Married Ladies Random Thoughts

[naturalgyrl5199]

Lol!
217 pages. I started this thread almost 5 years ago.

We celebrated our 10-year anniversary on 3/3.
We went to the Honey moon spot and took our 3 year old. We took the day off work and sent DD to school for 1/2 a day. He wrote me a beautiful letter and poem and gave me VIP tickets for him and I to see Earth Wind and Fire including VIP, front row seats, etc. He actually cried as I read the letter. He never cries. We had a great time. DD enjoyed herself. I was sick as a dog with a cold. But Nyquil 2 days in a row really helped. I shopped myself to sleep. DD just hung out and took in the beach.

Exactly 1 month before our anniversary on Superbowl Weekend I had my doubts. We'd had a huge fight. His sister got involved---which was a first. She spoke to both of us. We were so frustrated but I think it helped. We got a lot out. He---WE have grown. We met in college when I was a Freshman, he a sophomore. Got married 7 years later.

17 years is a long time when you are barely out of adulthood. I revealed to him that morning that I didn't think we'd make it. Even though its my earnest desire. He still is sharing some things of his childhood (lack of emotional love shown, lack of support with his academics) to this day. New things I am still learning. But this is not the man-child I met in '99. Not the younger, immature version of his current self 10 years ago when we walked down the aisle. Growth is important. It MUST continue. You MUST evolve. Even when your very instinct is to stay set in your ways based on how you were raised.

Peace.

 

[naturalgyrl5199]

I'm glad I stuck to my guns. A few weeks ago DH told me it would help him out if I paid half of the house note just for a few months to help him get his bills under control and let him pay off some stuff. I know it sounds selfish y'all but I feel like that's not my job and if I took on half of the note I would be paying it forever not just 6 months and I don't want to start that. I told him why would I do that and he got mad talking about every idea he comes up with I shoot down. So I asked him for a specific plan and reasoning behind it and he said just forget it.

I reminded him that I've taken on bills in the past and it never helped him get ahead. His problem was money management not the bills because he has a great job, plenty of skills, and many resources.

Anyway I go on here and come across my old threads. He was somewhat struggling even when he was paying g just half of the bills so me letting him do that now would just put more stress in me AND not fix the problem.

I've decided 2017 deals with letting go of stuff that has nothing to do with me. Him not figuring out how to manage his money...if the bill not in my name...has nothing to do with me. His credit score....has nothing to do with me and does not affect me. His savings...as long as he is giving me what I ask for...has nothing to do with me. If he feels broke after xyz...it's not my job to solve these problems. If it were truly a problem he would find a solution. He's super smart, resourceful, and talented. If he cared...he would fix it lol

You may still disagree....but I look at husband/wife/children as a FAMILY unit. His ability to manage money, credit score, etc...DOES and can affect you. More than you think. You may always have to help him manage his money...(I notice ya'll keep it separate---I tend to think of it as OURS so I come from that POV).
With DH he came to our marriage with a LOT of CC debt, but great money management skills with respect to budgeting and saving. His parents piggybacked the kids on credit then left them to pay it off as adults (only the CC the kids themselves build)...anyways...he had about 4 CC with 5-14K on it. My skill was earning but not budgeting, but before we got married I managed well on my own. The problem is...even though the bills were paid, we were putting money back into savings regularly and even on our way to buying a house---which we did shortly after our 5th anniversary...we were still sending A HUGE chunk of change outside the house to pay off his CC bills. whether its money I earned directly or he earned directly...it ultimately took away with what OUR HOUSEHOLD can do going forward. Since it ate a big piece of our budget...WE couldn't do certain things. Now that we are considering baby #2 and counting up the costs...this monthly bill has held us back. His family view/attitude was ;"You'll always have bills" just pay them on time." But for those who budget...it always catches up to you long turn. So when baby#2 came up...HE revealed to his parents...we can't afford it as long as $1000/month is going out the door to pay of CC! Its like throwing money in the trash.... So we came up with a plan to get from under the debt super fast.....the point I'm making it is...it (how he handles the money he earns, pays bills, etc) can affect you because you both earn to support your household and child. Both earnings contribute in some kind of way. You can be hands off in a way but your ability and skills will be needed long term to help him.
Remember that men take a much longer time to come to certain decisions or change a long-time ingrained habit. The deal with marriage is to put your heads together...emphasis on together to come up with the best plan to help him improve or each other improve a habit that needs work. When he is doing good....you BOTH do good. And vice versa....JMHO.

 

[Femmefatal1981]

This is what I now I want. I could be breaking down on the inside and he would never know. He hates shaking the boat too so he would not ask either. I know he's not a mind reader. But dang. I feel like he's a stranger at times when it comes to comforting me.

