Yep....I HATE passive aggressiveness HATE it! Just say what it is you want to say. I have a boss who is like that. Where he wraps up a criticism in a half-hearted joke. He used to start of with,"Can you do me a favor?" Then he would proceed with the, "Next time can you do xyz?" This is obviously after whatever xyz wasn't done the way he expected it or wanted it. I gladly told him passive aggressiveness doesn't work for me. We can agree that he just needs to be direct and as two grown ups act accordingly.
Married Ladies Random Thoughts
- Thread starter naturalgyrl5199
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Yep....I HATE passive aggressiveness HATE it! Just say what it is you want to say. I have a boss who is like that. Where he wraps up a criticism in a half-hearted joke. He used to start of with,"Can you do me a favor?" Then he would proceed with the, "Next time can you do xyz?" This is obviously after whatever xyz wasn't done the way he expected it or wanted it. I gladly told him passive aggressiveness doesn't work for me. We can agree that he just needs to be direct and as two grown ups act accordingly.
Sky
Well-Known Member
Yes. And that's something I'm working on is making very clear my needs, calling out what I see as passive aggressive behavior on the spot, and then releasing it once it's been addressed ( not holding grudges).
hopeful
Well-Known Member
Wow, that's really mean and another story of passive aggressiveness. So he gets to mope, not talk to you about it, and make you feel like a bad wife. Insuring there's no way for you to win or feel good or helpful.
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Miss617
Always left of center
I actually told him he made me feel like a bad wife when he said things like that, and asked him how we're supposed to be married if he can't talk to me. I told him I may not be able to empathize since I have not lost a parent but that doesn't mean I can't listen and still help him work through it. I told him the most I could figure was that he needed closure since there was no funeral or service. I really don't know what else he wants from me, I can't bring his dad back from the dead.
Miss617
Always left of center
@hopeful I'll actually be getting away from him this weekend LOL. I'm leaving for Orlando for a conference tomorrow, when I get back Monday he'll be leaving for work. I don't know much I'll actually get to do while I'm there, but I'm hoping Sunday night at least I'll be able to explore a little.
PrissiSippi
Simply Komplex
-DH is great with the baby. He's a true family man. Reminds me of the chapter in a book hopeful had that thread on though. He acts like a child so of course he's great with kids.
DH has the flu. I asked him to stay at his parent's until he gets a little better. Baby doesn't have his shots
lol So I'm a single parent until Monday
- I paid two months up on a bill he was behind on (this is a prime example of coddling a man; I'm bad with this). I see the updated bill today. Instead of saying thanks to my lovely wife I can now get ahead and pay next month's bill on time...he skipped paying next month's bill and this month. Now the bill is two months behind. That's why I feel he is ungrateful. This is why I wouldn't take on paying the house note either. He said it's to get him ahead...but he's not going to do that in actuality.
- We got into it about always having spare money on you. I want to tell him I told you so. Because he has the flu he had to spend about $100 on medicine, lysol, dr visit, and etc. If you don't have spare money you can't do that
-He's still secretive about credit. I'm trying to help him but he never comes to me. I have to ask him about it and then he says Ohhhhh yeah I got a letter at my parent's house or etc. This is not my job. He's not my fix-it project. I guess if he wants help he will ask me or do it himself? I'm OCD though. It's hard for me to sit back.
Positives:
- My mother is overly critical over everything I do with the baby. DH told her this is not an "art to baby raising and there is no wrong/right answer in how to care for DS and I was doing great". Basically he told MY mom to back off.
-DH asked me over and over when is baby's appointment and he's taking off to go to the appointment for his first shots.
DH has the flu. I asked him to stay at his parent's until he gets a little better. Baby doesn't have his shots
lol So I'm a single parent until Monday- I paid two months up on a bill he was behind on (this is a prime example of coddling a man; I'm bad with this). I see the updated bill today. Instead of saying thanks to my lovely wife I can now get ahead and pay next month's bill on time...he skipped paying next month's bill and this month. Now the bill is two months behind. That's why I feel he is ungrateful. This is why I wouldn't take on paying the house note either. He said it's to get him ahead...but he's not going to do that in actuality.
- We got into it about always having spare money on you. I want to tell him I told you so. Because he has the flu he had to spend about $100 on medicine, lysol, dr visit, and etc. If you don't have spare money you can't do that
-He's still secretive about credit. I'm trying to help him but he never comes to me. I have to ask him about it and then he says Ohhhhh yeah I got a letter at my parent's house or etc. This is not my job. He's not my fix-it project. I guess if he wants help he will ask me or do it himself? I'm OCD though. It's hard for me to sit back.
