Married ladies - Advice for single women?
- Thread starter Glib Gurl
- Start date
I was just talking to my mother about marriage advice. She's been married several times.
I was telling her that I had watched her and my aunts in their marriages (5 women - 11 marraiges) and believe that I should do the same things when I got married. Examples of the way they were, mean, controlling, overall not very positive people. I decided after a couple of months of seeing how that didn't work that I would try my own thing. And from there I learned to treat him the way I want to be treated, always give my best, do everything in love (ex don't say, You never empty the trash, I always have to tell you what to do, you get on my nerves....instead say honey, could get take out the trash).
Find a hobby
Let him do his own thing sometimes
love alot
have good sex
love alot more
don't depend on him for your happiness
I was telling her that I had watched her and my aunts in their marriages (5 women - 11 marraiges) and believe that I should do the same things when I got married. Examples of the way they were, mean, controlling, overall not very positive people. I decided after a couple of months of seeing how that didn't work that I would try my own thing. And from there I learned to treat him the way I want to be treated, always give my best, do everything in love (ex don't say, You never empty the trash, I always have to tell you what to do, you get on my nerves....instead say honey, could get take out the trash).
Find a hobby
Let him do his own thing sometimes
love alot
have good sex
love alot more
don't depend on him for your happiness
JFemme
Well-Known Member
Morning, GG
Your post reminded me of this essay I posted sometime ago, but rings eternal...
Single or No...
--------------------------------------------------
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Single Woman's Manifesto - Kiini Ibura Salaam
1. I will take full advantage of being single:
Being single is not a training ground for being in a relationship. Nor is it a death sentence. I will not squander my single years by obsessing and praying and strategizing on how to get a man. I will instead take unexpected, unannounced trips; I will host impromptu dinner parties; I will turn off my phone; I will stay out late; I will stay in for the entire weekend; I will relocate for a month or two; I will talk out loud to myself; I will write a novel; I will take last minute invitations even if I am already in bed; I will commit myself to something that delights me, writing, painting, volunteering, gardening; I will have full relationships with my friends; I will sleep on the sofa instead of the bed without explaining why; I will have overnight guests. I will do anything that it occurs to me to do without checking with someone else, because that is the gift of being single.
2. I will not put relationships on a pedestal:
Being single and being in a relationship are states of being. I will not hold being in a relationship more sacred than being alone. There is a time in life for partnership, there is also a time for solitude. I will acknowledge and appreciate the work involved in each state of being. I will remember that relationships require attention, consideration, and commitment. I will not forget the sacrifices and compromises required in partnership. As I sleep alone, I will remember the difficulties of sharing my bed. As I shop alone, I will remember the burden of shopping for two. I will remember that, when partnered, there are moments when what I want most is to be alone.
3. I will not put being single on a pedestal:
While I will not strain against the reigns of singledom, neither will I fanatically claim that being single is better than being in a relationship. I will delight in romantic invitations. I will approach men I find interesting and intriguing. I will not be afraid to step into a relationship should some divine opportunity appear in my path. I will communicate my feelings of attraction and interest. I will be genuinely displeased, but not disheartened, when my interest is not returned. I understand that humans are communal beings and do not deny the divineness of being in communion with a mate.
4. I will not covet coupledom:
I will not be a bitter single woman. When I see a woman resting happily in her man's arms, I will not feel ugliness, jealousy and self-pity. I will not use manifestations of love as signals to berate myself for not having a man. I will not be so self-centered that I can not congratulate friends when they find positive relationships. I will take genuine pleasure in the manifestations of love around me. I will remember that relationships that are perfect for others are not perfect for me. I will remember that even the most perfect relationships take serious committed work to maintain. I have faith in God/the universe/myself. I trust that my life is unfolding as it should. Both partnership and singledom is right on time in my world.