It's our anniversary today. I get it. Christmas. Baby birthday 12.28.16. My birthday is 01.14. Valentine's Day is 02.14. And our anniversary is 03.07 but dang would have been nice to get something or do something.

For Valentine's Day the guy gave me gummy worms and starburst. I wanted to say I'm not candy heeaux and not in high school but I guess I need to be grateful.

This is not about gifts or anything but I just wanna leave. I've been wanting to ask him could we sleep in separate rooms for awhile.

hormones...don't make any major life decisions this close after delivery.

 

[Femmefatal1981]

Lol!
217 pages. I started this thread almost 5 years ago.

We celebrated our 10-year anniversary on 3/3.
We went to the Honey moon spot and took our 3 year old. We took the day off work and sent DD to school for 1/2 a day. He wrote me a beautiful letter and poem and gave me VIP tickets for him and I to see Earth Wind and Fire including VIP, front row seats, etc. He actually cried as I read the letter. He never cries. We had a great time. DD enjoyed herself. I was sick as a dog with a cold. But Nyquil 2 days in a row really helped. I shopped myself to sleep. DD just hung out and took in the beach.

Exactly 1 month before our anniversary on Superbowl Weekend I had my doubts. We'd had a huge fight. His sister got involved---which was a first. She spoke to both of us. We were so frustrated but I think it helped. We got a lot out. He---WE have grown. We met in college when I was a Freshman, he a sophomore. Got married 7 years later.

17 years is a long time when you are barely out of adulthood. I revealed to him that morning that I didn't think we'd make it. Even though its my earnest desire. He still is sharing some things of his childhood (lack of emotional love shown, lack of support with his academics) to this day. New things I am still learning. But this is not the man-child I met in '99. Not the younger, immature version of his current self 10 years ago when we walked down the aisle. Growth is important. It MUST continue. You MUST evolve. Even when your very instinct is to stay set in your ways based on how you were raised.

Peace.

So real..my 11th anniversary is in 10 days and BABY we have come a LONG way. We still have hills to climb but either we are going to stick it out or we aren't. I'm in a totally different place than I was 5-6 yrs ago.

 

[Bad&Bougee]

This is what I now I want. I could be breaking down on the inside and he would never know. He hates shaking the boat too so he would not ask either. I know he's not a mind reader. But dang. I feel like he's a stranger at times when it comes to comforting me.

It's our anniversary today. I get it. Christmas. Baby birthday 12.28.16. My birthday is 01.14. Valentine's Day is 02.14. And our anniversary is 03.07 but dang would have been nice to get something or do something.

For Valentine's Day the guy gave me gummy worms and starburst. I wanted to say I'm not candy heeaux and not in high school but I guess I need to be grateful.

This is not about gifts or anything but I just wanna leave. I've been wanting to ask him could we sleep in separate rooms for awhile.

PrissiSippi,

I hate to hear that your marriage is going through a rough period. It gets hard - VERY HARD, and it can be tough to remind yourself why you love your husband. Trust me, I know.

Men are analytical, they are not emotional like we are so we have to tell them what we want and need. You should've told him how you felt about your Valentine's Day gift because if not, he will do it again. Whether he was being cute, funny, inconsiderate, or whatever, you have to express your feelings. Don't tell him when you are angry, because he won't receive it, but definitely let him know that you did not appreciate his gift. And please don't take this the wrong way but just because you all have major events back to back is not an excuse to get a cheap gift or last minute gift. He has all year to prepare for your special events and he should make it a priority - - - and you should too. Anniversaries are important and should be celebrated every year that you are blessed to have one. If finances are an issue then put it on the table. During the lean years, my husband and I would discuss what we could afford to do, if anything, and what we wanted to do. If we couldn't afford anything nice we would push it down the calendar until we could. We are similar to you and your husband - our son's bday is April, May is Mother's Day, my birthday is in June, Father's Day is in June, and his bday is in July. We've had to not buy each other birthday gifts (that is fine with me) just to ensure that we had a really nice anniversary. I don't necessarily need to be reminded how old I am but I do need to celebrate how many years our love has endured.

And please do not move into separate bedrooms. That is the beginning of the end. Just be honest with your husband and tell him exactly how you feel and what you want and need from him. If possible, have someone watch the baby and the two of you hash it out. You have to teach him how to give you what you need; some men really just don't know. And try not to be angry with him. He just doesn't have the tools in his tool belt but that doesn't mean you can't provide it to him for the future. I pray that it works out. I love marriage. I think it is one of the most beautiful things but marriage takes work and 100% commitment. Give your husband a chance to fix it. Please keep us posted and I will be praying for you both.

