Married Ladies Random Thoughts

My gut isn't telling me anything one way or another :-\ I just feel like I'm in limbo. I don't know. I was thinking about it a little bit last night and thought maybe we can just work through this. But the things that I want are things that he has told me, repeatedly, he will not do, even though they are important to me and he gets insecure that I will go looking for those things elsewhere. But he won't even try. Meanwhile, I've started helping more around the house and worked through my issues with being a stepmom, which were important to him. Where is the compromise?

Part of me feels like I should just suck it up because he really does do a lot. Any other woman would probably kill to have a husband like him. But it's not enough for me. I don't know if I'm being unrealistic in my expectations or if these are the boxes that I didn't know well enough to make sure he checked before I said yes. I've been with him since I was 18, but what did I know then? Now at 28 I look back on my naivete like, "Wow, you really did not think this through. You thought love would be enough, and it's not." I feel ungrateful and foolish and just downright confused.
 
@Miss617
I think your gut is telling you something is wrong, you just haven't put it all together yet. I would suggest you let go of thinking any other woman would be happy with him. And feeling ungrateful. Put your focus on you, what you want, and your happiness. You have mentioned multiple things that show he is passive aggressive which is a very frustrating and upsetting personality trait. And points to him not being a truly kind human being.

When you talk about being confused it makes me think about the term, FOG (Fear-Obligation-Guilt) that often keeps people stuck, unhappy, and confused. Idk but something is wrong and you deserve to be happy. And you feel better when you are away from him. I hope you figure out what's wrong. Him being much older too could mean that it was easier for him to manipulate you more than you realized too.
 
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Miss617 said:
My gut isn't telling me anything one way or another :-\ I just feel like I'm in limbo. I don't know. I was thinking about it a little bit last night and thought maybe we can just work through this. But the things that I want are things that he has told me, repeatedly, he will not do, even though they are important to me and he gets insecure that I will go looking for those things elsewhere. But he won't even try. Meanwhile, I've started helping more around the house and worked through my issues with being a stepmom, which were important to him. Where is the compromise?

Part of me feels like I should just suck it up because he really does do a lot. Any other woman would probably kill to have a husband like him. But it's not enough for me. I don't know if I'm being unrealistic in my expectations or if these are the boxes that I didn't know well enough to make sure he checked before I said yes. I've been with him since I was 18, but what did I know then? Now at 28 I look back on my naivete like, "Wow, you really did not think this through. You thought love would be enough, and it's not." I feel ungrateful and foolish and just downright confused.
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Been there. Not sure of your spirituality but I would just be still and ask for clarity. Once I started to get still , journal , pray and be silent - everything became clearer. My steps were ordered and I knew I was being divinely led. These situations can be so complex so deep introspection is definitely needed.
 
Sky said:
Been there. Not sure of your spirituality but I would just be still and ask for clarity. Once I started to get still , journal , pray and be silent - everything became clearer. My steps were ordered and I knew I was being divinely led. These situations can be so complex so deep introspection is definitely needed.
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Thanks for the suggestion. I am going to try asking for clarity and see what happens. The last time I felt like this, I literally made a pro and con list. I don't remember what I did with it, I'll have to try to find it. But I think you're right about deep introspection being needed. I think I avoid delving too deep because I'm afraid of what will come up. :-\
 
@hopeful I have never heard that term before, but it actually sounds really accurate and makes a lot of sense. Wow. You're right about something being wrong, I just can't put my finger on it. I mean, I can to an extent, but I think it's much deeper than I initially thought.
 
Miss617 said:
Thanks for the suggestion. I am going to try asking for clarity and see what happens. The last time I felt like this, I literally made a pro and con list. I don't remember what I did with it, I'll have to try to find it. But I think you're right about deep introspection being needed. I think I avoid delving too deep because I'm afraid of what will come up. :-\
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Yes! That was me. Was in denial because I was afraid of what I would come up with. Yes yes yes. And quite honestly I wasn't mentally, emotionally or physically ready to put the work in. My priority at that time was my career. So looking deeply at myself and my husband would've taken too much time from my success. Until I redefined success... so when I was at a point where my life was just a hot mess and I couldn't put it off any longer , things were revealed. And it was painful. We went to counseling. I had to be vulnerable and I had to get help. I could no longer pretend like my life was all in order and on point. I had to admit that I had failed in a lot of areas. And it was very painful. But well worth it.
 