5. I will not view every man I meet as a potential mate:
I release myself from the pressure of interviewing every man I meet for potential partnership. I will not expend valuable social energy sizing up men and wondering if they could be the future I had been waiting for. I give up the frantic state of looking. I renege the game of constant seeking. I will relax in social situations taking pleasure in human interactions with both men and women.
6. I will not compromise my interests:
I will not go on dates purely for entertainment. I will not date married, involved, or disinterested men. I will remember that only single interested men can offer me the attention and commitment I deserve and desire. I will not be bullied into sex, dates, or a relationship that does not interest me.
7. I will turn the magnifying glass on myself:
I commit my single time to exploring the cracks and crevices of myself. I will study my desires. I will learn how to make myself happy. I will nourish my body, feed my soul and water my spirit. I will strengthen my foundations. I will build a temple to myself. I take on the task and responsibility of fulfilling myself with gusto and excitement. I commit to joyful self-maintenance eternally, especially when partnered.
8. I will celebrate love wherever it is to be found:
Everyone in my life will feel the presence of love. I will express my appreciation and love to family, friends, potential mates, and ex-partners. I will celebrate friends' good fortune in romance with as much gusto as I celebrate the birth of a child. I know that love being shared anywhere means there's more love being expressed in the world. The more love is expressed in the world, the more opportunities I have to revel in it. More love anywhere means more love for me.
Kiini Ibura Salaam
is a writer, painter, and human being extraordinaire.
learn more about her writing at kiiniibura.com.
~~~~~~~
(I'm not sure, but I believe shes since turned this essay into a book.)
http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=14249&highlight=manifesto
((hugz, Chica))
Your post reminded me of this essay I posted sometime ago, but rings eternal...
Single or No...
--------------------------------------------------
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Single Woman's Manifesto - Kiini Ibura Salaam
1. I will take full advantage of being single:
Being single is not a training ground for being in a relationship. Nor is it a death sentence. I will not squander my single years by obsessing and praying and strategizing on how to get a man. I will instead take unexpected, unannounced trips; I will host impromptu dinner parties; I will turn off my phone; I will stay out late; I will stay in for the entire weekend; I will relocate for a month or two; I will talk out loud to myself; I will write a novel; I will take last minute invitations even if I am already in bed; I will commit myself to something that delights me, writing, painting, volunteering, gardening; I will have full relationships with my friends; I will sleep on the sofa instead of the bed without explaining why; I will have overnight guests. I will do anything that it occurs to me to do without checking with someone else, because that is the gift of being single.
2. I will not put relationships on a pedestal:
Being single and being in a relationship are states of being. I will not hold being in a relationship more sacred than being alone. There is a time in life for partnership, there is also a time for solitude. I will acknowledge and appreciate the work involved in each state of being. I will remember that relationships require attention, consideration, and commitment. I will not forget the sacrifices and compromises required in partnership. As I sleep alone, I will remember the difficulties of sharing my bed. As I shop alone, I will remember the burden of shopping for two. I will remember that, when partnered, there are moments when what I want most is to be alone.
3. I will not put being single on a pedestal:
While I will not strain against the reigns of singledom, neither will I fanatically claim that being single is better than being in a relationship. I will delight in romantic invitations. I will approach men I find interesting and intriguing. I will not be afraid to step into a relationship should some divine opportunity appear in my path. I will communicate my feelings of attraction and interest. I will be genuinely displeased, but not disheartened, when my interest is not returned. I understand that humans are communal beings and do not deny the divineness of being in communion with a mate.
4. I will not covet coupledom:
I will not be a bitter single woman. When I see a woman resting happily in her man's arms, I will not feel ugliness, jealousy and self-pity. I will not use manifestations of love as signals to berate myself for not having a man. I will not be so self-centered that I can not congratulate friends when they find positive relationships. I will take genuine pleasure in the manifestations of love around me. I will remember that relationships that are perfect for others are not perfect for me. I will remember that even the most perfect relationships take serious committed work to maintain. I have faith in God/the universe/myself. I trust that my life is unfolding as it should. Both partnership and singledom is right on time in my world.