 

[Sky]

You may still disagree....but I look at husband/wife/children as a FAMILY unit. His ability to manage money, credit score, etc...DOES and can affect you. More than you think. You may always have to help him manage his money...(I notice ya'll keep it separate---I tend to think of it as OURS so I come from that POV).
With DH he came to our marriage with a LOT of CC debt, but great money management skills with respect to budgeting and saving. His parents piggybacked the kids on credit then left them to pay it off as adults (only the CC the kids themselves build)...anyways...he had about 4 CC with 5-14K on it. My skill was earning but not budgeting, but before we got married I managed well on my own. The problem is...even though the bills were paid, we were putting money back into savings regularly and even on our way to buying a house---which we did shortly after our 5th anniversary...we were still sending A HUGE chunk of change outside the house to pay off his CC bills. whether its money I earned directly or he earned directly...it ultimately took away with what OUR HOUSEHOLD can do going forward. Since it ate a big piece of our budget...WE couldn't do certain things. Now that we are considering baby #2 and counting up the costs...this monthly bill has held us back. His family view/attitude was ;"You'll always have bills" just pay them on time." But for those who budget...it always catches up to you long turn. So when baby#2 came up...HE revealed to his parents...we can't afford it as long as $1000/month is going out the door to pay of CC! Its like throwing money in the trash.... So we came up with a plan to get from under the debt super fast.....the point I'm making it is...it (how he handles the money he earns, pays bills, etc) can affect you because you both earn to support your household and child. Both earnings contribute in some kind of way. You can be hands off in a way but your ability and skills will be needed long term to help him.
Remember that men take a much longer time to come to certain decisions or change a long-time ingrained habit. The deal with marriage is to put your heads together...emphasis on together to come up with the best plan to help him improve or each other improve a habit that needs work. When he is doing good....you BOTH do good. And vice versa....JMHO.

Yes I totally agree. It took me a long time to see things this way. Its hard because on the one hand you cant enable a person - they have to learn the consequences of their mistakes and you cant always bail them out. On the other hand you have to give them enough space, love, and encourgement to help them figure it out on their own for the betterment of the relationship. At the end of the day you cannot control another person. You can only influence them. Influence comes from having your stuff so tight and so on point they cant help but to go with the flow. So there has to be a balancing act constantly in a marriage. By the same token everything effects you as the spouse no matter which way you go.

Early in my marriage DH and I lived like two single people who were cohabitating and parenting. I felt like well my stuff is good so Im OK if he want to jack up his credit. But he resented me for that and as mentioned previously was passive aggressive in his resentment (@PrissiSippi I think your DH not getting you the right gift is a passive aggressive way that he is showing anger or resentment towards you). I think in marriage you have to love your spouse through what you are going through. Have the difficult conversations and come to that person as an equal, even if they arent equal in that particular area. Like they might not be as good as you with money but they are better than you with fitness. You still have to talk to them respectfully about money just like a person would want anyone saying "dang you're fat - you need to go to the gym and workout. Its not that hard!" My theory is to decide what you want in a marriage, set boundaries and THEN if you are called to act in a drastic way (leave, move out, separate, etc) it will not be from an emotional outburst but truly from a level head. I reacted WAY too much off my emotions early in my marriage -- I was a complete nut --- only to come back the next day like Im sorry I love you blah blah blah. Women are far too emotional. Or should I say they let the emotions run too much of the relationship instead of channeling the emotions in another, healthy way. There is this false belief that we can control men. If they really loved us they would do what we want them to do. Or we can treat them any kind of way, say whatever comes out of our mouth and have the relationship we dream of. Not.

But I love hearing all the stories of people saying they've been together for a while, its been hard, its been messy, but they've grown and are in a better place. To me, thats the reality of a successful marriage. That's what its really about.

 

[Bad&Bougee]

Yes I totally agree. It took me a long time to see things this way. Its hard because on the one hand you cant enable a person - they have to learn the consequences of their mistakes and you cant always bail them out. On the other hand you have to give them enough space, love, and encourgement to help them figure it out on their own for the betterment of the relationship. At the end of the day you cannot control another person. You can only influence them. Influence comes from having your stuff so tight and so on point they cant help but to go with the flow. So there has to be a balancing act constantly in a marriage. By the same token everything effects you as the spouse no matter which way you go.