Sky said:
Yes! That was me. Was in denial because I was afraid of what I would come up with. Yes yes yes. And quite honestly I wasn't mentally, emotionally or physically ready to put the work in. My priority at that time was my career. So looking deeply at myself and my husband would've taken too much time from my success. Until I redefined success... so when I was at a point where my life was just a hot mess and I couldn't put it off any longer , things were revealed. And it was painful. We went to counseling. I had to be vulnerable and I had to get help. I could no longer pretend like my life was all in order and on point. I had to admit that I had failed in a lot of areas. And it was very painful. But well worth it.
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Oh yeah, we definitely sound similar. I'm trying to balance my career with having a young child and it's tough, but that does mean that our marriage has taken a backseat. I don't really have an end goal in sight for my career other than making enough money to get rid of my student loan debt and make sure my DS is always provided for. My definition of success currently doesn't include marriage goals. :-\

Some days I feel like I got married just because we had been together so long and it was the "right" thing to do, and that's not a good reason at all.
 
(I don't know where to put this...i think there's an older children thread in parenting but can't find it)

So DS took the PSAT and is getting some nice emails from some really good colleges. I was like :clapping: when we got the 3rd email from Harvard encouraging him to apply.

He is more like :sleep:. Maybe he's trying not to get his hopes up? :scratchchin:

when school is back in session, i'm going to make another appointment with the counselor to try to keep things on track (SAT, early admissions applications etc), as all of this is new to me. When i ask my American co-workers ,they tell me that things have changed so much since they were in school, it's new to them too.
 
LeftRightRepeat said:
(I don't know where to put this...i think there's an older children thread in parenting but can't find it)

So DS took the PSAT and is getting some nice emails from some really good colleges. I was like :clapping: when we got the 3rd email from Harvard encouraging him to apply.

He is more like :sleep:. Maybe he's trying not to get his hopes up? :scratchchin:

when school is back in session, i'm going to make another appointment with the counselor to try to keep things on track (SAT, early admissions applications etc), as all of this is new to me. When i ask my American co-workers ,they tell me that things have changed so much since they were in school, it's new to them too.
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Definitely do early admission. I did early admission for the Ivy I graduated from. Got accepted in the fall, and I was just chilling while everyone else was still freaking out about applications well into spring :wiggle:. Just means those SAT scores will have to be awesome over the summer :bookworm:. Summer is the perfect time to study though. No other homework responsibilities.

I'm getting DH two new wedding bands! I am always so excited to find unique wedding bands for him. He already has four bands, and I have sketched out a fifth based on West African Adinkra symbols :look: Since we're living in Hawaii now, I wanted to get him something locally made. The second ring is made out of blue opal which is my birth stone :love3:
black-ceramic-flat-abalone-koa-8mm_1024x1024.jpg opal.jpg
 
Miss617 said:
Oh yeah, we definitely sound similar. I'm trying to balance my career with having a young child and it's tough, but that does mean that our marriage has taken a backseat. I don't really have an end goal in sight for my career other than making enough money to get rid of my student loan debt and make sure my DS is always provided for. My definition of success currently doesn't include marriage goals. :-\

Some days I feel like I got married just because we had been together so long and it was the "right" thing to do, and that's not a good reason at all.
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Dare yourself to have a vision for your marriage. It's hard to have two separate lives and feel at peace...Meaning a life with your career and as a parent, and then your husband over there; because you're still a wife and there's a part of us that will want all of that reconciled and intergrated. Take small steps to vision the life you desire as a family. Then you can really look at your situation and make an assessment of where you are, and what you really want, and work in the gap authentically. Things will be revealed as you get more clear about your vision.
 
Hugs to you @Miss617 and @PrissiSippi
I know how you feel, been there, still kind of there.
It's going to take effort from both parties, not just you, but until your DH get in board, breathe, focus on you and think deep about what it is you want out of your marriage.
The hardest thing will be to let go of the potentiality you saw in him, to accept and love him as he is but not to compromise yourself in the process.
 
hopeful said:
I like this thread too:yep:.

Dh is out of town and returns tomorrow. I can't wait.

One of the best things about a long term marriage is the growth. We've gone from me explaining and explaining to me just giving him "a look.". Men love saying they can't read our minds but yeah after 10, 20 years, they kinda can:).
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I agree! My husband and I have been married for 20 years and when I look back at our early years, it never ceases to amaze me how much we have endured, grown and conquered - TOGETHER. When I first fell in love with him I thought I could never love him more than I did at that moment (young). 20 years later, our love and relationship is so much more mature. We've been through some things over the years but found a way to persevere. Those things are what make our love what it is today - fortified. Yes, I look at him and want to slap the Kool-Aid out of his mouth when I've been gone all week and come home to a son and husband sitting around in their underwear, oblivious to the complete disarray of our home. But that is my Boo so instead I decide to focus on the fact that he only has on boxers.

