Married & divorced ladies, I need advice... (long)

[life_is_great]

Yesterday my husband told me that I am materialistic b/c I always want the bills paid on time. He says that I try to keep from losing thing(foreclosures, repos, etc.) because of what people would think. Have you ever heard of anything so foolish. He wanted me to let all of my rental properties go(rentals that are in my name) so that we can just live off of what we make at our jobs. Then when I refused to allow my properties to be foreclosed on he got mad and said I don't respect his opinion. Let me add, when we got married, he had nothing. As a matter of fact, his car was repossessed 1 week after we were married. Then when he gets mad at me he says he feels like he's working to pay my bills (house that we live in, my car, his car, utilities that we both use). I just don't think I can deal with this anylonger. How can you accomplish anything when you're with someone who doesn't want anything. Then when he gets around other people he acts like he's just really got it going on. I just sit silently and listen to his lies. Example, I bought a Lexus a couple of months ago, but he tells people he bought his wife a new Lexus. Whatever, he can't even put a utility bill in his name b/c his credit is so jacked up. I know I should have never married him and yes I did settle. Not only that, but he complains about everything I do. I don't do anything right, I am just so tired of him. I have prayed and asked God to keep me from hating him. I don't even look forward to going home anymore.

 

[*Frisky*]

I am so sorry you are going through problems. Have you ever tried having a heart to heart with him? I would not let any of your things go. You are very smart to even own other property. Some people just aren't financially responsible. Have you ever thought about going to counseling? Sometimes hearing a 3rd partys point a view makes people realize they need to get their act together.

 

[life_is_great]

I am so sorry you are going through problems. Have you ever tried having a heart to heart with him? I would not let any of your things go. You are very smart to even own other property. Some people just aren't financially responsible. Have you ever thought about going to counseling? Sometimes hearing a 3rd partys point a view makes people realize they need to get their act together.

I have tried to talk to him over and over again. We have been to 3 different counselors, but nothing seems to help. I suggested counseling again, but he says we don't need it b/c he doesn't have any problems with our marriage.

 

[lexi08]

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. But I have to agree with you in saying you probably should not have married this guy. I know I may get stones thrown at me for saying this but this is why I don't think a woman should marry a man with less than she has, or is in a worse financial situation than she is. Your husband seems jealous of your accomplishments, In my opinion. I have a similiar situation going on with a very close family member. She is definitely having problems and is starting to regret getting married. She pays for mostly everything because she makes more money, he complains but brags about their material possesions. Don't let him talk you into ruining your credit and reputation. This same man probably won't be taking care of you when you end up with nothing.
Good luck

 

[StartinOvah]

god will see you through this.

i am not a huge proponent of divorce. but i do understand when its time to let things go. it may be he is so uncomfortable with your financial situation, that he would rather you step down than him step up. given the last few things you mentioned before you ended your post, maybe this is the light you needed to see.

you can't change people. so knowing this, can you live the rest of your life with this man?

the answers don't hide from us. they never do. we just choose to ignore them.

 

[D-Train]

What the hell? You need to set him straignt. What kind of person advocates financial mismanagement? I mean, self destruct your own life if you must but dont bring down someone else's at the same time.

 

[MzTami]

My ex husband was the same way. He had nothing, he wasn't about nothing ,and I married nothing. I kick my self in the *** daily about how much time I wasted in that jacked up marriage. We went to counseling and it did no good. He was a nobody and he was bringing me down into his "nothing status", I had to go. I regret the fact that it took me so long to see that I wasn't going anywhere with someone that was pulling in a totally diffferent direction. I thought he would change, but he never did.

I wish you the best of luck and please don't waste too much time with your decision. Tell him to sh*t or get off the pot.

 

[hopeful]

So sorry you are going through this. ((((HUGS)))) There are lots of smart women who have settled to avoid loneliness and ended up with a whole lot of other headaches. One of my mom's favorite sayings is "There are worse things than loneliness." You keep protecting your assets and your good credit. Don't let him bring you down, you can't change a grown man who doesn't want to progress.