Early in my marriage DH and I lived like two single people who were cohabitating and parenting. I felt like well my stuff is good so Im OK if he want to jack up his credit. But he resented me for that and as mentioned previously was passive aggressive in his resentment (@PrissiSippi I think your DH not getting you the right gift is a passive aggressive way that he is showing anger or resentment towards you). I think in marriage you have to love your spouse through what you are going through. Have the difficult conversations and come to that person as an equal, even if they arent equal in that particular area. Like they might not be as good as you with money but they are better than you with fitness. You still have to talk to them respectfully about money just like a person would want anyone saying "dang you're fat - you need to go to the gym and workout. Its not that hard!" My theory is to decide what you want in a marriage, set boundaries and THEN if you are called to act in a drastic way (leave, move out, separate, etc) it will not be from an emotional outburst but truly from a level head. I reacted WAY too much off my emotions early in my marriage -- I was a complete nut --- only to come back the next day like Im sorry I love you blah blah blah. Women are far too emotional. Or should I say they let the emotions run too much of the relationship instead of channeling the emotions in another, healthy way. There is this false belief that we can control men. If they really loved us they would do what we want them to do. Or we can treat them any kind of way, say whatever comes out of our mouth and have the relationship we dream of. Not.

But I love hearing all the stories of people saying they've been together for a while, its been hard, its been messy, but they've grown and are in a better place. To me, thats the reality of a successful marriage. That's what its really about.

Sky reading your post caused me to reflect on the very early years of my marriage and the marriage of many people I know. If people are honest about their relationships you will see a general theme. You tickled me when you said you were a complete nut. I can totally relate! And that's the "theme" I was speaking of.

No one really knows what marriage is or what they really want. Initially, we don't know how to be married or realize how much it will change who you are. You can't enter into a marriage with a single person's mentality. If you do, you will get a rude awakening; and that is when the "nut" appears. As emotional as we are you would think that women would have it together but we are just as screwed up as the men, initially, just in a different way. But we have to give ourselves that and allow our spouses that same adjustment period as well. And we go through these adjustment periods at different times. Wives can't expect a perfect husband because we aren't perfect wives - perfection is unattainable so we must have realistic expectations.

Sky, you made a great point about having your stuff so tight that it will influence the other. That is so true and it helps to set the tone of the marriage. It will show the other what you will and won't put up with, it will teach them how to approach you and how to love you. You can't half step and expect your spouse to bring it. Why should they? If I keep myself looking good, then my husband will want to do the same. If I work hard, pay my part of the bills with no fail and don't blow all my money on Michael Kors bags then my husband will most likely do the same. If I treat him with respect and make him feel loved from hair follicle to toe nail then he will do the exact same for me.

Please understand that I am aware that there is one or two men that, no matter what, aren't going to be what you need. That is when we have to be smart enough to cut our losses before it's too late. Not stay for the kids. Not stay because of what others will think. Not stay because it will be difficult financially. But leave because we owe ourselves happiness. If we have honestly given everything we have to give and given him every opportunity to improve, have loved him, been a good wife and partner, and have communicated our feelings, wants and desires and he still act fool...... Leave. He might be who YOU picked but not who God chose for you.

 

[Miss617]

Oh, I see y'all preaching up in here today. I feel like I should be taking notes. This is why this thread remains one of my favorites.

 

[Sky]

Sky reading your post caused me to reflect on the very early years of my marriage and the marriage of many people I know. If people are honest about their relationships you will see a general theme. You tickled me when you said you were a complete nut. I can totally relate! And that's the "theme" I was speaking of.

No one really knows what marriage is or what they really want. Initially, we don't know how to be married or realize how much it will change who you are. You can't enter into a marriage with a single person's mentality. If you do, you will get a rude awakening; and that is when the "nut" appears. As emotional as we are you would think that women would have it together but we are just as screwed up as the men, initially, just in a different way. But we have to give ourselves that and allow our spouses that same adjustment period as well. And we go through these adjustment periods at different times. Wives can't expect a perfect husband because we aren't perfect wives - perfection is unattainable so we must have realistic expectations.

Sky, you made a great point about having your stuff so tight that it will influence the other. That is so true and it helps to set the tone of the marriage. It will show the other what you will and won't put up with, it will teach them how to approach you and how to love you. You can't half step and expect your spouse to bring it. Why should they? If I keep myself looking good, then my husband will want to do the same. If I work hard, pay my part of the bills with no fail and don't blow all my money on Michael Kors bags then my husband will most likely do the same. If I treat him with respect and make him feel loved from hair follicle to toe nail then he will do the exact same for me.

Please understand that I am aware that there is one or two men that, no matter what, aren't going to be what you need. That is when we have to be smart enough to cut our losses before it's too late. Not stay for the kids. Not stay because of what others will think. Not stay because it will be difficult financially. But leave because we owe ourselves happiness. If we have honestly given everything we have to give and given him every opportunity to improve, have loved him, been a good wife and partner, and have communicated our feelings, wants and desires and he still act fool...... Leave. He might be who YOU picked but not who God chose for you.

