Married Ladies Random Thoughts

[melahnee]

@melahnee, I'm very sorry you're going through this. I understand the connection you feel to your dh because I have been with my dh since middle school as well. When you have that type of history, you feel like you know everything there is to know. However, when dh and I first married, things changed. I can't explain it. Marriage changes things. Living in the same space, under the same roof creates friction that doesn't happen while dating. In addition, some things simply don't come to light until you're living under the same roof. This behavior could be one of those things.

It's a dang shame ain't it We've lived together for some time now, but we just started projects and stuff like that to make money together. It's like he feels like he owns me now that we married. Apparently these are his true colors. He brings up how in the olden days(meaning Biblical. He's traditional and believe it or not, religious and a church goer why are these the worst sometimes?), that men would beat their wives and it was okay. I said it's ****in 2017 not the 1800s!! plus IDC about how things went down that way. Even nowadays, women take beatings all the time.

 

[melahnee]

@melahnee, I'm very sorry you're going through this. I understand the connection you feel to your dh because I have been with my dh since middle school as well. When you have that type of history, you feel like you know everything there is to know. However, when dh and I first married, things changed. I can't explain it. Marriage changes things. Living in the same space, under the same roof creates friction that doesn't happen while dating. In addition, some things simply don't come to light until you're living under the same roof. This behavior could be one of those things.

Did things get better for you two shortly after the problems emerged? Did/Do you ever walk on eggshells not to make him mad too??

 

[Brwnbeauti]

@CafedeBelleza I agree. Thank you so much again. I'm just heartbroken right now. I feel like such a failure. I wish I could turn back time. I wish he would have done this before we got married.

We all make mistakes. Don't beat yourself up. You didn't know he'd flip the script on you.

 

[hopeful]

@melahnee

I haven't read the other responses so forgive me if it's already been said. But you need to know that this is very common! (ETA: I mean very common for abusive men to wait until they're married to show their true colors). It's one of the ways you know that they have control of themselves. He never hit you until he thought you were trapped. You need to let him know, and more importantly let yourself know, that you are not trapped, and deserve to be a free and happy young woman.

I started a thread in the Relationship Forum called How To Avoid Bad Guys and Bad Relationships Challenge.

This is a quote from my most recent post:

"Relationships with abusive and violent men --
"Silence is acceptance to a violent mind." And, "her staying equals consent in his eyes." These men have an "inability to have an equality based relationship." They have issues with power and control."

Also, you should not be embarrassed. These men are very charming and manipulative. He was intentionally hiding his true nature from you. He knew you would have never married him if he hit you or called you out of your name. Therefore, he waited. But get out now while you can. Look up the cycle of abuse and the violence wheel.

They are always sorry, promise to never do it again, all is good and wonderful, then they slowly become distant and frustrated, tension builds, then it happens again and they are so sorry, and on and on it goes.

 

[divachyk]

@melahnee, we didn't live together before marriage so we had to learn how to coexist under one roof. Year 1 was great. Year 2 was rough. We hung in there and by year 3, we learned how to make things work. It's a process. This year will be 19 years married. We've been together as a couple for well of 25 years. For you my dear, the problem isn't the disagreement. The problem is how he handles/handled the disagreement. His response isn't the norm.

 

[PrissiSippi]

I'm glad I stuck to my guns. A few weeks ago DH told me it would help him out if I paid half of the house note just for a few months to help him get his bills under control and let him pay off some stuff. I know it sounds selfish y'all but I feel like that's not my job and if I took on half of the note I would be paying it forever not just 6 months and I don't want to start that. I told him why would I do that and he got mad talking about every idea he comes up with I shoot down. So I asked him for a specific plan and reasoning behind it and he said just forget it.

I reminded him that I've taken on bills in the past and it never helped him get ahead. His problem was money management not the bills because he has a great job, plenty of skills, and many resources.

Anyway I go on here and come across my old threads. He was somewhat struggling even when he was paying g just half of the bills so me letting him do that now would just put more stress in me AND not fix the problem.

I've decided 2017 deals with letting go of stuff that has nothing to do with me. Him not figuring out how to manage his money...if the bill not in my name...has nothing to do with me. His credit score....has nothing to do with me and does not affect me. His savings...as long as he is giving me what I ask for...has nothing to do with me. If he feels broke after xyz...it's not my job to solve these problems. If it were truly a problem he would find a solution. He's super smart, resourceful, and talented. If he cared...he would fix it lol

 

[PrissiSippi]

On a positive note...man he's really stepped up. He stopped dragging his feet doing stuff and is real hands on with the baby. I see him trying (and more than trying actually really doing) and I appreciate it so much.

