Married for 10 years but I think its OVER

[Champ]

I’ve been thinking about ending my marriage of 10 years. Our relationship hasn’t always been bad but it’s the worse it’s been in years and I feel like I’m the only one trying to make it work. We’ve always been able to excel in our careers and come together to make tough decisions about non relationship issues but when it comes to our relationship, were more like roommates than a married couple. Romance is rare and I have to initiate. He’s become comfortable doing little to nothing and were sleeping in separate rooms.

It really bothers me that I have no voice when it comes to the finances and we have nothing together as far as savings. If I ask him for money, he treats it like a loan. Our joint account is only used to pay bills. The bills our divided evenly down to the penny monthly. I have no problem with us keeping separate accounts because I’ve always felt it’s important to have my own, but I do wish we worked together to save for our future. Every aspect of our finances, he has to control and if I want to change something he never agrees to it.

About two years ago I wanted to go back to school full time and finish my degree. He didn’t support me at all because he said I needed to keep my job. It really hurt me that he didn’t support me when I decided to do something to better the both of us. It’s like all he thinks about is money and what will benefit him. I’ve always felt like well he’s a good guy so I will deal with this to keep the peace although it’s always bothered me.

I’ve been unhappy for a while but what made me want to give up is his selfish attitude about starting a family. It’s always been important to me to have children and my husband said he wanted children as well. Well earlier this year we talked about starting a family this fall. When October came we sat down and he had a ton of excuses about why he’s doesn’t think I was ready to have children but he is. He wants me to promise him I will keep my job once we start a family. I was so angry and hurt by his comment, we got in a big fight and he stormed out and said I had no reason to be upset. I'm not going to back down about this and I think he's so stubborn to admit that he's wrong he would rather end our marraige. The fact that keeping my job was more important to him than having our first child changed the way I looked at him.

We’ve tried counseling but all he did was fuss with the counselor in the session. After two sessions he said he didn’t want to go back because we didn’t need it and it was not helping. He suggested that we get a divorce if we just can’t solve our own problems. I’m so confused if I should stay or leave because I’ve been with him for 10 year. We were very young when we married and I think that I just didn’t know him the way I thought I did. He hasn’t always been like this and I guess I’m just hoping things will get better. I swear it seems like he’s not even the man I married. Am I just being too sensitive? Thanks in advance for the advice.

 

[allmundjoi]

No advice, just ((hugs)).

 

[Champ]

Thanks Allmundjoi! I need a hug right now, my heart is so heavy. My family supports me but they always bring up how long we've been together and say I should stay. I don't know if it's worth it.

 

[JFemme]

Other than the ten years of being together, what other reason(s) would cause you to stay with him.

(((hugs)))

 

[Do_Si_Dos]

Thanks Allmundjoi! I need a hug right now, my heart is so heavy. My family supports me but they always bring up how long we've been together and say I should stay. I don't know if it's worth it.

You have to do what makes you happy. You only get one life, and it would be a shame to allow others to decide how you live it. After all, that's not living at all.

Other than that I have no advice, but

 

[crr0121]

"He suggested that we get a divorce if we just can’t solve our own problems....Am I just being too sensitive?"

Nobody knows your situation better than you so you have to follow your heart. And no you're not being sensitive because you don't seem to be in a fulfilling marriage. Could you stand to be in this relationship another ten years? And after that would you be happy or would you say you wished you would've left ten years ago? I think these may be helpful questions to ask yourself...and the fact that HE suggested divorce in any situation may give you a hint. Men don't tend to beat around the bush. When a girl is in high school and a boy tells her to her face "I don't like you," there's only but so many ways that can be interpreted. He told you where his head is (not saying it can't change) so it's up to you which path to take. Sometimes women can't take a hint. Have you ever seen a man be a jerk on purpose to get a woman to break up with him? But it doesn't work because the woman actually deals with the crap instead of leaving. I'm not sure if this is what's going on in your marriage because I don't live in your home. But I feel you should speak with him and ask him straight if he wants to make it work or not. If so then you two can make it work if you both follow through, but abandoning counseling doesn't sound like following thru. Im trying to be sensitive because i know all types of emotions are involved but at the same time i have to be real. To women in general, don't be dissillusioned by the way you WANT things to be. But a marriage is worth the try. This is your life partner.

 

[Urban]

Only you could ever know what the best decision is for you. Either option, I'm sure, daunting. Don't let fear paralyze you.