5. I will not view every man I meet as a potential mate:
I release myself from the pressure of interviewing every man I meet for potential partnership. I will not expend valuable social energy sizing up men and wondering if they could be the future I had been waiting for. I give up the frantic state of looking. I renege the game of constant seeking. I will relax in social situations taking pleasure in human interactions with both men and women.
6. I will not compromise my interests:
I will not go on dates purely for entertainment. I will not date married, involved, or disinterested men. I will remember that only single interested men can offer me the attention and commitment I deserve and desire. I will not be bullied into sex, dates, or a relationship that does not interest me.
7. I will turn the magnifying glass on myself:
I commit my single time to exploring the cracks and crevices of myself. I will study my desires. I will learn how to make myself happy. I will nourish my body, feed my soul and water my spirit. I will strengthen my foundations. I will build a temple to myself. I take on the task and responsibility of fulfilling myself with gusto and excitement. I commit to joyful self-maintenance eternally, especially when partnered.
8. I will celebrate love wherever it is to be found:
Everyone in my life will feel the presence of love. I will express my appreciation and love to family, friends, potential mates, and ex-partners. I will celebrate friends' good fortune in romance with as much gusto as I celebrate the birth of a child. I know that love being shared anywhere means there's more love being expressed in the world. The more love is expressed in the world, the more opportunities I have to revel in it. More love anywhere means more love for me.
Kiini Ibura Salaam
is a writer, painter, and human being extraordinaire.
learn more about her writing at kiiniibura.com.
~~~~~~~
(I'm not sure, but I believe shes since turned this essay into a book.)
http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=14249&highlight=manifesto
((hugz, Chica))
Monigirl
New Member
What I did before I met my husband was made a list of everything I wanted in a man: looks, christian beliefs, sexual chemistry, etc.... and placed it in my bible and prayed over it often and 2 years later I met my DH. When I look back at the prayer request I laugh b/c majority of it fits him to a T.
But I should of asked the Lord for some little extras like: singing abilities & guitar playing. LOL!!!
But I should of asked the Lord for some little extras like: singing abilities & guitar playing. LOL!!!
Always~Wear~Joy
Well-Known Member
Morning, GG
Your post reminded me of this essay I posted sometime ago, but rings eternal...
Single or No...
--------------------------------------------------
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Single Woman's Manifesto - Kiini Ibura Salaam
1. I will take full advantage of being single:
Being single is not a training ground for being in a relationship. Nor is it a death sentence. I will not squander my single years by obsessing and praying and strategizing on how to get a man. I will instead take unexpected, unannounced trips; I will host impromptu dinner parties; I will turn off my phone; I will stay out late; I will stay in for the entire weekend; I will relocate for a month or two; I will talk out loud to myself; I will write a novel; I will take last minute invitations even if I am already in bed; I will commit myself to something that delights me, writing, painting, volunteering, gardening; I will have full relationships with my friends; I will sleep on the sofa instead of the bed without explaining why; I will have overnight guests. I will do anything that it occurs to me to do without checking with someone else, because that is the gift of being single.
2. I will not put relationships on a pedestal:
Being single and being in a relationship are states of being. I will not hold being in a relationship more sacred than being alone. There is a time in life for partnership, there is also a time for solitude. I will acknowledge and appreciate the work involved in each state of being. I will remember that relationships require attention, consideration, and commitment. I will not forget the sacrifices and compromises required in partnership. As I sleep alone, I will remember the difficulties of sharing my bed. As I shop alone, I will remember the burden of shopping for two. I will remember that, when partnered, there are moments when what I want most is to be alone.
3. I will not put being single on a pedestal:
While I will not strain against the reigns of singledom, neither will I fanatically claim that being single is better than being in a relationship. I will delight in romantic invitations. I will approach men I find interesting and intriguing. I will not be afraid to step into a relationship should some divine opportunity appear in my path. I will communicate my feelings of attraction and interest. I will be genuinely displeased, but not disheartened, when my interest is not returned. I understand that humans are communal beings and do not deny the divineness of being in communion with a mate.