 

[DeepBluSea]

I'm glad I stuck to my guns. A few weeks ago DH told me it would help him out if I paid half of the house note just for a few months to help him get his bills under control and let him pay off some stuff. I know it sounds selfish y'all but I feel like that's not my job and if I took on half of the note I would be paying it forever not just 6 months and I don't want to start that. I told him why would I do that and he got mad talking about every idea he comes up with I shoot down. So I asked him for a specific plan and reasoning behind it and he said just forget it.

I reminded him that I've taken on bills in the past and it never helped him get ahead. His problem was money management not the bills because he has a great job, plenty of skills, and many resources.

Anyway I go on here and come across my old threads. He was somewhat struggling even when he was paying g just half of the bills so me letting him do that now would just put more stress in me AND not fix the problem.

I've decided 2017 deals with letting go of stuff that has nothing to do with me. Him not figuring out how to manage his money...if the bill not in my name...has nothing to do with me. His credit score....has nothing to do with me and does not affect me. His savings...as long as he is giving me what I ask for...has nothing to do with me. If he feels broke after xyz...it's not my job to solve these problems. If it were truly a problem he would find a solution. He's super smart, resourceful, and talented. If he cared...he would fix it lol

Has he ever sought financial advice from someone else? He needs to go to a financial counselor to discuss money management. Even if the stuff is not in your name, they can still consider it your debt because you are married.

For some reason, I have noticed that people in general have to hear the same advice from a neutral party in order for it to sink in. It's so frustrating. Like I BEEN telling you that but you hear it from another person and it's golden.

I usually lurk but chimed in because my family is currently dealing with situation with my sister. She went through free credit/debt counseling years ago but didn't listen. I guess because someone always bailed her out. Now she is at the end of her rope. I told her to just file bankruptcy. I'm over it.

I think you are doing the right thing. Congrats on the baby!

 

[PrissiSippi]

Has he ever sought financial advice from someone else? He needs to go to a financial counselor to discuss money management. Even if the stuff is not in your name, they can still consider it your debt because you are married.

For some reason, I have noticed that people in general have to hear the same advice from a neutral party in order for it to sink in. It's so frustrating. Like I BEEN telling you that but you hear it from another person and it's golden.

I usually lurk but chimed in because my family is currently dealing with situation with my sister. She went through free credit/debt counseling years ago but didn't listen. I guess because someone always bailed her out. Now she is at the end of her rope. I told her to just file bankruptcy. I'm over it.

I think you are doing the right thing. Congrats on the baby!

He claims it's too expensive. Excuses. His sister is good with money. I told him to maybe get her advice I mean she has accounting background lol but I don't think he wants her all in his business. I figure when he actually cares he will seek consult. Again ain't none of my problem directly at this point. I think because of his laid back personality he sees no point. We have a house, savings, two cars a piece, furniture and yada so he acts like....what do we need credit for?

 

[divachyk]

@PrissiSippi, congrats on the baby if I haven't said that. I worked in finance for many years before transitioning to a new career. Unfortunately, his debt will become your issue when you go to apply for something jointly. As mentioned by @DeepBlueSea, some of his personal debts might impact you because you're married.

 

[PrissiSippi]

@PrissiSippi, congrats on the baby if I haven't said that. I worked in finance for many years before transitioning to a new career. Unfortunately, his debt will become your issue when you go to apply for something jointly. As mentioned by @DeepBlueSea, some of his personal debts might impact you because you're married.

Thank you for the congrats. He is perfect!! I look at this pics below and almost cry.


I never apply for stuff jointly. I wanted to change that because I'm turning into my parents relationship. My dad has horrible credit and my mom has PERFECT credit. It feels like I've turned into her. She has no cares in the world. She just does her own thing and he does his. I was fighting not to be like that.

 

[divachyk]

@PrissiSippi, my friend's parents are the same and they've made it work so it's possible. I absolutely love that photo. Including the rings was icing on the cake for sure.

 

[PrissiSippi]

@PrissiSippi, my friend's parents are the same and they've made it work so it's possible. I absolutely love that photo. Including the rings was icing on the cake for sure.

The photographer is my soror and she does photography as a hobby on the side. She really outdid herself with these pictures though. They are so perfect.

 

[PrissiSippi]

Man I feel like I'm too high maintenance for this guy. First he forgets tomorrow is my birthday. Then he decides to go to work on my birthday. Then he forgets to get me anything.

Then, he told me after work he will make me something he saw. I don't like handmade gifts....maybe I'm wrong though. I'm sure I'll love it.

