Married Ladies Random Thoughts

Bad&Bougee said:
No that is the truth! People do have that impression of marriage and I am not sure how they arrived at that conclusion. Sometimes marriage is roses and butterflies but that is not the norm. Now there are people who exaggerate how splendid their marriage is but I am always leery of those people because when you left back all that splendor there is usually something ugly hiding beneath. Marriage is never all anything. As you stated, there are ups and downs but nothing that can't be overcome with communication and honesty - usually. As @Sky mentioned, all those bumps in the road make you appreciate your marriage and spouse that much more. I promise you, all the things my husband and I went through definitely made me a better wife and more appreciative of my husband. And I can tell by his actions that the same is true for him.

True story. I know a couple who has been married a little over a year and the wife up and left her husband and two kids because she wasn't happy. Happy meaning getting to do what she wants to do when she wants to do it and having the financial ability to go and come as she pleases. WHAT?! That's a prime example of how people go into marriage with a false perception and if you enter into a marriage only concerned about YOUR happiness and well-being then I guess the end result is leaving your husband and 2 children behind. That situation really bothers me because she is selfish, immature, short sighted and did not give her family a chance. We can't expect happiness every day. We shouldn't want to run the streets every weekend while we have a husband and children at home. Marriage is not about the individual and unfortunately, that is how many marriages end. It's sad. I want to call her but I need to calm down first and then pray and ask the Lord to give me the words...........
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Sad...because it doesn't seem as if she was happy with herself and made him responsible for her happiness! People will always be disappointed when they make others responsible for their happiness. I think you have to choose to be happy!
 
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syze6 said:
I love the realness of this thread because people get the wrong impression of marriage. They think it's roses all the time and butterflies. There are ups and downs with this togetherness while still navigating the ups and downs as being an individual.
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So true!!! I know that some of us here do not believe in God but as a Christian, I must say that marriage keeps me on my knees in prayer.
 
I have to credit my parents for giving me a healthy and realistic view of marriage. They had their ups and downs and as a child with strong discernment I could sense when they were going through a rough patch. There was a period of time when they fought a lot and I specifically remember that once I hit high school they didn't seem to argue as much as they had in previous years. One night I overheard my father tell my mother not to argue in front of me and my brother. His exact words were, "It hurts them more than anything." It was then that I noticed that the way they argued had changed. They seemed to communicate more effectively. I'm sure there are more pieces to the puzzle that totally went over my head because I was a child, but it did have an impact on me because I was able to see that while marriage can be beautiful there are ebbs and flows and you have to make an effort to work through those moments.

Having said all that, I didn't go into marriage thinking that everything would be roses, but I did underestimate how rough those rough moments could be. The first few years of our marriage there were times when I wondered if I'd made a mistake. I'd pray and ask God if I'd misheard him and He would reassure me that I hadn't misheard him. On my part, I had to learn to be patient and forgiving. I had to learn to choose my battles and bite my tongue. I also had to accept that things change in a marriage. The way a couple does things during the first few years of marriage doesn't mean they will do things the same way as years go on. I've had to learn to be flexible and embrace the changes that come with life. We don't travel as much as we use to because we have kids. Date nights aren't as frequent. There isn't much time to be spontaneous. Surprise gifts don't happen like they use to because a lot of our energy is put towards our kids. The upside is that we have a very strong family unit and we work well together as a team and we value the moments when we can go out on a date or when we take a few moments at the end of the day to check in with each other and see how things are going. The things that have bothered me in my marriage have gotten better over the years and the things that haven't gotten better, God has given me to the grace to deal with them in such a way that my marriage isn't impacted in a negative way and my spirit isn't broken.
 
In keeping with ebb and flow and realness in marriage. I wanted to smack fire from my hubby last night. He goes out still celebrating his b-day the night before with his friends. So he took me to the store and we got back home and I started cooking.

So he goes in the bedroom and even dozed off to sleep, so I decided to let him be. This fool gets up after being in the room a little over an hour going on about how I didn't check on him. Going on about how I didn't ask him if he needed anything, if he had eaten that day blah blah! "NIG-A-RO....I have worked 8 hours, have come home in the kitchen cooking to make sure my household eats. I thought I was being a good one, letting you sleep and how about it is NOT my fault you over celebrated and don't feel well! I am a mother of two NOT three!" Babified...drama queen! :angry2:
 
*Please do not quote*

Things have been tough and I don't think either of us has the strength to do this anymore after all these years. In listening to him- there's some deep things he blames me for... And I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I'm not able to do this anymore and I told him.

This is very overwhelming... I don't even know the next thing(s) to do. I'm thinking a separation but we need to identify a fair timeframe for actually separating (in the very near future)... Idk.

