Married Ladies Random Thoughts

Dee-Licious said:
I came in here finna post some ole happy, cheerful stuff now I'm side-eyeing and irritated for my fellow LHCF'er above.
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Girl please post happy stuff! Lol! I will always be a hopeless romantic. I love love and will always be happy for my sistas who have it! Thanks for your advice. I don't need him to change over night just baby steps. I would take baby steps if he only gave me that much. He'll do great for a week and then just falls back into old habits and this is a consistent pattern so much that I don't feel there is any point in even talking to him about it anymore. I feel he needs someone that's not me and male to help him see the error of his way but he doesn't have that person. And if I had time to tell you everything you would probably smack me. LOL But I take my vows very serious and just wish I knew how to improve things. We have so much fun when we are alone (doesn't happen often) but its when kids are back in picture he cant seem to input himself into our life and routine. For example one night I was working from home and on a call with my manager...my kids were running wild and not being bad just playing and unfortunately when I have to work at home I have to use our dining room. He was literally 6 feet away and when I asked him why he couldn't keep the kids quiet he says 'oh I didn't know you were in a meeting.' And to me its like how disconnected can you be that you don't hear me talking work on the phone 6 feet away from you? Sometimes I wonder if my expectations are simply too high for him but I don't know where that leaves us. Especially when it comes to coloring because I want that to go to the next level but it can't as long as I feel...so not in love. I want to keep my marriage but I just don't know if I can continue being this unhappy. Its not fair to anyone, me, him, or our kids. Send up prayer warriors for your girl!!
 
Taleah2009 said:
***Hugs***

I can feel how hurt and fed up you from your post. This sounds soooo fustrating. @hopeful any words of wisdom?
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From what she wrote I would say she should be focusing on the bad. And there seems to be a lot of bad. It's as though TBird is the mother to all four children and him. He seems to not have any interest in making her life easier, like zero compassion. He has become a burden to her. I honestly don't know how she does it. Work 60 hours, cook, clean, and have sex with someone she no longer loves. She will have to make herself and her children her number one priority. As long as she is worried about him and his child(ren) she will feel trapped. She has taken on far too much and feels responsible for too much. Where is his burden? What is his obligation and responsibility toward her?

By the time a wife is begging something is terribly wrong. Wives should never have to beg for anything IMO. She will have to figure out a way to regain her happiness and peace. And focusing on the positive and praying is not enough. She will have to do something. She will have to change. Because he sure as heck isn't going to do anything or change. He is happy with how things are.
 
@TBird I am sorry for what you're going through. You've gotten good advice, and I'll just add that it's not on you to improve things. It's on your DH. You're doing more than enough with no reciprocation and that's not fair to you. So I agree that you need to focus on you and your kids. Your DH will either shape up or not, and you'll know then what further steps you need to take. Good luck. :bighug:
 
To lighten the mood a bit...

My DH came home with gifts from my MIL for me, him and DS. She got me a shirt, a pair of jeans and a sweater... and a bag of sour gummy worms. I cracked up! I couldn't believe she remembered I love those. I thought that was so funny, especially since I just bought some yesterday because I was craving them LOL!
 
Miss617 said:
@TBird I am sorry for what you're going through. You've gotten good advice, and I'll just add that it's not on you to improve things. It's on your DH. You're doing more than enough with no reciprocation and that's not fair to you. So I agree that you need to focus on you and your kids. Your DH will either shape up or not, and you'll know then what further steps you need to take. Good luck. :bighug:
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Thank you
 
hopeful said:
From what she wrote I would say she should be focusing on the bad. And there seems to be a lot of bad. It's as though TBird is the mother to all four children and him. He seems to not have any interest in making her life easier, like zero compassion. He has become a burden to her. I honestly don't know how she does it. Work 60 hours, cook, clean, and have sex with someone she no longer loves. She will have to make herself and her children her number one priority. As long as she is worried about him and his child(ren) she will feel trapped. She has taken on far too much and feels responsible for too much. Where is his burden? What is his obligation and responsibility toward her?

By the time a wife is begging something is terribly wrong. Wives should never have to beg for anything IMO. She will have to figure out a way to regain her happiness and peace. And focusing on the positive and praying is not enough. She will have to do something. She will have to change. Because he sure as heck isn't going to do anything or change. He is happy with how things are.
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Yes he is. And why not? Im a helluva wife if i do say so myself. I want to be that but i need the same. And yes i am still raising a 40 yr old man. I realized recently this man has been spoiled by everyone. Mom dad friends girlfriends the ex wife. Literally everyone has made everything about him and its what he knows. He was never taught consideration or thoughtfulness and now im so exhausted i dont even address it with him anymore. But you are right. I have to do different for my peace. Will keep you all posted once i figure out what that is. Funny thing is they say women marry men like dad and i have done just that so unintentionally. And my poor mom has put up with way worse for 4 decades. Sheesh. I dont want that for my daughter.
 