Positives:
- My mother is overly critical over everything I do with the baby. DH told her this is not an "art to baby raising and there is no wrong/right answer in how to care for DS and I was doing great". Basically he told MY mom to back off.
-DH asked me over and over when is baby's appointment and he's taking off to go to the appointment for his first shots.
Sky
Well-Known Member
-DH is great with the baby. He's a true family man. Reminds me of the chapter in a book hopeful had that thread on though. He acts like a child so of course he's great with kids.
DH has the flu. I asked him to stay at his parent's until he gets a little better. Baby doesn't have his shots
- I paid two months up on a bill he was behind on (this is a prime example of coddling a man; I'm bad with this). I see the updated bill today. Instead of saying thanks to my lovely wife I can now get ahead and pay next month's bill on time...he skipped paying next month's bill and this month. Now the bill is two months behind. That's why I feel he is ungrateful. This is why I wouldn't take on paying the house note either. He said it's to get him ahead...but he's not going to do that in actuality.
- We got into it about always having spare money on you. I want to tell him I told you so. Because he has the flu he had to spend about $100 on medicine, lysol, dr visit, and etc. If you don't have spare money you can't do that
-He's still secretive about credit. I'm trying to help him but he never comes to me. I have to ask him about it and then he says Ohhhhh yeah I got a letter at my parent's house or etc. This is not my job. He's not my fix-it project. I guess if he wants help he will ask me or do it himself? I'm OCD though. It's hard for me to sit back.
Sigh. Yes I was going to post something earlier about finances and marriage but was like let me pray about this. I feel your struggle. I dont pay his bills. But I have gotten upset because of how he paid something or didnt take care of something because as a married couple my feeling is if your credit is bad then it effects our purchasing power together. So I used to have to stay on him about paying his own bills on time (ie student loan or like a parking ticket, etc) My husband is not a big spender and is more conservative than me with his spending (he also makes less than me) but we were both spending money (discretionary) as if we were still single. We always divided up our bills but did not leverage our dual incomes to get out of debt and did not disclose all purchases. I think this is real big girl and boy moves to do so and I would dare to say all marriages dont get to this point. It took years for us to get there and a lot of boundary setting on my part and it was mad uncomfortable BUT we did the following and it has helped:
* I had him print out all his bills and I printed all my bills. ALL OF THEM. The statements, interest rates, balance, everything. Even the 80 walmart bill, his T mobile bill, everything. We also pulled both our credit reports so I could see all the bills and outstanding balances and accounts.
* We put all our bills in a binder hole punched. We looked at all interest rates, fees, etc to see what we could lower or change.
* We made a plan to pay off the bills. We were able to consolidate some for a lower interest rate, etc.
* We made a list of all of our monthly bills and min payments. That list is also in the binder. We also included assets like the monthly payments that go to our kids 529 plan and our annuity accounts.
* We looked at ALL income. We have invest property so we made a plan as to how that profit would be spent. We actually were just breaking even for a while and made a move so that now we have about 400 dollars in profit on one of our properties.
* We stopped trying to ball out. We were just taking trips we couldnt afford and charging things without a thought of how it would be paid. We dont make any major purchases without consulting each other. Now he bought our DD a 400 motor car for Christmas ( he told me ahead of time but I didnt agree)-- I was TIGHT but he did this with his bonus so I just gritted my teeth on that one...
* We have a joint checking account that we both put money into and have connected accounts with Chase. I can see his transactions. He can see mine. He does have Chase savings account that is separate but I have access to. We have access to each others account (not credit cards but liquid accounts). I check his.
AND I'm still not satisfied. But I will say it makes it much easier to have those difficult conversations because every thing is above board and transparent. We sit together every pay period (we get paid the same day) and go over the bills. I wish I had done this 10 years ago. But I realize that we've come a long way. But I think the first step is laying all the cards on the table. We are still in debt of course but we know exactly how much we owe, what our goals are to get out of debt (like both our cars will be paid off next year and we talked about banking all that money) and we have long term goals for retirement, even though we are a long ways from retiring. But I think the first step is knowing exactly where you stand and trying to come up with a plan based on a common goal. Its A LOT easier if you have a common goal and common value system.
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Miss617
Always left of center
@PrissiSippi I'm glad to hear your DH is helping with the baby. The credit thing and falling behind with bills is problematic, but you already know that. He needs to figure it out for himself.
Brwnbeauti
Well-Known Member
@Taleah2009 and @syze6 i got sneakers too.
Foxglove
A drop of golden sun
-DH is great with the baby. He's a true family man. Reminds me of the chapter in a book hopeful had that thread on though. He acts like a child so of course he's great with kids.
