**spinoff** Married Folks... Friends of Married Folks...

[NeeSee]

I'm a "friend of married folks" and I feel that a "good" friend would never do, or ask you to do anything that would jeopardize your marriage.

I'd feel really sucky if I slowly began losing friends just because they got married.

ITA. Although a lot of people feel like married people should cut their friendships. That's just crazy and don't make any since.

 

[MissScarlett]

Exactly. Just like with anything your views may be different than someone else so what people should do is gravitate towards those who share their views. It just really irks me when people say "oh, your single? Sorry can't hang out with you cause I's married now" as if you are beneath them or a heathen because you don't have a husband, LOL.

I don't know if this happens to other single women but God forbid I go to say a wedding by myself dressed to the nines. I see that scene from 'Waiting to Exhale' play out in my head where the women grab onto their husbands just because an attractive women walks in the door. As if because we are there alone it means we are on the prowl. I mean I know I'm stretching but that's the mindset I think of when people say "You shouldn't hang out with single poeple if you are married" as if we just stay on the prowl, LOL.

That's funny!

I do know what you mean though. I think sometimes, we married women can act as if being married is an exclusive select club and we often un-intentionally snub our noses at our single sistahs. I try to be concious of this. Because some single women aren't all out to 'snatch' our husbands

 

[cocoberry10]

Last night in our premarital counseling session the Elder spoke about how our friendships with single people would and should naturally fade away. He basically said that single people can devestate your marriage because your single friends will likely encourage you to do things that you did in your single life, that aren't condusive to the institute of marriage. I wonder how many of the married people here still are close friends with single people and how many single people here feel like your friendships have changed since a close friend getting married?
Is it possible to have friendships (married people) with single people and it not bring drama into your marriage?

I think it’s possible, because I think it’s possible to have a relationship with Godly people, period. I mean, Jesus was single. Would he have said that about Jesus or Paul or many of the disciples? I don’t think so. Obviously, when someone gets married, their relationships with their friends will change to an extent. But that will also happen if one of your friends moves from the US to Paris or Kenya or Japan. Married people can also lead their married friends astray, IMO. Look at all the married men and women that “cover” for their friends, knowing they are cheating (“oh just tell my wife/husband I was out with you”). If I had been the pastor, I would say end relationships with people that do harm to your marriage, period.

 

[cocoberry10]

Let me tell you from experience that is BS because it's really not a matter of marital status but one of having true friends that support you. I've been in both situations and am now single and have a ton of married friends (my best friend is married). It's all about respect!!! It also has to do with either married or singles view on marriage. I have married friends who I am not as close with because they have no world outside of their husband and feel that they shouldn't do anything without them so, when THEY would call and say let's go to dinner and show up with hubby I'm like wait a minute. Couldn't be separated. Then there are married friends who although their husband comes first they still have an identity and we can do things together. My girls were/are my girls and I never felt like I had to have my ex tag along everywhere with us. On the same note, I chose friends (single or married) who never encouraged me to cheat, forget your man, or didn't understand when I had to get off the phone with them if he called or not do things with them because I was spending time with my baby.

I just really can't stand when folks make such separation between married and single people as if all single people are out to sabotage, hate on, and destroy married unions. Give me a break!!!! And now that I'm single I get that attitude from people and it drives me crazy.

This is how it should be. When someone is married, of course there will be forces working to kill, steal and destroy the marriage, but this may or may not be the spouses single friends. My sister is getting married soon. Does this mean she has to cut me off b/c I am not married, and I will “encourage” her to do bad things? Of course not, if anything, I will always encourage her to do good.

 

[DSP]

I think it’s possible, because I think it’s possible to have a relationship with Godly people, period. I mean, Jesus was single. Would he have said that about Jesus or Paul or many of the disciples? I don’t think so. Obviously, when someone gets married, their relationships with their friends will change to an extent. But that will also happen if one of your friends moves from the US to Paris or Kenya or Japan. Married people can also lead their married friends astray, IMO. Look at all the married men and women that “cover” for their friends, knowing they are cheating (“oh just tell my wife/husband I was out with you”). If I had been the pastor, I would say end relationships with people that do harm to your marriage, period.

Let's hear it for personal accountability!

 

[Nice & Wavy]

I think it’s possible, because I think it’s possible to have a relationship with Godly people, period. I mean, Jesus was single. Would he have said that about Jesus or Paul or many of the disciples? I don’t think so. Obviously, when someone gets married, their relationships with their friends will change to an extent. But that will also happen if one of your friends moves from the US to Paris or Kenya or Japan. Married people can also lead their married friends astray, IMO. Look at all the married men and women that “cover” for their friends, knowing they are cheating (“oh just tell my wife/husband I was out with you”). If I had been the pastor, I would say end relationships with people that do harm to your marriage, period.

Absolutely at the bolded.

 

[camellia]

Of course it's possible to remain friends with unmarried people and not have it cause problems.

My dearest friend in the world is single, and other than the occasional fling she doesn't seem to have any interest in marrying or settling down. I've been with DH for over 10 years and we've been married for 7 of them, my BF has been my friend the whole time.