TBird said:
Girl please post happy stuff! Lol! I will always be a hopeless romantic. I love love and will always be happy for my sistas who have it! Thanks for your advice. I don't need him to change over night just baby steps. I would take baby steps if he only gave me that much. He'll do great for a week and then just falls back into old habits and this is a consistent pattern so much that I don't feel there is any point in even talking to him about it anymore. I feel he needs someone that's not me and male to help him see the error of his way but he doesn't have that person. And if I had time to tell you everything you would probably smack me. LOL But I take my vows very serious and just wish I knew how to improve things. We have so much fun when we are alone (doesn't happen often) but its when kids are back in picture he cant seem to input himself into our life and routine. For example one night I was working from home and on a call with my manager...my kids were running wild and not being bad just playing and unfortunately when I have to work at home I have to use our dining room. He was literally 6 feet away and when I asked him why he couldn't keep the kids quiet he says 'oh I didn't know you were in a meeting.' And to me its like how disconnected can you be that you don't hear me talking work on the phone 6 feet away from you? Sometimes I wonder if my expectations are simply too high for him but I don't know where that leaves us. Especially when it comes to coloring because I want that to go to the next level but it can't as long as I feel...so not in love. I want to keep my marriage but I just don't know if I can continue being this unhappy. Its not fair to anyone, me, him, or our kids. Send up prayer warriors for your girl!!
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Have you guys tried counseling?
 
@TBird

He's comfortable because you have been doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship.

For some types of men, you need to rip the bandage off.

First decide if you are actually ready to face the consequences of what rocking the current dynamics may bring on.

Have three main areas/talking points you want to address. Then have a Come to Jesus discussion with him. Don't let him derail or try to shift blame to you.

Stop making his life too comfortable. He's not acting like the husband you need, so he doesn't deserve a wife who catering to him. Frankly he doesn't deserve sex either.
 
melahnee said:
It was our first night as a married couple. I feel Blessed and it still feels unreal. Waking up next to MY husband makes me feel so :2inlove: Happy marriages to all. Nothing that is worthwhile is ever easy. "Without suffering, there'd be no compassion." (Pep talks from our parents:drunk::laugh:)
12-30-16 :rose:
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That is so awesome. Congrats. May God forever bless your union. Communication and Compromise is key would be my pep talk.
 
divachyk said:
That is so awesome. Congrats. May God forever bless your union. Communication and Compromise is key would be my pep talk.
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Thank you!:heart: We both know and have seen first-hand that it's not easy to stay together forever, but I truly believe we will be able to deal with the obstacles that life will throw at us and grow from them :love2: Thank you so much for your Blessing :rose:
 
I feel kinda bad. I got a full night of rest from 12-6:45 I sleep exactly right next to the baby and didn't hear him cry except once so that means DH been holding him all night lol. DH is making a 360 change with DS. I wonder will this last because mannnn it makes life so much easier. I miss the dog though lol. He's away at my brother's with my niece and nephew so it kinda quiet around here.
 
PrissiSippi said:
I feel kinda bad. I got a full night of rest from 12-6:45 I sleep exactly right next to the baby and didn't hear him cry except once so that means DH been holding him all night lol. DH is making a 360 change with DS. I wonder will this last because mannnn it makes life so much easier. I miss the dog though lol. He's away at my brother's with my niece and nephew so it kinda quiet around here.
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Glad you are getting some rest!
 
Congrats @PrissiSippi

Don't feel bad, u still recovering. Also this is a good opportunity for ur husband to step up and look after ur wellbeing.

Don't be a rush to takeover, and don't try to takeover. Show ur husband the basics of what needs to be done in baby caring and let him do it in his own way.

This is the time to give him the baby at every spare opportunity. He'll get use to it.

I repeat..... DO NOT TAKEOVER TOTAL CHILDCARE.

If u do, you'll be complaining in a couple of months how your the one doing everything.
 
NijaG said:
@TBird

He's comfortable because you have been doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship.

For some types of men, you need to rip the bandage off.

First decide if you are actually ready to face the consequences of what rocking the current dynamics may bring on.

Have three main areas/talking points you want to address. Then have a Come to Jesus discussion with him. Don't let him derail or try to shift blame to you.