Hey there. Yes I think your post is spot on. A lot of women are afraid to be vulnerable in a marriage. In the first few years of my marriage that also eroded my relationship with my husband because he would always say since I'm his wife I should be more vulnerable , etc. I still felt like I had to keep a scorecard and protect my heart immensely but that's because I didn't really understand the spiritual nature of the union. I wasn't respecting the sacredness of marriage. Now like you said at the same time if the man ain't no good then the better you treat him the clearer it will be that he's not the one if he's not. He won't respond to the treatment right. He will show his immaturity. He will show his true colors. I think * thats* the fear of most women. The disappointment that their man won't answer the call or be able to step up and they will have to walk. But in the end you still lose because playing small also deprives you of blessings. So when I started to take care of myself to the utmost AND became a grade A+ wife my husband knew ok I gotta get right. She's gonna walk. I said everything with my actions. Trust me men know when your serious. It was very hard. Very hard because I had to really forgive him. Like ok let's start over. I'm going to bring my best you bring your best and let's see how this goes. And if he wasn't ready I would have still loved him, still prayed for him. And still went with my life , my kids and put the plan together for our separation. I was like either way babe. Either way. Cause I'm my zone. I'm there. I want you and I'll do the work. But Gods got my back - I'm going to be alright if you ain't ready. ❤

 

[FemmeFatale]

Wow, there's lots of amazing gems in here. And welcome @Bad&Bougee! Your wisdom and openness is welcomed here.

 

[Taleah2009]

Oh, I see y'all preaching up in here today. I feel like I should be taking notes. This is why this thread remains one of my favorites.

I know right lol

 

[Taleah2009]

Wow, there's lots of amazing gems in here. And welcome @Bad&Bougee! Your wisdom and openness is welcomed here.

Yes! agreed!

 

[FemmeFatale]

Hey there. Yes I think your post is spot on. A lot of women are afraid to be vulnerable in a marriage. In the first few years of my marriage that also eroded my relationship with my husband because he would always say since I'm his wife I should be more vulnerable , etc. I still felt like I had to keep a scorecard and protect my heart immensely but that's because I didn't really understand the spiritual nature of the union. I wasn't respecting the sacredness of marriage. Now like you said at the same time if the man ain't no good then the better you treat him the clearer it will be that he's not the one if he's not. He won't respond to the treatment right. He will show his immaturity. He will show his true colors. I think * thats* the fear of most women. The disappointment that their man won't answer the call or be able to step up and they will have to walk. But in the end you still lose because playing small also deprives you of blessings. So when I started to take care of myself to the utmost AND became a grade A+ wife my husband knew ok I gotta get right. She's gonna walk. I said everything with my actions. Trust me men know when your serious. It was very hard. Very hard because I had to really forgive him. Like ok let's start over. I'm going to bring my best you bring your best and let's see how this goes. And if he wasn't ready I would have still loved him, still prayed for him. And still went with my life , my kids and put the plan together for our separation. I was like either way babe. Either way. Cause I'm my zone. I'm there. I want you and I'll do the work. But Gods got my back - I'm going to be alright if you ain't ready. ❤

Love this gem right here.
Do you feel like your DH is your best friend and the person closest to you emotionally?

 

[Bad&Bougee]

Hey there. Yes I think your post is spot on. A lot of women are afraid to be vulnerable in a marriage. In the first few years of my marriage that also eroded my relationship with my husband because he would always say since I'm his wife I should be more vulnerable , etc. I still felt like I had to keep a scorecard and protect my heart immensely but that's because I didn't really understand the spiritual nature of the union. I wasn't respecting the sacredness of marriage. Now like you said at the same time if the man ain't no good then the better you treat him the clearer it will be that he's not the one if he's not. He won't respond to the treatment right. He will show his immaturity. He will show his true colors. I think * thats* the fear of most women. The disappointment that their man won't answer the call or be able to step up and they will have to walk. But in the end you still lose because playing small also deprives you of blessings. So when I started to take care of myself to the utmost AND became a grade A+ wife my husband knew ok I gotta get right. She's gonna walk. I said everything with my actions. Trust me men know when your serious. It was very hard. Very hard because I had to really forgive him. Like ok let's start over. I'm going to bring my best you bring your best and let's see how this goes. And if he wasn't ready I would have still loved him, still prayed for him. And still went with my life , my kids and put the plan together for our separation. I was like either way babe. Either way. Cause I'm my zone. I'm there. I want you and I'll do the work. But Gods got my back - I'm going to be alright if you ain't ready. ❤

WOW! I got tingles reading your post! Everything you said is the truth and often times the truth is the hardest to deal with. I am so proud that you took a stance for YOU. You know and have faith that you will be okay, regardless of the outcome. All you can do is what you did - be the best wife and woman you can be and see how he responds. As you stated,standing up and being strong will bring the Man out of a husband every time. Those peacock feathers is what they truly want to see. And nothing is more bad (bad meaning good) than a Black Woman, a Wife, strutting with her peacock feathers high in the sky and pretty. Ladies be doing it to death and we have to believe in ourselves if we expect our husbands to.