I'd say make a list of pros and cons of whether to stay or go and weigh it up from there. Don't make your decision soley on what other people say.

HUGS!!

 

[Champ]

Other than the ten years of being together, what other reason(s) would cause you to stay with him.

(((hugs)))

@ JFemme. I think I'm afraid. We moved to a new city recently and I really don't know anyone. I guess I'm just afraid of the unknown. In my heart I know thats not a good enough reason to stay with someone.

 

[Champ]

"He suggested that we get a divorce if we just can’t solve our own problems....Am I just being too sensitive?"

Nobody knows your situation better than you so you have to follow your heart. And no you're not being sensitive because you don't seem to be in a fulfilling marriage. Could you stand to be in this relationship another ten years? And after that would you be happy or would you say you wished you would've left ten years ago? I think these may be helpful questions to ask yourself...and the fact that HE suggested divorce in any situation may give you a hint. Men don't tend to beat around the bush. When a girl is in high school and a boy tells her to her face "I don't like you," there's only but so many ways that can be interpreted. He told you where his head is (not saying it can't change) so it's up to you which path to take. Sometimes women can't take a hint. Have you ever seen a man be a jerk on purpose to get a woman to break up with him? But it doesn't work because the woman actually deals with the crap instead of leaving. I'm not sure if this is what's going on in your marriage because I don't live in your home. But I feel you should speak with him and ask him straight if he wants to make it work or not. If so then you two can make it work if you both follow through, but abandoning counseling doesn't sound like following thru. Im trying to be sensitive because i know all types of emotions are involved but at the same time i have to be real. To women in general, don't be dissillusioned by the way you WANT things to be. But a marriage is worth the try. This is your life partner.

@ crr0121. Thanks for being honest, thats what I need. I'm really hurting right now but I feel like the decision I need to make is coming to me as I sort my thoughts out. I don't want to try to make him stay with me if his heart isn't in it. I can't see myself living like this 10 more years. He didn't follow through with counseling, he's set in his ways and not willing to change.

 

[Leesh]

roommates than a married couple.

Romance is rare and I have to initiate.

sleeping in separate rooms.

treats it like a loan.

never agrees.

didn’t support me at all

I’ve been unhappy for a while

he had a ton of excuses about why he’s doesn’t think I was ready to have children but he is.

would rather end our marraige.

I guess I’m just hoping things will get better.

swear it seems like he’s not even the man I married.

Of course, It's always terrible to see a marriage end. But honestly, You've said enough to know what state your relationship is in. It sounds more like a situation of convenience at this point. But whatever it may be.The only thing worse than wasting 10 years, is wasting another 10, or starting a family with someone you know you may not be with for very long.

At "Red" bolded, A relationship is a 2 way street, and it's very hard to make it work if your the only one trying. Sometimes it's hard to shake a mate out of that slump, very hard! Especially if their feelings have changed or their just too darned comfortable. Just know that, if it doesn't work, that you've done your "BEST" to try and get it back on track. Your not accountable for anyones actions but your own.

At "Blue" bolded, You deserve "Happiness", do what you need to do to acquire that! Wishing you all the best!

 

[Sosa]

I'm sorry you are going through this

The ten years you have invested is really a lot of time, but you have more "ten years" left of your life to live. They should be happy years .

I'd just come out and ask him:

1) if he is satisfied with the current state of your marriage. If he's not, I'd ask why not and what he wishes were different.

2) whether or not he intends to keep the vows he made to you. If he does, then tell him EXACTLY what you are unhappy with in your marriage and what you require of him. He already knows that the marriage needs fixing as you both went to see a counselor. He should also be aware that problems won't fix themselves.

I think you at least deserve to know explicitly from him what's going on with him as it relates to your marriage. To me, it's a matter of respect.

 

[TayMac]

At this point, I would just ask him point blank if he would like to work on the marriage or get a divorce.

I think not having a baby at this time is probably a really good idea and his reluctance also makes me think he does not want to be in the marriage.

((HUGS))

 

[Misseyl]

You guys are behaving like roommates anyway so you should run not walk to the nearest exit. Yeah he seems like he doesn't want the relationship to improve/work so get out while you are still in your reproductive years and find somebody worthy. What happens to men taking care of their families? Splitting the bills down the middle and wants you to promise to keep job after baby, I'm sorry but he's pathetic.