I understand. Christmas, then it was baby, then it was New Years and now two weeks later is my birthday. BUT you had 365 days and Bruh I just wanted a simple surprise for my bday. A Rocky Mountain chocolate factory apple, a balloon, and a card. Why can he NEVER get it right? I'm not that type of girl that's happy with telling you what I want and you just do exactly what I said. I like surprises. Small simple surprises. I want too much from the wrong type of person.

 

[divachyk]

Hey @SuchaLady, I see you sis.

@PrissiSippi, happy birthday!
My birthday is at the end of the month. Some men get it, some don't. A simple surprise goes further than a huge gift we've thought out together. P.S. I always think of Mississippi when I see your name.

 

[PrissiSippi]

Hey @SuchaLady, I see you sis.

@PrissiSippi, happy birthday!
My birthday is at the end of the month. Some men get it, some don't. A simple surprise goes further than a huge gift we've thought out together. P.S. I always think of Mississippi when I see your name.

Lol girl do you get shafted too because your bday is so close to Christmas? Yeees I'm such a simple girl. You know something I wouldn't mind getting? One of those $10 adult coloring books and some color pencils. Lol. Colors make me happy. I wish he got that.

As it relates to Mississippi, born and bred. I love it here but wouldn't mind relocating.

 

[divachyk]

Lol girl do you get shafted too because your bday is so close to Christmas? Yeees I'm such a simple girl. You know something I wouldn't mind getting? One of those $10 adult coloring books and some color pencils. Lol. Colors make me happy. I wish he got that.

As it relates to Mississippi, born and bred. I love it here but wouldn't mind relocating.

Growing up, I was somewhat gypped. My parents did the best they could though. Birthdays are a big deal to me. It's the only day that's yours...unless you have a relative born into this world on the same day. Yep, my niece was born on the same day. We generally celebrate my birthday for the entire month. We're not doing that this year given our circumstance but not to worry, once he's well, we will celebrate.

 

[Taleah2009]

@CafedeBelleza I agree. Thank you so much again. I'm just heartbroken right now. I feel like such a failure. I wish I could turn back time. I wish he would have done this before we got married.

Praying for to find direction and healing

 

[Miss617]

DH pissed me off last night and then had the nerve to ask me this morning, "So you're just not gonna talk to me?" Um, I tried to talk to you last night and you ignored me. I even apologized when I wasn't the only one in the wrong. So, nah, I'm not talking to you until you apologize and admit that you were wrong, too. If it doesn't have to do with the kid, I have nothing to say to you. I swear sometimes I wanna judo chop him in the throat.

 

[Sky]

I realize a lot of women ( including myself in the past) wanted to get married but didn't understand or really know what it meant to be a wife. I think women should ask themselves if they are ready to be wives as opposed to wanting to just " get married" and define what that means to them. I wish I had really thought about that. Then thought is the person im with deserving of my wife role. I want to be a wife now but it took almost 14 years of marriage. Being a real wife is really a lot of work but I'm sooooooo much happier knowing my role and my husband knowing his.

 

[Miss617]

BRUH. Bruh. bruh.
Why did college boy endorse me on LinkedIn?
We've been connected since 2010. Last time we spoke was 2012. Why are you doing this now?
Am I reading too much into this, or is it really weird?

 

[LivingInPeace]

I realize a lot of women ( including myself in the past) wanted to get married but didn't understand or really know what it meant to be a wife. I think women should ask themselves if they are ready to be wives as opposed to wanting to just " get married" and define what that means to them. I wish I had really thought about that. Then thought is the person im with deserving of my wife role. I want to be a wife now but it took almost 14 years of marriage. Being a real wife is really a lot of work but I'm sooooooo much happier knowing my role and my husband knowing his.

What does being a "real wife" mean to you?

 

[Foxglove]

BRUH. Bruh. bruh.
Why did college boy endorse me on LinkedIn?
We've been connected since 2010. Last time we spoke was 2012. Why are you doing this now?
Am I reading too much into this, or is it really weird?

No it's weird. It's like he's fishing for a response. First the follow and when that didn't work he did the endorsement. Next will be a message

 

[Miss617]

No it's weird. It's like he's fishing for a response. First the follow and when that didn't work he did the endorsement. Next will be a message

He betta not. Cuz I have some choice words for him. But he has to know I'm married. We have a mutual friend who was a groomsman in my wedding. Ugh! I'm annoyed. I'm past the point of wanting closure, but now his stupid face is all up in my email and profile. Go away!

 

[Sky]

What does being a "real wife" mean to you?