Strut girl!

 

[Bad&Bougee]

Wow, there's lots of amazing gems in here. And welcome @Bad&Bougee! Your wisdom and openness is welcomed here.

Thank you so much. I have been a fan of this Forum for quite some time. The ladies who blog and post seem to really know their stuff but most importantly, you all seem to support and motivate each other. I'm excited.

 

[Bad&Bougee]

Lol!
217 pages. I started this thread almost 5 years ago.

We celebrated our 10-year anniversary on 3/3.
We went to the Honey moon spot and took our 3 year old. We took the day off work and sent DD to school for 1/2 a day. He wrote me a beautiful letter and poem and gave me VIP tickets for him and I to see Earth Wind and Fire including VIP, front row seats, etc. He actually cried as I read the letter. He never cries. We had a great time. DD enjoyed herself. I was sick as a dog with a cold. But Nyquil 2 days in a row really helped. I shopped myself to sleep. DD just hung out and took in the beach.

Exactly 1 month before our anniversary on Superbowl Weekend I had my doubts. We'd had a huge fight. His sister got involved---which was a first. She spoke to both of us. We were so frustrated but I think it helped. We got a lot out. He---WE have grown. We met in college when I was a Freshman, he a sophomore. Got married 7 years later.

17 years is a long time when you are barely out of adulthood. I revealed to him that morning that I didn't think we'd make it. Even though its my earnest desire. He still is sharing some things of his childhood (lack of emotional love shown, lack of support with his academics) to this day. New things I am still learning. But this is not the man-child I met in '99. Not the younger, immature version of his current self 10 years ago when we walked down the aisle. Growth is important. It MUST continue. You MUST evolve. Even when your very instinct is to stay set in your ways based on how you were raised.

Peace.

Starting this thread is one of the best things you could have done. We need somewhere to talk through our problems and issues without judgement

 

[Sky]

Love this gem right here.
Do you feel like your DH is your best friend and the person closest to you emotionally?

Not yet my best friend. There's still some trust issues like I still have to get to the point where I give him totally the benefit of the doubt and I trust him and trust my own judgement about him . He would always say that too - he wanted to be married to his best friend and wanted us to just enjoy doing the same things. I didn't understand that cause I was married to my career. Friendship sounded like work and wasn't bringing money in my pocket. It took too much time. Real friendship takes time. Cause I gotta listen to you and I gotta consider your feelings and I gotta sacrifice lol. This sounds crazy typing but seriously those were my thoughts. The friendship thing was corny. I realized I had serious intimacy issues. Friendship requires intimacy. I thought I was being "cool". But I was really miserable. So we are working toward deep friendship now. We are much much better friends. And it goes two ways. A lot of the relationship was me talking 95% of the time and trying to make everything about me. I see now being best friends is reciprocal. So it's a conscious effort for me but becoming more natural. So since I do a lot of listening I am learning more about my husband as a person. I study him and I'm also learning about myself. We are definitely getting there.

 

[hopeful]

Starting this thread is one of the best things you could have done. We need somewhere to talk through our problems and issues without judgement

Aren't we lucky she started this thread?

 

[futurelonglocks]

I am appreciative that I have had such an amazing husband these last few weeks. February 14th was his last day working offshore. February 16th he got a call for a job offer - a manager position that another company created for him with a significant increase in pay and he will be home! Thanking God because all that we knew was that he would not be offshore any longer. The only other job prospect that he had was to go into business for himself. Anyway...March 6th I had my BBL surgery and I'm out of work for two weeks. Husband has been managing his new job by working from home, our 11 yr old, 9 yr stepdaughter that's here for spring break and our busy 1 yr old. I have not had to lift a finger and he's been taking care of me with a smile! Love him!!

 

[starchgirl]

DH is mad. He'll get over it.

 

[Taleah2009]

Hubby and I are in a good place. We spent most of the weekend just laughing together and enjoying each other's company. #thankful

 

[naturalgyrl5199]