4. I will not covet coupledom:
I will not be a bitter single woman. When I see a woman resting happily in her man's arms, I will not feel ugliness, jealousy and self-pity. I will not use manifestations of love as signals to berate myself for not having a man. I will not be so self-centered that I can not congratulate friends when they find positive relationships. I will take genuine pleasure in the manifestations of love around me. I will remember that relationships that are perfect for others are not perfect for me. I will remember that even the most perfect relationships take serious committed work to maintain. I have faith in God/the universe/myself. I trust that my life is unfolding as it should. Both partnership and singledom is right on time in my world.
5. I will not view every man I meet as a potential mate:
I release myself from the pressure of interviewing every man I meet for potential partnership. I will not expend valuable social energy sizing up men and wondering if they could be the future I had been waiting for. I give up the frantic state of looking. I renege the game of constant seeking. I will relax in social situations taking pleasure in human interactions with both men and women.
6. I will not compromise my interests:
I will not go on dates purely for entertainment. I will not date married, involved, or disinterested men. I will remember that only single interested men can offer me the attention and commitment I deserve and desire. I will not be bullied into sex, dates, or a relationship that does not interest me.
7. I will turn the magnifying glass on myself:
I commit my single time to exploring the cracks and crevices of myself. I will study my desires. I will learn how to make myself happy. I will nourish my body, feed my soul and water my spirit. I will strengthen my foundations. I will build a temple to myself. I take on the task and responsibility of fulfilling myself with gusto and excitement. I commit to joyful self-maintenance eternally, especially when partnered.
8. I will celebrate love wherever it is to be found:
Everyone in my life will feel the presence of love. I will express my appreciation and love to family, friends, potential mates, and ex-partners. I will celebrate friends' good fortune in romance with as much gusto as I celebrate the birth of a child. I know that love being shared anywhere means there's more love being expressed in the world. The more love is expressed in the world, the more opportunities I have to revel in it. More love anywhere means more love for me.
Kiini Ibura Salaam
is a writer, painter, and human being extraordinaire.
learn more about her writing at kiiniibura.com.
~~~~~~~
(I'm not sure, but I believe shes since turned this essay into a book.)
http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=14249&highlight=manifesto
((hugz, Chica))
bumping because this is a good read
mscocoface
Well-Known Member
One of the things I learned about singleness I read in a book from Myles Monroe called Single, Married, Separated and Life after Divorce
Set some goals and work those goals. Questions to ask yourself.
How is your credit?
What does your debt look like?
Have you finished school? Do you need to?
What job opportunities could you explore?
What does your spiritual life look like?
Just those alone could keep a person focused and busy trying to be the best person they could be so that when you do find someone suitable you may look for someone in the same situation trying to better themselves.
Focus on you and being all that you can be before you get married, you may not get all of these things done before you find your mate, but you will be on a good path.
Set some goals and work those goals. Questions to ask yourself.
How is your credit?
What does your debt look like?
Have you finished school? Do you need to?
What job opportunities could you explore?
What does your spiritual life look like?
Just those alone could keep a person focused and busy trying to be the best person they could be so that when you do find someone suitable you may look for someone in the same situation trying to better themselves.
Focus on you and being all that you can be before you get married, you may not get all of these things done before you find your mate, but you will be on a good path.
MD_Lady
Well-Known Member
~ Establish your own life (i.e. friends, hobbies, etc.) as a single person and look to maintain it after you get married.
~ See what a man shows you, not what you want to see.
~ Understand that wanting to be in a relationship is okay. Wanting a relationship for the purpose of validation is not.
~ Live your single life to the fullest because things will change (and not always for the better) after you get married.
~ See what a man shows you, not what you want to see.