Marriage is not just about having papers downtown. It's about nurturing each other, supporting each other and sharing experiences that only the two of you could have because of who you are as Man & Wife. After 20 years, he knows how I feel, how I think, what I like, what I dislike, how to calm me, when to shut up, and most importantly, when to love me. In all that I do, I try to make sure I give all those things back to him.

As a mother, I have to be cognizant of the fact that our son is learning how to be a husband and father because of us. He will know what kind of wife he needs and can tolerate. He is learning how he should treat his wife and how his wife should treat him and care for their home. He is learning what it takes to care for a woman mentally, physically and spiritually. Having a 20 year love allows us to show him those things - good and bad.

I swear marriage is a challenge. I thank God every day that we aren't on ID.
 
Nix08 said:
sunnieb you are so right. I ventured into my lingerie drawer this week and I swear there were cobwebs and dust not to mention all the lovely items with the price tag still on:nono: OK not really the cobwebs but you get the idea.....
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You have me laughing hard. My husband buys my lingerie and I swear I have more lingerie than clothes. Believe me, I enjoy dressing up for my man but sometimes.......I don't care about any of that. I am so tired from work and often my body is home but my mind isn't and here he comes with some lacy, tight garment with the ass out and all I can do is roll my eyes as hard as I can. I put the crap on but it is a chore: I have to take a shower, wash my face, redo my hair, put on makeup, put on lotion and perfume, squeeze my body into that tight outfit.....with the ass out, and then smile and act as if I'm having the best time ever. All I want to do is sleep :sleeping:

Why do I do it? Because I'm always going to be tired and sleepy and if I let that be the deciding factor, I will never get any!
 
Bad&Bougee said:
You have me laughing hard. My husband buys my lingerie and I swear I have more lingerie than clothes. Believe me, I enjoy dressing up for my man but sometimes.......I don't care about any of that. I am so tired from work and often my body is home but my mind isn't and here he comes with some lacy, tight garment with the ass out and all I can do is roll my eyes as hard as I can. I put the crap on but it is a chore: I have to take a shower, wash my face, redo my hair, put on makeup, put on lotion and perfume, squeeze my body into that tight outfit.....with the ass out, and then smile and act as if I'm having the best time ever. All I want to do is sleep :sleeping:

Why do I do it? Because I'm always going to be tired and sleepy and if I let that be the deciding factor, I will never get any!
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You good girl! Thumbs all the way up! lol.
 
FemmeCreole said:
His idea of doing laundry is putting a load in the washer and forget about it. Then I have the "joy" of finishing up. I told him that las night and he just laughed. Ugh!
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when he tells me "don't worry, i'll do it" ... i do it anyway, because it sits in the washing machine until he remembers to put it in the dryer, and that may be a couple of days (by that point he may need to wash it again), and then it never leaves the dryer until i take it out.
 
Bad&Bougee said:
I agree! My husband and I have been married for 20 years and when I look back at our early years, it never ceases to amaze me how much we have endured, grown and conquered - TOGETHER. When I first fell in love with him I thought I could never love him more than I did at that moment (young). 20 years later, our love and relationship is so much more mature. We've been through some things over the years but found a way to persevere. Those things are what make our love what it is today - fortified. Yes, I look at him and want to slap the Kool-Aid out of his mouth when I've been gone all week and come home to a son and husband sitting around in their underwear, oblivious to the complete disarray of our home. But that is my Boo so instead I decide to focus on the fact that he only has on boxers.

Marriage is not just about having papers downtown. It's about nurturing each other, supporting each other and sharing experiences that only the two of you could have because of who you are as Man & Wife. After 20 years, he knows how I feel, how I think, what I like, what I dislike, how to calm me, when to shut up, and most importantly, when to love me. In all that I do, I try to make sure I give all those things back to him.

As a mother, I have to be cognizant of the fact that our son is learning how to be a husband and father because of us. He will know what kind of wife he needs and can tolerate. He is learning how he should treat his wife and how his wife should treat him and care for their home. He is learning what it takes to care for a woman mentally, physically and spiritually. Having a 20 year love allows us to show him those things - good and bad.

I swear marriage is a challenge. I thank God every day that we aren't on ID.
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This is what I now I want. I could be breaking down on the inside and he would never know. He hates shaking the boat too so he would not ask either. I know he's not a mind reader. But dang. I feel like he's a stranger at times when it comes to comforting me.