 

[yourleoqueen]

Yesterday my husband told me that I am materialistic b/c I always want the bills paid on time. He says that I try to keep from losing thing(foreclosures, repos, etc.) because of what people would think. Have you ever heard of anything so foolish. He wanted me to let all of my rental properties go(rentals that are in my name) so that we can just live off of what we make at our jobs. Then when I refused to allow my properties to be foreclosed on he got mad and said I don't respect his opinion. Let me add, when we got married, he had nothing. As a matter of fact, his car was repossessed 1 week after we were married. Then when he gets mad at me he says he feels like he's working to pay my bills (house that we live in, my car, his car, utilities that we both use). I just don't think I can deal with this anylonger. How can you accomplish anything when you're with someone who doesn't want anything. Then when he gets around other people he acts like he's just really got it going on. I just sit silently and listen to his lies. Example, I bought a Lexus a couple of months ago, but he tells people he bought his wife a new Lexus. Whatever, he can't even put a utility bill in his name b/c his credit is so jacked up. I know I should have never married him and yes I did settle. Not only that, but he complains about everything I do. I don't do anything right, I am just so tired of him. I have prayed and asked God to keep me from hating him. I don't even look forward to going home anymore.

Uh, okay, I got a couple of questions.

Why would you marry someone who in your own words had nothing?
Why did you expect him to magically change into someone financially responsible?
Why are you letting someone who couldn't rent a bicycle in his own name dictate your finances?
What are you waiting for to get a divorce?

According to him, you don't do anything right, yet if not for you, ya'll would be homeless or living with his mama. Okay. DIVORCE HIM!

 

[life_is_great]

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. But I have to agree with you in saying you probably should not have married this guy. I know I may get stones thrown at me for saying this but this is why I don't think a woman should marry a man with less than she has, or is in a worse financial situation than she is. Your husband seems jealous of your accomplishments, In my opinion. I have a similiar situation going on with a very close family member. She is definitely having problems and is starting to regret getting married. She pays for mostly everything because she makes more money, he complains but brags about their material possesions. Don't let him talk you into ruining your credit and reputation. This same man probably won't be taking care of you when you end up with nothing.
Good luck

My mom says the same thing. She says he is jealous and b/c he knows that I will leave him eventually, he wants me to lose everything before I leave. We agreed that he would quit his job to manage our and my mother's rentals(she does pay him). He was also supposed to rehab the houses that we bought. He doesn't work for my mother anymore b/c "he doesn't have time." ALso I have 1 house that's been sitting for over 2 years and another that has sat for over a year that he just stopped working on. I am paying over $1000 a month on both houses that are just sitting. I even asked him to hire someone to do the work, but it's like he doesn't care. I finally hired someone to finish the house that I've had for a year. He doesn't know, but it will be finished Friday. I am also having it refinanced and renting it section 8. I just bought another house which he doesn't know about. I have a crew rehabbing it now. I will start on the house that's been sitting for 2 years after I flip it. He fooled me into believing that I could not do this w/out him. I guess I forgot I was doing this before I met him.

 

[life_is_great]

Uh, okay, I got a couple of questions.

Why would you marry someone who in your own words had nothing?
Why did you expect him to magically change into someone financially responsible?
Why are you letting someone who couldn't rent a bicycle in his own name dictate your finances.
What are you waiting for to get a divorce?

According to him, you don't do anything right, yet if not for you, ya'll would be homeless or living with his mama. Okay. DIVORCE HIM!

Why would you marry someone who in your own words had nothing?
*** I thought he just needed someone positive in his life. He had allowed "women" to cause him to be in the situation he was in. I was also lonely, 32, never been married.

Why did you expect him to magically change into someone financially responsible?
*** I didn't. I just thought I would handle everything and he would see how great his life had become b/c of me.

Why are you letting someone who couldn't rent a bicycle in his own name dictate your finances.
***I did let him do this, but I am not anymore.

What are you waiting for to get a divorce?
*** I am putting my house(the one that we live in) on the market. Then I will leave, b/c he won't leave and I don't trust him to keep the pymts us.

 

[life_is_great]

god will see you through this.

i am not a huge proponent of divorce. but i do understand when its time to let things go. it may be he is so uncomfortable with your financial situation, that he would rather you step down than him step up. given the last few things you mentioned before you ended your post, maybe this is the light you needed to see.

you can't change people. so knowing this, can you live the rest of your life with this man?

the answers don't hide from us. they never do. we just choose to ignore them.

You are so right. I have known for some time now that divorce is inevitable. I just can't allow him to mess up my credit. If my credit is ruined, I can't continue to buy houses. I am trying to have something that I can pass on to my daughter.

