee my DH hates fake stuff. He even hates when I wear make up. He looks at me with such horror. Lol.

I only wear make up for special occasions and usually if I am going somewhere without him.

I am not a big make up person so it works.
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Your DH might be on to something. I'm finding that a lot of men do not like for their significant others to wear makeup. I think they've seen so many women with makeup plastered across their face that it is a turn off. I know very few women that wear anything more than gloss. Pretty interesting.......
 
hopeful said:
But shouldn't your wishes be respected as well? You two haven't had much of a conversation about the matter yet. I would table the discussion for now but if I really wanted the procedure I wouldn't just drop it. I also find it odd that the procedure is called weird after you asked him to help you pay for it. I'm honestly not seeing all of this you are enough in what he said. He did not speak to you very kindly. I'm not saying you should just do it, but an adult conversation should be had IMO.
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@hopeful I don't think money is the issue. I think me asking him to help me made him realize that I am serious. I've twisted it over in my head and just can't understand why he has taken this stance. There has to be more to it than this and that's what is bothering me. Don't just say it's weird, I want him to be honest and really tell me why he is against it. We don't argue about too many things but apparently, this has struck a nerve in both of us.
 
CafedeBelleza said:
We were out with an older couple and the guy was talking about how he was amazed that one guy's wife had quit working and they only have one child. I was like shooooots if I have one and decide that's what I wanna do, Ima do it.
And I was thinking this guy is so hypocritical, he is "old-fashioned" and thinks women should play a certain role in the household but also thinks a woman should work. You can't have it both ways.
Then I was thinking dh needs to put a lil space between himself and this guy :look:
But then I start to think this guy is all mouth cuz he gives his wife a nice "allowance" in her private account.
Click to expand...

my parents' house I take steps back. I had a talk with my sister. She told me don't run from my parents because it doesn't work. (She moved States away to get away). And she doesn't want the same for me. But I think it's necessary. I'm so use for to arguing. Following the Ro Elori Cutno lifestyle she urges women to refrain from being right all of the time and arguing.

I went to the parents house yesterday. They condemned me and told me a few months back that if I didn't stay with my husband no one else would want me. But then when I make the decision to stay I was hit with...That's why your husband doesn't even like you. I can never win. That caused me to argue back and then get upset and go home to argue at the house with DH. I've had it.

DH and I haven't argued in over a month! So I'm going to definitely stay away from the parents. I'm going to continue to work on my marriage.[/QUOTE]

Sometimes family is the worst. That it is why it is so important to find other support systems, sources of positivity and nurture. We can't help who our family is but we can certainly help who we let into our lives. It's good to see that you and DH have been doing well, please don't let anyone ruin that.
 
How do you handle negative comments, even when stated as jokes, from fam members. A close inlaw made a joke about coming to dh "next wedding". Been a minute but I ain't over that crap. It was repeated to me, not stated in my presence. I'm obviously not the one and would've hit back fatality style. But I just can't find it in myself to let that go. :spinning:
Should I, or am I justified?
 
Bad&Bougee said:
Married Ladies,

I need your advice and honest opinion on an issue I am having with my DH. For Christmas, I wanted to have my body contoured. I have held up pretty well but I would LOVE to smooth out and lift some areas. Nothing major at all. I am paying for it myself but after some thought, I wasn't sure if I wanted to spend so much money at one time and decided to ask my DH for half and I would pay him back. DH was like "HELL NO". He doesn't want me to have the procedure because he thinks it looks "weird". I am getting ready for work at the time of the conversation so regardless of how pissed I am, I have to table it for later.

I'm at work, all day, stewing. Did this dude just say I would look weird?!! OK!! In my mind, I would get the procedure and, after some healing, he would be salivating and darn near in stalker mode (more than he already is). Not my DH - he thinks it's weird. I return home after work, still pissed but couldn't discuss it at that moment because all I could say was really mean things and curse words so I cooked dinner with the hopes that those moments to myself would allow me to calm down. It did.........but not for long. After dinner I asked him about it and all he could say was that he thinks it looks weird when he sees it on other women. That's a lie! How do you know whose had it (besides celebs and they don't count IMO) and as much exercise as his eyes get, he can't possibly think it's too weird looking. Long story short he throws in, "Well if you respected your husbands wishes, you wouldn't get it." Pissed times 10! I do not say anything further because I would regret most of it later and decided to go to bed for the night........PISSED.

My question - does he have a point about "respecting his wishes" or is it malarkey and I should move forward with the procedure?
Click to expand...
If I don't feel good about myself it doesn't matter what dh says.
He says all the time "your face looks fine, you don't need makeup" but I want it so I'm finna put it on. I'd look like a teen without it.
 
CafedeBelleza said:
How do you handle negative comments, even when stated as jokes, from fam members. A close inlaw made a joke about coming to dh "next wedding". Been a minute but I ain't over that crap. It was repeated to me, not stated in my presence. I'm obviously not the one and would've hit back fatality style. But I just can't find it in myself to let that go. :spinning:
Should I, or am I justified?
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Nah they weren't joking. I hold grudges though, so maybe I'm not the best person to answer this one.
 
FoxxyLocs said:
Nah they weren't joking. I hold grudges though, so maybe I'm not the best person to answer this one.
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Maybe we can sit at the petty table together on this one.
I've been to this persons city of residence a few times and I just cannot bother to visit. Is you praying on a guh downfall? Wassup???
Ain't the first time, I already was a lil rubbed when this person complained about how long I take to get ready. Is u mad or nah?
 