DH has the flu. I asked him to stay at his parent's until he gets a little better. Baby doesn't have his shots
- I paid two months up on a bill he was behind on (this is a prime example of coddling a man; I'm bad with this). I see the updated bill today. Instead of saying thanks to my lovely wife I can now get ahead and pay next month's bill on time...he skipped paying next month's bill and this month. Now the bill is two months behind. That's why I feel he is ungrateful. This is why I wouldn't take on paying the house note either. He said it's to get him ahead...but he's not going to do that in actuality.
- We got into it about always having spare money on you. I want to tell him I told you so. Because he has the flu he had to spend about $100 on medicine, lysol, dr visit, and etc. If you don't have spare money you can't do that
-He's still secretive about credit. I'm trying to help him but he never comes to me. I have to ask him about it and then he says Ohhhhh yeah I got a letter at my parent's house or etc. This is not my job. He's not my fix-it project. I guess if he wants help he will ask me or do it himself? I'm OCD though. It's hard for me to sit back.
Positives:
- My mother is overly critical over everything I do with the baby. DH told her this is not an "art to baby raising and there is no wrong/right answer in how to care for DS and I was doing great". Basically he told MY mom to back off.
-DH asked me over and over when is baby's appointment and he's taking off to go to the appointment for his first shots.
Can you sit with him and set up auto pay for the essential bills with his card/account?
PrissiSippi
Simply Komplex
He says he's going to do that each time but never does. So annoying. I lit fire under him the other day. He only has a few bills. That's water, alarm, and internet, and house. We supposedly came up with a plan. From taxes he's going to pay up the water, his car insurance, and alarm system for the year. If he goes through with it he wouldn't be late on bills for a year and that would give me some time to think things out. He didn't go through with it last year but this year I have more leverage...for now... he wants his "family" badly of course. (He's always wanted to be a father) So he seems more willing to step up...for now.
locabouthair
Well-Known Member
Taleah2009
Well-Known Member
lol that's too funny
Miss617
Always left of center
So apparently DH's coworker's landlady is finally ready to rent out that apartment we were supposed to go see like a year ago (maybe not a year, but a while ago). I'm like "Uh huh, OK, sure." I'll believe it when I see it. But I know he's ready to get out of here. I am too, but it seems like he complains about the smallest things and I'm just like, dude, it's not that serious. Maybe because I'm used to all this stuff? But man, I haven't even been back for a whole day yet and I'm already annoyed by all his complaining.
Taleah2009
Well-Known Member
Just when I was thinking we were cruising through year 2 my husband has been passing me off since Friday. He is so self centered! You would think of he knows his wife his pissed he would do better, nope not him. He continues to dig the whole deeper. I'm so pissed.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
(((Hugs))) @Taleah2009
Sorry you are going through this.
Sorry you are going through this.
sunnieb
Well-Known Member
Hang in there!
Our year 2 was rough as hell. I packed up and left him.......twice.
He left me once. 
We were going through growing pains I guess.
I'm sorry you're going through this. We're understand. Vent here all you want.
Dee-Licious
Well-Known Member
I'm in one of those states of annoyance right now.
I darn near wanted to reach over and smother him with a pillow due to the "crunch" noises from him eating an apple. It's like everything annoys me in some way or fashion. The plus is that I know when I'm in one of those moods, and I'm better at not voicing every annoyance and starting an argument.
Like, I seriously got mad last night when I asked him what he wanted as sides for dinner, and he said a salad. I didn't feel like putting salad on the plate and told him to fix the plates.
Yep, I'm in a mood
I darn near wanted to reach over and smother him with a pillow due to the "crunch" noises from him eating an apple. It's like everything annoys me in some way or fashion. The plus is that I know when I'm in one of those moods, and I'm better at not voicing every annoyance and starting an argument.
Like, I seriously got mad last night when I asked him what he wanted as sides for dinner, and he said a salad. I didn't feel like putting salad on the plate and told him to fix the plates
.Yep, I'm in a mood
Taleah2009
Well-Known Member
Thanks hopeful!
Taleah2009
Well-Known Member
Hang in there!
Our year 2 was rough as hell. I packed up and left him.......twice.
We were going through growing pains I guess.
I'm sorry you're going through this. We're understand. Vent here all you want.
Thank you so much!
Sky
Well-Known Member
Oh no! Sending hugs your way... definitely been there. Marriage is such hard work real talk.
summertimewine
*sips tea*
I hope it all passes! Sending you my love!
Miss617
Always left of center
Thanks @Sky and @frogkisses. I'm just having a lot of conflicting feelings right now, but mostly I feel numb. We got into an argument yesterday and I had a moment where I felt like I made a mistake marrying him. Not because he's a bad man or husband, but because for everything he's done for me and for our son, I know he'll never be what I want him to be. I knew this before we got married and I said yes anyway and now I just feel like... why?
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