Stop making his life too comfortable. He's not acting like the husband you need, so he doesn't deserve a wife who catering to him. Frankly he doesn't deserve sex either.
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This. And @TBird you said at least he's not cheating --- don't make your standards so low. It should be a given that your husband is faithful - we as wives should expect that AND at the same time I don't put nothing past a man. That's just me. I'll never be the one to say my man would never xyz. But at any rate yes take care of YOU and release the need to make him comfortable and prepare yourself mentally for the scenario you'd rather not face. Once I started to get myself right , I went to church more , thought about what I wanted , played out how I would protect and love more and explain to my kids if we separated and realized HE was the one with the issue - God moved in my life. Things came to a head and I was prepared to walk - happily , amicably and in a dignified manner. Not even mad - just like naw this can't be what God wants for me. So we had our come to Jesus moment and I was able to receive some of my shortcomings that were contributing to the crazy as well. Now the hard part is that an immature male ( notice I didn't say man) will either step up and become a man or step out the way and finish playing games. Great. Either way you can get clarity on what to do next. My husband stepped up. But there was no way in hell he was going to do that without me getting myself right and setting some for real boundaries in the relationship . Men know when we are for real. Get real with him and he'll get real too about where he really stands.
 
Sky said:
This. And @TBird you said at least he's not cheating --- don't make your standards so low. It should be a given that your husband is faithful - we as wives should expect that AND at the same time I don't put nothing past a man. That's just me. I'll never be the one to say my man would never xyz. But at any rate yes take care of YOU and release the need to make him comfortable and prepare yourself mentally for the scenario you'd rather not face. Once I started to get myself right , I went to church more , thought about what I wanted , played out how I would protect and love more and explain to my kids if we separated and realized HE was the one with the issue - God moved in my life. Things came to a head and I was prepared to walk - happily , amicably and in a dignified manner. Not even mad - just like naw this can't be what God wants for me. So we had our come to Jesus moment and I was able to receive some of my shortcomings that were contributing to the crazy as well. Now the hard part is that an immature male ( notice I didn't say man) will either step up and become a man or step out the way and finish playing games. Great. Either way you can get clarity on what to do next. My husband stepped up. But there was no way in hell he was going to do that without me getting myself right and setting some for real boundaries in the relationship . Men know when we are for real. Get real with him and he'll get real too about where he really stands.
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Thanks @Sky. I appreciate what you said and receive it. Regarding the cheating I just meant when I was less mature myself I couldn't see why someone would want to end their marriage outside of infidelity, lack of provision, or abuse. I wasn't giving him credit for being faithful I was just trying to express that he's not a bad person he's just severely immature and self-centered. We had it out and I told him what I need and I've told him the consequences of not providing that and I've already started making moves to ensure I hold my end of the bargain. You are so right that men know when they can keep pushing you and I'm done being pushed over. His first reaction is also to defend himself not accept responsibility and when he started with that I went on and called him out. You can't be using the same defense you used when we talked about this 2 years ago, 1 year ago, 6 months ago, 3 months ago. Doesn't work homie try again...smdh Just like a child. Girl after day 1 he was expressing his frustration about my lack of excitement over his 'efforts' and that hurt me because if you're frustrated after one day of stepping out of your box I don't know how we'll survive because its going to be a frustrating process for us both. Yall I do NOT condone any type of abuse but during our discussion he sat down in front of me and said 'hit me, i deserve it' I wailed off and couldn't stop myself. He broke down because he says he didn't realize THAT was how I felt that I wanted to cause him physical pain. I am not proud of that moment but he has taken me there. I'm sure I hurt his pride more than anything but it did kinda feel good. Maybe I need a punching bag in my house to workout and relieve stress. Anyway I told him I will receive his efforts but there is not a lot of room for error because we've had this same argument for YEARS! So I will be making this uncomfortable for HIM as @NijaG suggested, there is a set time for significant improvements and efforts to be realized, and a plan in place should that not happen. But this is also a time for me to do different. Stick to my word, and stick to those boundaries. It is my hope and prayer that this struggle brings forth more maturity from us both and brings about a new level of love, commitment, and strength in our marriage. Ladies, I really appreciate the thoughtful advice each of you has given. Not one of you said 'leave that clown' even if you thought it and I so appreciate that. I hate when that's someone's advice. I will keep you all updated. Of course he's being all extra right now because we just had this talk and I'm sure he's wanting to color but that's how it always goes. He gotta show and prove. I will keep you updated!
 