@Bad&Bougee @Sky
Self care as a wife is paramount.
I married a man who admitted to me that he was rarely hugged as a child. And his parents are actually very sweet people. However he also grew up seeing his mother in a completely traditional role. No makeup, hair rarely done, and putting herself absolutely last for her unapologetic husband and spoiled sons. The daughter was neglected in a way I cannot imagine that affected her as a WOMAN.
So I had to learn that I need to put me FIRST, and I was upset to see my husband not be mad about it, but push back from it in a subtle way. But I dug in my heels and learned to put me first. He also learned that *I COULD WALK*
He learned that being as educated, and smart and self-starting and self motivated, that the ONLY thing keeping me here, was MY CHOICE, and MY LOVE for him. AND he had to understand that it was HIS job, to make sure I stayed happy. And that involved coming up thousands of levels with his mentality. Loyalty and work ethic was always ingrained in him. I knew he'd be an attentive dad and husband. But I also knew I had to show HIM, through learning to love myself (something I wasn't taught was rigorously as I should have been as I had a poor model) and walking that walk, that if you want this to work, it takes MORE than the bare minimum. I rejected the notion that because he works hard and is "here", that, its how he shows love. Plus I knew he loved me for more than what he was letting on and I had to show him, that its okay to tell me that. His way wa showering me with expensive gifts but the emotional unavailability sometimes was a dealbreaker.
Long story short, I took the time to do the things FOR me. And explaining to him what MY vision for this marriage was, down to finances, businesses, and parent-hood.

Most importantly, as a woman---and as a mother, in a marriage, its IMPORTANT that you be on the same page about finances at all times. While I can MAKE MONEY, pregnancy is a BEAST. It CAN cripple you because...pregnancy. I explained that to him, and explained that if we were to have a kid, we could loose income over a 1-2 year time--and he'd have to be the sole breadwinner. Same for a disability. So planning finances TOGETHER is important. BEING YOUR SELF is important in a marriage.

 

[naturalgyrl5199]

Aren't we lucky she started this thread?

I felt like we needed a space that we can be honest about our situation. I see so many women yearning for marriage but are REALLY not ready. Marriage is a journey. Its the start...not the end. The story you write is like a novel. I knew some people would lurk...I know some will judge. But people need to see the real and raw as we are comfortable with sharing.

 

[syze6]

Hubby and I was out for his birthday dinner and we took pics. It was funny how we noticed how we have changed over he years. We were scanning the pics commenting on how we have gained weight and such. Then we went home and looked at some pics when we were lighter and younger. It was funny because I can see how my face has really gotten fuller over the years. We both was talking about how we have to get to the gym asap. I have missed the gym the past weeks due to a knee injury. I will be in there with bells on tonight! It is funny how you don't notice things just staring in the mirror. You take a picture and you notice everything!

 

[Sky]

@Bad&Bougee @Sky
Self care as a wife is paramount.
I married a man who admitted to me that he was rarely hugged as a child. And his parents are actually very sweet people. However he also grew up seeing his mother in a completely traditional role. No makeup, hair rarely done, and putting herself absolutely last for her unapologetic husband and spoiled sons. The daughter was neglected in a way I cannot imagine that affected her as a WOMAN.
So I had to learn that I need to put me FIRST, and I was upset to see my husband not be mad about it, but push back from it in a subtle way. But I dug in my heels and learned to put me first. He also learned that *I COULD WALK*
He learned that being as educated, and smart and self-starting and self motivated, that the ONLY thing keeping me here, was MY CHOICE, and MY LOVE for him. AND he had to understand that it was HIS job, to make sure I stayed happy. And that involved coming up thousands of levels with his mentality. Loyalty and work ethic was always ingrained in him. I knew he'd be an attentive dad and husband. But I also knew I had to show HIM, through learning to love myself (something I wasn't taught was rigorously as I should have been as I had a poor model) and walking that walk, that if you want this to work, it takes MORE than the bare minimum. I rejected the notion that because he works hard and is "here", that, its how he shows love. Plus I knew he loved me for more than what he was letting on and I had to show him, that its okay to tell me that. His way wa showering me with expensive gifts but the emotional unavailability sometimes was a dealbreaker.
Long story short, I took the time to do the things FOR me. And explaining to him what MY vision for this marriage was, down to finances, businesses, and parent-hood.

Most importantly, as a woman---and as a mother, in a marriage, its IMPORTANT that you be on the same page about finances at all times. While I can MAKE MONEY, pregnancy is a BEAST. It CAN cripple you because...pregnancy. I explained that to him, and explained that if we were to have a kid, we could loose income over a 1-2 year time--and he'd have to be the sole breadwinner. Same for a disability. So planning finances TOGETHER is important. BEING YOUR SELF is important in a marriage.

Preach!

And unfortunately a lot of our black men are used to seeing women in their lives work like mules and put themselves last. They think that's normal. My husband comes from a family of very strong successful women. He thought it was normal that women should be able to do 5000 things and still look like a super model. I had to really change his view about that. It's sad they aren't used to seeing us as a princess.

 

[syze6]

WOW! I got tingles reading your post! Everything you said is the truth and often times the truth is the hardest to deal with. I am so proud that you took a stance for YOU. You know and have faith that you will be okay, regardless of the outcome. All you can do is what you did - be the best wife and woman you can be and see how he responds. As you stated,standing up and being strong will bring the Man out of a husband every time. Those peacock feathers is what they truly want to see. And nothing is more bad (bad meaning good) than a Black Woman, a Wife, strutting with her peacock feathers high in the sky and pretty. Ladies be doing it to death and we have to believe in ourselves if we expect our husbands to.