We have two teens, one graduates very soon. This has been sadly stressful for them. I NEVER wanted that, for our discord to even ever reach the kids!

I can't believe this is real.
 
I am realizing that DH just doesn't cut it for me anymore.
He's stuck in the same rut and doesn't see the point in evolving or growing out of his comfort zone. He insists on comparing himself to his mediocre friends or family in-laws to glorify the little bit that he does, like so and so does not have a husband who cleans up her car early in the morning, does not have a husband who can cook, :blah:
What he fails to realize is that I literally do not care about other people's lives!
He's a baby peacock among roosters so of course he feels special but put him in the middle of real peacocks, then he feels insecure. I can't tell you how many times he said to me "you know it's not too late for you to find the man of your dreams. But I can guarantee you that you will never find a man like me." :huh:
His family always makes him sound like the best man around because "he is so helpful and he does so much for the family" :rolleyes: but MY butt still not getting what a wife needs. They celebrate him and don't question his mediocrity. I'm the only one who encourages him to fulfill his potential and that's frankly tiring.
I don't want to go into details but reading a certain thread has made me realize that he sees me as a partner rather than the wife he needs to provide for. Case in point: one of HIS high school friends is having a baby shower next week so I ask him if he's going to help me buy her a present but he tells me not to spend too much and is literally making sure we're equally spending the same amount. Why? Because he's spending next weekend in NYC with his boys and he "will need some change" for himself. Y'all, I don't know what's happening to me but I've become numb or something because I didn't blow up on that selfish statement. And did I mention that I'm not really close to said friend?
I need him to do better but I cannot express how I feel without him shutting down and feeling like he's a prize to behold.
I model what I expect from him but it's not hitting home. I'm just fed up.
 
Dee-Licious said:
@MrsMe seems like this selfishness is not you

Have you tried discussing it with him or therapy?

If that didn't/doesn't work, decide if you want to be with a selfish man for the rest of your life.
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I have tried in the past and he made vague plans or would make me sound materialistic or too demanding. Hence the "I dare you to find another man like me" type of response.

sunnieb said:
@MrsMe I'm sorry you're going through this!

How long have you been married? Do you have any children?
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Been married 4 1/2 years, we have 1 child.
 
@MrsMe I'm not good at advice for this type of stuff.......BUT (:look:) WTF is wrong with him???

It really irks me when one partner has the 'you won't find anybody better than me' attitude. Say what now? :confused:

Why is he trying to make you feel insecure in the relationship? His job is to make you feel loved and wanted.

It could be a problem that so many around him accepted his mediocrity as some type of gold standard of living.

How is he acting today? Is it a phase he's going through? I'm ticked for you. We have enough to deal with as wives and mothers and when our husbands act TF up, I just........UGH! :mad:
 
ChasingBliss said:
Sitting in the bedroom by the window, with laptop and a great cup of fresh brewed coffee...everything is perfect except the sound of his snoring. Good grief who snores like this at 11:30am? Let me get my behind out of this bedroom. ...which is what sleeping and snoring is for I guess.
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I'm sorry, but this is so funny to me.:lachen:

When I told my DH that he was snoring loudly and he didn't believe me, I used my phone to record him as proof:droolingsleep:...he found that to be extremely funny!
 
So grateful for all of the wise married folks in our lives right now. Got to talk to a couple who'd been married for 49 years today. Yes 49. He supported her pursuing her childhood dream- just a good story of what a husband should be for a wife.
Good example (for Christian folk) or how husband should love wife as Jesus loved the church. If your dh has high expectations for you as helpmate but is not treating you like Jesus treated the church he on some more ish.
 