Another of my friends is also single, she's very young though, so who knows if that will change. DH has single friends also. One of his oldest friends has been divorced for almost as long as we've been married and according to him he;s never get married again.


I got married, I didn't undergo a total personality change.

 

[Monilove122]

That's funny!

I do know what you mean though. I think sometimes, we married women can act as if being married is an exclusive select club and we often un-intentionally snub our noses at our single sistahs. I try to be concious of this. Because some single women aren't all out to 'snatch' our husbands

I've been on both sides of the coin and to hear the way SOME married women speak and think of single women is deplorable in my opinion. As if they came out of the women married, never lived a day as a single women and when they were out there they were hussies and thinks everyone is that way. It's really sad to be honest. I'm a good woman who respects marriage and to be viewed as some floozy because I don't have a ring on my finger anymore and can't be trusted so don't befriend me is EXTREMELY insulting.

I'm glad that you do your best to make sure you dont do this!

 

[Monilove122]

I think it’s possible, because I think it’s possible to have a relationship with Godly people, period. I mean, Jesus was single. Would he have said that about Jesus or Paul or many of the disciples? I don’t think so. Obviously, when someone gets married, their relationships with their friends will change to an extent. But that will also happen if one of your friends moves from the US to Paris or Kenya or Japan. Married people can also lead their married friends astray, IMO. Look at all the married men and women that “cover” for their friends, knowing they are cheating (“oh just tell my wife/husband I was out with you”). If I had been the pastor, I would say end relationships with people that do harm to your marriage, period.

As always you said that SO WELL!!!

 

[RubyWoo]

I was told the same thing you were. It's overly protective, IMO, but has a strong basis and truth to it. It's as if you are still engaging in a "single" life by going out with single people when it's suppose to be you and DH with other like-minded couples.

I think it has to do with the thought proccess and actions of being single. When single, you don't have to consider anyone but yourself in your decisions. When you are married, you are suppose to be "one" and your actions and what you allow into your thought process can slowly have an effect on your husband/marriage.

I don't go out but once a month w/o DH and that's to meet with my childhood friends (all single). I'm pretty careful at what I talk about and where our conversations go during our "ladies night out" dinner so that our meetings are a personal time for me to spend with friends instead of trying to be "one of the girls" again. I've scared them all into remaining single.

As a non-married woman, I totally agree!

 

[cocoberry10]

That would hurt to lose a dear friend because you are at different life-stages. I'm always setting my single friends up on dates, inviting them to dinner parties, meeting for coffee, spa weekends, etc. and my marriage hasn't suffered (18 years and counting). My good friends are like family. Plus, it's not always easy to find couples that click with both you and your spouse.

If you are easily led astray, other married folks can be just as shady, if not more so. We need to take responsibility for our own actions. If you cheat, it's because you wanted to, not because your friend made you do it.

Oooh, this is too true! My parents have been married for 34 years in August and I can tell you that they have both married and single friends. And some of their married friends have been the ones “encouraging” them to do wrong (when my mom got pregnant with little sister, it was unplanned. She and my dad wanted to wait until I was 5 to have another child, me and my older sis were probably giving them enough grief. One of her married friends told her to “have an abortion, God will understand” and she said this b/c she had been trying to get pregnant with her second, which ironically she did about 2 months later. Imagine if my mom had listened to this fluff?)

 

[DSP]

I've been on both sides of the coin and to hear the way SOME married women speak and think of single women is deplorable in my opinion. As if they came out of the women married, never lived a day as a single women and when they were out there they were hussies and thinks everyone is that way. It's really sad to be honest. I'm a good woman who respects marriage and to be viewed as some floozy because I don't have a ring on my finger anymore and can't be trusted so don't befriend me is EXTREMELY insulting.

I'm glad that you do your best to make sure you dont do this!

I can't stand women who treat other women like that. If I have to hold on to my man that tightly, he wasn't really mine.

 

[Amber_moon]

Last night in our premarital counseling session the Elder spoke about how our friendships with single people would and should naturally fade away. He basically said that single people can devestate your marriage because your single friends will likely encourage you to do things that you did in your single life, that aren't condusive to the institute of marriage. I wonder how many of the married people here still are close friends with single people and how many single people here feel like your friendships have changed since a close friend getting married?
Is it possible to have friendships (married people) with single people and it not bring drama into your marriage?

Honestly I think that (respectuflly) this is a load. Im married and most of my friends are still single.

While yes, most of my single friends dont understand the whole "married life" thing, they are still respectfull of it.

I think the key here is finding respectful friends. Not abandoning all single people.

 

[JFemme]

Of course it's possible to remain friends with unmarried people and not have it cause problems.

My dearest friend in the world is single, and other than the occasional fling she doesn't seem to have any interest in marrying or settling down. I've been with DH for over 10 years and we've been married for 7 of them, my BF has been my friend the whole time.


Another of my friends is also single, she's very young though, so who knows if that will change. DH has single friends also. One of his oldest friends has been divorced for almost as long as we've been married and according to him he;s never get married again.


I got married, I didn't undergo a total personality change.

I know, right...

Most of my friends are single, as married folks bore the bejeebus outta me !!






j/k






well, kinda....