~ Understand that wanting to be in a relationship is okay. Wanting a relationship for the purpose of validation is not.
~ Live your single life to the fullest because things will change (and not always for the better) after you get married.
prettyFine
New Member
think highly of yourself. don't look for the dude to make you feel worthy. start with you.
you pick the man. don't let the man necessarily pick you. don't settle for anyone who wants you. only select someone worthy of being your companion.
don't look for the dude. pray about it and live your life. if you look to hard you likely will it up and end up with just that. some mess.
place yourself in a position to be worthy of marraige. have assets of your own. be independent. have something to offer.
you pick the man. don't let the man necessarily pick you. don't settle for anyone who wants you. only select someone worthy of being your companion.
don't look for the dude. pray about it and live your life. if you look to hard you likely will it up and end up with just that. some mess.
place yourself in a position to be worthy of marraige. have assets of your own. be independent. have something to offer.
Minty
Well-Known Member
I have read some of what others have posted and I must say it is not 'simple' as this. Being married for more than a few years to the same man....is a journey and is work. To get to the point of being married, I will speak to someone as if I were speaking to myself so long ago:
Do not think of this man in comparison to another. In fact, do not "date" or have "a man" - because dear, if he were you your "man", he'd be your husband. Getting caught up in relationships skews the vision and takes away one's energy from learning and conquering the self.
In this be patient. There are many kinds of relationships, some will fulfill a bit of your desires and others will destroy. Beware of the lopsided love affair, wherein all you see appears good, but you know there is something missing. Those nagging issues will reveal themselves, but there is no need to wait, when you already know. A man has a smile for everything, it is when he is not smiling that he truly reveals himself.
Judge a man by the company he keeps. If he does not keep company - you will be that company, are you prepared for a life of solitude? If he does not keep company, why is that?
Who are you to make judgment calls? Where are you lacking, be honest with yourself. Are you untrustworthy, of course you are! Where are your faults - fight against them, bring them in line.
How you get him is how you will lose him. If the relationship came about in dishonest means, it will end so the same.
Seek balance.
If you are single, I truly hope that these words will bring benefit to you.
Do not think of this man in comparison to another. In fact, do not "date" or have "a man" - because dear, if he were you your "man", he'd be your husband. Getting caught up in relationships skews the vision and takes away one's energy from learning and conquering the self.
In this be patient. There are many kinds of relationships, some will fulfill a bit of your desires and others will destroy. Beware of the lopsided love affair, wherein all you see appears good, but you know there is something missing. Those nagging issues will reveal themselves, but there is no need to wait, when you already know. A man has a smile for everything, it is when he is not smiling that he truly reveals himself.
Judge a man by the company he keeps. If he does not keep company - you will be that company, are you prepared for a life of solitude? If he does not keep company, why is that?
Who are you to make judgment calls? Where are you lacking, be honest with yourself. Are you untrustworthy, of course you are! Where are your faults - fight against them, bring them in line.
How you get him is how you will lose him. If the relationship came about in dishonest means, it will end so the same.
Seek balance.
If you are single, I truly hope that these words will bring benefit to you.
letitgrow0702
New Member
- Never marry a man with hopes that he will change once you get married. What you see is what you get.
- Keep family and single friends out of your business. Find one or two people to confide in who have the same morals and beliefs as you. Preferably these people will not be family.
- Live your single life like you are married. You never know who is watching.
- Never move a woman into your home. There is only one queen in a castle.
- Pick and choose your battles.
- Make sure you both have a clear understanding that no one comes before eitheir of you except for God. Yes ladies that includes your kids.
CarefreeinChicago
Well-Known Member
Every mariage is not a healthy one.
Minty
Well-Known Member
Yes letitgrow YES....
And on the keeping out of the business part - its just plain backbiting. If he's not the one, why do you need validation from other people - let it go.
Ladies if you are on the receiving end of a "complainer" tell her to dump him and move on. If that doesn't shut her up tell her you plain ole do not want to know about her personal business and shut it down.