Strut girl!

 

[syze6]

I love the realness of this thread because people get the wrong impression of marriage. They think it's roses all the time and butterflies. There are ups and downs with this togetherness while still navigating the ups and downs as being an individual. There are times I feel like biting my hubby until he screams to hoarseness!

Then I can turn around and love him to pieces. The things that used to annoy me aren't so noticeable anymore. Now...I'd be lying if I didn't admit to being a mess at times and wonder how he puts up with me. The fact that we can look at different challenges and growths makes US appreciate this thing called marriage. I do believe there are those who paint this fairy tale about marriage and are disappointed when it isn't constant. Like anything in life you have to evolve through the process. I know I am still learning how to be a wife and still maintain my relationship with myself. I just strive to grow as a person and change me and I believe the rest will work out itself.

 

[Sky]

I love the realness of this thread because people get the wrong impression of marriage. They think it's roses all the time and butterflies. There are ups and downs with this togetherness while still navigating the ups and downs as being an individual. There are times I feel like biting my hubby until he screams to hoarseness!

Then I can turn around and love him to pieces. The things that used to annoy me aren't so noticeable anymore. Now...I'd be lying if I didn't admit to being a mess at times and wonder how he puts up with me. The fact that we can look at different challenges and growths makes US appreciate this thing called marriage. I do believe there are those who paint this fairy tale about marriage and are disappointed when it isn't constant. Like anything in life you have to evolve through the process. I know I am still learning how to be a wife and still maintain my relationship with myself. I just strive to grow as a person and change me and I believe the rest will work out itself.

Yes. It is amazing how the things that used to annoy me don't anymore. I also agree that marriage is really hard work and often times people aren't prepared. I remember attending a relationship workshop at church for married people and others in a relationship. There were a few single women there and they were talking about how they wanted to get married but they didn't want to have to share their space or closet with someone and how they were used to going by their own schedule. One of the married facilitators was like girl if that's your only problem consider yourself lucky lol. Im no longer ashamed of the fact that we've had a lot of issues and I was actually going to pay lawyers retainer fee to keep that option on deck. I think those challenges for me have made me appreciate my marriage so much more.

 

[Miss617]

This man is getting on my nerves lately. It's like everyday is, "I need a week off" or "I need my own place." I know you don't get enough sleep. I know you want to get out of this house. I get it, I do. But for the love of God, I don't need to hear it every single freaking day. Then to say you need your own place because sometimes you don't want to see anybody? Leave then!

 

[Bad&Bougee]

I love the realness of this thread because people get the wrong impression of marriage. They think it's roses all the time and butterflies. There are ups and downs with this togetherness while still navigating the ups and downs as being an individual. There are times I feel like biting my hubby until he screams to hoarseness!

Then I can turn around and love him to pieces. The things that used to annoy me aren't so noticeable anymore. Now...I'd be lying if I didn't admit to being a mess at times and wonder how he puts up with me. The fact that we can look at different challenges and growths makes US appreciate this thing called marriage. I do believe there are those who paint this fairy tale about marriage and are disappointed when it isn't constant. Like anything in life you have to evolve through the process. I know I am still learning how to be a wife and still maintain my relationship with myself. I just strive to grow as a person and change me and I believe the rest will work out itself.

No that is the truth! People do have that impression of marriage and I am not sure how they arrived at that conclusion. Sometimes marriage is roses and butterflies but that is not the norm. Now there are people who exaggerate how splendid their marriage is but I am always leery of those people because when you left back all that splendor there is usually something ugly hiding beneath. Marriage is never all anything. As you stated, there are ups and downs but nothing that can't be overcome with communication and honesty - usually. As @Sky mentioned, all those bumps in the road make you appreciate your marriage and spouse that much more. I promise you, all the things my husband and I went through definitely made me a better wife and more appreciative of my husband. And I can tell by his actions that the same is true for him.

True story. I know a couple who has been married a little over a year and the wife up and left her husband and two kids because she wasn't happy. Happy meaning getting to do what she wants to do when she wants to do it and having the financial ability to go and come as she pleases. WHAT?! That's a prime example of how people go into marriage with a false perception and if you enter into a marriage only concerned about YOUR happiness and well-being then I guess the end result is leaving your husband and 2 children behind. That situation really bothers me because she is selfish, immature, short sighted and did not give her family a chance. We can't expect happiness every day. We shouldn't want to run the streets every weekend while we have a husband and children at home. Marriage is not about the individual and unfortunately, that is how many marriages end. It's sad. I want to call her but I need to calm down first and then pray and ask the Lord to give me the words...........