CafedeBelleza said:
How do you handle negative comments, even when stated as jokes, from fam members. A close inlaw made a joke about coming to dh "next wedding". Been a minute but I ain't over that crap. It was repeated to me, not stated in my presence. I'm obviously not the one and would've hit back fatality style. But I just can't find it in myself to let that go. :spinning:
Should I, or am I justified?
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I compare my reality with proof to their reality then they return to their lane. Jealousy is toxic and I don't dilute my life to make others comfortable anymore. If it's some random hating... meh, who cares? However family and friends where we know each other well.... I'll lay truth bare without remorse.
 
Bad&Bougee said:
@hopeful I don't think money is the issue. I think me asking him to help me made him realize that I am serious. I've twisted it over in my head and just can't understand why he has taken this stance. There has to be more to it than this and that's what is bothering me. Don't just say it's weird, I want him to be honest and really tell me why he is against it. We don't argue about too many things but apparently, this has struck a nerve in both of us.
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I TOTALLY understand because DH and I don't argue much either. However, if something is still bothering you, you owe it to both of you to find the right time and words to express yourself. And, instead of asking yourself why he felt/reacted the way he did, ask him.
 
CafedeBelleza said:
How do you handle negative comments, even when stated as jokes, from fam members. A close inlaw made a joke about coming to dh "next wedding". Been a minute but I ain't over that crap. It was repeated to me, not stated in my presence. I'm obviously not the one and would've hit back fatality style. But I just can't find it in myself to let that go. :spinning:
Should I, or am I justified?
Click to expand...

I always ask people who I am unfamiliar with or unfriendly with, "What do you mean by that?" or "What is that supposed to mean?" For me, that let's them understand that, 1. I heard your little snide comment, 2. I don't appreciate it and 3. I'm going to check you everytime you come out of your mouth disrespectfully. If I don't disrespect you, you are definitely not going to disrespect me. This is exactly how I deal with my brother in law. I do not think he is funny, I DO NOT like him and my interactions with him has shown him how I expect to be treated and spoken to. He's much better and definitely watches what he says to me.

I think you are justified by addressing it. Keep the air clear.
 
MD_Lady said:
I TOTALLY understand because DH and I don't argue much either. However, if something is still bothering you, you owe it to both of you to find the right time and words to express yourself. And, instead of asking yourself why he felt/reacted the way he did, ask him.
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I agree and that is what I plan to do because for some reason I cannot let this go. I don't know when I'm going to ask him though because I am still too angry (due to a conversation we had since my original post).
 
Bad&Bougee said:
I always ask people who I am unfamiliar with or unfriendly with, "What do you mean by that?" or "What is that supposed to mean?" For me, that let's them understand that, 1. I heard your little snide comment, 2. I don't appreciate it and 3. I'm going to check you everytime you come out of your mouth disrespectfully. If I don't disrespect you, you are definitely not going to disrespect me. This is exactly how I deal with my brother in law. I do not think he is funny, I DO NOT like him and my interactions with him has shown him how I expect to be treated and spoken to. He's much better and definitely watches what he says to me.

I think you are justified by addressing it. Keep the air clear.
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I haven't seen this person since this was said. I'm not sure how I'll behave. Other than shady
 
Bad&Bougee said:
Married Ladies,

I need your advice and honest opinion on an issue I am having with my DH. For Christmas, I wanted to have my body contoured. I have held up pretty well but I would LOVE to smooth out and lift some areas. Nothing major at all. I am paying for it myself but after some thought, I wasn't sure if I wanted to spend so much money at one time and decided to ask my DH for half and I would pay him back. DH was like "HELL NO". He doesn't want me to have the procedure because he thinks it looks "weird". I am getting ready for work at the time of the conversation so regardless of how pissed I am, I have to table it for later.

I'm at work, all day, stewing. Did this dude just say I would look weird?!! OK!! In my mind, I would get the procedure and, after some healing, he would be salivating and darn near in stalker mode (more than he already is). Not my DH - he thinks it's weird. I return home after work, still pissed but couldn't discuss it at that moment because all I could say was really mean things and curse words so I cooked dinner with the hopes that those moments to myself would allow me to calm down. It did.........but not for long. After dinner I asked him about it and all he could say was that he thinks it looks weird when he sees it on other women. That's a lie! How do you know whose had it (besides celebs and they don't count IMO) and as much exercise as his eyes get, he can't possibly think it's too weird looking. Long story short he throws in, "Well if you respected your husbands wishes, you wouldn't get it." Pissed times 10! I do not say anything further because I would regret most of it later and decided to go to bed for the night........PISSED.

My question - does he have a point about "respecting his wishes" or is it malarkey and I should move forward with the procedure?
Click to expand...

I'll start by saying that I have only been married for 3 years, so I realise that the context is different and I know I'm at a different stage in my marriage.

What stood out to me with your post is your DH vetoing your suggestion, without discussion. I honestly don't get his argument that it looks "weird". My DH would have to explain himself a lot better than that, if he wants to dissuade me from something he'd better have an excellent justification to sway me. This whole respecting your husband's wishes... If his wishes are proper, considered, opinions based on fact and judgement then he should be able to provide them in order to dissuade you. The lack of explanation, and the prompt move to shutting you down feels patronising and frankly leaves him rather hypocritical for mentioning "respect". If you are to respect his wishes, what about your wishes? You brought him something that would make you feel happy - and honestly believed it would do the same for him, yet he should be able to drop a curtain on it without even considering how that affects you?

It feels like he pulled rank, that you must obey as he is your "superior", and that doesn't sit well with me.

To answer your question, if this is something that will make you happy, you can afford it and you're using a safe and proven professional, you should go ahead. His wishes should be considered, but frankly his argument needs to be more robust, the thought of it making him feel uncomfortable shouldn't overrule your genuine, researched, desire.
 
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