Yup! just like that. And this goes especially if she is married!
If your family approves of him that's great, if they do not, don't shut them out, but have them lay out what it is they 'see.'
I don't understand the living life like your married part though letitgrow (?) If you mean like I used to wear a wedding ring on the train when I was single so I wouldn't be harassed...then yea.
*****One more from me....don't be bitter. Take responsibility for your relationships (the one's that were terrible, horrible, what in the world - kind of relationships) and own up to your part in its creation. Don't be bitter, it will not bring you happiness.
And on the keeping out of the business part - its just plain backbiting. If he's not the one, why do you need validation from other people - let it go.
Ladies if you are on the receiving end of a "complainer" tell her to dump him and move on. If that doesn't shut her up tell her you plain ole do not want to know about her personal business and shut it down.
Yup! just like that. And this goes especially if she is married!If your family approves of him that's great, if they do not, don't shut them out, but have them lay out what it is they 'see.'
I don't understand the living life like your married part though letitgrow (?) If you mean like I used to wear a wedding ring on the train when I was single so I wouldn't be harassed...then yea.
*****One more from me....don't be bitter. Take responsibility for your relationships (the one's that were terrible, horrible, what in the world - kind of relationships) and own up to your part in its creation. Don't be bitter, it will not bring you happiness.
mxdchiq86
New Member
let your husband find you.
i have a lot of friends that are desperately looking for '' the one ''. in turn, they percieve every guy they run across to be the one.. and are let down time and time again. i never cared much for marriage/relationships and my husband came to me 3 yrs ago. have standards. be picky.. but, know when to let your wall down. your future husband will not be perfect. we're all humans and we're all flaws. just make sure that you can deal with his flawed.
oh yeah, and our year anniversary is coming up and i think it's safe to say, the first year of marriage is the hardest. then again, i've heard it's the first 5 yrs.. ;( it's hard adjusting to merging lives with someone else.
i have a lot of friends that are desperately looking for '' the one ''. in turn, they percieve every guy they run across to be the one.. and are let down time and time again. i never cared much for marriage/relationships and my husband came to me 3 yrs ago. have standards. be picky.. but, know when to let your wall down. your future husband will not be perfect. we're all humans and we're all flaws. just make sure that you can deal with his flawed.
oh yeah, and our year anniversary is coming up and i think it's safe to say, the first year of marriage is the hardest. then again, i've heard it's the first 5 yrs.. ;( it's hard adjusting to merging lives with someone else.
Last edited:
Lucie
Dancin' on sunshine!
- Enjoy your own company. If you are waiting for a man to complete you, it will never work out. God gave you all the limbs and faculties you needed. So you are ALREADY whole. It is my #1 relationship pet peeve, when women think a man makes them whole/complete.
- Let him have his space. If he tells you he doesn't want to talk, don't force him to. I learned this the hard way.
- Do not be financially dependent on him. Not to say that you need to plan on a divorce, but Judge Judy calls it Divorce Insurance. Make sure you will be able to maintain with/without him. So many are trapped in marriages because they can't afford to leave
- Don't do anything behind his back, that you wouldn't do to his face. If you wouldn't flirt in front of him, don't do it behind him either.
- Learn to compromise. Don't crap all over his interests. Okay, you may not like football, but is it really because you dislike it or because you just don't understand it? Make an attempt to learn about his interests.
- Learn to keep your man's business to yourself. You don't have to tell your BFF every move he made from the minute he woke up.
- Do the things that you did in the beginning. If you went dancing once a week, don't let it get to the point of being only once a year.
- Show him how you are to be treated. My husband has never called me a bad word, or done anything blatantly disrespectful to me. Even when he disagrees with me, he keeps it respectful. It really bothers me when I see men put their women down.
- Do not lecture him in public/private. He is not your child/student.
- Have your own activities. Don't flake on your friends. Make time to learn new things.
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