Initially I was very selfish and wanted a husband to meet my needs. His benefit was the grace of my presence. Like being around me because of how on point I was with my looks , money , ambition was enough in my mind. I know it might sound arrogant but I'm just keeping it 100. I was never studying my husband , like what are his needs ? What makes him tick? What does he like? I couldn't have told you how my husband likes his favorite meal because I didn't cook. And when I did it was for me. He cooked for me more than I did for him. Sex was at my discretion. I didn't want to hear about any of his fears or shortcomings. Let's hide those and talk about our next big goals or my next big dream. I was all about what I was all about ...So being a wife to me now means you study your husband. You know what he likes and LISTEN to him without acting like his mom. I am not saying I do everything he wants ( he really is very easy to be with) but I listen and truly have an open heart and good intentions. My heart is pure. I'm not trying to game or win or work at *not* being vulnerable. I cook now, I always cleaned cause I just hate mess , but now I don't complain if he doesn't straighten up like me. I understand he's a man , not a woman. I sincerely try to build on our relationship through friendship. I don't say anything to him in a tone that I wouldn't say to my best friend. I always watch my tone. I still say whatever I want but not in the way I used to. I make my home somewhere he wants to be. That means I am pleasant to be with. I make sure he's comfortable when he's at home. Again if I have an issue I will talk to him calmly and after I've prayed about it and understand my own self first to make sure the issue is really him , not me. He's not my therapist. I don't treat him as a dumping ground. I don't come home from work and dump all my issues on him and then go take hot bath and ignore him ( like I used to ). I'm just much more intentional about what I do. As a result our marriage is 1000 times better. He is soooooooo attentive to my needs , I could go on and on about how different he is now , but it's like night and day...

My whole point was that before you marry really ask yourself what does a wife look like to me? What will I have to do to please THIS man? Can i do that? What do I expect from him? Have I made this clear ? Am I trying to do back door bait and switch? Is this man worth my best wife efforts? How would I balance that with kids????

I wasn't thinking of none of that. I was thinking about the extra salary i would have access to and now unlimited unprotected sex and a companion. Don't get me wrong I loved my husband when I married him , but being married takes way more work than what I was focused on.

 

[PrissiSippi]

Y'all talked up my ex with the LinkedIn posts. He's blocked on my phone and fbook but he saw I had a baby (After he admitted he didn't want children by me because they might be disabled...hurt like hell considering his parents are both disabled). Baby is A biiiig healthy baby (almost 9 pounds now) at that so he's hitting me up like...hey stranger....why you funny acting...and now visiting my LinkedIn. I guess he feels guilty. And should.

 

[PrissiSippi]

DH looked so good yesterday. I made sure to tell him how good he looked. I tried to show him but when he got home he passed out from sleep deprivation from the baby. Lol. (Days and nights all mixed up).

He dressed up for his meeting with the VP. He never dresses up lol. I had to do a double take. And count the days til 6 weeks .

 

[Taleah2009]

It's Date Night! So excited

 

[Sky]

My husband and I are working on rebuilding our marriage and counseling has helped a lot. So ...He surprised me with a diamond studded ring that he got specially made at a jeweler. I was actually going to complain about something silly yesterday prior to him getting home. I'm soooooo glad I didn't because he was so excited to surprise me with the ring - I had no idea. The ring is beautiful and fits perfectly. He received a bonus check for Christmas and spent it on the ring. I feel so special

 

[PrissiSippi]

I've been really working on being deliberate with my words. Not tip toeing around stuff but being tactful and empathetic but truthful. I'm helping DH fix his credit report. I made a thread about it in the career board. So I'm getting all of his late payments erased that are three years old.

BUT I notice that there are quite a few late payments made in 2015 and 2016. He just legit went months without paying credit cards in these years. But the monthly payment is only like $25. So I don't get it. I think this is a mindset from his family that big bills are important (house note and car note) but all other bills are not.

I told him if he wants to improve his credit it makes no sense to fix this stuff if he's going to continue to make late payments on his credit and he needs to make a plan to not make any more late payments from here going on out and since a monthly payment is so low and he only has two credit cards this is no problem. And if he had a problem making a payment he needs to be open with me and I promise to listen without judgement and offer suggestions.

That sounds good? I feel like I did everything I need to do/ should do without babying him. Everything else on him right? And I'll casually ask him how it's going in three or four months? I'm just happy he allowed me to help him. He let me into his health too and allowed me to make some appointments for some minor things. Seems to be working so I'm happy about that. Last year he was a lot more closed and less receptive to what I had to say so I'm really trying to tread lightly.