TBird said:
Thanks @Sky. I appreciate what you said and receive it. Regarding the cheating I just meant when I was less mature myself I couldn't see why someone would want to end their marriage outside of infidelity, lack of provision, or abuse. I wasn't giving him credit for being faithful I was just trying to express that he's not a bad person he's just severely immature and self-centered. We had it out and I told him what I need and I've told him the consequences of not providing that and I've already started making moves to ensure I hold my end of the bargain. You are so right that men know when they can keep pushing you and I'm done being pushed over. His first reaction is also to defend himself not accept responsibility and when he started with that I went on and called him out. You can't be using the same defense you used when we talked about this 2 years ago, 1 year ago, 6 months ago, 3 months ago. Doesn't work homie try again...smdh Just like a child. Girl after day 1 he was expressing his frustration about my lack of excitement over his 'efforts' and that hurt me because if you're frustrated after one day of stepping out of your box I don't know how we'll survive because its going to be a frustrating process for us both. Yall I do NOT condone any type of abuse but during our discussion he sat down in front of me and said 'hit me, i deserve it' I wailed off and couldn't stop myself. He broke down because he says he didn't realize THAT was how I felt that I wanted to cause him physical pain. I am not proud of that moment but he has taken me there. I'm sure I hurt his pride more than anything but it did kinda feel good. Maybe I need a punching bag in my house to workout and relieve stress. Anyway I told him I will receive his efforts but there is not a lot of room for error because we've had this same argument for YEARS! So I will be making this uncomfortable for HIM as @NijaG suggested, there is a set time for significant improvements and efforts to be realized, and a plan in place should that not happen. But this is also a time for me to do different. Stick to my word, and stick to those boundaries. It is my hope and prayer that this struggle brings forth more maturity from us both and brings about a new level of love, commitment, and strength in our marriage. Ladies, I really appreciate the thoughtful advice each of you has given. Not one of you said 'leave that clown' even if you thought it and I so appreciate that. I hate when that's someone's advice. I will keep you all updated. Of course he's being all extra right now because we just had this talk and I'm sure he's wanting to color but that's how it always goes. He gotta show and prove. I will keep you updated!
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Thanks for your honesty. Wishing you nothing but the best. Trust me I know your frustration. Since people won't change until they are ready , know that everything you are doing is for YOU, not to teach him a lesson necessarily , but to build you up so you can really be clear about what you really want and feel that you deserve the best. That was hard for me. But when I stopped focusing on my husband and started to get myself right it all fell into place. Let your actions be your words. If you've been saying the same thing for years and it didn't make a difference then know that you have given your power away in effort to get him to change and you deciding to change yourself through actions and not repeating yourself is taking your power back. Trust me again - I know the pain. But I promise the other side of that is so much more peaceful so much more fulfilling , even if it doesn't work out as we want. I just had faith that what was best for me would be done and just stopped making him the prize. And a lot of issues and unforgiveness came up for me dealing with my dad which is a whole other thread lol ... Also find supportive friends ( like you said not ones who just say leave him and make you feel inferior ) but ones who can truly be there for you to listen and build you up. Sending good vibes your way ((tbird)).
 
@TBird

You've taken the first step. Now its just one day at a time, keeping your ultimate needs/desires in mind.
Don't feel bad for hitting him, deep down he knows he deserves that and more. He can take it. Men often take advantage of a decent woman's desire for keeping their marriage and relationship (especially when kids are involved) together. This can also be exacerbated when they are confident that you are not the type to go cheating on them at the first sign of problems.

You don't have to be a saint or perfect to deserve a husband who puts your wants/needs at the forefront of his mind.
 
@TBird
(((Hugs))) Wishing you all the best! Take good care of yourself and love on you. You deserve your heart's desires. I'm not sure if you've seen my thread about avoiding dangerous men, but one of the types of dangerous men is one that enjoys being the child in the relationship. They essentially abuse women by burdening them down with all of the grown up tasks in the relationship. But they appear to be good and decent. It's all about the outcome. Whether cheating, beating, manipulating, not working, drinking, gambling, etc., it has the same outcome of the man doing what he wants and the woman feeling unloved, lonely, unsupported, burdened down, and preoccupied with him and what he's doing or not doing. So you be strong and stand up for you and the peace, happiness, love, and support you deserve. I really wish you all the best. We will look forward to your updates.

Also it's good that you know he is being extra good right now and are not falling for his good behavior. You should not have to cheerlead and praise every little thing he does either. He is an adult and doing what he's supposed to do. No one is putting on a parade after you work 60 hours, cook, clean, take your son to get his hair cut etc. Try to pull back the lens and observe what's going on in your relationship from a distance so that you can see yourself, him, and the kids. I call it being an observer instead of just a participant. Hopefully that will give you perspective and objectivity. Relationships are supposed to be reciprocal, not one-sided. Here's hoping 2017 will bring you the support and love you deserve.
 
@NijaG @hopeful ladies I can not express how much your advice and encouragement means. I have felt at such a loss I have no idea why I didn't talk to you guys sooner!! Here is to a happier TBird in 2017! Thank you so so much!!! I'm sending hugs as well! @hopeful you spoke that truth maam in that last post! YES!!! I will touch base in a month or so to let you know how things are going! You ladies rock! TRULY!
 
So I'm at lunch showing yt coworker my Apple Watch and she's like I hope you got him more than those golf accessories you talked about. Bih you go ahead and keep tit for tatting for that man that you're engaged to that you scooped up out of his aunt's basement.
What's that y'all ladies be saying, tchip? I think that's it- gone get on do' you get spit on. (I wouldn't do that, that's just how I was feeling)
 
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