 

[hopeful]

Yes, why stay? It sounds like an awful situation. The fact that he initiates no intimacy is a huge red flag to me. You say you have no say so on the finances, but you do control your money, right? I hope you have some money saved for yourself. I would not bring children into this situation so count that as a blessing for now. If it were me I'd start planning an exit strategy and figure out how to go back to school part-time so you can finish your degree. I know people who have business-like relationships and everyone is not built for that kind of relationship. To me it's like dying a slow death. I'd rather be alone, have my freedom, and do as I please.

And don't worry about being in a new city. You have a job. And it's just you so you can make friends and even move if you want/ need to. You are not stuck.

 

[Charz]

Is it bad that Im so GLAD you didnt have kids with this selfish person?

I dont know..seems like he's the type that will expect you to go back to work a month after birth.

I wish you well in whatever you choose OP

 

[BrooklynSouth]

So sorry you are going through all the turmoil. Counseling may be good for you alone to continue helping you work out a solution...have you involved a trusted relative? No shame, just let him/her know what is going on-I didn't when I knew I needed to divorce-would have made it easier.

 

[Champ]

@ Sosa, It is about respect and I asked him what he wasn't happy about. He said we argue too much, which we do. He also said when we argue, I get too emotional it makes him shut down its taken a toll on him. This hasn't changed and he doesn't think it will. In the first counseling session, our arguing was brought up and he didn't like what the counselor said would help us solve problems better. When my husband doesn't want to deal with an issue he just walks away from me and we never come back to the issue. The problems build up and we never solve anything. The counselor said timing out was good but he needs to come back so I feel like he cares about my feelings. She also said if he would listen more we wouldn't argue as much. This is when they were going back and forth and the counselor was trying to help him understand what he's doing is hurting us. I watched him in that session and he was just horrible. He doesn't listen and if he can go back and forth with the counselor just imagine how he is with me.

@ TayMac, When he said he didn't want to go back to counseling, I didn't back down with that so he said "I guess where getting a divorce" it’s all about control. The fact that we don't have any kids is good but it’s just a slap in the face that I've spent all these years with him thinking we would be together and have a family. He so easily said I guess where getting a divorce. I wish he would have told me sooner. I feel like I've wasted so many years on him.

@ Misseyl, When we first got married we had nothing and through the years we worked hard to make a good life for ourselves, and I thought the family we would have one day. That was his whole reason for wanting to wait to have kids and I agreed. I helped him so much in our early years so he could get on his feet. It's like the more promotions he got the worse his attitude got. About 2 years ago he got another promotion and now makes more than me but we still split things right down the middle.

@ Hopeful, Thank goodness I have been saving. I know I'll want to be the one to move. The place we stay in now I couldn't afford on my own anyway. We haven't been here long but I couldn't stay here with all the memories.

 

[My Friend]

((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))

 

[RoseTintedCheeks]

If you are going to seek wisdom about marriage, then the best people to talk to are MARRIED COUPLES. Be willing to be honest with yourself if there are some things you need to change just like you want your hubby to be.

God Bless...

 

[FoxxyLocs]

You're in a difficult situation. I would definitely encourage you to try talking to him to see if he's interested in working things out with you. I hate to tell anyone to get divorced. If he's willing and you're willing I say do your best to work out your differences. Although he's being a jerk, I don't see anything in your posts that tell me you should run far away and never look back. Now if he tells you he's not willing to try and he just doesn't want to be married to you anymore, I don't know what to say about that. You can't fix it by yourself. Maybe see if he'd be willing to try a different counselor?

Sent from my HTC Evo

 

[Meemee6223]

I'm so sorry to hear that u are going through this and that u don't really have anyone there with u to lean on. ((hugs)) Thank God u didn't have any kids. If u decide to stay with him u should think long and hard about whether u should bring kids into that.

Sent from my T-Mobile G2

Sent from my T-Mobile G2

 

[hopeful]

Nikkie
I wonder why you guys argue so much? Both of you have good jobs and no children so you would think things would be more peaceful. Why doesn't anything ever get resolved? Why is he splitting things down the middle if he makes more? Why are you two sleeping in separate bedrooms? So much is going on here. I would suggest Stormie Omartian's Power of a Praying Wife (read it & do what she says), stop sleeping in separate rooms tonight, just stop it, and individual counseling for you immediately to help you figure out what you want and to regain your power. Don't make any major decisions until after the holidays. If you do those three things I think by Spring things will improve or you will be clear about getting a divorce. Hang in there.