MrsMe said:
I am realizing that DH just doesn't cut it for me anymore.
He's stuck in the same rut and doesn't see the point in evolving or growing out of his comfort zone. He insists on comparing himself to his mediocre friends or family in-laws to glorify the little bit that he does, like so and so does not have a husband who cleans up her car early in the morning, does not have a husband who can cook, :blah:
What he fails to realize is that I literally do not care about other people's lives!
He's a baby peacock among roosters so of course he feels special but put him in the middle of real peacocks, then he feels insecure. I can't tell you how many times he said to me "you know it's not too late for you to find the man of your dreams. But I can guarantee you that you will never find a man like me." :huh:
His family always makes him sound like the best man around because "he is so helpful and he does so much for the family" :rolleyes: but MY butt still not getting what a wife needs. They celebrate him and don't question his mediocrity. I'm the only one who encourages him to fulfill his potential and that's frankly tiring.
I don't want to go into details but reading a certain thread has made me realize that he sees me as a partner rather than the wife he needs to provide for. Case in point: one of HIS high school friends is having a baby shower next week so I ask him if he's going to help me buy her a present but he tells me not to spend too much and is literally making sure we're equally spending the same amount. Why? Because he's spending next weekend in NYC with his boys and he "will need some change" for himself. Y'all, I don't know what's happening to me but I've become numb or something because I didn't blow up on that selfish statement. And did I mention that I'm not really close to said friend?
I need him to do better but I cannot express how I feel without him shutting down and feeling like he's a prize to behold.
I model what I expect from him but it's not hitting home. I'm just fed up.
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Move in silence. Speak with your actions not your words. I like the boundaries for marriage book by Townsend and Cloud. They talking about setting consequences and setting boundaries. For a long time I thought words and saying what I want and what i don't like was a consequence. It's not. They speak on this in the book. For some people words mean something. For others all they hear is blah blah blickety blah. They also stress that consequences are NOT to manipulate or promote anger but to help your own sanity and to not enable others from experiencing the consequences of their own behavior. I think the way your husband is acting is just simply immature (most men are ; not the end of the world )and the stuff he says to you is a script he runs to himself to avoid having to change and meet your needs. People who listen to other people and compare themselves are seeking approval and immature. Fine. Meet your own needs and teach him how to treat you with your actions. I talk about 75% less than I use to. Seriously like 75%. He does all the talking so I have so much more insight into the person he really is. Not all the bravado. Once he drops the ego it will be a lot smoother. Dropping the ego for a man requires a lot of trust and comfortablitliy. No it's not your job to coddle him. Unfortunately some people have to learn the hard way. It appears that is true for most of our men.
 
sunnieb said:
@MrsMe I'm not good at advice for this type of stuff.......BUT :)look:) WTF is wrong with him???

It really irks me when one partner has the 'you won't find anybody better than me' attitude. Say what now? :confused:

Why is he trying to make you feel insecure in the relationship? His job is to make you feel loved and wanted.

It could be a problem that so many around him accepted his mediocrity as some type of gold standard of living.

How is he acting today? Is it a phase he's going through? I'm ticked for you. We have enough to deal with as wives and mothers and when our husbands act TF up, I just........UGH! :mad:
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I can't tell if it's a phase but I know he wasn't like that in the past. It feels like since we've had our DD he sees me as the warrior mom more than his bride and he is more vocal with his selfish ways.

@Sky I tried not talking. He said I just seemed mad all the time. I can't win. :lachen:I have permanent BRF so it doesn't help.
I thought we were past the ego tripping by now. Ugh, marriage is so complicated and I have absolutely no couple as a good model around me.
 
So I realized sometimes it really is the little things that matter more than the "grand gestures." We went grocery shopping yesterday and I started to buy honey. DH asked me why when he's told me he can bring me honey from work. I said OK and put it back. I had also asked him a couple of days ago if he could bring me printer paper because I'd run out. Sure enough this morning, he brought both honey and printer paper. I gave him a kiss and told him thank you and that I appreciated his bringing those things. One of the things he told me before is he feels like I take the little things he does for granted. So I'm trying to work on that.
 
MrsMe said:
I can't tell if it's a phase but I know he wasn't like that in the past. It feels like since we've had our DD he sees me as the warrior mom more than his bride and he is more vocal with his selfish ways.

@Sky I tried not talking. He said I just seemed mad all the time. I can't win. :lachen:I have permanent BRF so it doesn't help.
I thought we were past the ego tripping by now. Ugh, marriage is so complicated and I have absolutely no couple as a good model around me.
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Glad you said that. Let me clarify. Not silence with an attitude. That's not what I mean. Silence with a purpose. More like prayerful meditative silence - not stank girl crossing arms silence lol. It's more like an open surrendered silence. It's an energy of peace. It's like creating the space for love and harmony and forgiveness to dwell. You're creating the "space" for what you want. I truly believe as woman he have all the power but go about it in masculine ways ( arguing , manipulation , etc) which makes men more defensive - like a man is not going to be punked by another man i.e. Masculine energy. To let their guards down we have to use our power in a different way. But I feel like we haven't been taught to do that.... but that's a whole other thread lol.
 
Sky said:
Glad you said that. Let me clarify. Not silence with an attitude. That's not what I mean. Silence with a purpose. More like prayerful meditative silence - not stank girl crossing arms silence lol. It's more like an open surrendered silence. It's an energy of peace. It's like creating the space for love and harmony and forgiveness to dwell. You're creating the "space" for what you want. I truly believe as woman he have all the power but go about it in masculine ways ( arguing , manipulation , etc) which makes men more defensive - like a man is not going to be punked by another man i.e. Masculine energy. To let their guards down we have to use our power in a different way. But I feel like we haven't been taught to do that.... but that's a whole other thread lol.
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I can attest to this. It works.
 