 

[*Frisky*]

You keep doing your thing to build your financial stability and if you decide to end the marriage hold your head up and keep stepping. I have been divorced 2 times and I am not ashamed one bit. They just didn't work out. Actually my second husband had financial issues. He wanted to live beyond our means and I was concentrating on paying the stuff we had but he felt he could go out and buy things we couldn't afford and I was the one always hustling up a way to pay for his crap.

 

[lexi08]

My mom says the same thing. She says he is jealous and b/c he knows that I will leave him eventually, he wants me to lose everything before I leave. We agreed that he would quit his job to manage our and my mother's rentals(she does pay him). He was also supposed to rehab the houses that we bought. He doesn't work for my mother anymore b/c "he doesn't have time." ALso I have 1 house that's been sitting for over 2 years and another that has sat for over a year that he just stopped working on. I am paying over $1000 a month on both houses that are just sitting. I even asked him to hire someone to do the work, but it's like he doesn't care. I finally hired someone to finish the house that I've had for a year. He doesn't know, but it will be finished Friday. I am also having it refinanced and renting it section 8. I just bought another house which he doesn't know about. I have a crew rehabbing it now. I will start on the house that's been sitting for 2 years after I flip it. He fooled me into believing that I could not do this w/out him. I guess I forgot I was doing this before I met him.

I am not a lawyer but I think you should see one. Especially since you have just purchased a property. I don't know about the community property laws in your state ,but if you keep buying properties even in your name only things may get sticky in a divorce. Your husband may decide to get real pissy and try to claim property you have purchased. I would hate to see you lose anything you have worked hard to purchase and rehab. Just another thought.

 

[yourleoqueen]

Why would you marry someone who in your own words had nothing?
*** I thought he just needed someone positive in his life. He had allowed "women" to cause him to be in the situation he was in. I was also lonely, 32, never been married.

There is nothing wrong with being 32 and never married, but I am sorry you were lonely. Him blaming his 'situation' on other women should have been a red flag.

Why did you expect him to magically change into someone financially responsible?
*** I didn't. I just thought I would handle everything and he would see how great his life had become b/c of me.

Hun, he does see how great his life has become because of you, that's why he's trying to beat your self-esteem down to where you won't leave him because you think you can't do better.

Why are you letting someone who couldn't rent a bicycle in his own name dictate your finances?
***I did let him do this, but I am not anymore.

Good for you!

What are you waiting for to get a divorce?
*** I am putting my house(the one that we live in) on the market. Then I will leave, b/c he won't leave and I don't trust him to keep the pymts us.

Again good for you!

One last thing, now I don't know this man, but I know men. When he sees his meal-ticket wising up, he may try to get violent. PLEASE use your survival skills and if he ever gets that 'If I can't have you no one else will' tone in his voice, call the authorities, heck get out of town for a while if you need to. I know it may sound like I am being over cautious, but a very close family friend tried to end it with her mooching fiancee and he shot (in the BACK 3 times) and killed her and then killed himself.

Please, be careful.

 

[lexi08]

Why would you marry someone who in your own words had nothing?
*** I thought he just needed someone positive in his life. He had allowed "women" to cause him to be in the situation he was in. I was also lonely, 32, never been married.

Why did you expect him to magically change into someone financially responsible?
*** I didn't. I just thought I would handle everything and he would see how great his life had become b/c of me.

Why are you letting someone who couldn't rent a bicycle in his own name dictate your finances.
***I did let him do this, but I am not anymore.

What are you waiting for to get a divorce?
*** I am putting my house(the one that we live in) on the market. Then I will leave, b/c he won't leave and I don't trust him to keep the pymts us.

That's a da** shame, these fu***** are the ones who screw up, then they won't leave

 

[yourleoqueen]

You keep doing your thing to build your financial stability and if you decide to end the marriage hold your head up and keep stepping. I have been divorced 2 times and I am not ashamed one bit. They just didn't work out. Actually my second husband had financial issues. He wanted to live beyond our means and I was concentrating on paying the stuff we had but he felt he could go out and buy things we couldn't afford and I was the one always hustling up a way to pay for his crap.

You have no reason to be ashamed. Now if you had stayed with this fool and ended up homless as a result of his poor money managment skills, that would have been a reason for you to be ashamed. JMHO

 

[lexi08]

There is nothing wrong with being 32 and never married, but I am sorry you were lonely. Him blaming his 'situation' on other women should have been a red flag.


Hun, he does see how great his life has become because of you, that's why he's trying to beat your self-esteem down to where you won't leave him because you think you can't do better.