 

[hopeful]

Also, I would not initiate anything sexual with him. Just be sweet and kind and let go of what you expect or hope the outcome to be.

 

[Zaynab]

I'm a major advocate and believe in.fighting for a marriage. However, I couldn't stay with a man that didn't possibly want to have children. My BFF just ended her 13 year marriage for the very same reason. Her dh kept saying "not now, maybe next year, etc" & waiting turned into 13 years. Life is too short to not go after what you want. Good luck OP

My DROIDX= TYPOS

 

[EMJazzy]

What happened to "for richer or poorer, in good times and bad, in sickness and health".....???

Poorer, bad times and sickness represents what *will* happen in most marriages at some point! It's unrealistic to believe that you can cruise thru 40 or 50 years of marriage without drama, some more serious than others.

If your not willing to go thru the bad phases of marriage then you must ask yourself 'why did I get married?' 'What did I really expect would happen after the I do's?'

JMHO <9 years married>

Sent from my DROIDX using DROIDX

 

[Champ]

Nikkie
I wonder why you guys argue so much? Both of you have good jobs and no children so you would think things would be more peaceful. Why doesn't anything ever get resolved? Why is he splitting things down the middle if he makes more? Why are you two sleeping in separate bedrooms? So much is going on here. I would suggest Stormie Omartian's Power of a Praying Wife (read it & do what she says), stop sleeping in separate rooms tonight, just stop it, and individual counseling for you immediately to help you figure out what you want and to regain your power. Don't make any major decisions until after the holidays. If you do those three things I think by Spring things will improve or you will be clear about getting a divorce. Hang in there.

Thanks Hopeful. I do feel like things are moving so fast. With the holidays coming up this is a difficult time. Well when we argue we usually can’t come to a common ground and our arguments just go on and on. For example we reconcile our bills on the 15th but I asked him could we change it to the first because it would be more convenient for me and he said no. His reasons were that he felt I would not give him his money. We fought about that because I felt he was being selfish and I’ve never given him a reason to feel that way. That issue has never been resolved. With our separate accounts, I had to fight with him for years for us to get a joint checking to pay our bills. We use to just exchange cash at the end of the month. He feels like his money is his and my money is mine. With the separate bedrooms, he is the one who moved to the spare bedroom, I didn’t ask him to leave. I will definitely pick up this book, I’ve been looking for some good ones.

 

[hopeful]

Oh wow, he moved to the spare bedroom by choice? I'm sorry. To me that's unacceptable, very controlling, and a way of withholding companionship and affection. I'm really sorry. I don't know what to say.

 

[toinette]

Thanks Hopeful. I do feel like things are moving so fast. With the holidays coming up this is a difficult time. Well when we argue we usually can’t come to a common ground and our arguments just go on and on. For example we reconcile our bills on the 15th but I asked him could we change it to the first because it would be more convenient for me and he said no. His reasons were that he felt I would not give him his money. We fought about that because I felt he was being selfish and I’ve never given him a reason to feel that way. That issue has never been resolved. With our separate accounts, I had to fight with him for years for us to get a joint checking to pay our bills. We use to just exchange cash at the end of the month. He feels like his money is his and my money is mine. With the separate bedrooms, he is the one who moved to the spare bedroom, I didn’t ask him to leave. I will definitely pick up this book, I’ve been looking for some good ones.

your husband sounds extremely selfish and manipulative. He clearly doesnt want to have children or at the very least he does not want to have them with you. and he just off the cuff suggested a divorce like it was nothing. You have no kids and you arent benefiting financially in any way. You're not even getting sex. I see no reason to stay in this marriage. At this point do you even still love him or do you just not want to "fail" at your marriage?

 

[Champ]

your husband sounds extremely selfish and manipulative. He clearly doesnt want to have children or at the very least he does not want to have them with you. and he just off the cuff suggested a divorce like it was nothing. You have no kids and you arent benefiting financially in any way. You're not even getting sex. I see no reason to stay in this marriage. At this point do you even still love him or do you just not want to "fail" at your marriage?

Its both... I do still love him and I don't want to fail at my marraige but I've done everything to make this work. He's not even trying to work on the marriage. I'm willing to give us some time to see if things change but if they don't I don't see any reason to stay.

 

[MzLady78]

I don't really have any advice, but I just wanted to give you this.

I hope that everything works, whatever you decide.