Sky said:
Glad you said that. Let me clarify. Not silence with an attitude. That's not what I mean. Silence with a purpose. More like prayerful meditative silence - not stank girl crossing arms silence lol. It's more like an open surrendered silence. It's an energy of peace. It's like creating the space for love and harmony and forgiveness to dwell. You're creating the "space" for what you want. I truly believe as woman he have all the power but go about it in masculine ways ( arguing , manipulation , etc) which makes men more defensive - like a man is not going to be punked by another man i.e. Masculine energy. To let their guards down we have to use our power in a different way. But I feel like we haven't been taught to do that.... but that's a whole other thread lol.
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This is so on point but I don't know how to do that yet. I don't know if I can given how impatient and controlling I am.
I don't mean to exude an attitude or even a masculine energy, I just silence myself but I lack the purpose.
 
MrsMe said:
This is so on point but I don't know how to do that yet. I don't know if I can given how impatient and controlling I am.
I don't mean to exude an attitude or even a masculine energy, I just silence myself but I lack the purpose.
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I'm impatient and controlling too - hence he reason why my marriage was a hot mess and we were at that point lol. I realized I had to change me. Not just for my marriage but just me overall. So these things now are the way I live in general. Not as some way to please my husband , although that is a byproduct. I was all out of balance. I am in a supervisory position at work and have a lot of authority in my position. I was truly a work aholic and took pride in masculine side to make money and have this long list of accomplishments. But being a wife was not even in my like top 20. Here's the Man I say I want to spend the rest of my life with , have to see each night and day, the father of my kids and I am putting way way more effort into building relationships with my employees or my boss - only to meet some bottom line that someone else has deemed as important. So all day at work I'm constantly telling people what to do , making a lot of decisions that effect people's lives , etc. now I turn that off when I come home. It's my time to allow myself to be vulnerable and be fluid when I come home. It actually makes me more at a peace and has made me a better mom and wife. I understand the sacredness of my marriage now. It all sounds I know corny, but that's how I feel now. I didn't always feel that way. I was a royal B. To change I worked on myself and worked on myself and let me add I had the RIGHT friends around me. Not those women who like " girl you so stupid my man would nevah...". It took a lot of humility on my part. A lot. I had to swallow a lot of pride. And in the end I told myself if I've given my best and it doesn't work or whatever then I've prepared myself for the next level and will still be blessed. It is very very hard. I'm not trying to act like it's easy. It's not. And I still struggle. It's not perfect. But I think one small step at a time builds momentum and when you see the changes it will be like yes this is too good to go back. I am everyday working on my spiritual and emotional self. And I like the results.
 
@Sky thank you so much for that post! I'm reading and re-reading it because there is much to learn from it. I hate feeling vulnerable but I shall work on it!
 
@Sky Your post spoke to me as well. My DH has said before that I put more effort into my job than being a wife, even though he sees that I am trying. Just last week, I signed back on because my manager asked me if I could do something for him last minute. I asked DH to watch DS for like 20 more minutes and he was mad. Not that I asked him to watch DS but that I was supposed to be signed off for the day but signed back on instead of telling my manager I would do it the next day. I guess I should work on that :-\.
 
ChasingBliss said:
Sitting in the bedroom by the window, with laptop and a great cup of fresh brewed coffee...everything is perfect except the sound of his snoring. Good grief who snores like this at 11:30am? Let me get my behind out of this bedroom. ...which is what sleeping and snoring is for I guess.
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:lachen:
 
So starting the house thing because I can no longer stand neighbors above my head. So we are going through credit scores and such and hubby has outstanding credit score. I don't know why I instantly felt some type of way about mine being lower. I have been doing good at trying to raise my credit score and that has delayed the house process. At this rate, I'm thinking of letting him apply for the mortgage with his outstanding having credit a%%, because I can not take living under neighbors any longer...I have got to go.

My neighbors both do not work and have no consideration for anyone in the building. If I hear one more loud sex session, I'll dig a hole through the ceiling and cut somebody, I have got to get the hell out of there asap! Excuse me today, I didn't sleep well because when you have neighbors that don't have to get up AND GO TO WORK, it is impossible. We both work during the week and they are constantly moving about making noise. Then when the weekend comes you can forget sleeping in or resting because the guy has his three children over, add in her nephews and they run around like gang busters. You can NEVER rest or have peace for them because they are always there. If they do leave and you get a sign of relief, they are gone no more than 15 minutes if that.

I ain't waiting around for this credit score to inch it's way up. At this point a garage looking home will do!:lachen::drunk:
 
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