It's our anniversary today. I get it. Christmas. Baby birthday 12.28.16. My birthday is 01.14. Valentine's Day is 02.14. And our anniversary is 03.07 but dang would have been nice to get something or do something.

For Valentine's Day the guy gave me gummy worms and starburst. I wanted to say I'm not candy heeaux and not in high school but I guess I need to be grateful.

This is not about gifts or anything but I just wanna leave. I've been wanting to ask him could we sleep in separate rooms for awhile.
 
PrissiSippi said:
This is what I now I want. I could be breaking down on the inside and he would never know. He hates shaking the boat too so he would not ask either. I know he's not a mind reader. But dang. I feel like he's a stranger at times when it comes to comforting me.

It's our anniversary today. I get it. Christmas. Baby birthday 12.28.16. My birthday is 01.14. Valentine's Day is 02.14. And our anniversary is 03.07 but dang would have been nice to get something or do something.

For Valentine's Day the guy gave me gummy worms and starburst. I wanted to say I'm not candy heeaux and not in high school but I guess I need to be grateful.

This is not about gifts or anything but I just wanna leave. I've been wanting to ask him could we sleep in separate rooms for awhile.
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Oh no :hugs:
I remember in our first year of marriage I felt I had made a mistake. We were not communicating properly and I went without saying much because I felt like he should know what's going on or what I'm feeling because we knew each other. We had lived together so I need not say anything. Wrong! All that did was make me unhappy.... until one day I blew up. I'm not one to yell and argue so that got his attention. We ended up staying up all night hashing things out and made the decision to SPEAK.
Things have improved significantly over the years. We're going on 4 years next month.

Men can be clueless at times. Don't keep things bottled up. You have a little one now and you don't want negative emotions to affect your baby.

Congrats by the way! I didn't realize you had given birth already.
 

Why is it that I can usually help folks with their situations, tell them what to say, or how to deal?? When it comes to handling "certain" conflicts of my own, the struggle is so real :(

Really need/ want to vent, but I'm feeling like I don't know where to or how to begin its all so much and it's a terrible feeling!! :( :jail::jabba:

I know he wants and means to help me, even defend me, but on this, Even with his effort/ attempt...

... :cry4:
 
FemmeCreole said:
Oh no :hugs:
I remember in our first year of marriage I felt I had made a mistake. We were not communicating properly and I went without saying much because I felt like he should know what's going on or what I'm feeling because we knew each other. We had lived together so I need not say anything. Wrong! All that did was make me unhappy.... until one day I blew up. I'm not one to yell and argue so that got his attention. We ended up staying up all night hashing things out and made the decision to SPEAK.
Things have improved significantly over the years. We're going on 4 years next month.

Men can be clueless at times. Don't keep things bottled up. You have a little one now and you don't want negative emotions to affect your baby.

Congrats by the way! I didn't realize you had given birth already.
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He's stupid. It doesn't matter if I say something or not. Like he told me it was hard for him to buy me a Christmas present. He bought me this little bitty $50 necklace but ask for a $200 present. I told him I didn't care because it's his fault he should adequately plan for all holidays/dates. I told him small gifts that mean something mean a lot to me. Make it thoughtful but keep what I like in mind. Pandora charms. Jewelry. Perfume. Lingerie. Something. But then Vday u buy me gummy worms and a balloon my birthday u buy me starburst in a vase with a card You didn't sign and our anniversary you do nothing except give me some dyck n bubblegum. Oh he know. He just dun care enough to plan. He's stupid.
 
PrissiSippi said:
He's stupid. It doesn't matter if I say something or not. Like he told me it was hard for him to buy me a Christmas present. He bought me this little bitty $50 necklace but ask for a $200 present. I told him I didn't care because it's his fault he should adequately plan for all holidays/dates. I told him small gifts that mean something mean a lot to me. Make it thoughtful but keep what I like in mind. Pandora charms. Jewelry. Perfume. Lingerie. Something. But then Vday u buy me gummy worms and a balloon my birthday u buy me starburst in a vase with a card You didn't sign and our anniversary you do nothing except give me some dyck n bubblegum. Oh he know. He just dun care enough to plan. He's stupid.
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*Hugs* I have no advice because I'm newly married myself, but what you have described would break me down. I cannot handle being treated as a second thought or as a burden. I have read your posts, and I feel your pain because I can see the similarities between us in that we both need/like that frequent reaffirmation. I'll keep you in my thoughts :bighug:
 
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