Good for you!


Again good for you!

One last thing, now I don't know this man, but I know men. When he sees his meal-ticket wising up, he may try to get violent. PLEASE use your survival skills and if he ever gets that 'If I can't have you no one else will' tone in his voice, call the authorities, heck get out of town for a while if you need to. I know it may sound like I am being over cautious, but a very close family friend tried to end it with her mooching fiancee and he shot (in the BACK 3 times) and killed her and then killed himself.

Please, be careful.

Ditto on the safety issue. My friend was killed years ago when she tried to leave

 

[life_is_great]

I am not a lawyer but I think you should see one. Especially since you have just purchased a property. I don't know about the community property laws in your state ,but if you keep buying properties even in your name only things may get sticky in a divorce. Your husband may decide to get real pissy and try to claim property you have purchased. I would hate to see you lose anything you have worked hard to purchase and rehab. Just another thought.

I have already seen a laywer. The only thing he has claim to is the house we live in(1/2) but there is no equity. I plan to pay his truck off before I leave, I don't trust him to make timely pymts. This will make him feel like he's getting something then maybe he won't fight me too much.

 

[DragonPearl]

I agree with the previous posters.

This man is bringing you DOWN. This is NOT what marriage is supposed to be. Get out while you still can. Get out.

 

[gotshuz]

well my 2 cents is that when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired you will do what you already know inside you have to do..( whether that is to stay or to leave only you know) ..I wish you peace and a sound mind when making this decision .....

 

[life_is_great]

I agree with the previous posters.

This man is bringing you DOWN. This is NOT what marriage is supposed to be. Get out while you still can. Get out.

This is what I keep telling myself. There has to be more to marriage than this. No love, no passion, BAD sex.

 

[NubianPrincess]

Ok I'm not married but... I have to say I agree with the other posters... He's jealous and/or insecure and bringing you down. I think it bothers him that you're so independent financially.
If he's not willing to change (you said counselling didn't help) then... In your heart you know what you have to do... In fact you've already taken steps (seeing a lawyer, etc...) So do what you have to do, you're a smart woman and you don't need someone in your life who brings you down like that.

Best of luck ((HUGS))

 

[Tiffany]

Yep, time to let him go. You can do better. Just be careful.

 

[yourleoqueen]

This is what I keep telling myself. There has to be more to marriage than this. No love, no passion, BAD sex.

SAY WHAT! Okay now see, that's grounds for divorce RIGHT THERE! I mean I'll win the bread for a year or two if he layin the smack down but yo man ain't bring nuttin (pun intended) to the table! DAG!

 

[Leigh]

I'm not married but deal with what he says. Don't let it get to you. Instead of looking to divorce, look to get to a point where your properties are your business. In other words, get it all together, maybe even sell them and buy others he doesn't know about. Pay your stuff and let him take care of the rest. Don't let bitterness overtake you. But et your stuff in order. He seems a bit insecure about something. Almost like he doesn't want you to have anything so that you will stay with him. I know it sounds warped but men think crazy and crazy men (those with distorted views or those operating off of fear) think even crazier. They end up setting things up to get exactly what they don't want. Hey a lot of us do that. Self fulfilling prophesy.

 

[LizLeila]

SAY WHAT! Okay now see, that's grounds for divorce RIGHT THERE! I mean I'll win the bread for a year or two if he layin the smack down but yo man ain't bring nuttin (pun intended) to the table! DAG!

I didnt want to say it, but when I read that part, I was like "I will help you pack!" erplexed

 

[sweetascocoa]

SAY WHAT! Okay now see, that's grounds for divorce RIGHT THERE! I mean I'll win the bread for a year or two if he layin the smack down but yo man ain't bring nuttin (pun intended) to the table! DAG!

word!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Leigh]

I have tried to talk to him over and over again. We have been to 3 different counselors, but nothing seems to help. I suggested counseling again, but he says we don't need it b/c he doesn't have any problems with our marriage.

Yeah he doesn't have any problems with the marriage he has problems with his insecurity and doesn't realize it. Girl stop trying to tell him. He won't see it. Get on with the getting on. Once the properties are no longer an issue, he will eventually have to look within.

 

[phynestone]

I think everyone has given you great advice. Make sure all of the assets YOU have acquired are covered and forget about his stupid truck. He thinks he has it going on, well, he should man up and pay off the truck himself. As for you, just be careful and prepare to leave him.