 

[cocoberry10]

Although I understand where the Elder is coming from, I disagree with him. My husband and I counsel married couples/soon to be married couples and we would never encourage this.

However, we do suggest that its very important to understand what the marriage relationship consists of and that there may be times where you both may want to go out with your friends alone sometimes (males with males, females with females) and how important those relationships are. Remember, most of those friends are people you may have known a long time and may still be single people. There is no need to faze them out of your lives...actually, your marriage can be an asset to them for their future marriages.

If your single friends like to hang out and do things that only single people do, then my suggestion would be to just let them know that you cannot go and leave it at that. I really don't feel that you would need to put all of your single friends to rest. That wouldn't be right at all.
Marriage is wonderful, well for me that is, and is honorable. Having friends to be apart of your marriage is a wonderful thing as well and should be encouraged, whether they are single or married.

HTH

This is a beautiful way of looking at it.

 

[cocoberry10]

As always you said that SO WELL!!!

Aaw, thanks!

 

[sylver2]

When I got married all of my friends were single. Nothing changed.
Now that I'm seperated...all of my friends are married..lol..but still nothings changed.. We are true friends and everyone has thir own mind and respect each other.

 

[SweetAKA]

Just about all of my friends are still single and so are my husbands. But we dated for quite awhile before getting married, so most of his friends I view like brothers. They know me, and know what I stand for. They also appreciate the relationship that me and DH have. As for my friends, they never were really big party folks and they respect the fact that there are things that we use to do, that dont go on now (not to mention since we are older somethings just dont catch our attention like it use to). Of course there were a couple that I had to drop all together because we were just in different stages in our life.

 

[Nita_h]

I wonder how many of the married people here still are close friends with single people and how many single people here feel like your friendships have changed since a close friend getting married?
Is it possible to have friendships (married people) with single people and it not bring drama into your marriage?

We are not as close to our friends like we were. Our lifestyle is very different from our friends now because we are married and have a son. Our friends are still into partying every night and hitting up the clubs. Although we are 23 that's just not us anymore. I hate that we are not as close as we used to be. But we don't really have nothing in common anymore. I kind of feel like I 'out grew' them.

 

[NessaNessa]

I havent expereinced this. My closest freind is married and has been for 6 or so years. Her PRIORITIES changed, not our friendship. I had to accept that she could not and would not be able to engage in the 'single life' anymore. No sweat. Whenever I call, and if she isnt there, if I am really bored, I talk to her hubby.

 

[Energist]

Unfortunately quite a few of my single friends weren't ginuinely happy about my relationship turned marriage. They saw that I was no longer in the party girl, miserable man bashing boat with them and it created jealousy, which caused some spite. I lost my best friend because of my great relationship and commitment to my husband One of them were very frank about how she felt about my marriage and told me that she felt like a third wheel and didn't have much in common anymore and didn't feel comfortable with discussing her woes, because I didn't share them... things like that.

Anyways, I agree to an extent. I also realize that not all friends are this way... especially if they were reserved and happy go lucky to begin with, but looking back I seemed to have quite a few drama seeking types in my circle. I have healthier friendships now with women who are in budding or healthy relationships.

 

[Glib Gurl]

I don't have time to read this entire thread, BUT I just wanted to add something interesting that a friend mentioned . . . when it comes to single friends and married couples, it's important that the single friend is a friend of both spouses -- this is especially true if, say, a single woman is friends with a married man (and vice versa). As my friend (who is a man) said, "You're either friends with both of us, or you're friends with none of us."

 

[DSP]

Unfortunately quite a few of my single friends weren't ginuinely happy about my relationship turned marriage. They saw that I was no longer in the party girl, miserable man bashing boat with them and it created jealousy, which caused some spite. I lost my best friend because of my great relationship and commitment to my husband One of them were very frank about how she felt about my marriage and told me that she felt like a third wheel and didn't have much in common anymore and didn't feel comfortable with discussing her woes, because I didn't share them... things like that.

Anyways, I agree to an extent. I also realize that not all friends are this way... especially if they were reserved and happy go lucky to begin with, but looking back I seemed to have quite a few drama seeking types in my circle. I have healthier friendships now with women who are in budding or healthy relationships.

I soooo agree. It's not about who's married/a parent or single. It's about being with people who understand (or at least respect) your present life-stage.

 

[cafe1]

I think this applies more to Men....

My best friend is a single (but just got into a relationship) divorced (was married for 10 years), gainfully employed mom. I trust her and we hang out but she respects my marraige to the fullest. Shoot she's busier than I am now that she's a single mom....Im always trying to drag her to the movies, gym, etc! LOL!

I won't discuss what goes on in my bedroom with a single woman (person) thats more on the aquaintance tip though.

 

[Bint Yusef]

I didnt read the entire thread, but this is definitely advice that applies on a case by case basis. One of my BFFs is single and she respects my relationship and understood how things would have to change..i.e less going out. She respects our space and doesnt call as much and never pressures me to do single things. We make time for each other and I would never dump her as a friend because I got married. Ive known all my good friends since 6th grade and they aint going nowhere, those are my girls!